Movies in a Minute: Free Willy

Somewhere in a network executive's office.

Executive #1: "The writers are on strike today, so it's up to us. So far we have a rehashing of E.T., except instead of an alcoholic alien with salad fingers, we have a sober orca. Now we're coming up with names for the whale. Something inoffensive that they can't pick apart on SNL or MADtv, nothing with any sexual or drug reference at all."

Executive #2: "How about...Whaley?"

Executive #1: "Did you put ANY thought into this at all? We have to give it a real name. Okay, um...Whale...Whaley...um....Willy! See? Now that's an original name."

Executive #2: "Free Willy. I don't see any problems with that. Why do the writers give me such agita about coming up with names?"

We open on the beauty and majestic of the mighty orcas.

Orcas: "We're so freaking cute."

Whale catchers: "OK, the Whale Wars guys used up all of their stinky butter. Let's move in. Hey there, lil whale, you wanna be a star?"

Willy: "Mom? Mom? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Perry: "Jesse, you escaped from foster care and stole a wedding cake from some absent minded caterers. What're you gonna do now?"

Jesse: "I'm going to SeaWorld! Break out the graffiti and on with the PG rated scrapes."

Social Services: "OK, Jesse. You're a loose cannon. But I'm going to give you one more chance. You gotta clean up your graffiti and live with a real family. This here is Glen and Annie."

Director: "Michael? We put your character's name in a label on your shirt so you won't forget."

Glen: "Great, great. So...you like baseball?"

Jesse: "You're not my real parents! My mom's coming back for me!"

Glen: "Yeah, I know how you feel. Quentin Tarantino dropped me off here saying he'd be back with another charismatic hit man role, and it's been a whole year."

Jesse: "Ooh. Whale."

Willy: "Kid, I got issues. I get so many flashbacks, I make Ron Kovic look well adjusted."

Jesse: "I finished up the graffiti. Now it's time to move on. Take good care of yourself, Willy. I'll never see you again. Ah, I tripped over a plot contrivance!"

Willy: "He fell in! Okay, now it's Willy's time to shine."

Jesse: "You saved my life!"

Willy: "Dammit! Every time I try to savor my long pork, it wakes up and walks away. Bite off the heads FIRST."

Randolph: "What the hell were you doing in the whale tank?! Even I can't go near him and whales were my people's spirit animal!"

Jesse: "Willy and I just see eye to eye."

Randolph: "See nothing. That whale could have turned you into a low IQ Stephen Hawking, and he didn't. Trust me. You've got a bond. I know these things. I'm a Native American. See the whale lladro and dream catchers?"

Jesse: "Why is Willy's dorsal fin drooped over like that?"

Rae: "Being in captivity and knowing that whales all over the world are being hunted for sport kills Willy's soul and reason to live. Come on, let's sort salmon for Willy. It's like chocolate to him!"

Willy: "Oh, wow, more fish, I'm really impressed. Can't you get me Namu's number?"

Bad guy #1: "I hate that whale."

Bad guy #2: "Why?"

Bad guy #1: "Because he's not bringing in profits, and because I hate anything that brings joy to a small child. Laughter gives me ulcers."

Rae: "Willy's got a real bond with Jesse. Maybe we could put on a show and Willy could earn his keep, and Dial won't sell him!"

Perry: "Hey, Jesse. It's your wrong side o' the tracks friend here to provide some dramatic tension..."

Willy: "Old friends, new friends. Awkward. I'll leave you two alone."

Perry: "Wanna go with me to California? I'm in a new line of work, I could hook you up."

Jesse: "A line of work that's perfect for a supple young bruised teenager. Sounds tempting, but I'll stay here with the future Shamu."

Evil guy #1: "Ooh, I hate that whale, dagnabit! That whale is better off dead than alive. You know, on account of the insurance money."

Rae: "Willy's ready to earn his keep! We can help him do a show and he'll earn money."

Evil dude #1: "Okay, but he screws up once and he's gonna end up at a glue factory in Tokyo."

Willy: "Can I tour the Hello Kitty factory while I'm there?"

Annie: "Jesse, honey, we're so proud of you!"

Glen: "Harvey? Steve? You guys heard from Quent--oh, yeah. Knock 'em dead at the big...game?...chess tournament...tap dance..."

Annie: "Whale show."

Glen: "Whale show, right."

Kids down below: "WILLY! WILLY! We love you Willy! Oh yes we do. We love you, Willy, and we'll be true..." *BANG* *BANG*

Willy: "Nooooo, flashbacks! My PTSD, alcoholism, and anger at The Man is kicking in! I can't take it! Urge to play Russian Roulette...rising..."

Jesse: "Come on, Willy. Dance, monkey! What's the matter?"

Willy: "Something suddenly came up?"


Jesse: "You've betrayed me for the last time. I'm going to California. No whales allowed...What the--what's going on?"

Bad guy #2: "There's a hole in the whale tank."

Bad guy #1: "Then fix it, dear Henry, dear--wait, no. Let's kill Whaley Loman here and collect the insurance money!"

Bad guy #2: "Won't the flooding cause irreparable damage to our park and its reputation? Couldn't we just sell him to Troy McClure's North American Man Whale Love Association?"

Bad guy #1: "But killing an adorable orca will result in like, thousands of evil points. Step one, evil. Step two. Step three...profit!"

Jesse: "That's it! We gotta free Willy before they kill him! He's homesick for his family, and that's why he's been so angry and tormented!"

Sadako: "You've JUST now figured this out? Willy would have been better off waiting till Whale Rider girl was immaculately conceived."

Randolph: "Well. I need this job. But what would my ancestor Iron Eyes Cody say? He teared up over one empty can -- imagine how he'd feel about a bloated whale carcass? I'm in."

Rae: "Wait, you can't free Willy without Tank Girl!"

Glen: "Renegade, potentially illegal action? Parenting just got fun. Count me in, too. On the way home can we saw off a cop's ear?"

Evil dudes: "Stop! Stolen property."

Randolph: "Pfft. You can't, like, OWN property, man."

Evil dude #1: "What about that casino you own stock in upstate?"

Randolph: "I blame my spirit animal."

Jesse: "Come on, Willy. Swim! Swim!"

Generic evil dude: "Get over here, kid!"

Glen: *Punch* "That's my boy! God, I love that feeling."

Jesse: "You really do love me!"

Glen: "Ah, yes...I love you."

Evil dude #1: "Well, you did our best, and you failed. Willy's whalemeat. If you're good, we'll send you some blow hole."

Jesse: "No! It's not over yet. Willy! Come on, boy!"

Evil dude #1: "Hmmm. Let's make no attempt whatsoever to stop the kid."

Annie: "Let's make no attempt whatsoever to stop Willy from accidentally going all Catherine the Great on our boy."

Jesse: "You did it! Go Willy!"

R. Kelly: "Wouldn't this be the perfect place for I Believe I Can Fly?"

Michael Jackson: "Save it for Space Jam, Puddles. This one's mine."

Willy: "All right! We're crashing a yacht? Turn off the family friendly music, and I'm there."

Nanny Returns

Nanny's baaaaaaack. Nan of the Nanny Diaries is twelve years older and about ten minutes wiser. She's married to Ryan (né Harvard Hottie). They've been all over the world for his UN related work and now they're in Harlem, buying and gutting a four story house and renovating it while living there. Nan's working as an HR consultant for teachers ("Uh, are you guys working hard?" "Yes" "Uh...could you...work harder? Ooh, I know--I'll get you hammocks!").

Grayer, now sixteen, shows up at her house having seen the video tape she left at the X's those years ago and confronts her about abandoning him at the end of the first book. Grayer's parents have divorced, and his mom's got the cancer (except as it turns out she's faking!). Adolescent Grayer drinks, smokes, and swears (don't worry--he doesn't rat his hair).

Nan feels guilted into helping Grayer and his seven year old brother, Stilton. She poses as their mother in a boarding school interview because Mrs. X isn't the most reliable of moms these days (holy ethics violation, Ms. Those Who Can't Even Teach!). She also accompanies the boys to school events, gets Stilton to the ER for a burned hand when Mr. X's new girlfriend won't deal with him, and even parents the boys for a week when the X's go AWOL, all the while coming to terms with her own insecurities at child rearing.

At the end, there's a showdown between Grayer and Mrs. X at (for no real reason) the home of Grandma X (the terminally ill mother of Mr. X). Mr. X has been selling off most of her stuff for money. Poor Grandma X.

Since it turns out that Mr. X Bernie Madoffed away much of the city's money, there's nothing left for Mrs. X. Grayer tells her she'll have to be a good mother to Stilton or he'll cut off her allowance (Grayer conveniently has a trust fund from the rest of Mr. X's relatives).

Along the way, Nan hangs out with Citrine, an old high school friend, who's moving into Ryan's parents' old place with her Wall Street trader husband. Citrine basically lived the same life as Grayer with asshole rich parents, and is reaping the rewards of the spoiled lifestyle. She wears a Bergdoff bought, "Scorn Me, Bourgeois Reader, I'm a Trust Fund Brat" sign on her back for the entirety of the novel.

So how does Nan stack up? Internally she's as judgmental of the Park Avenue set as ever. Of course, she's too bland to do anything other than smile and nod, as long as she's talking to someone she needs to impress, and she's also a bit too egotistical to realize how hypocritical she's become.

Meet the new, improved Nan "Yes girl" Hutchinson.

Meet Ryan. Ryan has no personality other than being perfect. It's hard to write the perfect man, so Emma and Nicola sent him off to Africa to deal with grain storage issues for the length of the book, where he doesn't need to talk or act or do anything at all.

Meet the X's.





Grayer X



Mr. X with Grandma X

Introducing Citrine "Taking the subway instead of a cab is my adventure for the day" Cilbourne.

Clark, the refined, reggae loving, "Babe, your pregnancy is distracting from my first fuckin' Chagall unveiling" stockbroker Cilbourne

Let's take a look at a few scenes with translation courtesy of Sadako's chick lit translator (with help from Herb Powell).

The X's place. The fake boarding school interview.

Interviewer: "You look so young to have two strapping boys."
Nan: "Start the Botox early and then you'll have no wrinkles to erase." I know all about mocking the Upper East side set! Man, watching that Real Housewives of New York-a-thon last weekend sure paid off.

Nan's parents and their Upper West Side digs, discussing Ryan's desire to start a family.

Nan: "I need a note from my mom saying I'm not ready to be a mom." I don't have any real problems. Time to kvetch. Ooh, kvetch. Make a mental note to drop that into conversation when reaching out to Hebrew colleagues.

Mom: "You can tell him, Nan."
Nan: "I tried." But he doesn't speak whiny entitled Upper West Side Princess.
Mom: "Do you want eggs?...I could go for McDonald's."
Nan: "I live a block from every fast-food outlet in America. I came here for Zabar's." Gentrifying in Harlem is gross and greasy. Except I'm not a snob because I'm from the WEST side, reader!
Mom: "Just don't wait so long to be ready that you have scientifically induced sextuplets. What would you do then?" [Emma: Ooh, good one, Nicola! It's vague enough that it could reference OctoMom but it still applies to the Gosselins if she's not in the press when this comes out. Nicola: Plus, it's got the alliteration. Win!]

Nan dealing with the Steve the Contractor, on Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard

Things go wrong with the renovation, dear reader, oh so wrong--and no, it's not because a well meaning Nan tries to placate the locals with offerings of fried chicken. Rather, the staircase collapses, the ceiling falls in, and due to the faulty bathroom, Nan's peeing in a bucket. She takes out her rage on the contractor. Does Nan remind you of a certain rich Park Avenue older woman who underpays her staff? (Mrs. X isn't as bad as Nan, though, because she tries to stiff the sandwich platter guy, but ends up giving him a $500 Faberge egg as collateral.)

Steve the Contractor: "Yeah, well, when do you guys think you can pay me?"
Nan: "Pay you?" Dude. Rich white people get paid in connections and networking opportunities. Silly gauche contractor.
Steve: "Yeah. Because you know that fungicide put you over another ten grand or so and that's coming outta my pocket right now..." If her idea of payment is me doing her over the pee bucket...fuck...
...
Nan: "I don't--we don't have another twelve, fourteen, grand...Steve, you have a day. I need to be living somewhere in that by tomorrow night." Time to step it up and be a bitch...
Steve: "Well, I'm still waiting for the fungicide to clear."
Nan: "Then put on gas masks. Hire a new crew. Get me a FEMA trailer. Something that makes me feel just the tiniest bit like you're in his with us, Steve. Fix the fucking concrete. Anything!" ...But it's OK! I'm a bitch living in gentrified Harlem digs! Not a bitch on the Upper East Side! I'm so in touch with the people. Maybe tomorrow I'll venture into a fried chicken joint.

Nan having dinner with Citrine at her old downtown digs the night before the move to Park Ave.

Nan: "After we left Africa I swore I wouldn't sit on the floor again for at least five years, but this is on a pillow, so, all good!" Your quaint couchless apartment is so...quaint. Did I mention I'm well traveled?
Citrine: "So Moroccan for dinner is out? My god, you guys went everywhere."
Nan: "Not everywhere. And, at most, two years at a time. But it gets old. Making friends you know you'll be leaving. Never really fixing anything up. Always sleeping on rented mattresses." I'm Carmen fucking Sandiego! But like all yuppies, I almost dried up without my IKEA fix.

Nan attempts to get Mr. X to be a parent after Mrs. X has fled the apartment and Mr. X's girlfriend/fiancee leaves him and throws the kids out. Incidentally, Nan and her dog are also out on the street because her gentrified Harlem digs are unlivable at the moment.

"Take 'em to the corporate hotel in Murray Hill. The business has a suite." The CORPORATE suite. As in corporations being all corporationy!
"You need to do this. Because you are their father...."
"But you're not a stranger."
"But I'm not a parent."
"I am asking you to just give me a week. One week. It sounds like my boys feel safe with you. If you could just take them until next Friday, let me get this deal closed. I will personally come and relieve them...Can you do that for me? I'll give you a grand in cash for incidentals. It's a huge suite--Jacuzzi baths, the whole nine. Can you do this, for Grayer and Stilton?"
Nan's thought bubble: "And in that moment, I know what I'm worth. Because I care for these kids, I do, right down to my toes. But I've just learned, apparently, for plumbing I'm a whore." [Nan: Ooh. A porcelain pee bucket.]

Nan goes to Citrine's baby shower.

Nameless, faceless rich bitch from Nan's past: "Remember...when I shimmied under the desk and tied Ms. Conner's shoes together? She broke her front teeth."
Nan's thought bubble: "...I have the strangest sensory experience of the room swirling away and the eyes in her thirteen year old face locking with mine as Sarah and I bring Ms. Conner a wad of paper towels." Drink up, Judah-Ben-Conner. I really was a queen among adolescents.

Scene, weekend at the Hampton's chez Citrine and Clark. Clubbing!

Generic rich bitch: "Of course, I have the perfect Luca Luca just sitting in my closet. Now, when will I wear that?"
Nan: "It's a problem." Spending money on clothes to taunt the middle class is ruuuude. Now, dropping K's to taunt the welfare state in Harlem--awesome! But if I nod and smile, maybe she'll give me her castoff Luca Luca!

The Hamptons. In which a Birkin carrying bitch laments how good help is hard to find.

Generic rich bitch: "[My nanny] needs to be more sensitive."
Nan: "She did keep Astin entertained all day...She's a find."
Generic rich bitch: "O-kay..."
Nan: "Astin's probably overtired, that's all You know, big day in the country." (Nan internally: "I...unsuccessfully [try] to reroute into a "no need to be embarrassed tone.") I really should take down and fire the Chekov's gun that is my resentment towards the upper class by going postal on your ass. But then you people might not invite me out to the Hamptons anymore, and I'll have no excuse to work the word Jitney into my Monday morning conversations.

Nan? A lovely parting gift for the road:

When Good Whales Go Bad: the Whale Whisperer

Recently, it came out that one of the whales at Sea World killed a trainer. Since every whale at Sea World is pretty much Shamu for all intents and porpoises (when I found out, I thought it was a real SHAMu), that's how I'll refer to this one.

How are we going to solve a problem like Shamu?

When good whales go bad, there's one man who's their best friend.

Cesar hails from Mexico and is a Hispanic Crocodile Hunter for the canine set. He takes dogs who are not team players and teaches them how to be team players. His show the Dog Whisperer consists of yelling, "Get confident, stupid!" at shy people overwhelmed by their pooches. He also takes a special joy in correcting wayward Beverly Hills chihuahuas.

Example.

Client: "But Dogsy always picks out the sequined vest he wears every day."

Cesar: "Part of being the pack leader means it doesn't matter what the dog wants. If the dog wants to wear its pink vest but you want to violate it seven ways from Sunday, it should be pleased for the opportunity. Now, see what I'm gonna do here is I'm going to correct the dog, lightly, see, he barely feels it."

Client: "Wow, that's great. He's never like this with us."

Cesar: "No, don't reward yet--he is not calm submissive. Outwardly he looks calm but there is still a hint of joie de vivre in his eyes. Now I'm gonna touch him--I'm not gonna do it hard, but he knows what I mean."

Client: "Whoa. Um...now?"

Cesar: "No, you see, he's still twitching. Do you have any antifreeze?"


So what are we going to do with Shamu?

Call in the big guns.

Cesar: "So what seems to be the problem here?"

Sea World: "Uh, well. There was an...incident in 1991 and a trainer died. There was another...incident in 1999 where someone snuck into the tank and the result was a brutal death."

Cesar: "Anything else?"

Sea World: "A few days ago, there was another...incident--a trainer's leg slipped and accidentally got caught in his mouth and it seems she died."

Cesar: "That's it? Well, let's go meet him."

Sea World: "Do you think you can help him?"

Cesar: "It's not gonna be easy but yes. First, we need to project a calm assertive energy."

Sea World: "Like this?"

Cesar: "Head up, shoulders back, you have to BELIEVE it. Confidence. BE the pack leader. No, I think I'm going to have him back to my whale rehabilitation center. He's a hard case, but I think I can save him."

Sea World: "Well. OK."

Cesar: "OK, listen up. If you don't straighten up and fly right, this is gonna be you, esé, OK?"

Shamu: "..."

Cesar: "I speak to the Japanese on a regular basis, homes, I can make it happen."

FOUR WEEKS LATER

Sea World: "Cesar, I don't know how you did it, but you did! He's a completely different whale."

Cesar: "WHAT?! I told my assistants we wouldn't need to replace the animal this ti--oh, you're usin' a metaphor, esé."

Sea World: "How'd you do it?"

Cesar: "Well, you know, I put him on a different diet because this commercial stuff, it's no good for him. And I had him exercised several times a day--you gotta get 'em tired out. And of course, the calm assertive energy--that's key."

Sea World: "Uh, is the rocking back and forth normal?"

Cesar: "Oh yeah. The catatonia's normal, too--just prod him a little."

Movies in a Minute: Annie

This movie was top American director John Huston's first and last movie musical. Last? How could the man who made The Maltese Falton and spawned the best version of Morticia Addams direct such a flop? You'll see soon enough. Despite being blessed with the acting talents of Carol Burnett, Ann Reinking, Tim Curry, and Bernadette Peters, it's a helluva musical fail. But it's chock full of nostalgic goodness, so on with it.

We open in the White House, the 1930s, in a little known deleted scene.

FDR: "We're in the depths of the economic crisis. Dammit, Eleanor. I need something, anything, to get us through it."

Eleanor: "War? Government subsidized work programs? Socialism?"

FDR: "No. No, our top scientists have something even better. We've engineered a carbon based cyborg, partially radioactive of course, that puts forth unrelentless cheerfulness in the face of even the most hardened cynic. Any remotely intelligent being that comes within half a mile of it won't be able to stand it for longer than a few minutes without sustaining a nervous breakdown. We call it...Annie."

Annie: "Maaaaaaaaayyyybe..."

Miss Hannigan: "Oh god. Why won't it stop singing? Why? WHY?! I'll go insane, I swear it. I feel like Catherine Deneuve in a Roman Polanski film. Maybe if I make them do some housework, the noise in my head will subside..."

Annie: "Initiate program 8: transform menial household drudgery into high pitched caterwauling."

Orphans: "It's the hard knock life!"

Jay-Z: "Shit, that's what was missing from my latest song. Thanks, singin' crackers."

Orphans: "Let's help Annie escape the orphanage!"

Pepper: "Uh...what about the rest of us?"

Orphans: "Only Annie matters! Only Annie!"

Annie: "Leapin' lizards! I'm an emancipated minor. Oh boy, a cute dog sidekick!"

Street urchins and rapscallions: "Get lost, we're beating him up!"

Annie: "Feel the wrath of my mullet and wooden delivery! Resistance is futile, canine life form. Assimilate or die."

Sandy: "The perkiness. The spirit in the face of despair. I'm in!"

Annie: "Oops. The fuzz! Back to the orphanage with us, Sandy."

Grace: "Hello, I seem to have wandered in here by mistake. I was looking for the auditions for A Chorus Line, and--"

John Huston: "Sorry, we're keeping you, little missy."

Grace: "Dammit. OK, I'm Oliver Warbucks' secretary, getting paid 75% of what his ethnic stereotype manservant makes while receiving twice as many ass pinches. I'm here to adopt an orphan for a week so that Mr. Warbucks can show it what it's missing and then send it back to a life of drudgery."

Miss Hannigan: "Make it quick--I'm trying to make a dress out of curtains."

Grace: "Well, it doesn't really matter which orph--

Annie: "Assimilate. Resistance is futile."

Grace: "I'm strangely compelled to say that I want this one. Yeah, I don't know why..."

Miss Hannigan: "Don't! Don't take it! You won't survive!"

Grace: "I've got to, Carol. You won't last much longer with it under your roof."

Annie: "Initiate Leapin' Lizards sequence."

Grace: "What do you think of the house that Prohibition, Al Capone, and WWI financed, Annie?"

Annie: "I'll wash the floors, window, then the stairs."

Drake the Butler: "Sweet, I'm free to sexually harass four more maids this week."

Grace: "No, Annie, you don't understand...This is all for you!"

Staff: "No need to pick up any toys!"

Annie: "That's OK, I haven't got any anyway. You know, as I'm a motherless child, and no one would even care if I lived or died."

Staff: "Awww."

Oliver Warbucks: "Damned FDR on the phone to me SIX times this hour. I told him the weapon of mass destruction hasn't gotten here--oh. Er, never mind. Er, ah, capitalism! CAPITALISM!"

Punjab: "This is so humiliating. I'm not even Indian! I'm from Trinidad!"

John Huston: "Quiet, you. Mickey Rooney wanted your role. We came this close to giving it to him when he messengered over the Breakfast at Tiffany's footage."

Warbucks: "Get her out of here. She's getting in the way of soaring economic growth! Profits! Warmongering! Take her to the movies, Grace."

Annie: "You're not going to go, too? Pepper says the movies are ever so much fun."

Warbucks: "I have but one child--capitalistic enterprise!"

Annie: "That's okay. Pepper lies a lot. She probably hasn't been to a movie, either. Actually, I think it's better when you don't know what you're missing. You know, I don't have to hang out in this nice mansion. I can go home. Don't bother giving me subway fare. I'll walk."

Warbucks: "Goddammit, kid. You do guilt better than a Jewish mother whose son just dropped out of medical school to marry a shiksa named Kelly. Let's go to the movies."

Annie: "Initiate falling asleep sequence. Engage vulnerable young moppet sequence designed to tug at heartstrings of even most hardened profiteer. Initiate ticking of Grace's biological clock."

Grace: "Now I know how Rosemary felt. It's hideous, I know I should take a frying pan to it, but damned if I don't want to take the little ginger child on my lap and sing My Baby and Me to it. Please, Oliver, can we adopt it?"

Oliver: "The only child I want to adopt is baby Alex P. Keaton. NO!"

Grace: *Bats eyelashes*

Oliver: "Aww. Okay, I'll assume responsibility for the next 8+ years for a child I've barely known a week."

John Huston: "Good news, Ann. We know this musical is a little dull for someone of your experience. So we decided to put in a Bob Fosse-esque dance sequence."

Ann Renking: "Fosse-esque? Sir, I knew Bob Fosse. I slept with Bob Fosse. I helped him organize his collection of bowler hats shaped like gigantic bowler hats when Gwen Verdon wouldn't. You, sir, are no Fosse!"

Oliver Warbucks: "Annie, I really want in Grace's pants, so you're in."

Annie: "Initiate cute child wanting real family sequence. I've been dreaming of my folks for as long as I can remember. They left half of this locket with me when they left me on the orphanage steps. I'll know it's them when I see the other half." *stares wistfully off into distance till eye mechanism shorts out*

John Huston: "We'll edit that out in post."

Oliver: "I swear by your freckles and ginger complexion, I'll find your parents! And I'll offer a huge monetary prize so that your parents will have an incentive to find you. What could possibly go wrong with that?"

Oliver: "Oh. Yeah."

Grace: "It...thinks it has parents? It's becoming sentient!"

Annie: "Number five...is alive."

Oliver: "Well, let's take the kid back to FDR. He'll know what to do with it."

FDR: "Socialism!"

Oliver: "Capitalism!"

Annie: "The sun'll come out..."

FDR: "Oh god. It's become more powerful than I ever imagined. Do what you can, Oliver. I relinquish all power. If only we had a brave but put upon heroine who could squelch it before it gets out of hand. Preferably one with impeccable comic timing...I can't stop singing...come out...tomorrow...SOMEBODY!"

Miss Hannigan: "Ne'er do-well brother and his main squeeze--our only hope is this locket. You and Blondie pretend to be Annie's parents and we'll all collect the cash prize, and then kill the beast."

Rooster: "Agreed."

John Huston: "Ahem."

Rooster: "Do I have to? I mean...I've done it like seventy times already, and I don't think it's integral to my char--FINE." *Crows*

Grace: "853 couples claiming to be Annie's parents. And not one knew about the locket. I never realized how many dishonest people there were in New York."

Sadako: "You're bridge and tunnel, right?"

Rooster: "We're here to dispose of the cretin--er, collect Annie."

Oliver Warbucks: "Screw background checks. She's yours."

Orphans: "Noooo!"

Oliver: "ANNIE!"

Annie: "Initiate perkiness."

Rooster: "To deliver it into the mountains of Mordor from whence it came!"

Annie: "Initiate teary eyed sequence."

Miss Hannigan: "Noooo! I'm overcome...I'm infused with a love of off key singing and ginger children. I won't let you kill her! I--oh, what am I becoming?"

Rooster: "Looks like it's up to me."

Punjab: "Punjab to the rescue! Feel the rage of the noble savage! Oh, Annie, Buddha say that child without courage, is like night sky without stars. Wait, you said I was playing an Indian."

John Huston: "Uh, say something about the many arms of Vishnu."

Annie: "Together at last...together forever! ASSIMILATE!"