Dibbly Fresh

In Which Sadako Ruins the Movies

2012-01-09T10:26:00.001-05:00

Hey guys. I guess I can't sneak in a new post without an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been blogging. To make a long story short...grad school and the chance to actually do some publishable writing. But I've had a little extra time, so if there's anyone still out there, enjoy!

Today's blog post is about why I'm not a movie star. (No, it's got nothing to do with acting talent.) I'd ruin most movies if I were in them. And...here's how!

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Martin Vanger: "My niece Harriet went missing years ago. I believe she was murdered. These flowers are from Harriet. She gave me one every year on my birthday. The rest...from her killer. Can you help me?"

Sadako: "Have you tried Googling it?"

The Graduate

Mr. MacGuire: "I just want to say one word to you. Plastics."

Sadako: "Okay."

The Graduate morphs into Dr. 90210.

Fight Club

Sadako: "Help, doctor, I've got insomnia and I'm waking up in weird places and losing track of time."

Doctor: "Well, I can't give you anything to help you sleep, but I know a good support group."

Sadako: "For insomniacs?"

Doctor: "For people with testicular cancer."

Sadako: "NyQuil cocktail, here I come!"

Black Swan

Sadako: "Well. Nobody's perfect."

Clueless

Tai: "Hope to see you soon and not sporadically!"

Sadako: "Let's forget the trip to Rodeo Drive and the Fall of the House of Usher-esque relationship waiting for me at the end of this movie and see if we can find a few copies of Strunk and White instead."

Dirty Dancing

Neil Kellerman: "Last week, I took a girl from Jamie the lifeguard. And he said, 'What does he have that I don't have?' And she said, 'Two hotels.' I'm known as the catch of the county."

Sadako: *swoon*

Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, again

Karen O: "We come from the land of the ice and snow..."

Sadako: "Can someone turn down the music? Also, it's so dry here. The cold air makes me wheeze! Do you have a humidifier?"

The Exorcist

Demon: "What an excellent day for an exorcism."

Sadako: "I...can't tell if you're being sarcastic, dude."

Ghost World

Sadako: "Art teacher lady, art teacher lady! I've stopped drawing comics and I've got a new art project idea. I call it: Venus of Monistat!"

Jurassic Park

Alan Grant: "But what about the other raptors?"

Legs Satler: "We're safe. Unless they figure out how to open doors."

Sadako-Raptor: *cackles* "Oh, crap. Damn child locks..."

Muldoon: "I take back my clevah girl!"

Mean Girls

Ms. Norbury: "Okay, you were mean, superficial, looked hot in a tank top, and you spread vicious rumors. But if you become a Mathlete, you can redeem yourself. Can you do it?"

Sadako: "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!"

Seriously, if Mean Girls had had a subplot where Cady was quizzed on the Newbery award winners from the last twenty years, I totally could have done it. But in the face of math, I turn into an Elle Woods-esque mess.

Lessons I Learned from Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Part II

2011-03-28T09:30:00.001-04:00

Here's Part II of what I learned from Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Tale of the Dream Machine

Synopsis: An Asian boy finds a typewriter that transforms whatever stories he writes on it into dreams. When read aloud, the stories actually happen. The boy, his African American best friend, and his Hispanic love interest have to stop the dream machine before it's too late.

Lessons Learned: Goosebumps may have been first in vaguely Twilight Zone-esque twist endings, but Are You Afraid of the Dark was doing diversity years before Glee was ever conceived or Lady Gaga came up with the tagline Born That Way.

The Tale of the Dangerous Soup

Synopsis: The famous Dr. Vink is running his own restaurant! He uses a strange statue to collect people's fear to make wonderful tasting soup. Two of his employees are on to him and plan to stop him before it's too late.

Lessons Learned: If Andy Warhol had been alive when this episode first aired, I think he would have ended up balled in a fetal position, because this episode did more to eviscerate the warm cuddly Grandma related image of soup than his soup can poster ever did.

Tale of the Midnight Madness

Synopsis: Dr. Vink brings a frightening Nosferatu film to an old movie theatre about to go under. Suddenly, the theatre is a success but when the theatre's owner reneges on his end of the bargain, Dr. Vink unleashes the vampire from the movie on the theatre and its employees.

Lessons Learned: Not only can Dr. Vink make wonderful soup, he's also in the movie business. Why did Oprah decide to make Dr. Phil happen instead of this guy?

Tale of Apartment 214

Synopsis: A girl and her mother move in to an apartment building. She meets a lonely old woman who lives in Apartment 214. She agrees to spend time on one particular day with the old woman but when she forgets, it turns out that the woman who was a ghost who died on that day. In the end, they both apologize and decide to go on being friends.

Lessons Learned: When looking for a ghost to share your life with, make sure you specify in your roommate ad that they need to be familiar with the works of Harry Belafonte.

The Tale of the Silent Servant

Synopsis: Anne and her cousin Jared find themselves doing nothing but chores at Anne's father's farm one summer. When they discover an old scarecrow who will obey their every command, they're ecstatic at first...but will they get more than they bargained for?

Lessons Learned: Anyone else remember the Goosebumps book The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight? Since this episode aired a year before it came out, I'm going to call shenanigans on R.L. Stine. Since I know that he used to write for Nick Jr. (specifically, for Eureka's Castle), it's taught me a lesson: be careful what writers you idolize as a child. Also, it put the idea in my head of going back and rewatching old Eureka's Castle episodes to see if old man Stine was lifting ideas from obscure Japanese children's shows.

The Tale of the Dead Man's Float

Synopsis: A nerdy boy named Zeke and the girl he likes, Clorice, find an old swimming pool in the school. However, in doing so, they uncover an angry spirit that lives in the pool and that killed a little boy years ago. The school janitor--who was the lifeguard on duty the night that the little boy drowned--helps them in doing so.

Lessons Learned: Between this episode and the Boy Meets World where Chet Hunter becomes a custodian at Shawn's school, I've come to realize the tragic nobility of the janitor and his calling.

The Tale of the Chameleons

Synopsis: A girl and her friend find themselves plagued by magical chameleons who can turn themselves into the form of whichever human they bite. Tia and Tamara Mowry of Sister, Sister star in this episode, playing both the girl and the chameleon.

Lessons Learned: The fact that Nickelodeon actually needed twins for this episode says a lot about their special effects capabilities. Not even Full House needed actual twins for the famous cousin Stavros episode.

Speaking of Full House, how many of you wondered if the producers had to settle for the Mowry twins when they probably really wanted Mary Kate and Ashley? Me too.

Lessons I Learned from Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Part I

2011-03-21T08:00:00.002-04:00

It's another installment of Lessons Learned! This time, I tackle Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Tale of the Nightly Neighbors

Synopsis: Emma and Dayday suspect their new neighbors (a married couple with a little boy) who are pale and never come out at night are vampires. When they see the couple out in the day time, they're reassured but in a mildly surprising twist it turns out that the little boy is their vampire master. As they tell the audience, who would suspect that a little boy is a vampire?

Lessons Learned: Who indeed would suspect a child of vampirism? The Are You Afraid of the Dark? writers were really banking on there being no Anne Rice fans in their audience.

The Tale of the Long Ago Locket

Synopsis: A boy (played by Will Friedle) with an unrequited crush on a classmate wanders into the forest back in time to the era of the Revolutionary War. There, he must help a soldier escape Redcoats and find the woman he loves.

Lessons Learned: Will Friedle did more to make the Revolutionary War cool than all of my American Girl doll paraphernalia. Yes, including Felicity's four poster bed that made my twin bed with dinosaur sheets look every bit as cool as Kirk Van Houten's racecar bed. I'm not too surprised about Will Friedle's skills, considering how cool he would make dorky daytime detective shows seem. (Sorry, Kojak!)

The Tale of the Hatching

Synopsis: A brother and sister go to an odd boarding school where hypnotized students get up each night to take care of mutant reptile eggs which will later hatch and take over the world.

Lessons Learned: The writers for Are You Afraid of the Dark? were a creative bunch. So what if most of them would never get their short stories published in the New Yorker, or even Playdude--at least one of them has the makings of an L. Ron Hubbard-esque religion.

Also, you can tell this episode took place in the early 90s because menial labor was farmed out to underage boarding school students, not Goobacks.

Tale of Old Man Corcoran

Synopsis: Two African American boys move out of the hood with their mom to a new life in the suburbs. There, the boys find a group of kids who love playing hide and go seek in the graveyard. They tell the boys about the ghost of a gravedigger called Old Man Corcoran but in a twist, it turns out that Old Man Corcoran is alive and the kids are all ghosts.

Lessons Learned: Remember all the respect we suddenly earned for Carlton after the time he spent in Compton on a bet from Will? That's nothing compared to the mad props I gotta give these kids.

Tale of the Full Moon

Synopsis: A boy who desperately wants a dog notices a spate of missing cats in the neighborhood and suspects his neighbor of being a werewolf. When his lonely single mother starts dating her, he's even more worried. As it turns out, the neighbor's identical twin brother is the werewolf. (Or to put this in modern terms, it's The Patty Duke Show With Werewolves.) When the boy's mother marries into the family, his desire for a pet dog is finally solved.

Lessons Learned: There are a lot of Nickelodeon fans out there in the larger TV and movie world. For example, I'm guessing whoever came up with the final scene of Shaun of the Dead was a closet SNICK fan. (So was the writer who thought that the kids on The Wire should congregate around an orange couch in the middle of the projects.)

Tale of the Thirteenth Floor

Synopsis: A brother and sister go to the thirteenth floor of their building to play hockey but discover what appears to be a toy factory...run by aliens. Though they escape the aliens, they later realize that the girl is in fact an alien too and that these were her rightful parents coming to rescue her.

Lessons Learned: Between this and that horror movie Orphan, I'm going to play it safe and satiate my maternal instincts by adopting a highway instead.

The Tale of the Final Wish

Synopsis: A socially awkward girl who still loves fairy tales and dolls gets taken to a bizarre fairy tale world by a strange man called The Sandman, played by Bobcat Goldthwait.

Lessons Learned: You've forgotten all about comedian Bobcat Goldthwait and his awful but memorable voice, haven't you? But just think: if he hadn't slept in on the day of his audition for Aladdin's Iago, he could be this decade's Gilbert Gottfried.

Hipsters vs. Guidos, Round 1

2011-03-14T10:30:00.001-04:00

Hipsters. Guidos. We know them and fear them both. Who's worse? I did extensive field research (watched Jersey Shore and read Stuff Hipsters Hate). This is the first in a series of blog posts devoted to the struggle between hipster and guido. Who will win round one?

Ethics

Point to the guidos. I know what you're thinking. Guidos and ethics--aren't they strange bedfellows? But guidos know more about ethics than you'd think. Every time someone commits a faux pas on The Jersey Shore, the guidos start up a chorus of, "Busted big-time!" like well-trained toddlers admonishing Steve on Blues Clues for the nth time. The sense of morals is strong in these ones. Plus, poor hipsters: Alexander Payne's Election failed to finish defining morals and ethics terms for them.

Toilet Habits

Per Stuff Hipsters Hate, girls who go into the bathroom are baaaaad. Using the logic I picked up from Animal Farm Sparknotes, I'm going to assume that quick, efficient bathroom use is good. Hipsters win this round because the guidos on Jersey Shore clogged three bathrooms but still lack the ability to get their pipes fixed. (This, despite the fact that five out of six of them are either relatives, acquaintances, or Facebook friends with Mario Mario.)

Telephone Habits

It all comes down to iPhone vs. duck. Since the only thing I hate more than the duck phone is the Juno hamburger phone, point goes to the hipsters.

And so hipsters win this round. Stay tuned for the next time I pit hipsters against guidos!

Movies in a Minute: The Black Swan

2011-03-07T08:22:00.004-05:00

Check out my Black Swan post. And also check out my guest post on the Secret Society of List Addicts--it's on anthropomorphic snacks!

Mrs. Sayers: "Time now for your grapefruit, Nina."

Nina: "No! Time now for dancing!"

Middle America: "Wow, Natalie Portman's got such devotion to her art. Look how thin she is."

Jezebel.com: "Way. Too. Thin. Patriarchy at its worst."

Maris Crane: *shudder* "The flab..."

Thomas Leroy: "So! Which of you will dance the lead in Swan Lake now that my beautiful little princess, Beth, is over the hill?"

Nina: "God I hope I get it..."

Thomas: "You, Nina. I grow weary of Winona Ryder. Beetlejuice was great and all but Autumn in New York? And Mr. Deeds--what was that about? No, you shall be my new little princess!"

Beth: "Great. First cast off by Tim Burton and now a George Balanchine knock off."

Mrs. Sayers: "Congratulations, honey! I got you something!"

Nina: "Gee, Mom, I just purged myself down to eighty pounds. I don't know that a Cake Wrecks knock off is my idea of a celebration."

Mrs. Sayers: "OK, fine! In the trashcan it goes, ungrateful child! You know Christian Bale's mom visited him on the set of The Fighter to bring him cake and after verbally abusing her for ten solid minutes, he ate his cake."

Nina: "Sorry, Mom. Mmm, finger licking good."

Thomas: "Your white swan is good, Nina. But your black swan lacks that je ne sais quoi. Come. Let me seduce you into giving a good performance."

Nina: "GAH! TOO MUCH PRESSURE."

Thomas: "That was me seducing you when it should have been the other way round!"

Jane Spofford: "You know, when I was in your position, it took me one cello solo to get my groove back."

Lily: *giggle* "Oops, I messed up, but that's OK! I'm going to laugh it off like the free spirit I am."

Thomas: "Look at Lily, Nina. She has Black Swan written all over her. Literally. Did you see the tattoo? Doesn't she evoke freedom, passion, sexuality? Can't you just hear a refrain from Bizet's Carmen playing whenever she walks by?"

Nina: "Note to self: visit a tattoo parlor and invest in Forever 21's underwear as outwear collection."

Lily: "Hey, I'm sorry I told Thomas you complained. I didn't mean to go all Single White Female on you. Want to go out for dinner?"

Nina: "Okay..."

Lily: "Waiter, I'll have a burger, rare, extra beef. And extra cheese. WOOF!"

Nina: "I'll have seven and a half capers artfully arranged with a teaspoon of low fat dressing. Well, it's been nice but I should go home. My stuffed toys aren't going to tuck themselves in."

Lily: "But I want to pick up boys and channel Lord Flashheart and make the club scenes in Party Monster look tame."

Nina: "So, my place or yours?"

Mrs. Sayers: "You naughty girl! Where have you been?! I can see your dirty pillows! Well, I could if hadn't dieted your chest into oblivion but you know what I mean."

Lily: "Sweet girl."

Nina: "Lily, why'd you leave this morning without even offering to take me out to brunch at Monk's?"

Lily: "Wait, you think we did it? You had some lezzie wet dream about me? Was I good?"

Jack's Sense of Mounting Indignation: "Lucky. I had a vaguely homoerotic relationship with a suave, liberated alter ego and all I got was a t-shirt and a third degree lye burn."

Thomas: "So, yeah. I'm going to make Lily, the perfect seductive black swan, your alternate. You're not...threatened, are you?"

Nina: "Beth! She's trying to take my part! I need your help. Oh, by the way, these are yours."

Beth: "You STOLE from me?"

Nina: "Oh, don't look so shocked."

Beth: "I'm not perfect. I'm NOTHING."

Nina: "GAH! Hallucinations! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!"

Mrs. Sayers: "Nina! What happened to my sweet girl?"

Sadako: "Haven't you read enough Reviving Ophelia spin offs to figure it out?"

Nina: "She's GONE! And now I'm off to dance! Okay, here goes."

Thomas: "Nina, how could you fall over?!"

Darren Aronofsky: "It's okay. It'll be that much more awesome when she succeeds. That's how the ballet world works. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I saw Flashdance like eight times."

Lily: "Nina, you totally can't do this. Let me dance the role."

Nina: "NO!" *stab* "Now to hide the body, dance the role I was mean to dance, and outsex a French lech."

Audience: "Ahh."

Nina: "I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I've unleashed my inner beast and now I can dance the black swan!"

Sadako: "All with a little help from tinted contact lenses and crazed eye make up."

Lily: "Hi Nina, you were great. Well, bye!"

Nina: "...crap."

Randy "The Ram": "Eh. It's been done."

The Making of the Black Swan

2011-02-28T10:30:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how my favorite movies get made. I decided to let my imagination go wild after I saw The Black Swan this month as I pictured director Darren Aronofsky pitching his movie before the big suits.

Also, congratulate me. This marks post #200 for me. Have a slice of scary ass ballet cake in my honor on your way out. (I hear Natalie Portman is celebrating some Black Swan related news herself, so have some grapefruit on her behalf if you like.)

Finally, if you enjoyed this, stay tuned next week for Movies in a Minute: The Black Swan.

Studio Execs: "Have a seat, Darren. So, tell us about The Black Swan.

Darren Aronofsky: "It's about a ballet dancer, Nina. She lives in a sad, pathetic uptown apartment with only her crazed mom and her food issues."

Execs: "That went over well in Precious. Let's replace the pig knuckles with ballerina cake. What else you got?"

Darren: "Well, dance and the ballet world are apparently even more competitive than the intense world of pro-wrestling. Nothing like my brief exposure to Angelina Ballerina led me to believe."

Execs: "Interesting."

Darren: "I was thinking that Nina could use her passion for dance to unleash her sexuality. Through dancing this intense role, she'll go from being meek and sweet to an erotic being. I don't think that anyone's approached it from that angle."

Frances "Baby" Houseman: "I'll go sit back in my corner now."

Fran, Strictly Ballroom: "I'll join you."

Gypsy Rose Lee: "Save me a pole."

Execs: "How are you going to signify that Nina has transformed from child to a sexualized woman?"

Darren: "I was thinking we could have her throw her stuffed toys down the garbage chute."

Execs: "Worked for Tim Burton's version of Selena Kyle!"

Corduroy: "You guys know this is the kind of thing that kept me obsessively sleepwalking to the attic for spare buttons for like months after I got adopted, right? This is my nightmare fuel."

Execs: "But it still needs a little something extra."

Darren: "Some really disgusting bloody scenes straight out of the Grossology that show the artist pushing her body to the limit? In case you'd like to get an idea of what I'm capable of, I brought the unedited versions of Requiem for a Dream and The Wrestler, some preliminary sketches, and my scab collection."

Execs: "Well, we were thinking along the lines of Oscar-bait."

Darren: "How about a movie that messes with the audience by including scenes that might be imaginary?"

Execs: "OK. But can you make it...sexy?"

Darren: "How about the hallucinatory scenes culminate in a lesbian scene, featuring a brunette actress low on ability but heavy on sensuality. Preferably one who's dating a former child star--it shows willingness to hit the casting couch. Megan Fox, or failing that, Mila Kunis."

Execs: "Sounds like Jennifer's Body meets Repulsion. It's a hit! Any ideas about the music? Something classy, no doubt."

Darren: "The score to Swan Lake?"

Execs: "Since it's either that or the only other classical score anyone on board knows about--the 1812 Overture--we'll go with it. What about the ending?"

Darren: "She stabs herself and then carries on with her art. The camera will go to black at the end, implying her death."

Execs: "I don't know. Didn't you just do that in The Wrestler?"

Darren: "Okay, how about the camera fades to white instead, implying her death?"

Execs: "Love it!"

Pop Culture Musings: Reality Stars II

2011-02-21T10:30:00.003-05:00

Last summer, I blogged about reality TV stars. Since the blight of reality TV stars hasn't gone away, I decided to do a follow up post.

In other news: just one more post till my 200th blog post!

The Situation

Rumor has it Mike of The Jersey Shore has spent most of this season glued to the duck phone talking to his agent, trying to parlay his success into movie roles. For this reason, I must compare the Sitch to Shelley Long on Cheers. Remember when Shelley mistakenly thought that she was going on to bigger and better things by leaving her old drinking buddies behind? (Incidentally, who would have thought we'd find a group of people to make Norm, Cliffy, and Paul look positively cosmopolitan?)

A little part of me hopes the Situation leaves, just like Diane left Cheers. Not so much because I want to see the show fall apart, but because I think a remake of Troop Beverly Hills could use a six pack. Also, because I want to see which Scientologist has to step up to replace Sitch.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

What more is there to say about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that hasn't been said, blogged, and tweeted by Andy Cohen and his production team? My own impression is that these girls are a bit like a minstrel show version of the First Wives' Club.

Taylor has clearly learned from Goldie Hawn and blown up her lips well before her husband starts eyeing an Elizabeth Berkley doppelganger. Camille Grammer, on the other hand, takes "revenge" by doing the talk show circuit and making single entendres on her husband's choice of underwear. Meanwhile, Kelsey smiles and nods, pretending that she's really shown him while mentally congratulating himself on the fact that his current lover has reached the age of majority and then some.

Tim Gunn

As you can see from all the reality stars I've been blogging about, sense and decorum are severely lacking. And that's why we need the Gunn. Tim brings order to the chaos that is reality TV. That's why I think of him as the Sidney Poitier of reality television, telling off everyone from to the Salahis to Kenley Collins.

Sometimes we need a well spoken Bo Brummel type to come in, sit us down, and tell us that yes, burning sanitary napkins is filthy. And no, you can't go to the White House sans invite.

Liz Lee

Liz Lee is the star of the MTV show My Life as Liz, a semi scripted reality program. Liz is Quirky and has the dyed red hair and comic book collection to prove it. Whether she's diving into a dumpster for a found object project or burning photographs of her former teen queen best friend, Liz is nothing if not studiously left of center.

But you can tell that she's not really quite as bizarre as she tries to be. I get the feeling that Liz is more at home at the Gap than Urban Outfitter and that she carries around the Hipster Handbook hoping that her fellow Pratt Institute students don't find her out. Liz's diligence at trying as hard as possible to be awkward puts me in mind of Natalie Portman in Garden State. Cute, perky overachiever trying her best to be as alternative as possible by spouting off random monosyllabic nonsensical words. (Doesn't it say something that the only way that Sam's shtick made sense was when the creators of Garden State decided to make her brain damaged?)

The Jersey Shore

Yep, I've got more to say about them. Remember that episode of Boy Meets World when Cory, Shawn, and Topanga star in a dumbed down academic bowl, answering frivolous pop cultural questions, only to have Mr. Feeny heap scorn and derision on them? Of course you do. The Jersey Shore gang is like a less cute, less pop culturally savvy version of Lips, Hair, and Brainiac-14.

I'm still waiting for Mr. Feeny to swoop in and scream at Mike, Pauly D, and Vinny for having over twenty different classifications of grenades and land mines but -- despite access to Google and Wikipedia -- no idea who invented the printing press.

Millionaire Matchmaker: Season 4 in a Minute

2011-02-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

In honor of Valentine's Day, I present a recap of season 4 of the Millionaire Matchmaker. Yes, that's the New York City edition.

Patti: "I'm a third generation matchmaker with a 90% success rate!"

Destin: "New York is scary, Rachel. Do you think that our alternative act will impress the Manhattan hipster crowd?"

Patti: "Let's meet the new intern. OHN-drea? Get your skinny but incompetent ass out here!"

Andrea: "Brandon, is that you?"

Andrea: "Miranda! You called me thin?!"

Andrea: "I think it's me."

Patti: "This is Bryce Gruber. She's an uptight Charlotte York type who makes a living covering her vulva with sparkles on the LuxurySpot.com, and her hobbies include pursing her lips and eye rolling. Her turn ons are uncomfortably long silences and the Jewish version of George Clooney."

Bryce: "Um..."

Niles Crane: "She's perfect! Do you have her in WASP-white?"

Patti: "Our other millionaire is guido Derek Tabacco. Hmm. What girls should I pick out for him? You. Can you like the Mets and name drop the terms moozadell and cacciatore?"

Derek Tabacco: "So, Patti, I loved the girl you picked out for me, but she's too young to settle down. Do you got anyone who's got the face and body of a teenager, the nesting instinct of a thirty year old, the well-established career of a forty year old, and the inability to ever wrinkle?"

Rod Serling: "No, but I might. Number Twelve looks like she'd be a great match for you!"

Patti: "Stop picking with the penis!"

Caroline Manzo: "Patti, my boys are having trouble finding love because every girl around them just wants them for their fame. Can you find them love?"

Patti: "Destin, are you sure the Situation won't do our show? What about the other Jersey Shore kids? I'll settle for the ugly one."

Destin: "Which one's the ugly one? And no."

Patti: "OK, Caroline, your boys are on. Guys, who do you like?"

Christopher: "I like that one."

Patti: "Stop it! Stop thinking with the cannoli! Now Albie, Chris, go plan your dates."

Chris Manzo: "So, I'm planning the first date, and we're going to Medieval Times."

Adriana LaCerva: "Aw. Drinks at the Bada Bing and dinner at Medieval Times was where Chrissy took me on our first date!"

Chris Manzo: "So, yeah. I work so many hours, you'll never actually see me, but my job isn't so prestigious you can brag about that to your friends."

Patti Stanger: "I'm a third generation matchmaker with a 60% success rate."

David: "Hi..."

Patti: "So, can we set him up with the moon and be done with it?"

Date: "So, um, what are we doing on our date?"

Sadako: "Pissing off the pro life crowd and PETA with food more controversial than foie gras."

David: "Have some balut. That's duck embryo, you know."

Date: "No..."

David: "Yes. And then put the lotion on your goddamned skin."

Matt: "I'm a millionaire because my dad invented a cookie."

Patti: "You're Otis Spunkmeyer, Jr.?"

Matt: "No."

Patti: "One of the Keebler kids?"

Matt: "No..."

Patti: "Lil Debbie? You've...changed."

Matt: "My dad was Dr. Siegal and his cookie helps you lose weight. I want a young hottie who's also got his own money, too."

Patti: "You think a ten with money is going to consider you?"

Matt: "I'll browbeat him into submission. Watch. So, yeah. You're kind of juvenile. I was really attracted to the twenty five year old at the mixer. You seem like a nice friend. Want to hear about the fantasy I constructed where he played Ganymede to my Zeus."

Matt: "That went better than usual."

Patti: "This...is Robin. Robin has a pretty face after about three martinis, loves the color pink, and Hello Kitty. Her turn ons are TSA lawsuits and keeping Sanrio in business. Her hobbies are getting her dogs botoxed and inciting feminist parents to start class action lawsuits against the Disney Princess line."

Robin: "Oh, I want that one, please! Sexy plumber!"

Luke: "So do you people prefer the term Grenade or Fat Bottomed Girl?"

Robin: "I love you!"

Patti: "I'm a third generation matchmaker. Call on me when opening the phone book to a random name and number is too much work."

Stacey: "Patti, I've changed. Now, I'm going to plan the date. Eben, honey, we're going to a screening of how I made my very first lingerie shoot."

Patti: "What is WRONG with you?! You don't self promote on a first date! That's fourth, maybe. Showing a video of yourself? NOT COOL. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CLUB."

Max Goof: "Oops. Sorry, Roxanne."

Patti: "Good bye, New York."

Best 90210 Moments

2011-02-10T10:30:00.000-05:00

Looking over my blog posts, I realize that I haven't talked nearly enough about Beverly Hills. Here are some of the all time best vintage 90210 moments:

Another Nerd Bites the Dust

When David Silver (currently known as Mr. Megan Fox) was deemed cool enough to hang with the Peach Pit gang, Aaron Spelling had to get rid of any remnants of David's former, uncool life (i.e., dorky best friend Scott Scanlon). So, in a story so tragic that gun control advocates will be itching to cite it in keynote speeches, Scott accidentally shoots himself in the head at his own birthday party. (For those of you who favored Saved by the Bell, consider this to be slightly less sad than Slater's beloved lizard passing on.) Darren Star generously lets David spend half of the episode mourning his best friend before moving on to his trajectory of becoming the white M.C. Hammer.

Scenes from that episode that ended up on the cutting room floor: One where a rotund, bearded, cap wearing liberal camps out with David outside Charlton Heston's pad with Scott Scanlon's school photo in hand.

Donna Martin Graduates

Before the prom, the school administration at West Beverly High makes a statement that any student seen intoxicated at the event will not be allowed to walk at graduation. Donna Martin gets drunk at the prom. The school, sticking to their guns in a manner that both Cesar Milan and Nanny Jo would approve of, tells Donna she won't be able to walk with her friends. Brandon and the rest stage a walk out protesting the enforcement of school rules.

It's stuff like this that makes it easier to understand why our generation thinks that "Free Snooki!" is a meaningful rally cry.

U4EA

Emily Valentine gives Brandon his first taste of illicit drugs. And Brandon gave the audience of the 90s a taste of what it's like to party at a rave. An unbuttoned shirt and a good natured lack of coordination are a must. A drug happy moll whose eyebrow color doesn't match her hair complete the look. I have to admit, I kind of liked Emily Valentine. Too bad Brandon was too clean cut (and ripped) to play the Sid Vicious to her especially clingy Nancy Spungen.

Meeting Mr. Pony

After Brenda is robbed at gunpoint at Peach Pit, she starts feeling panicky, having flashbacks, and rivaling Tom Cruise in Born on the Fourth of July in terms of showing that pretty people can deal with PTSD, too.

Roger Azarian

Matthew Perry plays a tennis star named Roger Azarian who goes to West Beverly and has written a movie script about killing his father. When Brandon interviews Roger for the school paper, he discovers that he's got a terrible secret: he stole most of the details of his life from Lyle and Erik Menendez. And as Brandon showed us in episode six, plagiarism is no laughing matter, Mr. Azarian. Off to a rent controlled apartment in the West Village with ye!

Andrea's Secret

Andrea has been using her grandmother's address as her own so she can attend West Beverly. When she wins an award, a paper wants to do a story on her life--including her home and family life. Andrea and the gang struggle to make it work without revealing her secret.

Now that a real life mother in Ohio is facing legal repercussions for using her father's address to send her kids to a better school, Andrea's story is timelier than ever. Of course, in Andrea's case she ended up pulling a Topanga and giving up Yale to attend the Beverly Hills campus of Fictional Sitcom University, so I'm not sure she really needed to go to West Beverly High so badly.

You also have to appreciate the fact that Andrea's Jewish grandmother pulls a major guilt trip on her, invoking her own near miss with the gas chambers. Anyone else shocked that Andrea married out of the faith?

Kelly Taylor and the Date Rape That Almost Was But Then Wasn't (and Then Almost Was Again)

Sorry for the flippant tone, but this scene progresses a bit like, "He rapes me. He rapes me not. He rapes me..." Anyway, the gang attends a Halloween party. Kelly goes as a sexy witch and is almost raped, but gets rescued by Brenda and Donna just in time.

Brenda proves why she was voted Bitchiest 90210 Denizen three years running by taking the opportunity to point out that Kelly had been dressing and acting a little too sexy and what did she think was going to happen? (If Regina George were here, I'm sure she'd point out that Kelly forgot the requisite animal ears to go with her costume--hence, the slut shaming.)

Things I Wish I Could Tell My 16 Year Old Self, Part II

2011-02-07T09:00:00.004-05:00

(Thanks to Jasmine at We Heart It.)

Because my last installment of things I wished I could tell my 16 year old self was so popular, here are some more points of edification for young Sadako.

And please check out my guest post on the Secret Society of List Addicts. It's on movie quotes that should become memes.

When your best friend finishes up her tiger painting and asks you to help her dye streaks into it, put the dye down, back away from her preppy boyfriend, and ride off into the distance with her hot raspy voiced musician brother, El Cid style.

To the part of my 16 year old self that wants to jump on the famous for being famous bandwagon, stop spending so much time crashing at Judge Ito's place and make an effort to get out to Robert Kardashian's compound.

Stop making jokes about how someone's in dire need of "puberty in a can" when you see Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Third Rock. Time will be kind to Mr. Gordon-Levitt. (You can continue making said jokes any time French Stewart appears, however.)

Don't throw away that too small tan belt--it'll come in handy years from now when you want to impress your friends with your Nick toons knowledge by going to a Halloween party as Quail Girl.

Yes, the WB thinks that just about anything teen related can be exploited. Feel free to mock it mercilessly for thinking even Jack and Bobby Kennedy's lives can be made Dawson's Creek-esque. But hold off on your mockery of Smallville because snarking on superheroes is going to go out of fashion very soon.

Go back and rewatch Trading Places. Find a way to make Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd's selling short scheme work when you hear about the opportunity to invest in a Broadway musical to which both Julie Taymor and Bono will be attached.

When creating your burn book, don't leave it lying around unprotected. Make sure to take a note from your very first diary (I'm talking of course about the Talkback Dear Diary). Nothing says put down the burn book and walk away with zero knowledge of Trang Pak's fugliness like a pre-recorded "HANDS OFF, CREEP" message.

Career advice: in the long run working as a nanny trumps working for Goldman Sachs.

Once again, if that creepy caller phones you late at night, MOTHER VOORHES was the killer in Friday the 13th. Of course, you can avoid that little conundrum by telling the guy your favorite scary movie is The Ewok Adventure...

Don't spend so much time trying to play down looking awkward. Glasses, a bowl cut, and questionable posture just might take your blog to the next level.

"Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs" isn't as witty a voicemail message as you think it is. No, not even if you invest in the above mentioned Julie Taymor musical. Go with, "Believe it or not, Sadako isn't at home" if you must adopt a cute message.

Inside the Mind of a Jezebel Reader

2011-02-03T09:00:00.007-05:00

There's nothing I love to snark on more than Jezebel. For those not in the know, Jezebel is the self proclaimed feminist blog of Gawker. It stands for, "Celebrity, Sex, Fashion For Women. Without Airbrushing."

What does looking at Jezebel comments tell us about the users of Gawker's distaff site? Well, let's take a look!

In an environment ill suited for one's sighs and well timed eye rolls, why bother with anything Dorothy Parker-esque? Short, succinct sentences like, "Um? The point? You missed it" are enough. An "Uh?" or a "Seriously?" will also suffice. Sometimes, sentences prove to be too much for the Jezebel commenter. At times like this, she'll seek to show her approval with a gif of Orson Wells clapping or the single but potent word, "Hearted."

And as always, the words, "Why don't you have a seat over there," or the ever subtle inclusion of Chris Hansen's face work wonders in a way that an thoughtful analysis never could.

In the Jezebel world, a celebrity is like a good friend. And a good friend is there for you. As we learned from Judy Blume, a true friend doesn't lie about her menstrual cycle, and she certainly doesn't commit the faux pas of looking prettier than you, especially when you're not feeling at your loveliest. Megan Fox, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Laura Danker--the ladies at Jezebel are on to you.

But there's nothing like a woman who falls outside of patriarchal norms--usually due to weight or skin color. Mindy Kaling, Gabourey Sidibe, Crystal Renn, and Christina Hendricks are, thus, acceptable celebrities to love. Attention must be taken, though--at times, even the above mentioned celebs are considered attractive by a heterosexual man.

When that happens--when Crystal Renn sheds a dress size or two, or when Christina Hendricks appears looking scantily clad and ethereal on the cover of a men's magazine--careful measures must be taken. A good Jezebel commenter must affect just the right amount of concern and dismay for her idol inching closer towards mainstream appeal. Concern for the evils of anorexia or Photoshop must be invoked.

And at all costs: remember to rail against the evil that is sexyface. (Jezebel's odes against attractive women looking sexy in photographs rivals only Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God for pure vitriol.)

What else can we glean? The Jezebel reader is a busy gal. Jezebel lets her multitask. Posts about American Apparel's sexism, anti-fat policies, and propensity for dayglo unitards allow her to both exercise her outrage and find a cute outfit.

Righteous anger at the fact that most clothing stores cater to the non-overweight women are another way that the Jezebel commenter can get in her daily dose of outrage while finding an outlet for the angst created when she has to create another notch in her cute (but reprehensibly straight sized) Forever 21 belt to get it to fit.

Reading Vogue, looking at a billboard, or browsing through model memoirs are a convenient way to work up anger about The State of the World These Days. The best part? Railing against the proliferation of eating disorders and supermodel abuse means you don't even have to break out anything as complicated as Thomas Friedman for dummies (also known as Nicholas Kristoff).

When it comes to not fitting into the mainstream beauty ideal--whether it's due to not being white enough or thin enough, Jezebel's got you covered. Didn't feel like going for a run this weekend? Blame it on patriarchy 'n privilage [sic] and you're good to go.

Finally, if you're trying to get a Jezebel user to like someone, try slut shaming her. Kathie Lee Gifford found out the hard way that when you gently suggest that Snooki replace the Velcro keeping her legs together with say, super glue, even the most anti-Guido of the Jezebelles will leap to the defense of the Jersey Shore gals.

Movies in a Minute: Bowling for Columbine

2011-01-31T10:00:00.003-05:00

Michael Moore: "Columbine proved we Americans sure do have a problem with guns. Look! You can get a gun in a bank."

Michael Moore: "And look! A beagle with a rifle. Could we be any kookier? Well, speaking of kooks...let's talk to a famous crazy gun nut."

Assistant: "Mr. Moore, we couldn't get in touch with Phil Spector's people but Terry Nichols is available to talk to you. Also, your shipment of bacon covered bacon just arrived."

Terry Nichols: "I sleep with a gun under my pillow."

Michael Moore: "Cue the montage of gun use!"

Beatles: "Happiness is a warm gun..."

Michael Moore: "Did you guys know that Lockheed Martin was responsible for creating bombs that were dropped on Kosovo the day of the Columbine massacre? And look who's in charge of Lockheed. A white man! In a suit. Now, cue Louis Armstrong's Wonderful World and let's watch some tapes of the U.S. doing evil. Next, we have a tape of the Columbine massacre."

Assistant: "Should we play The KKK Took My Baby Away or My Generation in the background?"

Michael Moore: "Let's be understated and just play the hysterical 911 call a Columbine teacher placed at the time instead. Anyway, after that, the NRA still came to Denver."

Charlton Heston: "FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!"

Michael Moore: "So, why do we have higher rates of gun related deaths than any other countries, despite the fact that other nations also love video games, heavy metal, and also have experienced the breakdown of the nuclear family? I'm not sure, but let's have another montage while we play the synthesized version of Beethoven's Fourth made popular in A Clockwork Orange."

Stanley Kubrick: "I really should have more control over this sort of thing."

Michael Moore: "Matt Stone who created South Park also grew up in Colorado. Speaking of cartoons, I'm going to show you a South Park esque cartoon. Draw your own conclusions about who animated it."

Cartoon Character: "Being a rich white oppressive moron is so much easier with a gun."

Matt Stone: "Note to self. Remember this moment when writing the script for Team America. Also, look into the physics of marionette fornication."

Michael Moore: "Americans sure are afraid of things. Probably because of the news depicting black people as criminals. Even the wild, Africanized bees can't catch a break."

Professor Barry Glassner: "That's right. You know, on TV, they make black and Hispanic people look like bad guys but the real tragedy is that we can't see the Hollywood sign because of all the pollution. The police are here covering a story of a suspect with a gun but no one seems to care about the pollution issue."

Michael Moore: "Is that so? Excuse me, Mr. Policeman? You can't see the Hollywood sign because of the pollution. Mr. Policeman? Also, I dropped my fudgsicle. Can you arrest someone?"

Policeman: "Absolutely not."

Michael Moore: "But, but...the pollution!"

Al Gore: "Hands off, Mike. That story's all mine."

Black Kids Playing: "La la la..."

Policeman: "Hmm..."

Michael Moore: "Why not? ...uh, why not?"

Policeman: "Excuse me a sec, I'm in the running for the LAPD's much ballyhooed Mark Fuhrman award."

Michael Moore: "All right, that's enough critical thinking. Now, back to pop culture. You know what else sucks? COPS! Cue the theme song!"

Cops Creator Dick Herland: "Well, exploring the true causes of crime would be hard. So we mostly just follow around cops and pour our scriptwriting funds into Krispy Kremes."

Michael Moore: "Do a show called Corporation Cops! Everyone in America with a dead end job is gonna love seeing a rich white boss man get taken down. After all, who wouldn't want to punch a guy wearing a suit and tie?"

Sadako: "At this point, I can't tell if Corporation Cops is supposed to pass for wit or if it's just another promo for Stupid White Men."

Michael Moore: "Time now for the O Canada section of our film. Did you know Canadians have a lower rate of gun related murder than the the U.S., despite the same poverty levels, gun ownership rates, and enjoyment of violent movies as we do?

Sadako: "Also, that the Canadians have about seventy ways to describe french fries topped with gravy and cheese, but no word for hatred?"

Michael Moore: "So, Canadians. Do you guys lock your doors?"

Canadian: "Nope."

Canadian: "No."

Canadian: "Not at all."

Michael Moore: "See? Hi. Hey there!"

Canadian: "Oh, hello. Up for a game of luge?"

Michael Moore: "Plus their news is free of propaganda and their politicians ready to engage in intelligent discourse."

Bureau of Canadian Tourism: "Here's your check, Mike."

Michael Moore: "Now we're going to return to Flint. Yup, Flint, Michigan. My hometown and site of both my first movie and first documented stalking experience. A six year old boy shot a little girl at school. No one knows why."

Sadako: "I'll go with institutionalized racism with a side order of The White Man."

Charlton Heston: "FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS! AGAIN!"

Michael Moore: "As he had after the Columbine shooting, Charlton Heston showed up with a pro-gun rally after this shooting, too."

Sadako: "Just when your little morality play needed a rich conservative white man to cast in the role of villain most."

Michael Moore: "Next I decided to meet up with some kids who still had bullets lodged in their bodies from the Columbine High School shooting. I figured this movie still didn't have a moment that rivaled the skinned rabbit scene in Roger and Me for tastelesness, so I took the kids to K-Mart and asked if we could return the bullets in their shrapnel ridden bodies for cash."

K-Mart: "Well..."

Michael Moore: "When that didn't work, I had the kids show off their bullet wounds. Lift up your shirt--show 'em the bullets."

Dov Charney: "Compared with this, my unitard ad campaigns are positively G-rated in terms of exploitation levels."

Michael Moore: "Then it was time to harass Charlton Heston while Mr. Roger's Neighborhood played in the distance and I broke the all time record for ironic music in a film."

Charlton Heston: "Hi."

Michael Moore: "Why do YOU think there's so much gun violence in America?"

Charlton Heston: "Ethnic strife?"

Michael Moore: "Are you saying you hate black people?"

Charlton Heston: "I don't know. I'm an old man. I get confused!"

Michael Moore: "So, why do you hate poor, black, oppressed people? And why do you like to have rallies after children have just been murdered? And does it burn you up that you were never considered for the part of Paul Kesey in Death Watch?"

Charlton Heston: "..."

Roger Smith: "Just smile and nod and wait for him to take a cheeseburger break."

Michael Moore: "Will you at least apologize?"

Charlton Heston: "Moses doesn't apologize for shit."

Michael Moore: "Mr. Heston, wait, come back, I need to get a shot of you pissing on a murdered girl's photo. Mr. Heston, WAIT. Screw it, we'll amp up his evil quotient in post-production. As I left, I reflected on our gun problem and thought: it was a glorious time to be an American."

Joey Ramone: "And I say to myself...what a wonderful world..."

Michael Moore: "In case you couldn't tell before, I was being sarcastic."

Lessons I Learned from Teen Movies, Part II

2011-01-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

There's nothing I like more than learning a good lesson. (A trait I'm sure I picked up from the American Girls and Stan Marsh.) Here's Part II what I learned from some of the teen movies I've watched over the years. Part I here.

She's All That

Synopsis: After getting dumped by his hottie girlfriend, Zach makes a bet that he can turn any girl into the next high school bombshell. He's given the task of playing Henry Higgins to nerd girl Laney Boggs' Eliza Doolittle.

Lessons Learned: There is very little that can make the kids of Rydell High learning to hand jive seem hip. Watching a bunch of white kids try to turn Rockafeller Skank into a dance sensation qualifies, however.

The Craft

Synopsis: Four high school girls discover that they can actually use witchcraft to get what they want.

Lessons Learned: Learning witchcraft is good for summoning up vermin, getting rid of an amorous stepfather, and perfecting the art of Zettai Ryouiki.

10 Things I Hate About You

Synopsis: A teen movie version of The Taming of the Shrew in which new student Cameron pays bad boy Patrick to ask out bitchy feminist outcast Kat in order to date her more subdued sister. Hilarity, romance, and pop music of the day ensue.

Lessons Learned: What is feminism, really? Feminism means never penciling in your eyebrows to make them darker, even when you've got less melanin than Data. Feminism means that girls can go to the guitar shop and reenact the, "It will be mine, oh yes. It will be mine," scene from Wayne's World. And feminism means never loosening up. No matter how many fortune cookies implore you to let a smile be your umbrella. It also means if a guy is paid to take you out, you're only allowed to be mad at him until he buys you something pretty.

We can't be too surprised that soon after, girls and women turned from Kat Stratford to Carrie Bradshaw, right?

Election

Synopsis: An overachiever, a football player, and a vengeful social studies teacher deal with a high school presidential election.

Lessons Learned: I'll tell you what I didn't learn. The difference between morals and ethics. Stupid Alexander Payne.

Ghost World

Synopsis: After high school, fellow outcasts and best friends Enid and Rebecca try for a non traditional route, only to find things changing faster than they'd realized.

Lessons Learned: Despite how things turned out for them (and poor, poor Seymour), I still admire Enid and Rebecca. It takes a certain amount of chutzpah to do what they did. Embrace outsider-hood. Not go to college. Wear combat boots and long sleeved shirts in the middle of summer.

The Breakfast Club

Synopsis: During a Saturday detention, five kids from different cliques realize they have more in common than they'd thought.

Lessons Learned: Actually, this is one time when I don't think I learned much of anything (except that when TBS is doing a John Hughes-a-thon, The Breakfast Club makes for a good opportunity to take a pizza break). I'll tell you what Anthony Michael Hall learned, though: whether she's a posh uptown girl or a pseudo Goth chick, girls don't go for quiet boys who enjoy puzzles. (Sorry, Langdon Alger.) Check out all of Anthony Michael Hall's post steroid work to see just how much of that lesson he took to heart.

Dirty Dancing

Synopsis: A sheltered Jewish girl finds love one summer at a resort in the Catskills in the early 60s.

Lessons Learned: Whether you're looking for an abortion experience considered safe by pre Roe v. Wade standards, tango lessons, or an education in Ayn Rand, the Catskills circa 1962 were the place to be.

Sixteen Candles

Synopsis: Samantha tries to cope with humiliation and getting the guy of her dreams when her family forgets her birthday. Meanwhile, dorky Farmer Ted gets the girl of his dreams.

Lessons Learned: Sometimes I wonder if John Hughes was going out of his way to come up with ambiguously non-consensual sex scenes just to give feminist blogs of the 00s something to angst over. (To be fair, he did do them a service--after all, just how many posts can you eke out on Terry Richardson and Dov Charney?)

Lessons I Learned from Teen Movies, Part I

2011-01-25T09:30:00.002-05:00

There's nothing I like more than learning a good lesson. (A trait I'm sure I picked up from the American Girls and Stan Marsh.) Here's what I learned from some of the teen movies I've watched over the years.

Clueless

Synopsis: A sixteen year old Beverly Hills airhead tries to mentor a new girl, learns some life lessons, and finds love in the most unlikely of places.

Lessons Learned: Using a computer for things other than the Oregon Trail and Midnight Madness doesn't make you a dork or a shut-in. Computers can make things pretty. (I have it on pretty good authority the Weinstein Brothers were taking a break from writing Clueless fanfic when they came up with the idea of equipping each Project Runway contestant with an HP Tablet.) Sorry, Mark Zuckerberg, I credit Cher with transforming computers from dull to chic.

Also: incest is best, Wally Shawn is capable of expanding his range beyond "INCONCEIVABLE," and everyone's favorite diva Cher has a hidden past as an infomercial goddess.

Scream

Synopsis: Kevin Williamson pays homage to the slasher genre in this 90s send up of horror movies.

Lessons Learned: Jason Voorhes' mother was the killer in Friday the 13th. I repeat, Jason Voorhes' mother was the killer in Friday the 13th.

Can't Hardly Wait

Synopsis: Right after graduation, high schoolers attend a party. Preston hopes that after years of unrequited love, the newly dumped, popular girl Amanda will discover a love of literary nerds, while outcast Denise finds love in the unlikeliest of places.

Lessons Learned: Ways to start a relationship: common interests, no. Biting the bullet and taking them to dinner and a movie, no. Waiting years until they're dumped and vulnerable and then moving in for the kill: yes. Finding yourself trapped in a bathroom with nothing else to do: yes.

And people are surprised that flowers, chocolates, and sonnets have been replaced by negs and Facebook pokes.

Empire Records

Synopsis: A day in the life of a group of high school kids working at an alternative record store, trying to deal with their various problems, and attempting to save their store from the forces of corporate evil.

Lessons Learned: Damn the man! Save the Empire! Gamble with your boss's hard earned savings in Atlantic City! And do it with maximum navel exposure. Years from now, the Museum of Sex is going to feature another exhibit on cultures and their fetishes, and right alongside the Chinese and foot binding, the Japanese and their love of necks, the men of the 1990s and their belly buttons will be right there next to them.

Cruel Intentions

Synopsis: Decadent prep school students manipulate the lives of kids around them in this Dangerous Liaisons remake.

Lessons Learned: I learned that you can avoid sleazy 90s teen movies your entire life and somehow still have to watch them for class when you attend an Ivy League institution of higher learning. And director Roger Kumble learned that when you're making a movie about prep school kids that you should think a little bigger. After all, give Katherine Mertreuil a few more Barney's shopping scenes and give Sebastian a pet monkey, take Sebastian's journal and give it a nameless narrator, and you've got Cecily Von Ziegesar's oeuvre. Poor Roger probably still can't watch Gossip Girl without wishing he'd given Sarah Michelle Gellar a few more scenes in her school girl uniform and found a good publishing company to collaborate with.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Synopsis: A lovable high schooler plays hooky, avoids the wrath of Principal Rooney, and tries to show his best friend how to appreciate the little things.

Lessons Learned: Life moves pretty quickly. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.

Also, if you want to steal other people's lunch reservations and mess with vintage cars that don't belong to you with impunity, it helps to spout off pithy aphorisms at random intervals.

Carrie

Synopsis: A high school pariah with telekinetic powers takes revenge on her fellow students at prom.

Lessons Learned: When taking revenge on your peers, less is more. Carrie White's vengeance was theatrical but she could have done just as much damage and lived to tell about it with just a piece of chalk. Next time, be less like Carrie White and more like Mathilda Wormwood. (Though to be fair, when Mathilda exacted revenge on Miss Trunchbull, she hadn't just been pelted with tampons.)

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: The Bewitchin' Pool

2011-01-18T09:30:00.000-05:00

Enjoy the latest Twilight Zone post, guys. And expect a Babysitters Club post coming up in the next couple of weeks.

Sport: "What do you thinks down in that there pool, Jeb?"

Jeb: "Water?"

Sport: "Silly. We're supposed to show the audience that our rich fantasy life is the only thing keeping us from feelin' bad about our divorcing parents."

Whitt: "Howdy! Come with me!"

Sport: "What is this place?"

Rod Serling: "I described it to the writers as the town of Willoughby but even more idyllic."

Jeb: "Gollee!"

Sport: "I wonder if all there was a hole in the bottom of our swimmin' pool."

Whitt: "Hahaha!"

Sport: "Why you--

Aunt T: "Now, now. There's no fightin' to be had here. Fightin' takes away from the energy you'll be needing for chores--I mean, for enjoying a parent free paradise. I'm Aunt T, the only grown up in this place."

Michael Jackson: "Would you be interested in networking? Your place could be a direct subsidiary of Neverland Ranch..."

Aunt T: "Whitt, you and Sport go off and settle your argument. Jeb, while those two are settling their little tiff, you can help me ice the the cake. My, my. You are very accomplished! Have you had much experience?"

Jeb: "No, ma'am, this is my first."

Aunt T: "Well, we'll just have to put you on cake duty. Though from the look of it, I'd also like to see you behind a shoeshine kit if I get the chance..."

Sport: "We're back."

Aunt T: "My, you children do seem serious. Why don't you laugh much?"

Patti Hearst: "Yeah, guys. Getting kidnapped from your family's no excuse for long faces. I regularly did Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce bits for the SLA gang before our raids."

Sport: "What's there to laugh at?"

Whit: "I got a riddle! What do you call someone who crosses the ocean twice and never takes a bath? A dirty double crosser!"

Sport: "...it's going to be a long eternity."

Aunt T: "I'll show you children your rooms and assign you to your chores! And if we have time, I'll measure your ankles and waists for the chains I'll be affixin' to the radiator."

Sport: "No. We have to go."

Jeb: "I wanna stay with Aunt T! Our inexplicable Southern accents and our predilection for going barefoot suddenly make sense when we're here."

Sport: "She's a kidnapper."

Aunt T: "Am not. I've been tempted to, hundreds of time, when I've seen children whose parents don't treat 'em right."

Sadako: "Yeah, I hate it when I see kids wearing shoes, living in upper middle class homes, and getting an education that goes beyond an old woman's homespun wisdom. Really burns me up."

Aunt T: "But I always resisted the temptation!"

Parents' voices: "Sport, Jeb? Come back here!"

Sport: "They're calling us."

Aunt T: "Those voices you hear calling...at first they seem quite strong. But if you ignore them, they go away after a while. And I've got Stockholm Syndrome for dummies if that don't work!"

Sport: "They're our parents and they love us!"

Aunt T: "If you say so..."

Sport: "Come on, Jeb. We cain't go back there ag'in."

Mother: "Sport, where is your brother? Get him. It's time for a chilling denouement to this episode, and I'm only doing it once."

Sport: "Jeb. Jeb?! He musta gone back to Aunt T!"

Jeb: "Aunt T? Why does their have to be chores?"

Aunt T: "Every child must have chores. It teaches him dignity of work and the joy of labor."

Bill Lumbergh: "Hmm. I like the sound of that. Hey, Peter, I'm gonna need you to learn a little bit more about the dignity of work this Saturday. Oh, and I'd like you to go ahead and experience the joy of labor."

Jeb: "Do all the children got holes in their swimming pools?"

Aunt T: "Oh, no. Some of them come down chimneys. Or you open a door and there they are. Sometimes you find them on streetcorners or on doorstops."

Sadako: "And sometimes you find them in Lindbergh cribs or in the basements of Boulder, Colorado homes owned by kiddie beauty pageant aficionados. And sometimes even in the bedrooms of Mormon girls."

Sport: "Jeb, we got to come back! Mama and Daddy have news."

Jeb: "Is it that we was switched at birth and that somewhere in Appalachia, there's a pair of WASPy kids in blazers and floral skirts wondering where their Connecticut parents are?"

Sport: "They aren't gonna yell and scream at each other anymore. And we're gonna take trips together. Everything's gonna be different. They're gonna love us."

Jeb: "But I want to stay with Aunt T!"

Aunt T: "Well, you best go back then. Whitt, get my headhunter on the line and see if he's got any more kids I could use. Tell him I'll settle for Red Chief if it's all he's got."

Sport: "Are you going to love us?"

Mrs. Sherwood: "No, we're getting a divorce. You want to live with me or that bum?"

Sport: "But what about the vacations?"

Mr. Sherwood: "You can watch me take a trip to the bank every month to sign over the alimony checks to that she-devil."

Mrs. Sherwood: "Now, choose. Who do you want to live with? Him or me?"

Jeb: *sniff*

Sport: "We choose....we choose...neither! Come on, Jeb, we got to get back to Aunt T! A demented old woman who depends on children to get her housework done is the best we can do family wise!"

Aunt T: "I'm glad you children decided to stay with Aunt T!"

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: Long Distance Call

2011-01-11T10:00:00.001-05:00

Hey, guys. I did a guest post on Monday at the Secret Society of List Addicts about Manic Pixie Dream Girls. Check it out!

Now, on with the Twilight Zone. Here's Long Distance Call.

Grandma: "Happy birthday, Billy! Make a wish. Now whisper it into Grandma's ears! She's the only one who understands you!"

Sylvia: "Shouldn't we all hear the wish?"

Grandma: "No, it's a Grandma thing. Ah, my little Billy. He has given me new life."

Billy: "Why are you crying, Grandma?"

Grandma: "I won't be here with you for very long. Soon, I will be away."

Sadako: "Can I have your cameo brooch when you're gone? Next to owls, they're the next biggest thing in jewelry."

Billy: "Where will you be, Grandma?"

Chris: "So...who wants presents?"

Sadako: "Can't we play a rousing game of Where would Grandma most like to be buried first?"

Sylvia: "Come on, Billy. Your father and I have gotten all kinds of wonderful toys. perfect for a child of the early 60s. Your very own lil Martini maker. Some tin soldiers made from good old American lead paint. And a toy rifle, fit for shootin' Injuns or battlin' Commies."

Grandma: "Billy, come. I found an old telephone. Wouldn't you rather look at Grandma's present? You can talk to me whenever you want on this phone."

Billy: "Oh boy!"

Grandma: "..."

Chris: "What is it, Mother?"

Grandma: "Heavy handed music that signals that I'm on my deathbed."

Billy: "Don't be sick, Grandma!"

Rod Serling: "As must be obvious, this is a house hovered over by Mr. Death."

Sadako: "Which would probably happen a lot less often if you switched to Nicorette for your narrations, Rod."

Rod Serling: "In a moment, a child will try to cross that bridge that separates light and shadow. And of course, he must take that only known route: the Twilight Zone."

Doctor: "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for your mother. You can see her if you like, but she won't recognize you."

Grandma: "Who are you?"

Chris: "I'm your son, Ma."

Grandma: "No. My son was taken away from me by a woman."

Mrs. Bates: "You've got to watch your kids like a hawk to make sure things like this don't happen."

Grandma: "This is my son now. Billy. Come with me, Billy. Just the two of us. Just you and..."

Billy: "Grandma!"

Chris: "Goodnight, sweet guilt tripper. May Livia Soprano and Livia Augusta sing you to your rest."

Sadako: "This makes that dreaded birthday where I got Malibu Barbie instead of Ballerina Barbie look like a walk in the park by comparison."

Sylvia: "Chris? It's Billy. I'm worried about him the last few days. He's wandering around in a daze since your mother died instead of joining me in a victory jig."

Chris: "I'm sure he'll be fine, dear."

Billy: "Yeah? Oh..."

Sylvia: "Who are you talking to on your toy phone, Billy?"

Billy: "Grandma. Can I come visit her?"

Sylvia: "..."

Sadako: "Sure, Billy. Right after your play date with Captain Howdy."

Babysitter: "Mr. and Mrs. Bayles?! Oh, thank goodness you're here."

Mr. Peterson: "While you were out at the funeral, your son ran right out into the road, right in front of my truck. When I asked him why he did it, he said someone told him to."

Sylvia: "Billy! Who are you talking to on that phone?! What's this about?!"

Billy: "Nobody!"

Sylvia: "Dammit!"

Chris: "Hmm. Better fix this. Seems I've misplaced my Dr. Spock. Uh, Billy, don't talk to Grandma in front of your mother. It freaks her out. Now that that pesky parenting's out of the way, time to join Rod for a martooni."

Billy: "What's that? Okay, Grandma. It'll be our little secret!"

Sylvia: "What the? Give me that. Oh...it's HER. Uh, where'd Billy go?"

Chris: "He's in the pond! No! Billy!"

Sylvia: *sob*

Chris: "Is he..."

Paramedic: "I'm afraid it doesn't look good. But the doctor will be here soon to give your wife a sedative. You should really keep Mother's Little Helper stocked in your medicine cabinet."

Chris: "Ma. Billy's only five. He hasn't lived. He hasn't been to school, had girlfriends, worn long pants. There's a whole world out there."

Sadako: "Just think. Billy will miss the advent of denim."

Chris: "If you really love Billy, give him back. Give him back, Ma! I know adjusting to the afterlife is hard, but try! Play Mah Jong! Join a living challenged bowling league! Become an afterlife caseworker! Just let Billy live!"

Paramedic: "I have no idea how we did it but Billy's going to be all right! It's a miracle!"

Happy 2nd Blogaversary To Me!

2011-01-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Blogaversary, Dibbly Fresh! It's been two years since I started this blog.

So, what's happened since last year?

I've branched out and started snarking movies. And I like to think my blog posts had a far reaching effect. I took Jennifer Grey out of that corner and put her into the spotlight where she belonged. (With a little help from ABC.)

I predicted how much people would love to drop the word "Winklevi" into casual conversation.

I jumped on the trend of hating Sex and the City 2 a whole five months later.

And well before Spiderman: the Musical, I reminded people just how much fun taking musicals down a peg could be--whether they be snarked because they contain dancing cats in tight costumes or the most evil Ginger child ever conceived of or dangerously high levels of John Travolta.

I'm also particularly proud of my Disney spoofs (the Little Mermaid and the Lion King in particular).

But I'm not afraid to be humble. I also learned some very important lessons this year: from Goosebumps, the Babysitters Club (old Ann M. can still teach me quite a bit!), and from the Twilight Zone.

I also learned that I'm just as entertained by Full House and Boy Meets World when their entire seasons are reduced to a single blog post.

And let's not forget my wonderful encounter with ghostwriter Peter Lerangis.

I hope to make the next year even better. Check out this past year's posts and help yourself to some sheet cake while you're here.

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: Eye of the Beholder

2011-01-04T10:05:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the long wait, folks. In honor of this past weekend's Twilight Zone-a-thon, I present: Eye of the Beholder, the first episode of the Twilight Zone that I ever saw.

Janet Tyler: "Well. Here I am. In for my final surgery that will determine whether or not I can be made to look like a normal member of society. It's pretty bad, isn't it, Nurse?"

Nurse: "I've seen worse."

Sadako: "I see this hospital actively recruits from the Nurse Ratched School of Proper Bedside Manner."

Janet Tyler: "I never really wanted to be beautiful. I never wanted to look like a painting or anything."

Sadako: "Though I'm sure Dogs Playing Poker must have cruelly taunted you every time you saw it."

Janet: "I just wanted people not to scream when they looked at me."

Nurse #2: "Have you seen patient 307?"

Nurse #1: "Indeed I have. If it were my face I'd bury myself in a grave. Want to gossip about the burn victim unit next and the slightly less cute babies in NICU?"

Rod Serling: "In a minute we'll see what's under those bandages, keeping in mind that we're not to be surprised by what we see under them. It could well be a three eyed Martian, a Crucible esque satire of Communism, the devil, or Hitler."

Doctor: "Frankly, your case has stumped us, Miss Tyler. Nothing we've done so far has helped. Shots, surgeries. Though there is the up and coming paper bag over the head technique coming in from the Middle East..."

Janet: "What happens if I haven't responded?"

Doctor: "This is your eleventh surgery. After this, you won't be permitted to have any more surgeries to make you normal. But there are alternatives. We could...just put you away somewhere."

Janet: "You mean a GHETTO!"

Doctor: "Miss Tyler, please! I worked hard on carefully crafting my euphemisms for you."

Janet: "It isn't fair! Who is the State to decide who's normal and who isn't! The State isn't GOD!"

Doctor: "Oh dear. Nurse, nurse? Bring sedatives."

Janet: "Take the bandages off! Take them off!"

Doctor: "Well, we were hoping to keep them on another couple days, maybe stretch out the suspense of this episode to an hour...but okay."

Nurse #1: "You look tired, Doctor."

Doctor: "I hadn't thought about it. I suppose I have been under some tension. Dealing with the ugly and all that. I've seen this woman's real face--her soul. It just makes me wonder if conformity is the answer."

Nurse #1: "Doctor? What are you saying?"

Doctor: "Sorry. We're barely at the twenty minute mark and I thought a long self reflective monologue was called for."

Nurse #1: "This case has upset your balance, your sense of values."

Doctor: "That, and working in a hospital where there are so many power outages."

Nurse #2: "Leader's speaking tonight. He goes on in just a few minutes. Hope it's Orwellian and not Vonnegut-esque tonight."

Sadako: "Flat-screen TVs. Well, Rod, you may not have been able to predict the future of artificial intelligence, time travel, or extraterrestrial life, but you got TV right."

Leader: "Tonight's fireside chat is on glorious conformity. As is the tradition, I'll be saving any close up or medium shots for the conclusion of my speech."

Ayn Rand: "No! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"

Doctor: "Now, Miss Tyler, time to remove the bandages and reveal whether we'll accept you as one of us or whether you get to live out your life as the modern day equivalent of a leper. I'm going to have to ask that you remain calm."

Janet: "All right."

Doctor: "No change! No change at all! She's not bulldog esque. She's barely even spaniel like in appearance!"

Janet: "No! NO!"

Doctor: "Miss Tyler! Miss Tyler! Don't be afraid. This man, Walter Smith, is here to help you. I know he seems ugly to you now but he's going to go with you to a colony of other ug--er, beautifully challenged people."

Walter: "Just keep in mind one thing, Miss Tyler. An old, very old saying. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You'll come to realize that soon."

Sadako: "Sorry, Walter, I didn't quite get the overall point of this episode. Do you think you could be a little less subtle?"

Movies in a Minute: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

2010-12-23T12:01:00.000-05:00

Hey, guys. No new posts this week, sorry--I've been taking it easy. But in honor of Xmas this weekend, check out this classic (NOT old) blog post on Home Alone 2!

Kate McCallister: "Peter, do you think we should do anything for Kevin? I feel so guilty for leaving him at home last year."

Peter McCallister: "Don't worry. I gave him my old tape recorder. He thinks it's a great new toy and it didn't cost us anything. Well, off to Florida tomorrow. Kevin, go get your tie out of the bathroom so your whole family can verbally abuse you for not reacting to Buzz's humiliation of you with gentle good humor."

Uncle Frank: "Get out of here you nosy little pervert, or stuff some singles in the shower curtain, because I'm not giving all this away for free!"

Kate: "Oh no, we slept in again!"

Kevin: "My parents are on that flight! And my boarding pass is...somewhere."

Airline Security: "Go on in. You look trustworthy."

Osama Bin Laden: "And you guys at the convention laughed at me when I came up with my grand plan. You said, no, Osama, go for the empty cornfield in Kansas. Now who's laughing, eh? Eh?"

Kevin: "I'm in New York? Oh no. I did it again. OK, time to check in at the Plaza. Credit card fraud? You got it."

Mr. Hector: "There's something not quite right about that young boy. I'm going to make it my life's mission to unmask him. Cedric, watch him like a hawk."

Kevin: "Excuse me, why were you going through my bag?"

Cedric: "I thought there might be a non demeaning movie role in there for me?"

Kevin: "Sick. An old man Marley doppleganger who's also a vector for bird flu. Well, time for shopping!"

Mr. Duncan: "My, my. Where did you get all that money?"

Kevin: "Uh. Lots of grandmothers. I'm part Mormon. So what's with this Mr. Duncan? Is this store an extension of Neverland Ranch or what?"

Mr. Duncan: "Well, you see, Mr. Duncan is a kindly old man who loves to talk about himself in the third person. He loves kids so much that every Christmas, in between serving F.A.O. Schwartz with lawsuits, he just takes the money from the cash registers and brings it to the children's hospital. Oh, take an ornament from Mr. Duncan's tree. The turtle doves are especially exquisite."

Harry: "Look who it is. A witness to last year's crime and someone who also tortured us on several occasions. Let's get involved in his life again."

Kevin: "Oh no! Marv and Harry! And I forgot to buy Marv a Hanukkah gift."

Mr. Hector: "What's the matter? Not cute enough to pass off a...stolen credit card?"

Kevin: "Angels with Filthier Souls, don't fail me now."

Johnny: "You was here. And you were smooching with my brother. You've been smooching with everyone. Cheeks. Bony Bob. Cliff."

Cliff: "It's a lie!"

Chris Columbus: "Oh, man. Is there anything that can't be made funnier by homophobia?"

Harry: "Come to Papa! We're going to waste you and then rob a toy store. Say hello to Spider for me."

Marv: "He's getting away!"

Harry: "No, he's going into pre-tidied up by Rudy Giuliani Central Park. He's a dead man."

Kevin: "Help! A rock! Aah. Oh. You're not so bad."

Bird Lady: "When I take my schizophrenia medication, I'm downright chipper."

Kevin: "So what's your deal?"

Bird Lady: "Got my heart broken, and now I can't trust in love."

Kevin: "A heart is like a pair of roller skates. Use it before you outgrow them and all your friends make fun of you for not wearing neon inline roller blades."

Bird Lady: "That's good. You got any kid friendly metaphors for my alcoholism and mental issues?"

Kate: "Excuse me. What kind of idiots do you have working here?"

Mr. Hector: "Well, Cousin Itt's wife isn't the brightest, but ever since he stopped paying alimony, she's got no choice. And don't be hard on Cedric--he's not much of a bellboy. His main field of expertise is in making the copies."

Kevin: "Hey Marv and Harry? Don't mess with kids on Christmas."

Bird Lady: "And take that. Bird seed."

Kevin: "Awesome, all the loose plot points have been wrapped up before my family got here."

Buzz: "Kevin, you've taught all us a valuable lesson. Lie your way into the Plaza and then make them give you a huge suite in exchange for not suing anyone."

Kevin: "Bird Lady, here. It's a turtle dove. You keep one and I'll take the other and we'll remember each other."

Bird Lady: "Great. I'll hang it on the bird feces encrusted pine tree I call home."

Peter McAllister: "Kevin? YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE THAT I HAVE TO PAY FOR ON TOP OF UNCLE FRANK'S PLANE TICKET, ALL NATURAL AIRLINE PEANUTS, AND PAIN AND SUFFERING SETTLEMENT FOR HAVING BEEN SEEN NAKED BY YOU IN THE SHOWER?"

Glad you guys enjoyed the last Home Alone post, and hope you enjoyed this one, too. As always feel free to let me know if there are any other recaps that have to happen on this blog.

Movies in a Minute: Interview with the Vampire

2010-12-16T06:30:00.001-05:00

Louis: "I am a tragically beautiful vampire. You want me to tell you my life story?"

Daniel Malloy: "That's what I do for a living. I interview people. On the radio. I'm thinking I can parlay my interview with you into making myself into a Howard Stern meets Elvira persona."

Louis: "Shall we begin like David Copperfield? I am born, I grew up? Or, instead, shall we find a convenient way of reducing this film to about two hours by instead beginning with the year I was born to darkness? I was deeply depressed because of the death of my wife and son in childbirth. And then a vampire came to me, and..."

Malloy: "Bit your neck and turned you into a vampire?"

Louis: "Like Charlotte on season one of Sex and the City referring to copulation as "lovemaking," we prefer to call vampirism the dark gift."

Lestat: "I'm going to give you the choice I never had. Want the marble coffin or the onyx? Now, Louis. You must feed!"

Louis: "Oh. Uh. Er. Got any TruBlood?"

Lestat: "Wuss."

Louis: "I longed to know more, learn about my vampire heritage. But Lestat didn't want to indulge in my angst. I thought of leaving him, but Lestat, like an undead Kato Kaelin, liked hanging around and feeding off my wealth. So after I fed off a little girl, he turned her into a vampire so I wouldn't leave."

Claudia: "I'm hungry! Please sir, I want some more."

Lestat: "Look, Louis! Claudia. Our own little vampire daughter. We're one big happy family."

Sadako: "How is the Christian right rioting over poor Tango and not saying boo about this?"

Louis: "To me, Claudia was a child. A child with whom I spooned nightly in a coffin."

Michael Jackson: "What a glowing testament to fatherhood!"

Louis: "But to Lestat, she was a prodigy, a cold blooded killer. And to Hollywood, she was the prototype for Hit Girl, Let the Right One In, Ringu, and hundreds of other evil little girl movies. But thirty years had passed and Claudia still had the body of a child. Her eyes alone told the hidden story..."

Claudia: "I'll never go through puberty! I'll never become sexy! I'll never be able to dance about in 19th century garb with my cleavage on display! I want more! I want the chance to star in a slow paced period piece with a bustle and corset that emphasizes my womanly physique!"

Sofia Coppola: "Just wait a few more years..."

Claudia: "You did this to us! You! Let's kill Lestat! Here, Lestat, I brought you two little boys drunk on brandywine. Feast!"

Lestat: "Mmm. I love the taste of offending middlebrow America..."

Claudia: "Psych. They were already dead. And now you will be, too!"

Lestat: "Noo...."

Louis: "Claudia, I don't know about this..."

Cesar Milan: "Rules, boundaries, and limitations!"

Claudia: "Let's dump Lestat in the swamp. Now we can go to Paris and learn about our vampire heritage!"

Lestat: "I'm back! I feasted on reptile blood in the swamp!"

Sadako: "Suddenly Nicole's prosthetic nose in The Hours seems a lot less brave..."

Louis: "He's hideous. New plan. Let's burn him alive, run screaming into the night, and then go learn about our vampire heritage."

Claudia: "Isn't Paris wonderful, Louis?"

Louis: "But no vampires were to be found in the Old World, no matter how hard I looked. And so it was when I gave up my search for another vampire that one finally found me."

Patti Stanger: "It's like I always say. Even the undead can smell desperation a mile away."

Armand: "Hello. Take my, how you say? Ah, yes. Card. Come to Theatre des Vampire. Bring the little one, too. We put on plays where we kill and feast upon the living for a human audience. We like to think we're pioneering reality theatre."

Louis: "Can you tell me more about our heritage and what it really means to be a vampire? And could you possibly cast off my human name, Louis, and give me a more fitting vampire name? There's no way Ann's going to write a human sequel called The Vampire Louis."

Armand: "If by all that you mean ogle you and smile suggestively...then...yes. Oh, and by the way, I know the plot is getting dull again, so it's against our code to kill another vampire, and we know about Lestat. How, you ask? We can read minds."

Claudia: "You would leave me for Armand if he beckoned you!"

Louis: "I would never leave you. And if I did, I'd be extra angsty about it."

Other Vampires: "You killed Lestat! Preapre to die! The little one will be left outside to scorch in the sun, and you will be locked in a box for all eternity just in time for Armand to save you."

Louis: "Claudia! No!"

Armand: "Sorry about Claudia. You want to come upstairs and look at my, how you say? Ah yes. Etchings?"

Louis: "That night, I took my revenge. I set fire to the vampire lair. When I was finished, all but Armand were dead. Also, I had established my reputation as the Uncle Tom of vampires."

Armand: "Come. Stay with me. You are perfection. The embodiment of our tragic century! I will teach you to be...how you say? Ah yes...without regret."

Louis: "No. All I have is my suffering. My regret. And a homosexual vampire relationship just doesn't have the shocking social stigma as a relationship with a seven year old girl vampire. Sorry."

Armand: "How you say? Ah yes. Good bye, Louis."

Louis: "I went back to New Orleans. Things changed. Then it became the new century, and I got to go to movies to be exposed to things that I couldn't experience as a vampire, like sunrises and non-stilted conversation. I'm debating buying a Betamax. Oh, and I saw Lestat again."

Malloy: "But...how...?"

Sadako: "Enough Louis/Lestat fanfic writers slit their wrists and said they do believe?"

Lestat: "Louis! Stay with me, don't leave me! I can't bear the new world. All these lights. And the price of frozen blood. Oh, Louis, you're as beautiful and enchanting as ever."

Louis: "Well, that's it."

Malloy: "Brilliant! Now make me a vampire, too! I want to be your companion of the night, like Lestat and Armand."

Louis: "Silly boy. I'm out of your league. Now go start a Weezer tribute band and get these thoughts of vampires out of your head."

Malloy: "Back to playing Magic the Gathering and crying. Holy crap, another vampire!"

Lestat: "For no real remotely logical or plausible reason at all other other than the fact that I'm Ann Rice's Mary Sue, hereeee's Lestat. I'm going to give you the choice I never had."

Movies in a Minute: Sex and the City 2

2010-12-13T11:30:00.010-05:00

Carrie: "Time for Stanford and Anthony's wedding!"

Charlotte: "My gay male accessory is marrying her gay male accessory."

Carrie: "And there are gonna be swans, show tunes, Liza Minnelli officiating, and everything else we could find in Fred Phelps' big book of nightmares."

Anthony: "Stanford. When we first met, it was hate at first sight. But since then, Michael Patrick King refused to write any more gay male characters, so it was you or that walk on extra from the Bitchy Bingo episode."

Charlotte: "Aw. Gay people can be so sweet!"

Liza Minnelli: "All the single ladies! All the single ladies!"

Sadako: "Between this and what happened to Brook Astor, someone needs to create an Association for the Exploitation of Rich Old Lady Icons."

Mr. Big: "Carrie, I bought you a big screen TV for our anniversary. I was thinking we could stay in and watch a timeless black and white movie. I picked up some food from the new Japanese place on Madison."

Carrie: "How could you?! Get thee behind me, take out containers! I'm going to my old apartment to write."

Mr. Big: "That was nice. Why don't we take two days off every week since it worked out so well last time."

Carrie: "I'm the only one allowed to have diva like demands! How could you even ask me that?!"

Mr. Big: "I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time being boorish enough to create enough conflict for a feature length film, but not so obnoxious the audience won't cheer when we sail off into marital bliss at the end."

Charlotte: "I hate my life! The baby I've wanted for years cries. The cute adopted Asian kid who represents how open minded and progressive I am doesn't understand how not to get cupcake icing on my outfit..."

Charlotte: "...And my Irish nanny doesn't have the good grace to be dumpy and middle aged."

Miranda: "Well, I've got to try to balance my hectic work life and my family obligations. Again."

Samantha: "An Arabian sheik has invited us on an all expenses paid trip to Abu Dhabi! The SATC girls are going to the UAE!"

Michael Patrick King: "Insert the Emirates Airline promotional information. And someone make a sheik/chic pun before the plane lands!"

Butler Guarau: "Hello, miss. I'll be your butler and the reminder to the audience that you still know how to connect with the little people."

Carrie: "Nice!"

Aiden: "Carrie? It's me!"

Carrie: "What are you doing here?"

Aiden: "Baryshnikov wouldn't come back and Ron Livingston's shooting Dinner for Schmucks. Let's have dinner."

Carrie: "I got a bad review of my book in the New Yorker."

Samantha: "Screw that. Men are just threatened every time we show we have a voice. Just like the women here in their burqas."

Miranda: "Or my asshole boss who never let me finish a sentence."

Carrie: "Guarau, marriage is so hard, isn't it?"

Guarau: "I only see my wife once every three months when I scrape up enough of my wages to go back to India."

Carrie: "It must be so meaningful when you do see each other! I guess my marriage is in good shape! Okay, now do you have a mystical, Eastern flavored way of making Big's unwillingness to spoon in bed seem justified?"

Charlotte: "It's really hard being a mom."

Miranda: "Definitely. There's a lot we have to sacrifice. Work. Luncheons with the girls. Vacation with the girls limited to only once every two years."

Charlotte: "How do the women without help do it?!"

Miranda: "To the women who do it without help! Assuming they didn't give themselves an injury eye rolling when you had a panic attack after your daughter smeared icing on your Valentino skirt."

Aiden: "Carrie, you look amazing." *smooch*

Carrie: "No...this is a mistake."

Adrian Monk: "Wait, are you sure you can't sleep with him? The way you slept with Mr. Big when you dated Aiden? It'll make it even. Trust me. You'll thank me later."

Rikard Spurt: "I love the Middle East. Whenever I come here, everything's so covered up and there are so many sexual taboos, that it's so much more erotic."

Sadako: "For a fraction of the price, you could go to an FLDS compound in Utah."

Samantha: "Speaking of getting turned on..."

Carrie: "Miranda, Samantha's been arrested! Conservative Abu Dhabi just doesn't understand our needs and wants."

Miranda: "For god's sake, how many times do we have to sing I Am Woman before you men understand?"

Samantha: "Great, our free hotel service just ended. Ugh! New Middle East my ass! I'm beginning to see just why Garfield threatening to send Nermal here was such a big deal. We're out of here."

Carrie: "I lost my passport! We've got to go to the market and get to the airport in time so we can still fly first class!"

Strange Middle Eastern Man: "Would you like to step into my seedy backroom to buy a Rolex?"

Charlotte: "Okay!"

Samantha: "I HAVE SEX!"

Carrie: "We're in trouble, and I don't see any street urchins voiced by Scott Weinger with anthropomorphic monkeys to save us."

Middle Eastern Woman #1: "In here! We're going to help you!"

Middle Eastern Woman #2: "Also, look! Underneath our hijabs and burqas, we Arab women are just as subject to the male gaze as you New Yorkers!"

Middle Eastern Woman #1: "Now put on these burqas and you can escape!"

Carrie: "But how to get a cab to the airport? I know! I'll make like Claudette Colbert did in It Happened One Night and lift the hem of my burqa to flash some leg!"

Jasmine: "Come on. Really? I was pretty naive shopping for apples my first time alone in the marketplace at Agrabah and even I handled myself better than you guys."

Carrie: "Back in New York, Mr. Big didn't even pick me up at the airport after I told him I kissed my ex boyfriend."

Mr. Big: "Hi."

Carrie: "Where were you?!"

Mr. Big: "As a punishment for what you did, I'm not getting you any jewelry that evokes Breakfast at Tiffany's or old New York. Instead, you get a plain black diamond."

Carrie: "Black? Because it's the color of my soul?"

Mr. Big: "No, because De Beers accidentally ordered a few hundred black diamonds in stock that they really need to make move this summer."

Carrie: "As for the rest of the gang, Miranda got a new, empowering job, Samantha continues her lonely role as the sole SATC girl who exemplifies living life as a gay man in the body of a woman, and Charlotte found out that her hot nanny, apparently out on loan from the set of Friends, prefers other hot nannies."

Lessons I Learned from the Babysitters Club, Part II

2010-12-09T11:30:00.001-05:00

Part II of what I learned from the BSC!

Kristy and the Baby Parade

Synopsis: The town of Stoneybrook holds a baby parade. The girls decide on a theme and borrow some babies. But when they start fighting, will they ruin their chances of winning?

Lessons learned: I like to think that you can tell a lot about the personality of kids from what they buy. The BSC fans looking over their Scholastic book lists and begging for this one instead of, say, Stacey's Lie or Dawn's Big Date are the ones you have to worry about. (Another good test? If they were more interested in saving their money to buy an exquisite Ann M. Martin approved tea cozy instead of Goosebumps pogs and Creepy Crawlers.)

Welcome to the BSC, Abby

Synopsis: The BSC has a new member! Meet Abby Stevenson. She's Jewish, has long curly hair, plays soccer, tells a barrage of nonstop corny jokes, and suffers from asthma.

Lessons learned: Ann M. managed to cram in two Asian stereotypes (Asian airhead for Claudia and super smart Asian for Janine), the cliche of jock girls not being into boys or makeup, the California blonde one, and a few others. Should I really be all that surprised that the token Jewish girl is Woody Allen lite?

Kristy and the Copycat

Synopsis: Kristy joins the softball team at school but finds herself under pressure to do things she knows are wrong as part of the hazing process.

Lessons Learned: Based on the actual plot of this book (which has little to do with Karen's copying Kristy), I think Ann M. was outsourcing more than just the actual writing of this book. If we raided Scholastic's corporation in Korea, would we find pale, emaciated writers chained to desks, coming up with tag lines and titles to books they've never actually read?

Get Well Soon, Mallory

Synopsis: Mallory hasn't been feeling well for a while. Turns out she has mono!

Lessons Learned: Between Mallory's mono, Stacey's diabetes, Shea's dyslexia and Abby and Anna's various ailments, little Stephie's asthma, I blame the BSC for my hypochondria. This series was worse than a year in med school when it came to inspiring fear of development diseases.

Kristy in Charge

Synopsis: The kids at SMS are given a chance to teach a class for a week as part of the Short Takes program. Kristy has the opportunity to teach 7th grade P.E. but has to deal with the annoying Cary Reitlin.

Between this and Stacey and the Mystery at the Mall, apparently, education, experience, and certification aren't huge components of becoming an educator. I'm also starting to realize why Ann M.'s autobiography glossed over the section where she worked as a teacher.

Kristy + Bart = ?

Synopsis: Kristy's always described Bart as her sort of boyfriend. But they've never had the same commitment as Mary Anne and Logan. Does Kristy want a real relationship with Bart?

Lessons Learned: Dating, relationship, and guys are confusing for most teen girls. And the best way of conveying that confusion isn't through metaphors and interesting prose: it's through the question mark.

Claudia, Queen of the Seventh Grade

Synopsis: Claudia was bumped back from 8th to 7th grade a few books ago. She makes the best of things and may even be elected Queen of the Seventh Grade as part of the SMS class games.

Lessons Learned: Ann M, you're a closet Priscilla, Queen of the Desert fan, aren't you? You can admit it. I won't tell anyone.

Dawn and Whitney, Friends Forever

Synopsis: While in California for a few months, Dawn meets a 12 year old girl named Whitney who has Down Syndrome. Whitney's parents ask Dawn if she'll sit for Whitney, who can't be left alone for long, but without telling Whitney (who thinks she's too old for a babysitter). When Whitney finds out Dawn's being paid to spend time with her, she's hurt. Later, when Dawn is sitting for some other kids, they disappear...but later are found at a carnival with Whitney who was trying to prove her responsibility. Later on, the We Love Kids club makes Whitney an honorary member.

Lessons Learned: The mentally challenged should be treated like everyone else. Except when they engage in light kidnapping, we don't sound the Amber Alert--instead, we treat them to hugs and societal approval.

Super Special: California Girls!

Synopsis: The BSC girls come into some money and spend it on a trip to California where they stay with Dawn's father.

Lessons Learned: Somebody out there at Scholastic has to tell Ann M. that there's more to the Beach Boys than California Girls references. Please. Someone stuff Pet Sounds in her stocking this year along with kitten pincushion. Also, considering all the California Girls references, Ann M. and Scholastic should feel grateful Brian Wilson was too busy mainlining birthday cakes (and making the odd Full House guest appearance) in the 80s and early 90s to get too litigious.

Lessons I Learned from the Babysitters Club, Part I

2010-12-06T07:50:00.003-05:00

I've told you guys all the important things I learned from Goosebumps and The Twilight Zone. Now, I'm tackling the BSC!

Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls

Synopsis: Something scary is going on in Stoneybrook. A criminal is robbing houses but considerately calling to make sure that no one's home when he comes over. The girls panic--what if the Phantom Phone Caller strikes when they're babysitting?

Lessons Learned: You can tell that Scholastic really cared about putting in back when these books came out. Even though BSC mania hadn't yet hit America, whoever came up with this title managed an alliteration even with the "ph" prefix to both words. Kudos to you, phantom book title writer!

The Truth About Stacey

Synopsis: Stacey (still) has diabetes but her parents are having a hard time dealing with it. Also, the BSC gets some competition.

Lessons Learned: Since Ann M. already told us that Stacey had diabetes in book one, there's not much "truth" to be revealed in this book. I think this is what's known as tipping your hand too soon. That also explains why Ellen, Suzanne, Peter and the other ghostwriters are always so eager for Ann M. to take part in the weekly Scholastic poker game.

Mary Anne Saves the Day

Synopsis: Mary Anne's father is overprotective of her: she can't stay out as late to babysit as her friends, she has to wear her hair in pigtails, and she can't even pick out her own clothes or decorate her room. But when Mary Anne shows she's matured, her father finally decides to give her the freedom she's been wanting for so long.

Lessons Learned: Much like Warren Jeffs of the FLDS, Richard Spier knew that the secret to keeping a woman oppressed lay in ensuring that she wore a humiliatingly out of place hairdo. After Mary Anne gained control over her hair, it was all over: boyfriends and the freedom to adorn her bedroom walls with all the cute kitten pictures she could lay her hands on.

Jessi's Babysitter

Synopsis: Jessi's mother decides to go back to work so Jessi's overbearing Aunt Cecilia moves in to help out. Will Jessi and Becca be able to cope?

Lessons Learned: The tagline for the book is Jessi doesn't need a babysitter--she is one! Apparently, Liesel Von Trapp steered me wrong when she haughtily informed Maria that at sixteen she did not require a governess. In actuality, it was thirteen year old Brigitta and twelve year old Kurt who should have been the most offended.

Stacey's Emergency

Synopsis: Stacey isn't feeling well. Is it her diabetes?

Lessons Learned: If things don't go well with this Scholastic gig, illustrator Hodges Soileau could do great things in the advertising sphere specializing in products for the stressed out working mom on the go.

Welcome Back, Stacey!

Synopsis: Stacey's parents get a divorce. Her mother decides to return to Stoneybrook, and Stacey has to choose which parent she wants to live with. This book sets up the big question: will she return to Stoneybrook--and the BSC?

Lessons Learned: The good people at Scholastic may have had the art of L33t speak down well before the Internet came along. (Mary Anne + 2 Many Babies? Kristy + Bart = ? Truly ahead of their time!) But they really needed to work on their sense of suspense.

Keep Out, Claudia!

Synopsis: Claudia babysits for a new family. The children's mother dislikes Claudia but seems to like most of the other sitters. The BSC soon suspects that their new clients are racist.

Lessons Learned: For all her love of adolescents with blonde hair and blue eyes, deep down, I think Ann M. never much cared for Flowers in the Attic. I like to think that this book, in which a bunch of Dollanganger dopplegangers exhibit bigotry, is her little V.C. Andrews send up.

Mallory Hates Boys (and Gym)

Synopsis: Mallory hates boys. And gym. No false advertising here, folks.

Lessons Learned: Scholastic's mastery of punctuation leaves something to be desired. Sorry, Scholastic. Putting in a parenthetical phrase doesn't make this title cute or whimsical. Now, consider a strike through or an exclamation mark, and this might become a little more marketable.

Lessons I Learned From the Twilight Zone, Part II

2010-12-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

Part II of what I learned from watching the Twilight Zone.

Night of the Meek

Synopsis: An out of work department store Santa with a drinking problem finds a magical sack that lets him give presents to children. He eventually transforms into the real Santa Claus.

Lessons Learned: Your children are writing letters and setting out cookies for an underemployed alcoholic.

Stopover in a Quiet Town

Synopsis: After drinking and driving, a married couple wakes up in a strange house. In an odd twist, it's revealed that the town they find themselves in is nothing more than a toy for a gigantic alien girl.

Lessons Learned: Rod Serling should have been writing anti-drug afterschool specials. This was a lot better than some of the actual anti drug episodes I've seen. The idea of drinking and then waking up in a scary town is a lot more frightening than the prospect of having Winnie the Pooh, the Ninja Turtles, and the Chipmunks disapprovingly wonder what's to become of me.

I Dream of Genie

Synopsis: A man is given the chance at one wish by a genie. He considers several ideas but decides he's cut out for customer service as he wishes to become a genie so he can spend his whole life helping people.

Lessons Learned: The good people at Disney had this episode in their list of things to rip off when they were writing Aladdin, didn't they? (Right under Kimba the White Lion.) Apparently, the most horrifying thing Michael Eisner could imagine for the villain Jafar was a future of making life easier for others.

The Eye of the Beholder

Synopsis: In the future, ugliness is banned. Deformed outcasts are forced to submit to plastic surgery until they conform. A woman covered in bandages is waiting to see the results of her last plastic surgery operation (the twist being, of course, that she's a conventionally attractive woman by today's standards in a world of strange pig faced people).

Lessons Learned: To paraphrase both the Beastie Boys and Scott Westerfeld (author of the Uglies series), you gotta fight for your right to be ugly.

Number 12 Looks Just Like You

Synopsis: Once again, it's the future, and it has become compulsory to undergo medical surgery to become beautiful. A headstrong young girl tries to turn down the procedure.

Lessons Learned: Much like the flying car, one of the things movie and TV show producers from the past assumed would happen today is compulsive beauty. As I go about every day tasks, I wonder where the beautiful people are that I was promised. (Also, Marty McFly's self drying jacket.)

I Sing the Body Electric

Synopsis: A widower with three children finds a factory that specializes in custom built robots. The robot grandmother they create serves the children until they mature, whereupon she is sent back to the factory to be disassembled until she is needed by another family.

Lessons Learned: Between this and the pro assisted suicide grandma of Long Distance Call, I'm not sure I want to know what Rod Serling's relationship with his grandmother was like. Also, this robot grandmother would have been the perfect person to give Number 5 of Short Circuit a pep talk on why being "DISASSEMBLED?!" wouldn't be so bad.

Nick of Time

Synopsis: A newlywed couple stops in a town to get their car repaired. The man, played by William Shatner, believes that the fortune teller game they find in a diner actually can predict the future and starts to obsessively base his life decisions on the device.

Lessons Learned: So that's what people did back in the day before there were FarmVille crops to be harvested and important Perez Hilton messages to retweet.

The Bewitchin' Pool

Synopsis: A young girl and boy named Sport and Jeb take refugee from their arguing parents by finding a secret world on the other side of their swimming pool. Many unhappy children have fled to this world. Here, the only grown up is an elderly woman named Aunt T, who puts the children to work doing good, wholesome chores. When Sport and Jeb's parents announce they'll be divorcing and that the children will have to choose who to live with, they finally escape to Aunt T's world for good.

Lessons Learned: Divorce is a phenomenon so evil and unnatural that it drives children to voluntarily spend all eternity doing chores for a woman who looks suspiciously like the prototype for Mom's Friendly Robot Oil Company.

Lessons I Learned From the Twilight Zone, Part I

2010-11-29T10:52:00.004-05:00

In the spirit of the post on what I learned from reading Goosebumps, I decided to do a post on what I learned from watching everyone's favorite creepy old TV show, the Twilight Zone.

To Serve Man

Synopsis: Aliens come down to earth offering humans all kinds of wonderful gifts. The earthlings are unsure of whether or not to trust them. They decide to translate a book the aliens leave behind called To Serve Man. To their horror, it's a cookbook.

Lessons Learned: Aliens are evil. Don't trust them when they offer the human species gifts. There's probably a horrible twist.

The Gift

Synopsis: An alien comes down to a small town offering a gift. Distrusting him, the townspeople slaughter him, whereupon it's revealed that his gift is a cure for all diseases.

Lessons Learned: ...Except for when they're good. No, you can't win.

Purple Testament

Synopsis: A WWII soldier finds he can predict death by seeing a flash of light on the faces of doomed men.

Lessons Learned: Apparently Angelica Huston died soon after the Addams Family franchise finished up.

Long Distance Call

Synopsis: A little boy's grandmother gives him a toy telephone before she passes away. After she dies, she's able to contact him on the phone and asks him to join him. Soon, the little boy tries to end his own life in order to be with his grandmother. The boy's father pleads with the grandmother (his mother) over the phone to let the boy live his own life.

Lessons Learned: Yes, Sadako, there is a more overbearing fictional mother out there than Mrs. Costanza.

A Nice Place to Visit

Synopsis: A crook named Rocky Valentine dies and wakes up in a world beyond his wildest dreams where he's rich, can gamble nonstop, and has beautiful women who are attracted to him. It turns out that the afterlife is a bit too good to be true, though. Growing bored of a world where there's no possibility of anything bad ever happening, Rocky begs to be taken to the other place (i.e., Hell), only to be told that he's already there.

Lessons Learned: Be good, boys and girls, or you'll have to gamble nonstop with beautiful women. Compared to Dante's Inferno, it's pretty tame. Then again, Rod Serling's depiction of Hell is a lot closer to the obligatory visit to Atlantic City that the Real Housewives of NJ go on every season. Rod Serling may know more about Hell than Dante and Virgil ever did.

The Howling Man

Synopsis: A group of monks finds the devil and put him in a room locked with a staff, but a visitor is soon talked into letting him out.

Lessons Learned: The devil can hold his own in fiddle contests, induce pea soup vomiting, and still find time to head up the law firm of Milton, Chadwick & Waters. Yet in the face of a simple staff, he's as helpless as an infant in a playpen. (Actually, more helpless if said infant is starring in an animated TV show on the Nickelodeon network.)

It's a Good Life

Synopsis: Welcome to a world where a six year old boy named Anthony has the power to read minds and to create anything. At the end, little Anthony transforms a man trying to stop him into a jack in the box.

Lessons Learned: Back in the day, the worst thing that living in a 6 year old's paradise entailed watching dinosaurs fight on TV instead of Ozzie and Harriet and getting turned into a jack in the box. Irritating, yes, but we live in a day and age when your average kid gets exposed to creepier things than a jack in the box. Furbies. Bratz dolls. Tickle me Elmo. Billy Mumy's world was creepy to be sure, but I don't want to imagine what would happen if this episode got remade.

Movies in a Minute: Home Alone

2010-11-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's Thanksgiving, and you know what that means. Non-stop Xmas programming! In honor of that, I'm re-posting my Home Alone recap. Happy happy turkey day, everyone.

Kevin: "Did anyone order me a plain, tomato free, no-fat non-dairy cheese pizza?"

Buzz: "Yeah, we did, but if you want any, someone's gonna have to pull a Tracy Gold."

Kevin: "AAAAAAAAAH!"

All: "KEVIN!"

Jeff: "Kevin, I wish Mom remembered to take her birth control pill the night you were conceived."

Kate McCallister: "There are fifteen people in this house, and you're the only one who expects me to parent."

Uncle Frank: "Look what you did, you little hemorrhoid on the ass of America."

Kevin: "I hope I never see any of you jerks again! Whoa. I made my family disappear?"

Kevin: "I made my family disappear. No more bespectacled Kieran trying to go All About Eve on me!"

Kevin: "Buzz, your girlfriend, yuch. Hey Buzz, I'm going through your stuff. Better come out and pound me. Mom? Dad? I'm eating junk. Better come out and stop me. James Cagney? I'm watching an obvious rip off of Angels with Dirty Faces, better come out and sue me!"

Kate: "KEVIN! Am I a terrible mother?"

Uncle Frank: "Well, we were thinking of getting you the Susan Smith Parenting Award of the Year."

Aunt Leslie: "Frank! Use a sotto voce until we're sure they're paying for our return tickets."

Kevin: "Excuse me, is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?"

Cashier: "Son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son? That's a loss of almost two dollars for us. Son! Jimmy, that boy looks frightened. Hunt him down like a dog!"

Cop: "Hmm, chasing a scared eight year old or looking for the shabbily dressed guys driving around the gated community in the huge van? Eight year old."

Marv: "Can we be the wet bandits?"

Harry: "Shut up, Marv. Grab your crowbar and get into the child molester van. We've got about eight more pieces of accessories that scream: CRIMINAL to collect before we can start robbing this rich enclave at nine o'clock tonight."

Old Man Marley: "Hello. You know any time you see me, you can say hello. A lot of stuff has been said about me. None of it's true."

Kevin: "Really?"

Old Man Marley: "Well...maybe the stuff about my obsessive crush on Jessica Fletcher. But really, I'm just a lonely old man who misses his granddaughter. I got into a fight with my son and I'm afraid if I go back he'll throw me and my La-Z-Boy out on our asses."

Kevin: "When these guys come back, I'll be waiting. This is my house. I have to defend it. Let's see. Ice on the stairs. Humiliating chicken feathers. Blow torch to the head. And an iron maiden made from my Lego bricks."

Karl Rove: "Hey kid? When you grow up, if you don't have plans, can you come work for us? We'd love to see what you can do for us at Guantanamo."

Marv: "Harry, where's your gold tooth?"

Harry: "Are you frigging fragging kidding me--I stole that tooth off Billy Batts before we buried his body and then reburied it. That kid's ruined the greatest hits of the Shangri-Las for me!"

Marv: (narrating Wonder Year style) "Looking at myself in the mirror, covered in chicken feathers, facing a long term back injury, with possible tetanus...it was then that I realized...(aloud): I'M GONNA KILL THIS KID!"

Harry: "First, I'm going to start by biting off every single little finger."

Old Man Marley: "Let's get you home, Kevin. Maybe we should talk to your parents about getting you into therapy after that creepy near finger biting incident. Looks like your folks aren't home. Maybe we should contact the authorities."

Kevin: "Sir. I'm eight years old. I'm barely able to brush my own hair without creating an adorably tousled cowlick. Do I look old enough to be home alone? My parents are here. They're just slightly off camera."

Old Man Marley: "Oh. Okay. See you later. Have a great Christmas."

Sadako: "Marley, I'm no connoisseuse of the child neglect laws, but I'm starting to realize why your son won't let you see your granddaughter."

Bing Crosby: "Have yourself a merry little Christmas...What movie did they dig me up to sing in this time? A Chris Columbus, really? They couldn't get me a murdering Santa slasher?"

Kate: "Kevin? I had to sit through sixteen hours of John Candy but I'm here. I'm so sorry. I'll never forget to feed you or clothe you or change your woodchips again, little guy."

Kevin: "Mom! Where are the others?"

Kate: "Eating frog legs nuggets at Charles DeGaulle."

Family: "We're home! And we left Uncle Frank back in Paris wandering around the Babar store."

Buzz: "Kevin? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE PICTURE OF MY GENDER NON SPECIFIC SIGNIFICANT OTHER!"

Movies in a Minute: Jurassic Park II: The Lost World

2010-11-22T12:00:00.001-05:00

Hey, you guys. I know I posted the Lost World before, but I've re-edited it so I'm happier with it. Expect some totally brand new posts after Thanksgiving break.

John Hammond: "I'm a conservationist now. I've sent your beloved paleontologist girlfriend off to Isla Sorna to scout all the lovely dinosaurs. And I knew you'd go after her. Isn't that delightful?"

Ian: "You're lucky you're so damned cute."

John: "You'd better hurry. My nephew Peter Ludlow, the new head of InGen, is planning on making a tacky dinosaur amusement park. And he won't even give me half an acre for my performing fleas. Go and stop him."

Kelly: "Dad, can I go with you, Dad? Dad?"

Ian Malcolm: "No. Sarah? SARAH?"

Nick Van Owen: "Sarah Harding?"

Ian: "How many Sarahs do you think are on this island?"

Cera: "Does anyone know how to get to the Great Valley?"

Sarah: "Don't leave anything on this island! Cigarette butts, candy bar wrappers, resentment of Mother Earth--

Sarah: " ...Aww, cute! I think my uterus just skipped a beat. Oops, the camera's out of control--I can't fix it because my ovaries are in the way..."

Baby: "Halp! Mom! She's trying to steal my soul!"

Ian: "Shoot them!"

Sarah: "Help, I need guns and tampons and chauvinism and some Cherry Garcia!"

Feminism: "Could someone loan me a pair of crutches?"

Sarah: "Anyway, as I was saying, we're here to observe, not interact. Anything we do could have lasting repercussions. Not even a single candy wrapper can sully the island."

Kelly: "Uh, hi, Daddy. I sort of stowed aboard."

Ian: "I'm not mad at you, Kelly. I'm FURIOUS."

Sarah: "She's a woman, Ian, not a child. I'm so tired of you treating us women like we're brainless, hysterical little damsels in distress. Anyway, Ian, this is really your own fault. You filled our heads with stories of this place. Did you really think we had the self control to stay away? Sorry, I love you but I don't need you right now. I'm off to finish my dissertation on baby dinosaurs."

Peter Ludlow: "We're here to take the dinosaurs."

Dieter Stark: "Look at it. It's like he's not even afraid."

Hippie Beardo: "They've got no reason to fear man."

Dieter: *taser* "They do now."

Sadako: "Dieter? This is a Spielberg film and you just 86ed an animal. You do know your chances of making it out alive are less than your chances were of actually getting Steve Buscemi through that woodchipper back in North Dakota, yes?"

Roland: "I've set up base camp. You can keep my fee, you corporate wanker. All I want is the right to hunt the Rex. Look, Ajay. The Rex young. With offspring that young, the parents won't leave him alone that long. We can use the baby to get him where we want him to go."

Sarah: "Or her. Female Rexes are just as worthy of capture!"

Rex Baby: "HALP!"

All: "Poor animals."

Nick: "John Hammond did send a back up plan. Me."

Sarah: "So...your plan?"

Nick: "Star in as many crappy features as possible until Will Ferrell realizes I'm the greatest thing since Spam in a Can. Oh, and free the dinosaurs that they penned up!"

Nick: "Well, we've destroyed all of INGEN's evil corporate radios and phones by unleashing a dinosaur stampede. But we've still got the expensive trailers we came with to dispense with. Time for operation save cute baby! Come on, baby Rex."

Sarah: "Oh, come here, you. Let's fix that leg."

Sadako: "Nick. The bad news? This isn't going to end well. The good news is that if you make it out of here alive, the good people at Whale Wars have a mid level stinky butter hurling position to offer you."

Ian: "Why does no one listen to me?"

Rex: "Give us the baby. No one gets hurt."

Ian: "That should make an interesting chapter in your book."

Sarah: "I think the debate over the parental instincts of the T-Rex is now academic. Now, the only question is what to put on the cover. Baby Long Neck or Baby Three Horn?"

Rex: "...Psych. We're back. A dinosaur's story of revenge. Come on, honey, help me push the RVs over the side."

All: "HALP!"

Eddie Carr: "Eddie to the rescue!"

Spielberg: "Great. Rexes, start yanking him apart."

Eddie: "Wait, wait. I operated according to the rules of the Spielberg-a-verse. I saved the heroes. I allied with the Greenpeace guys. I don't have a law degree. I didn't steal embryos, and I didn't shoot the cute herbivorous stegs when they were attacking Sarah Harding because they were just defending their baby. I didn't even fantasize about Sarah in nothing but a smile and a flak jacket."

Spielberg: "You saw the first film, you balding, overweight tech geek. You know the rules. I really don't think this is quite the film for a man of your...carriage. If you go quietly, I'll leave twenty pounds of free gummy dinosaurs in your trailer."

*Trailers fall off the cliff and explode*

George Lucas: "Steve, was that as good for you as it was for me?"

Roland: "I know you. You're that Earth First bastard. Thanks to your eco terrorism, we're stranded here."

Nick: "Well, thanks to me we're also one step closer to Dinotopia."

Hippie Beardo: "Let's keep going. We'll lose the Rex when we leave its territory."

Sarah: "You're wrong. T-Rex has the largest nasal cavity of any animal with the exception of one. Now hand me my blood covered vest and let's get on with it."

Roland: "Are you injured? Your jacket...it's covered in blood."

Sarah: "And it's torn, from caring for the baby Rex--I think the blood gives it that little something extra, doncha think?"

Dieter: "Aaah!"

Sadako: "Told you. Be nice to little animals when you're co-starring in a film that is PETA's wet dream."

Everyone: "Dino attack!"

Roland: "Now to take down the male Rex. Damn, where are my bullets?"

Nick: "Replaced by yours truly."

Spielberg: "My man! With what? Walkie talkies?"

Nick: "Solar panels."

Roland: "Fine, fine. Tranquilizers it is."

Spielberg: "Hm, for no other reason at all...send in the raptors."

Kelly: "And that's kicking your raptor ass."

Ian: "You got cut from the team? And they say there's such a thing as affirmative action!"

Spielberg: "Okay, raptors, the rest of you are disheartened and confused now that Shaniqua Lou Retton killed your friend. Start fighting amongst each other randomly and ignore the fleshbags."

Sadako: "WHAT? They're stupid AND weak? These are not the raptors I'm looking for!"

Peter Ludlow: "Good news, everyone! The Rex is tranquilized and help is here. We'll bring Rex and baby Rex to San Diego via ship."

Sadako: "Am I the only one who saw Reptar on Ice? This isn't gonna end well."

T Rex: "San Diego, eh? Time to hunt down a My daddy went to San Diego and all he got me was this stupid t-shirt for Rexie. I need a large in the torso and an extra extra small in the arms."

Sadako: "Back up a teensy bit. You know, the part where the crew was all dead and eaten and yet the T-Rex was still in the closed cargo hold?"

Spielberg: "That's the last time I leave you in charge of anything related to plot, Lucas."

T-Rex: "Progress and technology angers me! Time to kill a corporate head. Come on, Rexie, just like Daddy showed you."

Rexie: "Yum! Can we stop off for some Enron on the way home, Daddy?"

Spielberg: "Time to return Rex and baby Rex home to Isla Sorna. Cue the thoughtful music and the shots of cute dinosaurs romping on the island."

John Hammond: "No more talk of amusement parks. I'm going conservationist."

John: "You see, it's much more profitable to simply film nature videos of the dinosaurs in their natural habitat, just being dinosaurs, and then have my brother narrate over them in a calm soothing tone of voice. We'll make a mint!"

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: Living Doll

2010-11-18T08:30:00.000-05:00

Hey guys. You're headed through a dimension not of sight or sound, but of mind. Also, of toys that make the Bratz dolls look normal. Welcome to the Twilight Zone episode Living Doll!

Annabelle: "Now remember, Christie. When you go out shopping, never show a man what you've bought till after he's eaten. Go hide your doll till I can get your stepfather into a good mood."

Christie: "Yes, Mommy."

Erich: "What have you got there, Christie?"

Annabelle: "It's just a doll, Erich. I charged it to the account. Christie, go show Daddy your doll and remember to flash him your dimples when you do so he won't be too angry."

Christie: "Her name is Talky Tina, and she talks and moves and I just love her!"

Erich: "Okay, Annabelle. How much did it cost?"

Annabelle: "I told you--

Erich: "I know, you charged it, but how much did it cost."

Annabelle: "I...don't understand."

Sadako: "Between this and Wilma Flintstone's catchphrase CHARGE IT! I'm surprised the feminist movement was able to take off at all."

Annabelle: "I don't think it's the price of the doll that's bothering you, Erich."

Erich: "Oh great, more of that Freudian mumbo jumbo you've been getting from the doctor."

Annabelle: "It isn't Dr. Lubin's fault Christie feels rejected, or that you're taking your hostility at having to conquer your lollipop addiction out on Christie."

Erich: "Talky Tina, hm?"

Tina: "My name is Talky Tina, and I don't like you!"

Rod Serling: "Tina--the doll that does everything. To Erich Straiter, she is a most unwelcome addition to his household.

Sadako: "And to future horror writer R.L. Stine she's a muse out of which an entire evil doll franchise is born."

Rod: "But without her, he'd never enter the Twilight Zone."

Annabelle: "Why, Erich? Why did you have to throw the doll?"

Erich: "I don't like what it says!"

Annabelle: "If only you'd open your heart to Christie a little more."

Betty Draper: "Your new husband doesn't like your kid and has a charge card? I don't quite understand the problem."

Annabelle: "I can't let you treat Christie this way. I love her."

Erich: "But I don't love her. I'm only her stepfather and I'm incapable of loving children because we can't have any of our own. Is that what you're saying?"

Annabelle: "I know you got more than you bargained for when you married me. A wife on the wrong side of thirty and a daughter. But we'll do anything to make you happy."

Sadako: "I don't know, Annabelle. A 9-5 job in the stenographer pool is looking better and better."

Erich: "So where'd you spend my hard earned money finding this doll, anyway?"

Annabelle: "Mason's. She'll be a good playmate for Christie."

Erich: "Lacking a brother or sister, is that what you mean? That's why you bought the doll--sort of a reminder?"

Sadako: "No, but I'm starting to wish I'd written my senior thesis on a study of correlation between inability to conceive and purchases of American Girl and My Buddy dolls."

Talky Tina: "I'm Talky Tina, and male infertility is easily conquered by switching from briefs to boxers! Also, you might want to get that mole checked out."

Erich: "All right, Annabelle. How'd you do it? Put a walkie talkie in the doll?"

Annabelle: "Erich, I'm a woman in early 1960s America. I can barely toast bread without igniting the kitchen. I'm not playing some kind of high tech trick on you."

Erich: "Bye, Tina."

Phone: "I'm Talky Tina, and this phone call was collect and long distance!"

Erich: "The doll was in Christie's bed! She's the one who's been doing it!"

Christie: "Daddy! Please! I've got blonde hair, blue eyes, a sweet little gap between my teeth--what more do you want in a daughter?!"

Erich: "I'm not your real daddy! You can't tell me what to do!"

Christie: *sob*

Sadako: "Double session with Dr. Lubin next week, huh?"

Erich: "Come with me, Tina!"

Talky Tina: "I'm Talky Tina, and I'd suggest you reread the Geneva Convention."

Budding Feminists: "Telly, could you replace Talky Tina with the Barbie who hates math? Thanks!"

Erich: "Well, this isn't going to work. Wait, Annabelle, where are you going?"

Annabelle: "You're sick and demented. Torturing a doll?"

Erich: "I'll give it back to Christie! Would that solve things?"

Annabelle: "Well...I suppose I'll have to let my child grow up with the psychological pain of having a stepparent who resents her. But since it's either that or secretarial work in an age where the workplace policy to sexual harassment was Thank you sir, may I have another and not I don't have to take this, all right."

Erich: "Hey, what's that noi--NOOO!"

Annabelle: "Erich? ERICH!"

Talky Tina: "I'm Talky Tina, and you better be nice to me! That means the double canopy doll sized bed from the Pleasant T. Rowland company and not a knockoff!"

Annabelle: "Great. I'm pushing forty and I've got to find a third husband with a daughter and an evil doll in tow?"

Movies in a Minute: Can't Hardly Wait

2010-11-15T08:30:00.002-05:00

Preston: "Mike broke up with Amanda! This is Fate with big F and little ate! Remember on Amanda's first day of school? She sat next to me, and Smashmouth songs spontaneously played wherever she went!"

Denise: "I don't know--"

Preston: "And now the radio is playing Mandy! Come on, Denise! To the party of cliches! I can give Amanda my heartfelt letter."

William Lichter: "OK, guys. Here's our chance to get revenge on that asshole Mike Dexter. We're going to chloroform him and his jock friends, take off their clothes, and take pictures of them in compromising positions."

Director/Writer Harry Elfont: "Homophobia and Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs. Is there anything else you need for a successful 90s teen flick?"

Girl 1: "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Amanda! You guys were like Brad Pitt and Gwyneth but he's no Brad! And you're so much hotter than Gwyneth!"

Girl 2: "With bigger boobs."

Girl 3: "Totally bigger boobs."

Katy Perry: "Hm. Watching and rewatching my favorite 90s movies, I'm starting to think that I don't need to dye my hair blonde and become talented to actually achieve fame. Maybe I've got something else to ensure my celebrity."

Denise: *eye roll* "God, look at Kenny Fisher."

Preston: "Denise, do you have to rag on everyone? I mean, I'm not the one who used to spend the night at his house."

Denise: "Please, that was the fourth grade!"

Sadako: "Yeah, but it establishes that you're Kenny's First Girl and by TVTrope's logic, it means you two are destined."

Preston: "So were you this bitchy when we went out?"

Denise: "Yes, for that whole week we went out, I was a bitchy eighth grader. You know, that one week that makes it clear to the audience that even though we've got a When Harry Met Sally vibe going on, there's no Joey/Dawson dynamic here, and certainly no Some Kind of Wonderful secret best friend crush thing."

Cute Girl: "I can't believe my boyfriend cheated on me. I'm going to have sex with the first guy who talks to me!"

Mystery: "Go with that one. She came pre-negged."

Kenny: "Yes! I'll be right back. Um, need a bathroom."

Denise: "Hello?"

Kenny: "NO! Don't close the--

Denise: "AHHH."

Kenny: "Door."

Radio Station: "In honor of Barry Manilow's birthday, we'll have him taking calls all night."

Preston: "Barry Manilow? Please, help--"

Woman: "Hi, stripper here--yup, a random stripper, just to make the fourteen year olds in the audience feel they saw something risque. Yup, wearing an angel costume instead of pasties so that the parents of said fourteen year olds won't write angry letters to Columbia Pictures."

Preston: "Dammit. Okay, back to the party."

William Lichter: "Hey, I know that song! Take me down to the Paradise City."

All: "Go, William, go!"

Bill Gates: "Yup. The secret to Microsoft taking over the world: my knowledge that nothing makes socializing easier for my nerdy employees like alcohol and karaoke. Take that, Steve Jobs."

Mike: "I'll take you back, Amanda."

Amanda: "Ew, no."

Guy: "Hey Amanda, looking good!"

Preston: "Hi, Amanda--

Amanda: "SHUT UP! I'm not single more than five minutes and you guys think that I'm going to strip off my clothes and do you? Hello, I used to be prom queen. Do you guys really think I'm going to compromise my gorgeous but untouchable reputation by screwing nobodies?"

Preston: "I'm going to end the night eating brownies, watching Gwar, and hoping Gina gets drunk enough to make out with me instead of Lucas, aren't I?" *sigh*

Amanda: "Ooh. A really nice letter from a guy named Preston. Let's find out if Preston's worth dating. Excuse me, do you guys know who Preston is?"

Girl: "You mean you don't know everyone in that yearbook? Mindless sheep."

Mike: *sob*

William: "Mike! Come on, there's girls taking off their clothes in the pool house. Come on! Let's go to the pool house."

Will Smith: "Check it, for real? I gotta convince Uncle Phil to let me move in there instead of Hilary!"

Mike: "I'm a loser. Amanda doesn't want me, my friends sold me out, and someone in there called me a fag. I'm starting to realize that because so many Hollywood scriptwriters were onetime nerds and bully victims that jocks don't have such a great place in the narrative that is the high school movie."

Denise: "Kenny, I can't believe you turned into such a homeboy asshole when we got to junior high."

Kenny: "Since the whole trapped in a small space situation isn't going to end in me humorously having to help you deliver a baby, I guess we should probably advance the plot by having sex."

Denise: "Sounds good. So next time, do you think it'll last long enough for us to do it to a Tool song instead of just a Blink182 song?"

Kenny: "Masculinity threatened! What to do?! What would a Spike Lee character say? Yo baby, not my fault you lack the flava!"

Denise: "What? It was just a question."

Kenny: "I'm sorry I acted like a jerk, Denise."

Denise: "I'm sorry UCLA's student health insurance probably won't cover your Viagra scrip."

Amanda: "Whoa. That guy who said those things to me was the same Preston who wrote me the letter? Hm."

William: "Mike! Thanks for lying to the police and keeping me out of trouble--

Mike: "LOSER!"

Title card: "The high point to Mike's life was high school."

William: "Grr."

Title card: "William Lichter ended up owning his own software company. He is currently dating a supermodel and like most former high school nerds has absolutely no issues with or latent hostility towards women."

Amanda: Preston! I got your letter of love and devotion to me, and I was thinking that rather than being some football guy's eye candy, I could be the hot girl some romantic budding English major worships. Want to be in a relationship?"

Preston: "Thanks. But I've actually got to catch a train. Workshop with Kurt Vonnegut, you know."

Amanda: "Okay, no biggie. See you."

Preston: "Oh, hey wait. I can take a later train. You still want to do that relationship?"

Title card: "Seven hours later, Preston got on that train. He and Amanda are still together."

Kurt Vonnegut: *tearing up* "I bet this never happened to J.D. Salinger."

Things I Wish I Could Tell My 16 Year Old Self

2010-11-11T10:30:00.004-05:00

So, I was inspired by a Tweet Meme. You know the one: #tweetyour16yearoldself. Which brings up the question: what would I want to tell 16 year old Sadako?

When you're lounging around a gazebo wearing a poofy sleeved dress, looking impossibly gorgeous and naive, if a 17-going-on-18 year old Aryan youth tries to serenade you, RUN.

When you're sitting outside the Circle K, wondering when the Mongols ruled China and a bearded guy pulls up in a phonebooth--trust him. And yes, it's really me, not a robot, and to prove it: 69, dudes.

Wear suntan lotion. I know what you're thinking: Baz Luhrmann is a creepy flake and didn't wearing expired suntan lotion cause those kids to sprout hair and turn into dogs in that Goosebumps book? It'll come into handy when trying to avoid the tanorexic trend that so many reality stars will popularize.

Here's a very important book. Invest money in all the companies listed in here--and no, I wasn't joking about the website devoted to cats that look like Hitler. And if a white haired old man and a young Alex P. Keaton doppleganger show up one day, get rid of them.

Sign that Freaks and Geeks petition. When the face of teen America becomes Gossip Girl, Glee, and iterations of 90210, you're going to wish for a little awkwardness and some kids with non airbrushed physique.

Save your leopard print pants. Even if you don't want to ride the animal print trend, keep them, because in ten years, you might be getting ready for a Dress As Your Favorite Jersey Housewife costume party.

Your best friend with the Clueless inspired computer game is not the luckiest girl on the face of the planet. Stop crying. In another decade when Polyvore comes out, she'll have nothing on you.

Don't be a hero. Fording the river is for chumps.

Trust no one. If a ridiculously attractive guy starts showing up at your art shows and poetry readings, he's doing it on a bet or because he was paid to. The best you can hope for is that he'll learn to appreciate your quirkiness after he gets used to being around you.

When you're joyriding with Sarah Reeves, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Sebastian Valmont, and you hit a guy crossing the street, do the right thing. Or don't. You're young, hot, and the guy you hit was probably an asshole anyway.

Don't bond with your best friend's mom if she's youngish, attractive, and doesn't do Mom things like bake cookies. (Bonus danger points if she asks you to call her by her first name.) Something horrible will almost certainly happen to remind you that having a conventional, Patty Chase or Cindy Walsh esque mother is preferable.

Fight your mom tooth and nail when she reminds you that maybe the nice people at the book sale might like to have your Babysitters Club and Goosebumps books. Offer up your Beanie Babies and your Furby if you have to get her off your back. You'll thank me later. costume party.

Movies in a Minute: The Social Network

2010-11-08T08:30:00.002-05:00

Mark: "I've just got to get into a final club!"

Erica: "Lighten up, Mark, I'm sure the Sorting Hat knows what it's doing."

Mark: "If I get in, you'll get to meet people you'd never have met as a lowly BU student."

Erica: "Mark, your whole life you're going to think girls don't like you because you're a nerd but it's really because you're an asshole. Now I'm off to date someone who's got the same geeky persona as you but has a heart of gold. Is Michael Cera available?"

Mark Zuckerberg: "To my online burn book! Erica is a fugly slut in a push up bra. Ugh. Women suck. Why don't any of them like me? All right. I'm going to get drunk and rip off Hot or Not."

Harvard Administration: "Mark, your site Face Mash crashed the Harvard network, objectified women, and was just plain mean."

Mark: "Really, you should be *thanking* me for pointing out gaps in the security of the Harvard sever."

Michaele Salahi: "They never appreciated the work we did in that area either!"

Tyler Winklevoss: "Mark, I'm Tyler Winklevoss and this is my twin brother, Cameron Winklevoss. This is Divya Narendra, our South Asian programmer, whose last name is only slightly less fun to say. We're familiar with your work, and we have a great idea for a website. Come on. We're in Porcellian club. We can let you into the bike room and tell you about it. So, it'll be a website where you get your own page--"

Mark: "Okay. I'll do it."

Eduardo Saverin: "Mark! I made it past the first round into one of Harvard's elusive final clubs!"

Mark: "Probably just because they're trying to fill their minority quotient."

Sadako: "Keep reaching for that green light, Mark."

Mark: "We're going to be programming a new Facebook. I'll need your help and $1,000 worth of start up."

Eduardo: "Well, sure, Mark--

Mark: "Oh, and I'm also going to need $200 more for servers. Also, your unquestioning support and loyalty and for our relationship to stop being one of equals and to start becoming more House/Wilson-esque."

Guy: "Mark! Have you seen Jessie? Do you know if she's dating anyone? Like, have you noticed her with anyone? And is she actively seeking a relationship or just a one night stand?"

Mark: "That's it! That's what the Facebook page is missing! A clear way of expressing social expectations so that even those of us on the autism spectrum can date, too! And I'll do away with flirting and wondering if a girl playing with her hair means she likes you--it'll all be replaced with a generic poke button!"

Christy: "You guys created the Facebook?"

Mark: "Yeah..."

Eduardo: "Yup."

Christy: "Ooh. Programmers are the new frat boys!"

Eduardo: "Dude. We have groupies."

Sadako: "Does this mean in a few more years, I should expect to see the tabloids turning their attention from the sex lives of Tiger Woods and Tom Brady to Bill Gates and Steve Jobs?"

Divya Narendra: "Guys! GUYS! Stop rowing. It's Mark Zuckerberg. He's been giving us the run around for two months and now it turns out he's stolen our idea!"

Tyler: "I'm going to annihilate him--I'm six five, 220 pounds, and there are two of me."

Cameron: "No. We can't do that--that'll cement our images as the Stan Gables of this movie and Zuckerberg as the dorky but lovable Skolnick. Also, Harvard men don't descend into the courts. Let's see the president of Harvard."

President Larry Summers: "What do you kids want?"

Tyler: "Mark Zuckerberg stole our idea for a website! And he won't give it back!"

Larry Summers: "And?"

Cameron: "Well, we were hoping for some some Dean Wormer-esque catch phrases at the very least. Something like ZUCKERBERG!!!"

Tyler: "Or Pasty, nerdy, and overly ambitious is no way to go through life, son."

Larry Summers: "I'm busy. I've got a reputation to establish as one of the Ivy League's most misogynistic presidents of all time. Out of my office, kids."

Tyler: "To the federal courts!"

Eduardo: "So, Mark, what about ad revenue?"

Mark: "Are you kidding? Facebook isn't about money. We want to preserve our cool image. No crazy pop ups--I want it to look clean and simple. If MySpace is a wild, sexy guy in a band, we're the disciplined, geek chic younger brother."

Eduardo: "But Mark--"

Mark: "Come on. Break out the Jack Daniels. I'm interviewing some new interns and doing more to rehabilitate the image of the hacker since that little girl who figured out how to close doors with Unix in Jurassic Park."

Sean Parker: "You've just slept with Napster co-founder Sean Parker, lucky lady."

Girl: *giggle* "Ooh, wow."

Sadako: "This is what happens in an age where no one steps up to fill the rock star void left empty by Conrad Birdie."

Sean Parker: "Hello, boys. I'm here to rock your world. Come on, I think I Can Haz Cheeseburger's hosting a party later tonight, and IMDb's definitely going to be there. Oh, and take the "the" out of your name. Just Facebook."

Sadako: "Was changing Four Chan to 4Chan also your idea?"

Eduardo: "I don't trust that Sean Parker. He's up to no good."

Sadako: "And I don't trust that Aaron Sorkin. Worst attempt to make me think extreme geekiness was cool since Bringing Down the House."

Eduardo: "Excuse me. I'd like to freeze this bank account."

Mark: "Asshole."

Eduardo: "Jerk."

Mark: "Chicken cannibalizer. Come on, let's call a truce. We've got a big investor, Peter Thiel."

Peter Thiel: "Eduardo! We'd like to give you a huge share in the company. Isn't it exciting?"

Eduardo: "Yeah!"

Peter Thiel: "Oops, your shares have been dissolved down to .03%."

Eduardo: "MARK! You betrayed me! I was your only friend and you betrayed me!"

Mark: "Sorry, Eduardo. You don't get rich by writing a lot of checks."

Eduardo: "But we were friends!"

Aaron Sorkin: "I wonder if the audience has gotten the message of the film yet."

David Fincher: "Better put it in the tagline, too."

Sean: "We're better off without him. Well, I'm off to a wild party with our underage intern, some blow, and the creators of Pandora. I'm sure this will end well."

*several hours later*

Sean: "Help! Mark! The cops came and we're in trouble and I don't know what to do!"

Mark: *sinister smile*

Single Female Lawyer: "You'll have to settle out of court, Mark. If this goes to trial, there's no way you'll win over a jury. Not with your weird Aspberger idiosyncrasies without the cuddly Rain Man or Adrian Monk persona. You'll pay off the Winklevoss twins, Divya, and Eduardo, and in the long run, it'll be like a speeding ticket."

Mark: *sigh* "Hm. Think I'll friend Erica. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh."

Sadako: "I always wondered how standing outside a girl's window after you've emotionally destroyed her and screaming Stella! would translate in the 21st century."

Movies in a Minute: 10 Things I Hate About You

2010-11-04T08:30:00.001-04:00

Kat: "Ugh. The prom."

Feministing: "We love you, Kat, oh yes we do!"

Shakespeare's Sister: "We want to be you!"

Jezebel: "You're Tavi Gevinson, Crystal Renn, and Gloria Steinem wrapped up in one awesome package!"

Ms. Perky: "Welcome to Padua High School, Cameron. I trust you'll find it's like your other schools. Except more self consciously Shakespearean. Now get out of here while I consult Roget's Thesaurus: the Harlequin Romance Edition."

Michael: "Hey, Cameron. I'm here to show you around. Over there you've got your basic beautiful people and over there are your future MBAs...feel free to tune the rest of this out if you've seen Clueless already."

Cameron: "Whoa. Who's that girl? She's perfect!"

Michael: "That's Bianca Stratford."

Bianca: "What's the difference between like and love, anyway? Because I like my Skechers but love my Prada backpack."

Cameron: "I burn! I pine! I perish! I quote Taming of the Shrew at random intervals to convince the English teachers screening this film for their classes that this constitutes a Shakespearean adaptation!"

Daria: "Her shallowness is so thorough that sometimes it seems like depth, I'll give you that."

Michael: "Not gonna happen. Bianca's dad won't let her date. He's like a non ironic version of Sam and Lindsey Weir's dad."

Joey: "Bianca, eh? I bet I can have sex with her."

Bianca: "Daddy, why can't I date?"

Mr. Stratford: "Okay. New rule. Bianca can date...when hell freezes over. Oh, and when someone manages to find my Kat, eldest feminist daughter, attractive."

Mr. Weir: "Nice, but I'd have gone with You know who had premarital sex? Jim Morrison. Know what happened to him? He's dead!"

Michael: "Don't worry. We'll just pay someone to ask Kat out."

Cameron: "But we don't have any money."

Michael: "We'll just get a backer--someone to pay him who thinks he'll be the one who gets Bianca. Like...that guy. He's insane enough to deal with her."

Cameron: "Great! Let's go get something to eat--treating women like chattel really works up my appetite."

Michael: "So, Joey. You like Bianca. Pay Patrick Verona to take her out."

Joey: "So--"

Patrick: "Yes, all right, I'll get this tired plot underway. So, Kat, I've noticed you around. I find you kind of abrasive. Would you--"

Kat: "Bite my pasty, skinny, patriarchy hating ass."

Patrick: "Little help, guys?"

Cameron: "Turns out Kat likes feminist prose, white guilt, and angry, girl music of the rock persuasion. She's going to see her favorite angry girl music group tomorrow night!"

Director Gil Junger: "Cue the angry feminist girl group! Get the lead singer out of her ripped t-shirt and into a halter top! And make sure her highlights look okay and slap some more lipstick on her before she comes out."

Patrick: "So. Bogie Lowenstein's party tomorrow night. Was that a yes?"

Kat: "No."

Patrick: "Was it a no?"

Kat: "No!"

Sadako: "And no means no just had its coffin lowered into the ground."

*Party*

Cameron: "So, Bianca--"

Joey: "Hey Bianca. Want to see the looks I'm working on for my tube sock campaign?"

Bianca: "Wait, I don't give compliments. I just receive them."

Kat: *concussion* "Ouch. I'm fine."

Patrick: "Are you sure?"

Sadako: "Yeah, can you recite Coolio lyrics?"

Cameron: "Patrick, this whole thing was a bad idea. Bianca likes Joey, not me."

Patrick: "Come on. Cameron, you're smart enough, you're good enough, and doggone it, it doesn't matter because Joey Donner's a tool. And Kat..."

Kat: *puke*

Sadako: "Told you. Never trust a girl when she says she's okay unless she can go Rollin' with the homies..."

Kat: "You know, you're not as vile as I thought. Vomit flavored kiss?"

Patrick: "Um. Another time."

Joey: "You guys want to head over to Jaret's house with me?"

Bianca: "I've gotta be home in twenty minutes..."

Chastity: "I'll go!"

Bianca: "Chastity!"

Chastity: "I'm tired of being the mocha flavored token best friend. Time to get a little action of my own!"

Bianca: "Cameron, none of my friends are paying attention to me. Come on, let's make out."

Cameron: "What'd you do to Kat, Patrick? The plan was working!"

Michael: "Well, to put it in pseudo 16th century terms, Kat hates you with the fire of a thousand suns."

Cameron: "Come on, Patrick, you just need a grand sweeping gesture. We've only got about half an hour left in the movie--she's bound to fold if you do something sweet enough."

Patrick: I love you, baby, and if it's quite all right, I need you, baby...

Nelson: "Good song, but don't be surprised if she chooses herself."

Mr. Chapin: "Detention time, Mr. Verona!"

Kat: "Mr. Chapin! I have a plan for how we can improve the girls soccer team. Let's distract them!" *flash*

Ms. Perky: "Anyone have another word for erect nipples? I don't think this school constitutes hostile educational environment quite yet!"

Patrick: "Thanks for getting me out of detention. So. Why so serious about hating the rest of the world?"

Kat: "I'm a real nonconformist. I don't like to do what people expect."

Patrick: "Same here. So, want to run around giggling while a popular teen group of the era plays a catchy song and we collapse in a messy, romantic heap?"

Kat: "Bianca, I just want you to be careful. Joey Donner and I went out my freshman year and he dumped me after I had sex with him."

Bianca: "What?! Oh god, why does everything bad happen to me?"

Mr. Stratford: "What's going on here?"

Bianca: "Bye, Daddy! I've got Andie Walsh's old prom dress and Cameron and I are off to the prom!"

Chastity: "Oh, Bianca. Joey and I are at prom together. You know he only asked you out because he had a bet going about nailing you."

Joey: "Yo, Verona. What the hell is Cameron doing with Bianca? I never would have paid you to take out Kat if I'd known--

Kat: "What?!"

Bianca: *Joey smack* "That was for making my date bleed! That was for my sister! And that was for me!"

Joey: "Ow..."

Sadako: "So all four main male characters used and bet on women. What makes Joey the slimy one? His self-centeredness or the fact that he once stood up Stephanie Tanner?"

Kat: I hate the way you talk to me / And the way you cut your hair...I hate it when you're not around / And the fact that you didn't call / But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you / Not even close / Not even a little bit / Not even at all. *sob*

Sadako: "The angst of Sylvia Plath/Ted Hughes fanfic meets the rhyming scheme of Hop on Pop!"

Kat: "Is this a Fender Stratocaster which I see before me? Or art thou but a guitar of the mind, a false creation? Or just a Gibson electric?"

Patrick: "Well, I had some extra cash. An asshole paid me to take out this girl but I fell for her."

Kat: "I'm melting inside but I'm going to pay some token feminist lip service by reminding you that you can't just buy me a guitar every time you use me."

Patrick: "Whatever you say, honey!"

This Year's Best and Worst Halloween Costumes

2010-11-01T11:00:00.001-04:00

This November 1st, I decided to do a recap of all the best Halloween costumes: costumes that I've in real life, that I've seen in movies, and read about in books.

Remember the sequel to the The Haunted Mask, the aptly named The Haunted Mask II?

Steve, from the Haunted Mask, returns and puts on this devilishly creepy old man mask. What category does Steve win? Well, at the GOP Halloween Extravaganza, he wins Best Depiction of Socialized Healthcare: a sick old man on your doorstep, begging for a handout. Now that's Obama's America for you.

Next, I turn to a costume fashioned by one of my stuffed toys. I'm a little biased towards my progeny, I know.

But my smallest and therefore cutest Teddy Bear won my heart this year. What did he go as? Kate Moss in bear form.

Who's up next? This random baby.

This baby's costume is one of my favorites. Not because he's my favorite source of potassium, but because he went as a Velvet Underground album cover. At age six months, that baby is already hipper than I'll ever be. (Especially since I still cop to some Raffi love.)

But of course, the clear winner is Wednesday Addams.

Wednesday is the clear winner. What did she go as at the end of The Addams Family? A homicidal maniac--they look just like everyone else.

And who gets the worst prize ever?

The Plastics! In Mean Girls, the most hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears. They get the prize for worst costume. Not because they pioneered self degradation and the deterioration of everything Gloria Steinem stood for. But because made it okay for furries to stand loud and proud. And as we all know, furries exist only for every other self professed geek, dweeb or spazz to feel superior to.

Hope everyone else enjoyed their Halloween!

What I Learned From Reading Goosebumps Part II

2010-10-28T09:30:00.003-04:00

Part II of what I learned from reading Goosebumps books. (Part I here.) Happy (early) Halloween!

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Synopsis: An unpopular girl gets a chance to have three wishes granted, but each wish brings her more than she bargained for.

Lessons learned: There's nothing like ending your title with an ellipsis to really draw in readers. It's second only to making sure every other chapter has the requisite cliffhanger ending.

The Werewolf of Fever Swamp

Synopsis: Grady and his family have moved to the swamp. Grady hears strange howling noises from the swamp and starts finding dead animals. Is there a werewolf? And if so, who is it? Could it be Grady's new dog? The crazy swamp hermit? Turns out it's Grady's new best friend, Will.

Lessons learned: It's never the crazy hermit. Or lupus. Also, note to illustrator: if you do want to sustain the illusion that it is the crazy swamp hermit, don't illustrate the werewolf surrounded by typical tween clothing. In the length of time I took me to feel up the embossed lettering on the front cover on the way to the check out counter, I managed to figure out the ending.

The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight

Synopsis: Jodie and Mark visit their grandparents' farm for the summer. Stanley, who helps around the farm, has figured out a way to magically bring the scarecrows to life.

Lessons learned: Between this and the Are You Afraid of the Dark scarecrow episode, all of the positive work Wizard of Oz actor Ray Bolger did revamping the image of the scarecrow has been in vain.

My Hairiest Adventure

Synopsis: Larry Boyd and his friends find an old tube of suntan lotion. After they put it on, Larry realizes it's expired. Soon after, he grows hair in the oddest places. Convinced it's the suntan lotion, Larry does his best to cope with his weird problem. But it turns out, Larry's problem has nothing to do with the lotion: he and his friends were originally dogs that a scientist changed into human babies for couples who couldn't have their own kids.

Lesson learned: Correlation. It doesn't always equal causation. Also, if your editor gives you deadlines for your rough drafts--stick to them.

The Curse of Camp Cold Lake, the Horror at Camp Jellyjam, Ghost Camp

Synopsis: Scary things happen at a summer camp, ad nauseum.

Lessons learned: Everyone associated with patenting the name Camp Crystal Lake is MIA. Also, note to self: when you're writing your very own children's series, don't put Friday the 13th on in the background.

How to Kill a Monster

Synopsis: Gretchen and her stepbrother Clark find a monster in the closet when staying at their grandparents' house. They accidentally release it and try to kill it: by tricking it into falling off an unfinished floor in the house and by feeding it poison. None of it works until the monster tries to eat Clark and dies due to an unforeseen allergic reaction.

Lessons learned: How to kill a monster.

Attack of the Jack o Lanterns

Synopsis: Drew and her friend Walker, with their friends Shane and Shauna, try to play a trick on Tabby and Lee, two kids who have pranked them in the past. Two giant pumpkinheads with magic powers show up--could they be Shane and Shauna? Yup--after Tabby and Lee run off in a panic, it turns out Shane and Shauna were aliens all long, using their powers for a Halloween joke. Shane and Shauna take off after warning Drew and Walker not to eat too much candy because aliens like to eat fat people.

Lessons learned: See what a difference sticking to deadlines and writing drafts can make? Instead of having to churn out an ending where your characters are revealed to be dogs, you can write one where they turn out to be aliens.

How I Learned to Fly

Synopsis: Two boys try to compete with each other for a girl they both like, doing everything they can, including using a book to learn how to fly.

Lesson Learned: It was R.L. Stine and illustrator Tim Jacobus who really pioneered the Converse high-top sneaker craze. (See also, the cover for Monster Blood II, Attack of the Jack O'Lanterns, and any other cover where a kid is wearing sneakers.) Forget Vice and American Apparel--if you want to dress like a hipster this Halloween, raid your attic for your old copies of Goosebumps.

What I Learned From Reading Goosebumps

2010-10-25T09:00:00.001-04:00

I learned a lot when reading the Goosebumps series. (No, the lesson wasn't How to Mass Market Twilight Zone episodes to tweens.) I learned some legitimately important stuff. Let's take a look.

Monster Blood Series

Synopsis: Evan finds a can labeled Monster Blood, filled with a strange goo that, over the course of several books, causes whoever eats it to grow.

Lessons learned: The secret to publishing groundbreaking children's book isn't finding a new and awesome way of framing menstruation (sorry, Judy!) or writing a story where something really sad happens to a beloved pet. It's making sure you have a Nickelodeon's Gak tie-in.

Say Cheese and Die!

Synopsis: Greg and his friends find a strange new camera. It predicts the future and causes strange, terrible things to happen to whomever it photographs.

Lesson learned: Strunk and White be damned. Exclamation marks let your reader know you mean business. (See also, Let's Get Invisible!, You Can't Scare Me!, It Came From Beneath the Sink!)

Night of the Living Dummy

Synopsis: An evil dummy wreaks havoc on a family. I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not Slappy. It's Mr. Wood. Slappy only reveals himself as sentient at the very end of the book.

Lessons learned: Inevitably, I'll get a phone call late one night Scream-style, asking me my favorite Goosebumps novel. I'll giggle even more girlishly than Drew Barrymore did as I answer, Night of the Living Dummy. When I'm subsequently quizzed on who the evil dummy was...I'll know not to answer Slappy. (Don't I so have FINAL GIRL MATERIAL written all over me?)

The Girl Who Cried Monster

Synopsis: Lucy Dark is enrolled in the library's summer reading program. She finds out that her librarian, Mr. Mortman, has a horrible secret: after closing time, he turns into a monster and eats flies and turtles. Lucy's parents won't believe her because she's always telling stories about seeing monsters. Lucy stays behind in the library to try to prove Mr. Mortman is a monster...until he catches her. Lucy's only way of escaping? Knocking over the card catalog in the hopes that Mortman's need to catalog is greater than his monstrous urges.

Lessons learned: What does Mortman get to do as a monster? Terrorize Japanese cities or use his frightening appearance to supply Monstropolis with electricity? Nope, he eats flies and organizes the card catalog. Even in monster form, fictional librarians can't escape their dorky image.

It Came From Beneath the Sink!

Synopsis: A girl named Kat finds a strange sponge under the sink of her new home. The sponge, which turns out to be an evil mythical creature called a Grool, causes bad luck wherever it goes. Kat and her brother manage to destroy the Grool but at the end find an even worse creature: a vampiric potato known as a Lanx.

Lessons learned: Some Goosebumps books, like Night of the Living Dummy and One Day at Horrorland spawn mini franchises, complete with t-shirts, spin offs, sequels, toys, and more. Others don't. To this day, I'm still anxiously awaiting my cuddly Grool nighttime companion and my potato to Lanx transformer action figure.

Welcome to Camp Nightmare

Synopsis: Billy goes to a summer camp where odd things happen: the counselors are abusive to the kids, campers start disappearing, and there's something creepy in the woods. But as it turns out, Camp Nightmoon was just a training for Billy to see if he was psychologically fit to accompany his parents as they explore a frightening new land: Earth!

Lessons learned: Based on the tagline ("It's the little camp of horrors!"), I deduced that the same lowly editorial assistant who worked on the tired puns of the Babysitters Club's Abby Stevenson was also on R.L. Stine's payroll. It's nice to know where an English degree could get you in the 90s.

The Ghost Next Door

Synopsis: A girl named Hannah meets a new neighbor, Danny. She suspects that he is a ghost, but it turns out he's not the ghost--she is!

Lessons learned: Drawing faces isn't illustrator Tim Jacobus's strong point.

The Haunted Mask series

Synopsis: An easily scared girl, Carly Beth, wants to frighten the boys at school who tease her. In the first book of the Haunted Mask series, she finds a horrifying mask for Halloween. The only problem? The mask won't come off! Eventually, Carly Beth is able to remove it with a symbol of love. She's warned by the shopkeeper that anyone who puts the mask on will never be able to take it off, and in a twist, her brother puts it on in the very last scene. In the Horrorland series, Carly Beth puts the mask on again, but finds yet another symbol of love to remove it.

Lessons learned: If you really want to make an impact on kids, you've gotta follow through on your threats. Yes, this means writing a children's book where a twelve year old girl has a latex mask permanently seared to her skin.

Hope you guys enjoyed this! Look for Part II of what I learned from Goosebumps this Thursday!

Movies in a Minute: She's All That

2010-10-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

DJ Usher: "Yo, yo, yo, what up? Sepia toned David Silver here to work in a little exposition. We're here at Harrison High, back from spring break, and it's 8 weeks till graduation day!"

Laney: "Lalala, art, art, art! Dark artsy brooding persona, lalala!"

Sadako: "Oh, high school, when being weird and vaguely artsy among generic types was enough to constitute a personality."

Zack: "Anyone seen my girlfriend, Taylor?"

Taylor: "Zack! Over spring break in Daytona, I met Brock Hudson from the second season of Real World. You're just a student body president. He's a reality TV star! Sorry, we're over."

Real Housewives of OC's Slade Smiley: "Add five pounds of make up, a little peroxide, and ten or fifteen Botox sessions, and you could be the next Mrs. Slade Smiley."

Dean: "Sorry, man."

Zack: "Look, it's all an illusion. Any girl could be Taylor Vaughan, with a little make up and a wonderbra. See that girl? Short, decent rack, a little bit Chelsea Clinton--with the right look and boyfriend, BAM! Any girl can be the next big thing."

Sadako: "Subtract the Tucker Max esque vibe and you just articulated Jezebel.com's mission statement."

Dean: "Okay, I'll take you up on your bet. How about...her!"

Zack: "What?! No, not Laney Boggs. Anything else. Weird boobs, bad personality, maybe some kind of fungus!"

Dean: "I think Tori Spelling's seeing someone now."

Zack: "Come on. Anyone but Laney. It's 1999 and the hot librarian trope hasn't yet made it into popular culture!"

Dean: "Bet's a bet, man."

Zack: "So, Laney...you, uh...like art?"

Jesse: "Go for it!"

Laney: "Are you serious?"

Jesse: "I'm the fat friend. Cheering you on and Twinkie binges are all I have."

Laney: "Sorry, Zack. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta out-pretentious Damien Hirst."

Zack: "Hack. E. Sack. Hack...E...Sack. Hack..."

Sadako: "Interesting. A self portrait?"

Laney: "Um, nice. I gotta go."

Zack: "Let's go to the beach now! Come on, it's either go to the beach or sit here playing outdated video games with your brother and listening to your dad drone on about the dead animals he drains out of my rich friends' swimming pool drains, while class conflict rears its ugly head."

Laney: "Well...okay."

Dean: "Hey, your girl has a pretty hot bod. Shame about the glasses. Too bad guys like us live our lives according to the teachings of Dorothy Parker."

Preston: "Wanna play volleyball, Laney?"

Chandler: "No, she doesn't. No offense, but I've seen you in gym class and you run like a girl!"

Laney: "Uh...I am a girl."

Sadako: "Nice try, but next time try You could be a farmer in that bathing suit."

All: "Volleyball, whoohoo!"

Laney: "I think you're standing on my neck."

Mackenzie: "I'm Zack's little sister, and I'm here to make you over for the party tonight. So, do you always wear your eyebrows in an homage to Frida Kahlo? And why don't you use make up?"

Laney: "My mom died before she could teach me the art of female insecurity."

Joey Potter: "You're a brunette who doesn't know she's hot, you love art, you're poor, and you work in the food services industry, and now your mom died before you hit puberty, too? So are you trying to usurp every part of my personality?"

Mackenzie: "Presenting the new, not improved, but different Laney Boggs! Laney! Get your cute butt down here--Sixpence None the Richer isn't sticking around past five."

All: "Whoa. Contacts. Short hair. Visible dirty pillows."

Taylor: "You're a waste of yearbook space. You're spam."

Sadako: "Oh yeah? Well, you're MySpace after Mark Zuckerberg arrived on the scene."

Laney: *sob* "I should never have come here!"

Zack: "Laney. We were having fun today. You were having fun. People saw you with me at the beach. People saw you walk in with me at the party. And my sister got to use you as her advanced practicum for her hair and make up class at the mall."

Usher: "Yo, yo. Back to infuse a little soul into this movie and catch you slower members of the audience up on the ins and outs of the plot. So, Taylor and Laney are both up for prom queen now! What's up with that?"

Zack: "Hey Laney. Nice painting. Is that your mom? Wow. She's beautiful."

Laney: "Too bad it wasn't hereditary."

Zack: "Yeah, that's true. So anyway--why do you shut everyone out?"

Laney: "What?!"

Zack: "Oh, hold that thought, gotta check the stats on the odds of you becoming prom queen."

Usher: Yo, if I could get with Laney, it'd be real cool, with the queen by my side, we'd run the whole school...

Sadako: "In case you were still wondering if you should choose Taylor or Laney, the hip black vote is going with Laney."

Usher: Yeah, yeah, she's all that!

Audience: "Ohhh. We get it now."

Dean: "I'm going to the prom with her now! You know, since you used Laney as a bet."

Laney: "Is that true? Am I a bet? AM I A FUCKING BET?"

Sadako: "Answer her, man. I've seen what she can do with just an egg and a frying pan when the withdrawal symptoms kick in."

Zack: How to convey shock, disappointment, and shame all at once?! Quick, man, think back to what you learned at the Joey Tribbiani school of acting. Divide 232 by 13. "...yes."

Dean: "Let's go to the prom, Laney."

Laney: "Okay."

Fatboy Slim: Funk's your brother, check it out now!

Usher: "Come on, white kids! Let's see that dance I taught you!"

Laney: "Is it time to hand jive yet?"

Sadako: "Urge to hurl slushies...rising..."

Jesse: "Hey. I'm Jesse Jackson."

Mackenzie: "I'm Mack."

Jesse: "So, hanging out with the male protagonist's little sister for the rest of the film. Okay."

Duckie: "Hey, man, be grateful. In the 80s, it was a lot worse for the dorky male best friend. We've come a long way, baby!"

Zack: "Laney! Jesse and Mack told me all about Dean and how he wanted to--

Laney: "Yeah, I told him it was sexual harassment and I didn't have to take it."

Zack: "I'm sorry about the bet. It was before I knew you and realized that underneath, you were a person with feelings and nice legs and a great chest."

Laney: "I feel just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, except with shorter hair and a non geriatric love interest."

Zack: "Whoohoo! Naked graduation!"

BSC #4: Mary Anne Saves the Day

2010-10-18T09:00:00.001-04:00

I know I haven't done any BSC related posts in a very long time, but I felt the urge. Enjoy my retelling of Mary Anne Saves the Day.

Mary Anne: It's been hard for me growing up with only my dad. My mom died when I was a baby and my dad is so protective of me because he has to be both parents to me. I still live in a really babyish room with pictures of Humpty Dumpty. And I'm not even allowed to wear my hair the way I want--I have to wear braids because Dad subscribes to Warren Jeffs' theory that carefully monitored hair is the linchpin of female oppression.

Kristy: "Mary Anne, time for our meeting!"

Mary Anne: But being part of the BSC has been great. We get to go on sitting jobs and the other three members of the club are my best friends.

Kristy: "What's that, Mrs. Newton? Would I like to babysit for Jamie and baby Lucy? More than a Judy Blume characters longs for menarche? I'll be there!"

Claudia: "Job hog! Kristy, I would have liked to sit for Lucy, too!"

Mary Anne: "Me too..."

Stacey: "I'm actually reduced to arguing about babysitting jobs? Couldn't we be fighting over bra sizes or clothes or guys?"

Paula Danziger: "If I were overseeing your lives, yes."

Mary Anne: *sob*

Kristy: "Baby."

Mary Anne: "That's it! You're all horrible people, and I hope I never see you again!"

Mr. Spier: "So, Mary Anne, how was your day?"

Mary Anne: "Well, Dad, we--"

Mr. Spier: "Mary Anne, that's the red tartan kilt you're wearing, not the green tartan one that I picked out for you, isn't it?! Oh, God. I'll never be as good a parent as you were, Alma!"

Mary Anne: "Uh oh. Lunch time with all my friends mad at me."

Kristy: "Don't even think about sitting with the Shillaber twins. I laid claims to them a long time ago."

Dawn: "Hi! I'm a conveniently new character! I'm blonde, but don't worry about confusing me with Stacey because I'm a California blonde, not a Bergdof blonde."

Mary Anne: "Want to come over to my house later?"

Kristy: "Mary Anne, are you tripping? You never invite people over except me. And you barely make contact with the outside world unless it's to use a flashlight to talk to me. Shouldn't you be at home crying about us?"

Dawn: "I wonder if our parents knew each other, Mary Anne. They're about the same age, and it's always easier on the reader when secondary characters know each other."

Mary Anne: "To the yearbooks! Oh! Check out these quotes and signatures about true love! They did know each other!"

Dawn: "Wow."

Mary Anne: "So, guys, what are we going to do about the club?"

Claudia: "We'll all take turns sitting in an empty room taking calls. It's the only sane solution."

Mary Anne: "Hello? Mrs. Newton?"

Mrs. Newton: "Mary Anne, I was wondering if all of the members of the BSC could help out at Jamie's fourth birthday party. I invited 16 little kids as guests."

Sadako: "Spoken like someone who hasn't read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing even once."

Mary Anne: "Dad? Do you think I could stay out later when I'm babysitting? All my friends do."

Mr. Spier: "You aren't your friends. I'm sorry, Mary Anne, I don't think you're ready."

Mary Anne: "Look at me, Dad! I'm 12 and I'm wearing braids and living in a nursery! I mean, Humpty Dumpty? If I'm limited to stuff from children's literature, at least let me have something with a bit of hipster cachet like Maurice Sendak wallpaper."

Peter Lerangis: "If you can hold out a few more books, I promise, things will get so much easier. Plus, there will be leggings."

Mr. Spier: "Mary Anne, the subject is closed."

Mary Anne: "Mimi? Am I a normal 12 year old?"

Mimi: "You show an interest in needlepoint more suited to middle aged women with collections of thimbles shaped like cats, but you seem very mature and serious, too."

Mary Anne: "I wish my father could see that."

Mimi: "If you do not like how things are you, you must change them. I know you will find a way, my Mary Anne."

Claudia: "MY Mary Anne?! I thought I was your Claudia! You never even say my Janine! That personal pronoun was the one thing keeping my ego intact!"

Mrs. Prezzioso: "Thanks for babysitting for little Jenny, Mary Anne. Mr. P and I will be at a basketball game. Here's the number we'll be at."

Jenny: "..."

Mary Anne: "Hello? Dawn? I've got an emergency with the kid I'm sitting for. I can't reach her parents or my dad. What should I do?"

Dawn: "You could try 911."

Mary Anne: "It's a long shot, but okay."

William Shatner: "Would both of you like to be the poster children for a new show I've got in the works?"

Mr. Prezzioso: "You girls did the right thing. Here you go."

Dawn: "Wow, fifty bucks."

Mary Anne: "Yeah."

Dawn: "Uh, Mary Anne, why is that girl in the house over there sticking her tongue out at me? And why are you sticking your tongue out at her? Wait, you were using me this whole time, weren't you!"

Mary Anne: "No...wait...Sigh."

Mr. Spier: "Mary Anne? That was Mr. Prezzioso on the phone. Did something happen today?"

Mary Anne: "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you. There was an emergency and I had to get Jenny to the hospital."

Dad: "Mary Anne, you're growing up before my eyes."

Mary Anne: "Do you think I might be allowed to stay out later? And replace Humpty Dumpty with an old Richard Gere pinup, which I plan to dub Benjamin Moore?"

Dad: "Okay."

Mary Anne: "Oh, Dad!"

Dawn: "Hey, Mary Anne!"

Mary Anne: "I'm sorry we fought. Maybe I was using you when I first met you. But when I got to know you, I really liked you and thought you were cool. I hope we can still be friends."

Laney Boggs: "I'm convinced."

Mary Anne: "Gotta run. Time for Jamie Newton's party!"

Stacey: "You smushed cake in my face!"

Claudia: "Oops."

Mrs. Newton: "Girls? Do I need to break out the Costco sized bottle of Midol?"

Mary Anne: "I'm calling an emergency meeting of the Babysitters Club. Now let's all apologize without actually addressing any of our deep seated insecurities."

All: "I'M SORRY!"

Mary Anne: "I have a new member to introduce. Her name is Dawn. Everyone come to my house next weekend for a sleepover party!"

*doorbell*

Mr. Spier: "I'll get it. Sharon...?"

Mrs. Schafer: "Richie?"

Dawn: "Aw. Old people can be so sweet!"

Mary Anne: "Welcome to the BSC, Dawn."

Dawn: "Thanks!"

Mary Anne: "Pizza toast!"

Stacey: "To Dawn!"

Kristy: "To the club!"

Dawn: "To us!"

Sadako: "To the shattered hopes and dreams I had as a BSC-reading elementary school student about the honor and sanctity of middle school friendships!"

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Oliver and Company

2010-10-14T06:00:00.001-04:00

Huey Lewis: "Finally! The chance to show that I'm about more than providing songs to be ripped off in Ghostbusters or filler songs in Back to the Future! 'Cause it's always once upon a time in New York City..."

Oliver: "Mew! Help! I'm as lost as Joey Lawrence in a TV show where he's playing a character not named Joey!"

Dodger: "Come on. Let's you and me steal some sausages."

Oliver: "Cool! When are we gonna eat?"

Dodger: "We? Sorry. I only look out for myself. Our dynamic duo has just become a dynamic uno!"

Oliver: "Hey! Wait! I can haz access to goods that are legally mine?!"

Dodger: "You want the sausages? And to maybe worm your way into my heart and teach me about empathy? Come and get 'em! Why should I worry? Tell me, why should I care?"

Pierre: "I could come up with a reason..."

All: "Dodger!"

Dodger: "Hey guys. Who wants sausage? These ones come pre dipped in cement, hydrant water, and angry feline slobber."

Oliver: *Mew*

Rita: "Cool it, guys, it's just a cat."

Tito: "Dios mio, un gato!"

Benji: "Mr. Eisner? Admit it. The real reason you turned down my request to become animated was because you found a Hispanic dog who would work for slave wages, right?"

Sykes: "Where's the money, Fagin?"

Fagin: "Maybe the animated version of Mr. Bumble has it?"

Sykes: "Do you know what happens when people don't pay me back? People get hurt."

Fagin: "Please, I'll pay back the debt I owe you!"

Sadako: "Fellow liberal arts student facing student loans, eh?"

Fagin: "We've got two days to make enough money to pay back Mr. Sykes. Dodger, keep an eye on the new kid. Show him the ropes."

Oliver: "What kind of work do we do, anyway?"

Dodger: "There's no real way to Disneyfy You've Got to Pick a Pocket or Two, so let's not really address that."

Tito: "You be lookout."

Oliver: "Okay! What's a lookout?"

Tito: "Aye! Mi madre! Just look out the weendow, okay?"

Jennifer Lopez Hand: "Hey cholo, want to form an ethnic stereotype support group?"

Jenny: "Hi there! Aww. A kitty!"

Rita: "What happened to the kid?"

Dodger: "We've got to rescue him!"

Jenny: "Here, Oliver. You get your own bowl and your own toys."

Winston: "Georgette isn't going to like this."

Georgette: Girl, we've got a lot of work to do...perfect isn't easy.

Sadako: "Apparently it requires owning stock in Latisse and the ability to apply an amount of eyeshadow that would make Patsy Ramsey blush at the tastelessness."

Jenny: "Oh, Oliver. You're so great. You and me together / Will be...forever..."

Sadako: "I'ma let you you finish, Jenny, but Fern and Wilbur's song There Must Be Something More was one of the best owner/animal friendship songs of ALL TIME."

Georgette: "Grrr..."

Dodger: "Let's find the kid. Hey. This place doesn't look so bad..."

Tito: "Hey man, if thees is torture, chain me to the wall!"

Gidget: "How is it that loving Taco Bell got me thrown off the campaign by irate Hispanic pride groups and nothing happened to Tito? Please, someone tell me!"

Georgette: "WINSTON! Bark bark bark! Don't come any closer! I knew this would happen one day!"

Dodger: "Hey, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's not you we're after."

Georgette: "It's not?! Well, why not? What's the problem? I mean, do you even know who I am? Fifty six blue ribbons, six time national champion!"

Sadako: "And the canine doing the most to perpetuate rape and sexual assault myths."

Dodger: "We'll leave as soon as we get our cat."

Georgette: "Here you go! Bye now!"

Francis: "Welcome home, Oliver!"

Oliver: "What? Huh? I'm sorry, guys. But I had a home. And it's a Park Avenue townhouse in pre-gentrified New York!"

Dodger: "We're your family! We risked a lot to get you back here."

Oliver: "Dodger, I'm sorry--

Dodger: "Fine, kid, if you wanna go, go. No one's forcing you. Walk out on me if you like. If you hurry, you can catch up with Christie Brinkley."

Fagin: *sigh* "So that's where you've been, Oliver. You're doing well for yourself. Hey, wait a minute! We're saved! Huzzah for felonies!"

Jenny: "Oliver's been kidnapped! Come on, Georgette. Let's rescue him!"

Fagin: "You're Oliver's owner? The big blue eyes. The piggy bank. Sigh. I can't resist the pathos. Okay, here's your cat."

Sykes: "Yoink. Consider our account closed."

Jenny: "Help! Save me!"

Fagin: "Come on, guys!"

Oliver: "..."

Jenny: "Oliver? Oliver?!"

Oliver: "Mew!"

Jenny: "Oliver, you're alive!"

Lucky: "Eh. It's been done."

All: "Happy birthday, Jenny!"

Sadako: "A birthday attended by a bum who doesn't pay his debts, feral dogs, and the hired help. I think this is creepier than the time my parents hired David Friedman to be the clown at my party when I turned six."

Dodger: "Later, kid. We'll save a spot for you. Uptown chapter!"

All: "Why should we worry? Why should we caaaaare?"

As Retold by Sadako: Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret

2010-10-11T08:41:00.001-04:00

I actually didn't write a new blog post for this week, so I'm reposting this one. Since it was banned book week...not that long ago, and plus one of my loyal readers requested a Judy Blume book for banned book week. (Posting an old one about a week after that time period is a little half assed, but I figured I'd go with it.) Enjoy, and I promise to do an actual post for next time.

Growing up in this culture, I don't think I quite understood what it meant to be a girl. I came late to clothing and makeup, getting my period didn't mean anything to me, and I only get a C- in bitchery. That's why I had Judy Blume, to teach me what it meant to be a girl/woman in American culture. So, let's do a few selected (retold) readings of Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, the book that is essentially a love letter to menstruation. Let's see what we can learn about being a preteen girl.

Be proud of your body!

"Oh, you're still flat," Nancy said when she saw me changing into my bathing suit. "You haven't got your period yet, have you? I bet you haven't even had a yeast infection."

I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. "I'm growing already," Nancy continued. "I haven't gotten my period but I'm already getting a viscous vaginal discharge associated with ovulation. And I almost had a UTI once, too."

At school, Nancy and I were in the same class. The first day I saw a tall girl who I thought was the teacher. She was really pretty and she was wearing a bra--a big one. I stared at her bra through the shirt but I couldn't figure out the exact size. (Later, Nancy told me it was a 36B--she was sitting closer and had managed to get close enough to read the tag that was just sticking out.) The girl's name was Laura Danker. For some reason, she seemed shy and didn't talk to anyone.

You don't have anything unless you have your friends!

Nancy, and her friends, Gretchen, Janie, and I all met at Nancy's house after school to form a club.

"Did you see Laura Danker?" giggled Nancy. "You stay away from her--she has a bad reputation. Men can't help looking at her."

"But do you think she looks that way on purpose?" I asked.

The others laughed. "Oh, Margaret," said Nancy. "She's not like an actual person--she's a dumping ground for our insecurities."

I stayed quiet then.

"Let's come up with rules," said Nancy. We'll call ourselves the Pre-Teen Sensations. Or PTS's. That's a great name because it rhymes with PMS--the most glorious time in a woman's life. Now, the first rule: we have to wear bras every day."

Gretchen added, "We never wear a tank top more than twice in a row."

Nancy interrupted, "We also make a pact to recite our mantra--We must we must increase our bust every day. But we also resolve not to get a cup size bigger than any of the other PTS's. Or risk being called a slut."

Menstruation is marvelous!

I found out that Nancy and Gretchen had already gotten their periods. It wasn't fair, I thought. I couldn't be the last one, God, I just couldn't! Later, Nancy's family took me on a trip into the city. We had dinner and then Nancy and I went to the bathroom together.

Nancy suddenly locked herself in the bathroom stall, crying. "Get my mother!" she yelled.

"She's getting her period," Nancy's mother told me after she'd spoken to Nancy. I must have looked strange because she explained, "It's her first time."

"Where are the unicorns and glitter?!" I heard Nancy cry.

I couldn't believe it. Nancy had lied about getting her period! And if I hadn't been here, I would never have known.

Another screech came from the bathroom stall. "And why aren't the bloodclots accompanied by a capella bursts of Girl you'll be a woman soon!"

Sometimes all is not what we think it is!

Laura Danker and I were in the same group for our final class project. I couldn't believe it. Nancy had told me all about how Laura, Nancy's brother, and his friend Moose went behind the A&P. It was disgusting. One day when Laura and I were taking notes in the library, Laura told me not to copy word for word. "We'll get in trouble if our report is plagiarized."

"Laura, you ignorant slut!" I said to her.

"Excuse me?"

"You go behind the A&P with Moose and Evan. And you're practically a 36C! You're almost a D! Couldn't you show a little shame and stick to a B cup while we're in sixth grade? And do you have to have the perfect body and face? Couldn't you be a butterface or something? It's not fair how all the guys want to dance with you and not with the rest of us during square dancing!"

"You liar! You...pig!" Laura stared at me, in shock. "You think it's fun being stared at and called a slut for having huge breasts?"

"Well. Yeah. Isn't that the point of being a girl?"

"I'd gladly trade places with you," Laura told me. Then she stormed off while I tried to apologize. Later I found out from Moose that it was all lies, about Laura and the A&P. I felt bad for making fun of Laura. I'd learned an important lesson that day. Only gossip about girls behind they're back if you're sure--and I mean absolutely sure--they do bad things with boys.

Good things come to those who wait!

It was right after I found out about Laura that I got my period! I was so relieved. I wasn't the last one in my group! There was still Janie. Poor flat, uterus-lining challenged Janie, I thought to myself. It was so wonderful to have a friend less developed than me, whom I could brag to about having the right brand of pad--Teenage Softies, of course.

I was so glad to have gotten my period before I left for camp. Now there would be shorts to worry about ruining, cramps to agonize over, and there would be an increased chance of being attacked and eaten by bears on nature hikes. Thank you, God, thank you.

Movies in a Minute: Mamma Mia!

2010-10-07T11:00:00.001-04:00

I finally got around to snarking it! Mamma Mia, or the musical I like to refer to as a disco infused Maury Povich paternity test episode.

Friend #1: "Sophie, you're getting married! Isn't it wonderful?"

Friend #2: "And you're getting married in Greece, the most romantic place ever according to Travel magazine and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!"

Sophie: "There's just one thing. I read my mom's diary. Twenty years ago when my mom was ovulating, she decided to maximize her evolutionary potential with three mates."

Friends: "Whoa. Sophie!"

Sophie: "So I invited all three of my possible dads to come to my wedding so one of them can give me away. I'm not sure which one of them is my dad but I'm sure we can resolve that little issue in two acts. Come on, let's sing about my dad. Honey, honey, touch me baby..."

All: "Honey honey, how you thrill me...the way that you kiss good night, the way that you hold me tight, I feel like I wanna sing, when you do your...thing!"

Dr. Freud: "So tell me about your formative years."

Donna: "Rosie, my dowdy feminist friend! Tanya, my wild plastic surgery addicted friend! Welcome to my daughter's wedding!"

Sam, Bill, Harry: "Hello."

Sophie: "My mom doesn't know you guys are here. Why don't you hang out here without letting her know you've arrived? If you get bored there's a chapter of the organization Men With Dull Monosyllabic Names you could visit."

Donna: "Uh oh. Three one night stands from my past! I've been cheated by you and I think you know when..."

Sadako: "Funny how this talk of betrayal didn't make it into your journal."

Sam, Bill, Harry: "Hello, Donna."

Sam: "Don't worry. We know you're planning a wedding and we won't be any trouble. Harry's just on holiday and Bill's always up for a good adventure."

Donna: "And what about you?"

Sam: "I'm the Pierce Brosnan character and therefore the only legitimate love interest."

Donna: *sob*

Rosie: "Donna? What is it? Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong..."

Donna: "Um, well, my daughter's three possible dads are here..."

Tanya: "Three possible dads? You minx! Remember the old days? Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!"

Benny Andersson: "Do you enjoy the timeless classical disco stylings of ABBA? Order now and these can all be yours.

Sophie: "My three dads, don't go! Let's sing a song about you courting my mom."

Benny Andersson: "But wait! Order in the next five minutes and we'll throw in the filler songs that no one really likes."

All: "I can still recall our last summer..."

Harry: "I remember when I traded my Johnny Rotten t-shirt for a guitar for your mom."

Bill: "Ah, and flower power. That was big back in that nebulous vague period of time we all grew up in."

Sky: "Hey, Sophie. We're forty five minutes into this movie, and I figured I'd show up to remind everyone I'm your fiance."

Sophie: "Sky! Growing up fatherless has prompted me to obsessively imprint on the first man who shows me attention. You love me, Sky, right? I need validation and an excuse for a song about co-dependency."

Sky: "Don't goooo wasting your emooootion..."

Sophie: "I feel a kind of fear, when I don't have you near, unsatisfied, I skip my pride, I beg you, dear..."

Donna: "Who wants to hear another timeless classic from the golden days of disco? I mean, have a bachelorette party."

Sophie: "I just wish I knew who my dad was."

All: "Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight!"

Sadako: "I'm not sure this movie could get any more incestuous unless John Philips was invited to write a few extra songs."

Bill: "So how'd your mom get the money for this place?"

Sophie: "My mom lived with an old lady named Sofia when I was little. She left her the money to start this place up."

Bill: "My great aunt Sofia? But I heard that her money went to family. Wait a minute. How old are you?"

Sophie: "Twenty."

Bill: "Um. Will you excuse me a second?"

Sadako: "I know we're meant to think Bill is pondering whether or not he'd make a good dad, but I'd also like to think he's wondering about the society of homeless cats that would rightfully have gotten that money if Donna hadn't convinced Aunt Sofia she was the mother of Bill's love child."

Sophie: "Do you have kids, Harry?"

Harry: "No. Can we stop pretending it's meant to be a big revelation when you find out I'm gay?"

Bill: "I'm your dad! Don't worry, I'll give you away at your wedding."

Sam: "Me too!"

Harry: "Me too!"

Sadako: "Peer pressure rears its ugly head."

Sophie: "Sky? I have to tell you something. I have three possible dads and I invited--"

Sadako: "Yes, yes, we've all heard Honey Honey and been paying somewhat close attention to the plot."

Sky: "You did what?! Was this big white wedding just an excuse to find your father?"

Sophie: "No! I also thought it might launch a reality show that would be good publicity for my mom's hotel."

Sam: "Donna, this wedding's a mistake. Sophie's just doing it because she wants to stay here with you when she should be out on her own. Maybe if she thought she wasn't leaving you here on your own..."

Donna: "Shut up! I love being on my own! I'm free and I'm single and it's great!"

Sadako: "Uh oh. An unmarried woman proclaims that singlehood is a good thing? Cue the lonely woman on the verge of crying into her strawberry mocha ice cream about wishing she had a man sequence."

Sam: "Donna, I wish I could say this in words, but I need the haunting crescendo of a synthesizer to express my feelings. Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood. It used to feel so nice, it used to be so good..."

Donna: "So when you're near me darling can't you hear me S.O.S..."

Sadako: "Nothing more poignant than angst over a romance that happened twenty years and was wedged in between hook ups with Colin Firth and a hot Swede."

Pepper: "Come on, Tanya, let's hook up. It's always been my dream to hook up with a wealthy white lady."

Tanya: "Does your mother know..."

Pepper: "She's cool with it as long as you don't know what pre-nup means."

Sophie: "Mom, would you give me away at my wedding?"

Sadako: "That's sweet, but is the aisle of your tiny, quaint Greek chapel wide enough to accommodate four?"

Harry: "Wasn't I supposed to do something?"

Bill: "Me too. Was it seduce the dowdy feminist friend or walk my daughter down the aisle?"

Sky: "Sophie? Aren't we supposed to be pissed at each other based on the last time we saw each other?"

Sophie: "No, the drama's shifted to everyone publicly wondering who my daddy is."

Donna: "I just don't know!"

Sadako: "That's not what you told Aunt Sofia all those years ago when you were angling for the cash for a Greek Motel 6!"

Sophie: "Mom, you're my mother, and I love you, even if you've slept with hundreds of men."

Donna: "Aw. I'm not a slut, though, middle aged members of the audience--feel free to continue to identify with me."

Sam: "I don't mind being a 33% shareholder in the corporation that is fatherhood."

Bill: "So...this wasn't a scheme to hit us up for back child support? I'm cool with it. I'll be one third of your dad, too."

Harry: "King Solomon had the right idea. Cut me a third of my kid, please."

Sophie: "Sky, let's not get married. I got what I wanted--a huge wedding that my broke mom can barely pay for, which I'm not going to use. A parenting scheme modeled after Full House. The knowledge that a hot guy wants me. Let's just go travel around the world and then ask mom to give us our own taverna franchise."

Sadako: "Dammit, the movie poster promised me a walk down the aisle I'd never forget."

Sam: "Let's not let this cute, overseas wedding go to waste. Donna, based on the brief romance we had two decades ago, let's get married."

Donna: "Are you kidding? I am not a bigamist."

Sophie: "At least one of my parents isn't."

Sam: "Neither am I. I'm a divorced man who's been in love with you for 21 years but never thought to pick up the phone. I tried to find you after I left, but you'd shacked up with someone else. So I married someone else. But now I see you gave birth to what might be my child, and we're both single, and it's all very As Time Goes By for the trailer park set. Want to pick up where we left off?"

Donna: "I do, I do, I do, I do..."

Bill: "None of that's for me. I'm a writer. I'm a lone wolf. And I've had so little character development, I've got to stuff all my traits in at once when they give me a chance for dialog."

Rose: "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line..."

Bill: "Ew, desperate middle aged cooties."

Harry: "Did I drop enough hints that I'm gay?"

All: "Dancing queen..."

Boy Meets World in a Minute

2010-10-04T10:00:00.000-04:00

Fred Savage: "I'm handing down the Savage brother tradition of the bildingsroman sitcom where a young kid matures into an adult. Think you can handle it?"

Cory: "Of course. I am...COMING OF AGE BOY!"

Shawn: "Cory, I threw a cherry bomb into a mailbox. What's going to happen to me?"

Sadako: "You'll be the sexiest thing to the preteen girl demographic since S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders made the middle school reading list."

Minkus: "Mr. Feeny, I know the answer to this one!"

Mr. Feeny: "All well and good, Mr. Minkus. But we're in high school now and everyone who isn't Cory, Shawn, Topanga and myself can join Miss Bliss and her class for cookies and apple juice before being wished away to the cornfield."

Eric: "Mr. Feeny, I just don't think I'm smart enough to go to college."

Mr. Feeny: "Nonsense, Mr. Matthews. If you truly apply yourself, you will get into a fine institution. And rampant grade inflation will take care of the rest."

Sadako: "Listen to him. He's mentored the young doctors at St. Elsewhere, most members of the Second Continental Congress, and even David Hasselhoff."

Mr. Turner: "Hi, everyone. I'm Jonathan Turner. Please, don't call me Mr. Turner--that's my dad's name!"

Mr. Feeny: "It's going to take a lot more than sitting backwards in a chair and a quirky set of neckties to reach these kids, Mr. Turner. It takes years to hone the craft. And to grow a convincing, slightly graying, mustache."

Cory: "Uh, Shawn, who is that?"

Shawn: "Oh, that's my older half brother. He's kind of a jerk."

Cory: "You have a half brother?"

Shawn: "Yeah, the writers thought it explained my angst."

Cory: "So, Topanga, for our anniversary gift I got you some patchouli oil and membership in Philadelphia's only vegan collective."

Topanga: "Silly Cory. Hippies are so season one. My new hobbies are layering my hair and whittling down my list of female friends."

Cory: "Shawn, want to dress up as a girl?"

Shawn: "Actually, yeah..."

Cory: "At last! The perfect woman! I mean, the perfect school newspaper assignment."

Producers of Quiz Show: "You guys are adorable! Edutainment won't be this much fun till a Hispanic three year old with a talking back pack arrives on the scene."

Mr. Feeny: "Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new book every six month. Yours gets a new web page every six seconds. How do you use it? To beat King Koopa and rescue the princess!"

Donkey Kong: "To be fair, some of them were using that knowledge for the worthy goal of helping me save my banana hoard from the Kremlings."

Topanga: "Cory, I'm moving away to Pittsburgh."

Cory: "No! You should stay here with me! We've been together all our lives!"

Sadako: "Let's just retcon away seasons one and two and the fact that you have more convincing chemistry with Shawn."

Mr. Mack: "Shawn, join our cult, Shawn."

Cult: "Shawn! We accept you, one of us, one of us!"

Mr. Turner: "Cults're bad, mmmkay, Shawn? If you join a club, mmkay, you're bad."

Cory: "Shawn, come on. Mr. Turner's been in a motorcycle accident."

Shawn: "No! I need Mr. Mack! Or barring that, for someone to read aloud from one of the Hare Krishna scenes in Face on the Milk Carton."

Cory: "Turner was there for you, Shawn, when you needed him. You owe him a nice monologue and a couple of tears before we rip down his apartment set and replace it with your new digs."

Mr. Turner: "But I followed all the rules! I took in a hard luck case. I made learning cool. I always wore a helmet."

Scarred Boy Meets World fans: "Where have you gone, Mr. Turner, a generation turns its lonely eyes to you."

Jack: "Hi, everyone. I'm new in town and was looking for a Philly cheesesteak, roommate, and a group of friends looking to fill the blandly cute role."

Shawn: "That guy's my half brother! His mom left my dad and he totally walked out on me for a better life! I still remember him, even though presumably he left before I was even a glint in my fertile daddy's eye."

Chet Hunter: "You should live with Jack and Eric, son. I've done a total of three weeks of parenting during your lifetime, and that's enough for anyone."

Joey Potter: "You want to fight it out for who has the worst father?"

Sadako: "I think Topanga wins. Three different dads and not one of them noticed that her older sister went MIA several seasons ago."

Jack: "Welcome home, Shawn. I hope you like it here."

Class Conflict: "ROAAAAAR!"

Lauren: "Hey, Cory. You look like the kind of guy who won't pen an embarrassing song called Lady L and who doesn't have a Neil Peart fetish. Wanna spend some time in my jacket?"

Topanga: "I knew it. All this time, you were fantasizing about someone with a normal name, weren't you? If I were an Alison, a Jennifer, or a Kelly, this would never have happened."

Cory: "Topanga, wait!"

Shawn: "Besides the meth lab next door in the trailer park, you guys were the only thing resembling stability in my life. Everything else I've ever loved disappeared after the closing credits: my mom, my creepy half brother, my off-screen sister, my mentor/favorite teacher, and even my pet pig."

Topanga: "I love you again, Cory. Out of love for you, I'm going to lead a Truman Show esque life by pretending my family, the Ivy League, and the world outside Philadelphia don't exist. Let's get married."

Rachel: "Hi boys. I'm a tall pale redhead, and all the guys want me."

Matthew Weiner, Mad Men Producer: "That's it! That's what's missing from my show!"

Feeny: "Good bye, students. As you head off into the world, some to raise awareness for the importance of naked mole rats, others to a lifetime of B list slasher movies, please look back on me fondly."

Cory: "Oh, Feeny, my Feeny."

Shawn: "Feeny, my Feeny!"

Eric: "Fa-ha-ha-eeny, my Feeny!"

David Hasselhoff: "Oh, Kitt, my Kitt!"

Movies in a Minute: Mean Girls

2010-09-30T11:00:00.001-04:00

Producer: "I'm thinking we need to fill this generation's void for a bitchy adolescent girl movie. The viciousness of Heathers plus the copious consumption of Cluelessness. Tina, I'm going to leave it to you and your writing team to come up with a great title. Something like, Girls Are Mean."

Tina Fey: "So...we're all cool with Mean Girls?"

Cady: "Hi, I'm from Africa. I'm pretty but nonthreatening."

Janis: "I'm Janis Ian, and this is Damian, the Rickie Vasquez to my Rayanne Graff. He hangs with me because Glee hasn't yet established that gay kids with a flair for the dramatic can do things beside mope and be generally angsty."

Cady: "Hey."

Janis: "This is perfect! You can infiltrate the Plastics and take revenge on Regina George!"

Cady: "I don't know..."

Janis: "Look, we're teen girls. We don't have a lot of options. It's either that or a She's All That-esque makeover if you actually want people to actually see this film."

Regina: "You're really pretty."

Cady: "Thanks."

Regina: "So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"

Cady: "Well, people do call me the Marilyn Monroe of my generation, but I don't want to brag...I'm more of the 00s answer to Jayne Mansfield."

Regina: "Want to join our group? We have no sense of irony so we basically modeled our lives and personalities on the Fashion Club from Daria. We wear tank tops no more than one day a week and jeans and sweatpants are for Fridays only. I'm the Sandy of the group, that's Gretchen Wieners, my little punching bag. Here's Karen, who gives the term pretty vacant new meaning. We were looking for an opening for a Quinn Morgandorffer esque character."

Gretchen: "Ugh, I hate my thighs."

Karen: "My hips are huge."

Cady: I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there are a lot of other things that can be wrong with your body.

Sadako: "Like nail beds that spontaneously generate profanity when you're in court?"

Janis: "So, dish."

Cady: "They have this book called the Burn Book where they make fun of everyone in school."

Janis: "What'd they say about me?"

Cady: "Oh, um...uh...You're not in it."

Janis: "Those bitches."

Oscar Wilde: "The only thing worse than being burned about is not being burned about."

Cady: In the regular world, Halloween is where little kids dress up and beg for candy. In Girl World, it's the one time when a girl can dress like a sexy Finding Nemo fish or a slutty bumblebee and no one else can say anything about it.

Regina: "So you like Aaron? I'll totally make it easier for you to get with him."

Cady: "Really?"

Regina: "So sorry. My boyfriend now. I think Jason's still available, though."

Jason: "You wanna be my plus one for the Midnight Society gala tonight?"

Cady: "I hate her!"

Janis: "Come on. Let's start Operation Make Regina Fat and Unloved."

Cady: "Have a weight loss bar."

Regina: "Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! And stop taking credit for totes and O RLY!"

Gretchen: "Grrrr. Did you know that's not her real nose? She went to the same plastic surgeon as Cokie Mason's. And I'm not allowed to get collagen on the same days she does. Oh, and she cheats on Aaron with Shane Oman."

Cady: "Larry Summers was right--I can't do math. Aaron, will you help tutor me?"

Aaron: "Okay. What'd you get for number two?"

Cady: "Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!"

Ms. Norbury: "Cady, you don't have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you, you know."

Sadako: "As long as you're self deprecating about your intelligence and any deviance you have from the size two Hollywood physical ideal."

Ms. Norbury: "I'm a pusher, Cady. I pushed my ex husband to go to law school, I push myself in three jobs, I pushed Jimmy Fallon to get past his impediment of laughing through even the most tedious jokes to become a Weekend Update anchor, and I'm going to push you because I know you're smarter than this."

Janis: "Why didn't you invite me to your party, Cady?"

Cady: "Um...yeah...are you in love with me or something?"

Janis: "Sob. I learned the truth at seventeen. Nothing but liquid evil comes out of beauty queens. That's the problem with you Plastics--you think everyone's so in love with you. I have better things to do than be obsessed with you--like outgothing Faruiza Balk."

Regina: "Cady tried to get me to gain weight?! Oh, and she was never really my friend? That bitch. Mr. Duvall! Look what I found! It's a book saying mean things about everyone in school!"

Mr. Duvall: "Girls, let's deal with this burn book. Does anyone have a lady problem?"

Sadako: "No, but I have a how you say...ah yes, query if Antonio Banderas is available."

Ms. Norbury: "You have got to stop calling yourselves sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores, and there's nothing more important than what a man thinks of you!"

Cady: "I'm Spartacus. I mean, I did it. I'm going to take credit for the Burn Book."

Ms. Norbury: "Cady, you're a mathlete now."

Cady: "What?! Why?"

Lindsay Weir: "Because that's what you do to atone when you're a good girl who strays from the flock."

Ms. Norbury: "And it's the only way you'll pass calculus and rectify the sexist stereotyping you've done."

Mathletes Announcer: "Next, we'll have Miss Caroline Krafft against Miss Cady Heron."

Cady: "Miss Caroline Krafft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows and her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday School teacher. And that's when I learned the truth. Calling someone else won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid won't make you any smarter. And calling the girl on the math team we were competing against a bushy browed snaggle toothed fashion victim wouldn't stop her from beating me in this contest."

Sadako: "Though apparently it is a good stress buster."

Mr. Duvall: "The votes are in--Cady Heron is Spring Fling Queen!"

Cady: "You guys are all awesome, and I want to give all of you a piece of the never ending spring fling queen crown. Here's a piece for you, Gretchen, and one for you, Janis. And one for you, Glen Coco, for being the most awesomely named character in the movie."

Carrie Prejean: "Loser."

Rima Fakih: "You're supposed to use the title of beauty queen to spout off bigotry against minorities, tool."

Cady: "There. Doesn't a tiny piece of plastic make up for the body image issues and anxiety disorders my clique and I contributed to you having?"

Movies in a Minute: Psycho

2010-09-27T07:30:00.000-04:00

Marion Crane: "I hate lounging around in these seedy motels on my lunch break, Sam. Why can't we get married and wear flannel nightclothes in our double beds that are a chaste six feet apart?"

Sam Loomis: "I've got to pay off the alimony to my ex-wife."

Marion's boss: "Marion, take this forty grand to the bank. Oh, and then drop off my cute sad eyed beagle puppies without petting them or squeeing."

Marion: "A chance at a better life!"

Rod Serling: "And inspiration for my newest episode: The Hitchhiker!"

Marion: "Excuse me, do you have any vacancies?"

Norman Bates: "We have twelve rooms and twelve vacancies."

Marion: "It's 1960 and I'm female which means that I have the math skills of a young chimp. Is that a yes or a no?"

Norman Bates: "Want to have dinner with me?"

Mother: "NO! I tell you no! I won't have you bringing in young girls for supper."

Norman: "Mother, she's just a stranger who happens to have breasts and a smooth, supple ass. I mean...Uh."

Mother: "As if men don't desire strangers!"

Carrie White's Mother, Mrs. White: "I'd love to form a support group for parents of bad seeds if you're not busy later."

Marion: "I've caused you some trouble."

Norman: "Well, let's eat. You eat like a bird."

Sadako: "And if the eHarmony profile she filled out specified enjoys eating habits being scrutinized, you'd be in luck, Norman."

Marion: "You'd know, of course."

Norman: "Anyway, I hear the expression eats a bird is a f-falsity because birds eat a lot. But I don't know anything about birds. My hobby is stuffing them--taxidermy. Don't you just love that new formaldehyde smell?"

Sadako: "Oh, Norman, poor Norman. If you can just hold on a few decades till Michael Cera and a crew of unwashed hipsters turn haltingly awkward speech into a mating call."

Marion: "Maybe they could put your mother away somewhere. Like into one of the less urine soaked nursing homes."

Norman: "Put her away somewhere?! Like in a madhouse?! Don't you know--a boy's best friend is his mother!"

Marion: "Well, the food and heavy handed foreshadowing has been nice, but I'd better be going to bed."

Norman: "I'll bring you breakfast! What time?"

Marion: "Um. My good manners and breeding prevent me from telling you how creepy you are, so I'll just say that I'm waking up early, to go home and step out of a trap I got into."

Marion: *undresses*

Norman: "Oh...yeah."

Sadako: "I'm starting to think that Chat Roulette is a social service on par with food stamps and Medicare."

Marion: "AAH!"

Norman: "Mother? Blood! Blood! Not again."

Lila: "Sam? I'm Lila, Marion's sister, and as soon as I heard she was missing, I came straight from Mr. Hitchcock's House of Statuesque Blondes to find you."

Sam: "She's missing?"

Milton Arbogast: "Hello. I'm Milton Arbogast, private investigator. Turns out your girlfriend stole forty thousand dollars from her boss. Now, he doesn't want to prosecute. He just wants the money back."

Bernie Madoff: "He sounds like good people."

Arbogast: "I'm going to do a little detective work and see what I can come up with."

Norman: "Can I help you?"

Arbogast: "Hello there, friend. I'm looking for a girl--name of Marion Crane. Has she been by?"

Norman: "I wasn't staring at her dirty pillows! I mean...what girl, who?"

Arbogast: "I see. Now, you wouldn't be hiding this girl, would you? If she wanted you to gallantly protect her, you'd know you were being made a fool of, right?"

Norman: "But I'm not capable of being made a fool! Not even by a woman! Or one of the more convincing transvestites!"

Arbogast: "Well--

Norman: "Let's say she may have fooled me but she didn't fool my mother."

Arbogast: "Can I meet your mother?"

Norman: "No."

Arbogast: "Oh Mrs. Bates--ah! Oh well, maybe in death I'll live on as a namesake for a future slasher film character."

John Carpenter: "Sorry, Loomis has fewer syllables than Arbogast."

Sam: "Sheriff, we don't know what to do. Our PI was going to talk to Norman's mother, but--"

Sheriff: "Norman's mother? Norman's mother's been dead and buried for the past twenty years."

Sam: "Well. We sure didn't see that twist coming."

M. Night Shyamalan: "Now that's how you make a movie."

Lila: "Sam, we're going to register at the Bates motel as man and wife. You keep Norman busy and I'll investigate."

Sam: "Sending a vulnerable but spunky young girl in to investigate a potentially dangerous situation? Won't they revoke my man card for this?"

Jamie Lee Curtis: "Quiet, you, my future status as a Final Girl and Scream Queen hinge on this poor decision!"

Sam: "So...you come here often?"

Norman: "Where's that girl you came here with?"

Lila: "Ooh. Norman's room? Toys for a grown man? Creepy."

Comic Book Guy: "We prefer to call them collectibles."

Lila: "Mrs. Bates? Mrs. Bates?"

Mrs. Bates: "...."

Lila: "Mrs.--AH!"

Norman: "Heeeere's Mother!"

Sadako: "Oh, honey, that haphazard wig and hastily smeared on blush may pass for cross dressing in rural America, but you'd be kicked off Priscilla Queen of the Desert halfway through the outback for improper attire and make up application."

Dr. Richmond, Psychiatrist: "So, you see, Lila, Sam, Sheriff Chambers, the District Attorney, and the slower members of the audience. Norman killed his mother and her lover and then as a result of the guilt developed a split personality."

Sadako: "And as a result of Norman Bates, film directors everywhere confused originality with revealing that a character suffers from multiple personalities."

Norman: They're probably watching me. Well, let them. They'll see. I'm not even going to swat that fly. They'll say, why she wouldn't even swat a fly. Even if it is one of the more promiscuous species of fly.