UnSweetined: A Full House Memoir

A sitcom memoir! Most of it is about Jodie Sweetin dealing with her meth addiction. As a relatively clean girl whose drug info comes from reading rock biographies, snarking Go Ask Alice, and watching old drug PSAs, I couldn't really relate to the "Dude, I was SO tweaked" stories. But I do love the seedy underbelly of sitcom life so the Full House parts of the memoir were what I gravitated to. What does Jodie Sweetin reveal in her tell all?

• Dave Coulier ended up marrying Jayne Modean, who played older Michelle in the episode where the guys have a daymare about what it would be like if the girls were still living in the house as adults. Dave and Jayne used to get it on in his dressing room while they were engaged and sometimes he'd ask her to say "Ow-scream." (All right, all right. That last part I made up.)
  

• As we all know, Candace Cameron found religion and was the saintly one. Maybe D.J.'s goody good nature on the show was why Candace Cameron went down the religious route, while Jodie didn't. D.J. probably the only high school senior who could go to a frat party and brag about having a good time while not getting wasted, without a hint of irony. Even Brandon "Sanctimony is my life" Walsh has a few war stories to tell. Not D.J., though. (Then again, when your brother is Kirk "I'd rather be walking on water" Cameron, you pretty much don't have a choice.)
  

• Jodie on John Stamos's lips: they're wet and slimy. This explains so much. Like why the Olsen twins became the "cute ones" on the show while Steph didn't (ability to tolerate wet Stamos kisses was the Full House version of the sleazy casting couch scene). And why Rebecca Romijn Stamos became Rebecca Romijn O'Connell.

• OK, one alcohol related story. Jodie Sweetin's first drunk experience happened when she was fourteen and got tanked at Candace Cameron's wedding to Valeri Bure. Candace's reaction (in my mind) to Jodie getting super drunk:

Listen, you little wench, I put up with you getting a pretend wedding the same season I got dumped by Jonathan Brandeis. I tolerated Michelle's pretend wedding to my boyfriend. If you mess this up for me, Mr. Bear's going to become one more reason that Golden Gate Bridge needs a suicide net.

• As we all know, the thoroughly forgettable pedo meat that was the Olsen twins came to dominate the show like Cesar Milan with a beagle who's not a Team Player. I got the sense that Jodie resented not being the one that everyone considered "the cute kid." Since I didn't speak fluent goblin, I preferred the Steph heavy episodes.
  

For example, Uncle Jesse's grandfather Papouli dies? Great, shove a few onions up the Olsen eye sockets and get Michelle bawling over a relative she's met twice in her life. D.J. has to choose between two heartthrobs while the gang cleans up a playground and Frankie Valli shows up to collect a check? Okay, but make sure the Olsens get some quality time whining about making the park safe for Nicky and Alex. Bitches. Don't get in the way of my Frankie Valli experience. I gouged out a woman's eyes when she made a tiny move towards picking up her Crackberry during Jersey Boys. I won't hesitate to go medieval on your Muppet asses. (All right, I threw pieces of my tiny eight dollar chocolate bar at her during Can't Take My Eyes Off of You.)

• Jodie said that she and her mother both enjoyed meeting the Beach Boys on their many guest appearances on the show. In fact, during their first appearance, when the handlers were feeding the Olsens their lines off camera, Brian Wilson reacted by repeating the line and everyone laughed. Poor Brian Wilson. They let him out of his ten year drug addled sabbatical and he has to guest star in a sitcom episode where he's playing second fiddle to his mulletted former drummer, Mike Love, and a pair of aborted troll fetuses? For that, Jeff Franklin and Don Van Atta, I decree that the ironic punishment du jour for you shall be trapped in a windowless attic listening to the Olsen twins singing their version of Pet Sounds. There, now doesn't the concept of Danny Tanner rocking out to "My Generation" in spray on leather pants seem like the aural equivalent of nectar and ambrosia?

• Speaking of music, I do have to admit that the House introduced me to a lot of older music. Yes, I'll admit that the first time I ever heard of "Help Me, Rhonda," it was when a clueless D.J. misidentified it as, "Help me, Gibbler." And I pretty much only knew "Forever" as the song that Jesse and the Rippers do after Jesse whines about not having a hit single and the Beach Boys (who are inexplicably jamming in his music studio) decide to let him cover it. Jesse's reaction? "And you know what, Elvis never recorded anything he wrote." Then he segues into a cringe worthy impression of Elvis doing Surfin' USA, and somewhere Chuck Berry is wondering whether to pop a cap in another plagiarizing white boy's ass or to call his lawyer again.

• Lori Loughlin was apparently really cool according to Jodie. Since there were so many slender big breasted (and brain damaged) models who apparently wanted nothing more than to date Joey and Danny, Lori didn't want the girls to get any hang ups about their bodies. When they were shooting the episode where D.J. has an eating disorder, Lori made sure the girls knew that a character having eating issues isn't the same as an actress having them (unless you're on Growing Pains). In one cute little stunt, so the girls wouldn't get too self conscious about their bodies, Lori, plus Candace, Jodie, and the Olsens, came out onto the set with their chests stuffed with tissues as a joke. It's a little less funny when you take a look at what Jodie looks like now.

For the love of god, please don't squeeze the Charmin.

• Here are some things I wish had been revealed. Whether Mama Olsen was on some Thalidomide type drug when she gestated the twins, or if they were really born dead and Jeff Franklin switched them with babies that were the spawn of Satan and a jackal. Hey, it explains why at age four Michelle freed the class bird and why at age five she murdered her first pet, Martin the fish--death by bubble bath. And Papouli lived a long happy life in Greece and just happened to die as soon as he spent some time chez Tanner? Sorry, but the girl made Damien look like he was on the shortbus in terms of evil.

In conclusion? Good memoirs. Good. Not great.

In other random news, I haven't updated my other blog in forever. I'm thinking I might buy myself out and repost my old Get a Pencil and your Casebook posts in Dibbly Fresh and continue to snark TV (and everything) here on this blog which has the bigger audience.

Pop Culture Musings: Antidrug PSAs

Drugs. My drug knowledge comes largely from (where else?) TV. Growing up, we were all assaulted by drug PSAs. What did we learn? To find out, come with me on an anti drug tour of a life time.

Drug users hate being called names. They're sensitive and complex little pirates desperate for approval. Don't explain why you don't want to do pot with logical explanations--a simple putdown will suffice. Calling a grade schooler a "turkey" works--for older kids, I've found that, "weak willed cog of the machine" is great.

Lessons? Mmm, edible brains! Do we get free samples of these?

The "This is your brain" people of the 80s decided that the only thing that could make this message more effective with the kids was to make it sexier. Lessons learned: on the one hand, drugs make you a creepy little elfin pixie who takes out her rage on frying pans with a hysteria Joan Crawford reserved for her wire hangers. But on the other, drugs make you skinny enough to pull off that white tank top and pixie cut even more convincingly than Natalie Imbruglia. I'm torn.

Lesson the first. Dogs are narcs. Lesson the second, if you do drugs, you'll be condescended to by a creature who can't master the toilet. Getting an anti drug lecture from your dog is just slightly less humiliating than getting one from Borat.

If you've been to any experience where drugs are de rigeur (Woodstock, Studio 54, sitting through an M. Night film screening), block up your uterus and stitch your thighs together. No kids for you! On an unrelated note, I kind of hope this, "I learned it from YOU, okay?!" conversation crops up between Dexter and baby Harrison in another fifteen years.

According to one PSA which I unfortunately couldn't find, "Nobody ever says I want to be a junkie when I grow up." Are you sure? I like to think at least a few people had that as a goal. It would make me feel a lot better about the career paths of Keith Richards, Hunter S. Thompson, and the (soon to be) Widow Winehouse.

Lesson? If you do meth, invest in a set of eyebrow merkins. (Spock's Club is having a sale this weekend--everything from the "O RLY?" brow to the inscrutable poker faced brows.) However, the fact that my first reaction to this wasn't, "Drugs're BAD, mmkay" but to reach for my tweezer shows that I probably do need an intervention of a different sort. I never told you guys this, but hi. I'm Sadako, and I'm an eyebrowrexic.

If you do cocaine, you'll only be able to afford the sparkly be-dazzled Express dresses that cover a third of your ass. But your ass will be a third smaller because you won't need to eat so it works out okay. This ad is kind of comforting to me--party hardy coke girls wobble around in four inch heels and pass out in bathrooms. Since I live in ballet flats and with an Adrian Monk-esque fear of public toilets, it could never happen to me.

Heroin users wear sensible shoes, like sneakers, but their hair is stringy and unwashed. And they wear hoodies and take public transportation! Don't chase the dragon, kids. After all, the girl in the cocaine PSA got picked up by a limousine. Hold out for a cool drug.

The lesson? Meth < Heroin < Coke

Also, I'm hungry. Someone pass the scrambled brain, please.

Sitcom Secrets: Black Sheep

Sitcoms are cliquish places. And just as every clique has the cool kids, there's also the guy that everyone loves to kick around. In some cases, this happened off screen when actors got the short end of the stick. In other cases, characters got messed with because the writers had it in for them (See also, Meg Griffin).

Screech, Saved by the Bell

Sure, you all say you loved Screech, along with all the cast. But was Screech anyone's favorite character? For example, when you found out that the Saved by the Bell sex tape was all about Screech, who wasn't disappointed? There's no one I'd want to see a sex tape of less, and that includes Richard "Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?" Belding.

Even though Zack and Slater were up to their ears in be-scrunchied and plastic hoop earringed girls, Screech, on the other hand, sugared his churro alone almost every episode. After all, he had the sex appeal of a Cialis ad. He was nerdy, but not in an artsy Woody Allen way, and he inhabited an era before Michael Cera made awkward teenage boyishness hot. (Even Paulie Bleecker was virile enough to knock up Juno on the first go.) Poor Screech. The one time they did give him a real girlfriend, it was because he lost a poker game to Aaron Spelling.

Aunt Vivian #1, Fresh Prince of Bel Air

I loved Aunt Viv #1. She had the physique of Angela Bassett and the career aspirations of Clair Huxtable without the bitchiness. And she fired me up to learn more about black history. I think of Aunt Viv each time I read an article on how there may be black Barbies, but they've got straight white girl hair and they certainly don't got back. But after season three, Janet Hubert pissed off Will Smith and she was replaced by Daphne Maxwell-Reid.

Where have you gone, Janet Hubert, a nation raised on lukewarm sitcom moms turns its lonely eyes to you. Daphne Maxwell-Reid was nice enough but she was a cocoa colored Stepford Wife next to Janet. When I think of Daphne as Viv, all I think of is her smiling insipidly while managing to overlook the fact that her youngest offspring has the same aging disease that Robin Williams made us aware of in the documentary Jack.

In a clip posted to youtube, Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton) rants about how Janet was crazy and that's why she was fired.

My theory? She disapproved of her eldest TV son's dalliances with certain creepy monkey loving NAMBLA members and as a result was wished into the cornfield.

Yup, that's a young Alfonso dancing with MJ. You think it's a coincidence that Aunt Viv #1 only published her tell all memoir about her experiences on the show the year after MJ died?

Eric, Boy Meets World

Eric used to be the character with the most unused potential. He was cute and smart, but lazy. Every now and again, he'd do something to show that he was more than an adorable dumbass, like become a weatherman or date a girl with a five year old. And Eric was clearly Feeny's favorite. But when the show started becoming Boy Meets World: the College Years, the producers figured the show already had one cute floppy haired slacker and Rider Strong beat out Will Friedle. (It's those damned pouty lips--who can say no to them?)

Eric gained weight, his floppy haired 'do became shorter, spikier, and Kate Gosselin-ier and he was reduced to a barely lucid man-child spouting off Cartman imitations. While Rider Strong went on to such meaty roles as Cabin Fever and Cabin Fever 2, the highlight of Will Friedle's career was voicing Ron Stoppable on Kim Possible. Playing second fiddle to a naked mole rat--how low can you go? (Disney Fans: "How DARE you refer to Christy Carlson Romano that way?!")

Stephanie Tanner, Full House

On the show, Stephanie was the oft overlooked middle child. In her autobiography, Unsweetined, Jodie Sweetin talks about feeling like the black sheep: Candace Cameron was the eldest and the Olsen twins owned stock in a hypno toad that convinced people they were the cutest thing since Gary Coleman's kidneys started working again.

On screen, Steph was the middle child who had to resort to pretend marriages to get attention, and off-screen, after the show ended, she was the one doing drugs. Not a cool drug (i.e., cocaine and dexedrine laced ow-scream) like the Olsens or the opiate of the masses, like Candace, but meth. The trailer park drug. Where have you gone, Steph, a nation of middle children turn their lonely eyes to you.

Jan Brady, The Brady Bunch

The vintage overlooked middle child. Marcia could dump guys and undump them when her old nose grew back and the really cute guys didn't want her. Plus, she had the sex appeal to hook celebs like Davy Jones and Desi Arnaz Jr. Cindy was too little to worry about boyfriends. But Jan was stuck in the middle and she had to resort to the pretend George Glass when she wanted a date.

Eve Plumb, who played Jan, was the only actress who didn't return for the Brady Bunch Variety Hour, and when she did come back for the made for TV Brady movies, she was given the unsexy conflicts of marital problems and fertility issues. When asked what her favorite episode was, she once jokingly responded, "The last one," which apparently made fans very sad.

Did you guys know that Maureen McCormick (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia) was on Celebrity Fit Club? Under Eve Plumb's pillow, there's probably a really fat voodoo doll with a lock of Maureen's long annoyingly straight blond hair.

Assorted Thoughts

First, I wanted to mention that the lovely Nikki at Are You there Youth? It's Me, Nikki was awesome enough to post my BSC fanfic on her blog. My first ever fanfic! It involves Shadow Lake, Jessi, and a very, VERY special guest star.

Second, I wrote another, longer post which will follow this one, either tonight or tomorrow morning.

And third, awards! A bunch of you gave me the beautiful blogger award, but I already posted it.. Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for giving it to me, though. I did get another award that I wanted to spread on.

A blog award from Lauren, at I was a teenage book geek. Thanks so much. I love you!

List ten things that make you happy. Try to do at least one of them today.

1. Chocolate chip cookies. Especially crunch ones.

2. Watching clips of Ronnie Spector perform.

3. YA lit!

4. Wearing a buttload of eyeliner.

5. Obsessing over Full House.

6. Quoting and singing from Bye Bye Birdie. And this clip of Mr. Nolan Gerard Funk! (Now someone release the cas

7. Going to the gym.

8. Dog snuggies. I know, the party line is that snuggies are stupid and that snuggies for dogs are even stupider but every time I see this little dog, my uterus skips a beat.

9. Movies, TV specials, and books set in the Edwardian era. Edwardian Manor House (reality show), Gosford Park, and so forth.

10. Reading about real life murder and sex crime cases. (I'm a sick sad baby.)

Tag ten bloggers who brighten your day:

I Want Your Sass
Nostomanic
Mode a la Pie
Literary Crap
Worst of the Worst Fanfic
The Dream Machine
BSC Chronologically
Tumor Attitude
YA Revisited
ABC Not-Just-For-Kids