In Which Sadako Dorks Out (or My Ten Minutes with Peter Lerangis)

Ann M. Martin is the creator of the BSC franchise. But the heart and soul of the BSC is definitely Peter Lerangis, who did a book signing here in Manhattan Sunday afternoon along with a bunch of other YA writers.

As you guys may know, Peter Lerangis not only ghostwrote for the BSC, he got the juiciest books. The books where Stacey McGill pulls a Diana Ross and distances herself from the club. The book where Kristy and Bart toyed with taking their relationship to the next level (featuring a realistic teen makeout session that made MJ and Lisa Marie's look torrid). And my all time favorite, Mary Anne's Makeover, the book that (along with Natalie Imbruglia circa Torn and Mia Farrow circa Rosemary's Baby) convinced me, several times, that I could pull off a pixie 'do.

The best part? Peter Lerangis is into the BSC blogosphere, and even knows and likes my blog. Later that afternoon at home I totally geeked out like Ryce in Beethoven, screaming, "He knows my name, he knows my name" while my stuffed bears stared glassy-eyed at me.

Fun facts? Peter's favorite characters were Stacey and Claudia.

The book I got signed was a copy of his newest book, WTF, as well as a copy of an old book, Spy X: Hide and Seek (sent to me by the lovely and talented Nikki of Are You There, Youth, It's Me, Nikki).

I am not worthy! I am not worthy!

Stay tuned for another full post tomorrow! Possibly another Movie in a Minute.

Movies in a Minute: the Lost Boys

In honor of Corey Haim's passing, I decided to do a Movies in a Minute version of The Lost Boys. This movie was essentially my Twilight, except that David could so take Edward. Actually, an aging wheelchair bound Mexican prostitute could take Edward. The Lost Boys is the timeless story of love in the time of vampires, directed by Joel "Let's put nipples on the batsuit" Schumacher.

David and his vampire cohorts stalk Santa Carla with a debonair bad boy take no prisoners air that left young Sadako breathless.

Security guard: "Dammit, you kids, I told you, you're not supposed to walk around on the merry go round while the ride is in motion. Stay off. Or I'll call for back-up!"

David: "Being a teen vampire is so awesome."

Sam (Corey Haim) and Michael (Jason Patric) have moved with their divorcee mother, Lucy (Dianne Wiest) to Santa Carla, the Murder Capital of the World, to live with their kooky old taxidermying Grandpa.

Sam: "Grandpa, you have a TV?"

Grandpa: "Don't need one. I read TV Guide! You know, in between making taxidermied animals."

All: "Oh, Grandpa!"

Sam: "Hi."

Edgar: "We hate vampires."

Alan: "Here's our card."

Sam: "So...what, you guys are Ghostbusters for vampires?"

Tim Capello: "I still belieeeeeeve."

Michael: "Whoa. Hot."

Director Joel Schumacher: "Well, are you sure he doesn't need more body grease?"

Michael: "Hi...I'm Jason--er, Michael. Sorry, I pretty much got cast because I was a Jim Morrison doppelganger."

Star: "I'm Star."

Michael: "She thinks I'm cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute."

David: "Come on, Michael. If you want to be one of us, you'll have to keep up. You know, ride with us. Wear our goofy threads. Feed Bunnicula when we go out of town."

Lou Gramm: "Say a little prayer tonight..."

Joel Schumacher: "Can we work in a song that also incorporates the song title? The audience might forget."

David: "Haha! Loser."

Michael: "Let's go, just you and me!"

David: "How far are you willing to go, buddy?"

Michael: "You tried to kill me, you mulletted James Dean!"

David: "Wuss!"

Michael: "Offensive driver!"

David: "Are you as turned on as I am? Well, to the vampire lair."

Michael: "Nice digs. Hot Jim Morrison poster."

David: "Thanks. We almost went with Starry Night."

David: "Have some noodles. Oops, no, you're eating worms. Kidding. Have some rice. You're eating maggots. Heh, psych, no, it's just rice. OK, now pull my finger. Pull my--where are you going? You have to drink a bottle of unidentified liquid that may or may not be my blood before we retire to the train tracks for a rousing game of chicken."

Max: "Hi. I own the local video store."

Lucy: "Hi..."

Sadako: "Aww, old people can be so sweet."

Joel Schumacher: "OK, cute Corey, your scene's up. Go sit in the bath and lather up. Interesting looking Corey, go buy me a diet Coke, and put on a bandanna to cover up your protruding brow."

Sam: "Is this scene really integral to my character?"

Joel: "Yes. It's...an homage. To...Janet Leigh in the shower in Psycho. Now make sure you show off that toned midriff of yours, slugger."

Michael: "Urge to feed. Rising."

Sam: "No reflection! You're either a ghost in a Tim Burton movie or a blood sucking creature of the night!"

Michael: "Star? What's happening to me?"

Star: "Michael, I can't help you, Michael. Michael, I don't know what to say. Michael."

Cue love scene.

Joel Schumacher: "Can we get a little nipple past the censors?"

Star: "I'm not that kind of girl, Joel!"

Joel Schumacher: "I was referring to the shirtless poster of Jim Morrison."

Lucy: "Michael, honey. Is everything OK? Are you all right?"

Michael: "Don't ask me again about my business, Mom!"

Lucy: "I'm going to go bring some wine over to Max to apologize."

Sam: "For what?"

Lucy: "For being a pre menopausal woman with kids who didn't so much as offer a hand job on the first date? Now--ahh!"

Thorn: "Don't come in the house!"

Lucy: "Ahh!"

Sadako: "That wasn't suspicious at all."

Lucy: "Max is coming over for dinner, so be good!"

Sam: "I wonder if HE'S the head vampire."

Sadako: "Hmm, let's see. He's appeared in several scenes, none of which are in daylight hours, and he's played by a fairly well known actor, and he's dating your mother, so using Law and Order and Fright Night logic, yeah, it's Max."

Max: "Well, I'm not coming in till I'm invited."

Michael: "I did just find out that I'm turning into a vampire, but I don't see anything suspicious or weird about that. So, OK. You're invited in."

Sam: "Mom, these are my friends, the Frog brothers. Aren't they so ugly they're cute? We're here to prove once and for all that Max is a vampire!"

Max: "This is...awkward. Sam, I don't want to replace your dad. I just want to be your pal, OK?"

Sam: "I don't want a dad who's a vampire! Mom, why couldn't you have dated Bill Cosby? Even Ghost Dad would be better than this."

Lucy: "Sam. I'm a middle aged women with kids who managed to attract a reasonably attractive employed guy. I have a greater chance of getting hit by lightning than of remarrying. I don't care that his dog pulled a Cujo on me. I don't care if he's a vampire. I don't even care if he's a gay Humbert Humbert!"

David: "Initiation's over, Michael. Time to make your first kill. Vampires get to stay out all night and sleep all day. They get to wear bleached blond mullets and still look hot. Isn't it fun? Now, what color mullet do you want -- the Lita Ford or the Diana Ross?"

Michael: "I can't do it. I just can't vamp out."

David: "The Cyndi Lauper, then?"

Sam: "Come on! Let's vampire hunt. To the hideout."

Edgar: "Ah! They looked at us!"

Alan: "With their EYES!"

Sam: "Should we burn down their hiding place while it's still day?"

Edgar: "No, we practice defensive vampire hunting. Let's go back to your house and wait till they attack us at night."

Alan: "We got the one who looked like Twisted Sister."

Sadako: "So that would be everyone except Max."

Sam: "I got Bill S. Preston, Dead and Loving It."

David: "Join us, Michael. Become one of us. Be the Louis to my Lestat. The Mina Harker to my Dracula. The Blacula to my Dracula. Come on, you know you want me."

Joel Schumacher: "Okay, Kiefer, tear your shirt a little, Captain Kirk style. We need thirty more seconds of nipplage if this movie's gonna get a mention in The Celluloid Closet."

David: "My blood is in your veins."

Michael: "So's mine."

Sadako: "I don't mean to get all Ryan White on you guys, but it's the mid 80s, and are you sure that's a good idea?"

Edgar: "Wait, we defeated David, but nothing's changed."

Max: "Turns out I was the head vampire. Never invite a vampire into your house, kids. Lucy, it was you I wanted all along. I have a Peter Pan complex, and I need a mom to mother my orphan vampires."

Lucy: "Well...I could do a lot worse. At least he doesn't wear socks with sandals."

Sam: "No, Mom, don't do it! We'll be one of them and we won't be able to buy Count Chockula cereal without Max giving us a lecture about harmful stereotypes and honoring our vampire heritage!"

Grandpa: "Wacky old grandpa's here to save the day! Deus ex Grandpa! One thing I never could stand about Santa Carla, all the damn vampires."

All: "That's our Grandpa!"

Tim Burton: "Tell me again why Joel took over the Batman franchise?"

Claudia Kishi Shows at Fashion Week

Like most girls who grew up on a steady diet of the BSC, to this day, Claudia Kishi is my style guru. Sure, there's a part of me that knows that a jacket with a nipped in waist is a go to item and that a little well placed blush on the apples of your cheeks is a flattering way to apply makeup. But deep down, there's a part of me that wants to scandalize Tim Gunn. I want to wear poodle earrings with a fifties style skirt! I want to rock a Miss Frizzle outfit!

With that in mind, here's what happens when Claudia gets to be on Project Runway and decides that the theme of the line she's showing at Bryant Park will be "Stoneybrook Denizens: Through My Eyes." Every look is inspired by a particular Stoneybrookite (or is it Stoneybrooker).

Kristy

Claudia. "For this look, I wanted to update Kristy. I wanted to show her that jeans don't have to be boring. They can be fashion! Oh, uh, pay no attention to the shrill dwarf shrieking Hot plagiarizing tranny mess behind the curtain. This is NOT a rip off. It's a Claudia Kishi original. I conceived of the idea over tea with my dead grandma Mimi."

Michael: "I'm not mad about this knock off, but she mentioned the dead grandma. We pretty much have to give it to her no matter how bad the rest of the line is, right?"

Nina: "Unless her competitors grew up in an Asian POW camp or grew up in the Deep South as a black gay man, yes. It's hers."

Mary Anne

Claudia: "This is pre liberated Mary Anne, as seen through the eyes of my lovely assistant Stacey McGill. This is how Mary Anne's dad saw her, before she asserted herself and got her groove back. I wanted to show the repression with the covered hair, but also the hint of sexuality with the bare legs and the gold chain. Stacey basically conceived of this look because she lives in New York full time, and she says black is the new black. Again."

Heidi: "Nice try. Calvin pulled the same habit crap on me when the stylist burned off eight inches of my hair, too."

Claudia: "Did Calvin stick a partially chewed Milky Way in his model's one thousand dollar weave, too? Because I did that like five times last night."

Stacey

Claudia: "Stacey loves couture. So I hit up Chinatown for every Chanel accessory they had, rented Coco Before Chanel, and started welding. I wanted Stacey to walk in the show wearing the look she inspired, but she refused to shave off her perm."

Nina: "Costumey."

Heidi: "You can hardly see her front bottom. I would not wear this."

Michael: "You had a concept. I liked where you were going. I liked the journey--I'm just not sure you got there."

Dawn


Claudia: "When I think of Dawn, I think of two words: California Casual. But I don't really know what that means. I don't even think Peter Lerangis knows. So I thought harder and realized that when I think of Dawn, I think of hippies. And what's a hippie? A homeless person with fashion! I knew Dawn would appreciate it if I went green. So the shorts are an olive-brown shade. Finally, my model is frowning, because like Dawn she's angry that baby animals are being hurt in the name of food."

Nina: "I could see a real woman with hips and breasts wearing this because the tunic is large enough for what normally should be covered in a mumu or better left in Wisconsin."

Heidi: "And so practical. I think every woman would wear knee length sandals."

Mallory

Claudia: "This is inspired by that one week in middle school, when Stacey and I got Mallory to wear an oversized coat that was a hand me down from Janine. We told her big glasses would play down her huge nose, that a sixties updo would be great for her curly hair, and that huge sleeves would do wonders for her fat wrists."

Michael: "This is hideous. However, I love the styling. I have a feeling that ugly chic will be the new boho."

Nina: "I have to say. It's reminiscent of Korto's car parts look in season five. I don't want to see a knock off here, Claudia."

Claudia: *tear* "I'm sorry. I just...I'm a girl from nowhere, Connecticut. That's like a thousand train rides from New York, and I'm barely literate and I was raised on a diet of stolen gummy worms, and my parents liked my older sister better because she was better at being a smart stereotypical Asian, and this means everything to me!"

Nina: "I liked the dead gramma tears better."

Jessi



Claudia: "For Jessi, I wanted a couple of looks that really let me go outside the box, and play with fashion. Since she's black, I wanted to honor ethnicity!"

Nina: "You...really have no idea how offensive this is? And you probably won't even if I sat you down and gave you a tutorial encompassing models of color from Iman to Grace Jones. So I'm just going to pat you on your pointy, side ponytailed little head and give you an A for effort."

Heidi: "I like that it's see through. I can wear that when I'm trying to convince Seal that we need to outbreed Brad and Angelina."

Abby

Claudia. "It's athletic. It's fierce. It has a sense of humor. Um...these are Abby's idol Elvis's favorite colors."

Nina: "Cheap. Tacky. Tight. Short."

Heidi: "I was actually going to say it looks a little matronly."

Michael Kors: "Harujuku girl at soccer camp."

Claudia: "Well, I ran out of material, and I ended up just making cutoffs of one of my old jeans when Tim came in at the eleventh hour with his One more look! line. Cut me some slack. It's Abby. I came this close to doing a Shannon look!"

Claudia

Claudia: "You didn't think I'd forget me, did you? This was kind of a self portrait. I used spun candy to do the model's wig, turquoise eyeliner to do the eyebrows, and pink on the lips because my face is a butterfly rainbow creature. And I crammed in as many shades of blue and green as I could on the dress."

Heidi: "You know, I would wear this, I would. It's very tasteful. Very real."

Nina: "Heidi, you do remember that your idea of a real wedding was a white trash themed ceremony, yes?"

Mrs. Towne

Claudia: "Mrs. Towne was the woman who wanted to save money by making Mary Anne do all her work for her when she hurt her ankle. She also loved to quilt. Not many people know that after we sitters left Stoneybrook, Mrs. Towne went insane and macramed nearly everything that wasn't nailed down. I thought it was all very Miss Havisham. This is my ode to Mrs. Towne."

Michael: "I'm going to give this the kiss of death. Wearable. Where's the edginess? This is something you could see any small town American wearing."

Nina: "Absolutely. I've seen this outfit on PTA moms, on PETA protesters, on kindergarten teachers, politicians' wives, hookers. Very, very typical."

Is Claud in or out? You guys be the judges!

Psyche in a Dress

You guys know the myth of Eros and Psyche, right? No? Well, here you go. YA writer Francesca Lia Block also has retold it. If you're wondering if there are plenty of skinny beautiful girls, rock gods, and gauzy vintage dresses...yes. Yes, there are. Here's her version:

Francesca Lia Block: "Psyche was born, the most beautiful mortal ever known. EVER."

Sadako: "Um, what about Helen of Troy?"

FLB: "Try to speak a little louder, I'm a trifle deaf in this ear.

"Psyche's gorgeous. Her dad has issues (he's had her mother and sisters killed more than once). And he's a director who has her star in movies where she's topless."

Sadako: "So she's Asia Argento?"

FLB: "Her dad is dating Aphrodite, who wants him to put her in his films, but he only wants to make movies with Psyche."

Sadako: "Aphrodite, the mother of Psyche's future lover Eros? Ew, Aphrodite and Psyche's dad will get married and their kids will be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!"

FLB: "One day, a dark lover comes to Psyche's side. She never sees what he looks like, but she loves him and he loves her. Then her sisters come to her, wearing black dresses and sunglasses, criticizing--"

Sadako: "Her sisters? You mean, her sisters whom she mentioned her father killing on page one?"

FLB: "Yes."

Sadako: "Just checking."

FLB: "They come and tell her that Psyche is in love with a monster and that she cannot trust him. She tries to see who he is that night and he's gorgeous! He gets pissed at her for not trusting him."



Eros: "Don't look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

FLB: "Psyche's father puts her in a film with a guy called Narcissus. And then she dates a rock god called Orpheus who lost his girlfriend Eurydice tragically. Orpheus has dark hair, pale skin--"

Sadako: "Is too thin and has dark circles under his eyes? Sweet, FLB sexy boy bingo!"



FLB: "But Psyche couldn't be with Orpheus. She could not give herself up. Or the chance at her god, her real love, Eros."

Sadako: "What IS it with Eros? Does he have Yoplait flavored balls or what?"

FLB: "Then Psyche's sisters told her that Orpheus was dating the Maenad, a crazy rock singer, and they did heroin together...and then Orpheus died."

Sadako: "Considering death's track record, I'm not seeing the tragedy."

FLB: "But the Maenad has a terrible story, too! She had a sad childhood where her father told her she was a dirty slut and wouldn't buy her the Malibu Barbie dreamhouse even though her special pixie friend Mab wanted it--oh wait, wrong story. Anyway, the Maenad played guitar and wrote poetry to keep from cutting herself. She danced at rock shows and met Orpheus.



"But she was always afraid he still had a thing for Eurydice and knew that the only way to be sure that he loved her was to do something terrible. Something...Dionysian."

Sadako: "She made him OD on heroin?"

FLB: "Or something. Then Psyche meets Hades at a concert downtown and they make love in his home, an old Victorian building."



Sadako: "What what WHAT?"

FLB: "Hades is decadent and sexy. He owns tattoo parlors, and BDSM type clothing stores, and promotes clubs, and he's brilliant and dark and deliciously Byronic, feeds her pomegranate seeds and she feels her soul sucked by him, and she's not sure she can let him in but she wants to, and...ohhhhhhh, god, yes, he's so sexy."

Sadako: "Uh. Should I come back when you've had a chance to, um...freshen up?"

FLB: "Psyche and Hades dance and go to the beach and it's frightfully romantic until Hades stops having sex with Psyche. Psyche begins to feel insecure."



Psyche: "Is it me? I'm fashionably thin and waif-like. Is it you? Were you molestered?"

Hades: "SHUT UP! Just...SHUT UP! You're not my mom! I mean, no, definitely not. Maybe I'm just tired of fucking you."

Psyche: "We could...do other stuff."

Hades: "Girl on top? Hoo yeah!"

FLB: "And it turns out that Hades was a sweet little boy who grew up on a farm seeing animals being born and dying, marveling at the circle of life. But he wet his bed and his mom put him in diapers till age twelve and his dad liked to compare penis sizes.



"Hades' mother hated that his father looked at Hades with lust in his eyes. So she did the logical thing, beating him and locking him in the chokey till Hades ran away from home. Hades began to wear eyeliner and change his hair color, listen to loud music, set off fireworks in the desert, and tattoo himself."

Sadako: "Hades is the annoying emo kid I knew sophomore year of high school?"

FLB: "Hades and Psyche have been having lots of kinky sex that sucks the life force out of her. Hm, note to self, ask editor to come up with more mystical way of putting it.



"Psyche's rib is dislocated and her chakra is out of sorts. She goes home one morning and her mother is in the lobby of her building."

Sadako: "Her WHAT--forget it. You know what? Forget it. Getting this story to make sense is like trying to figure out when Big Love jumped the shark."

Psyche's Mom: "Don't date the God of Hell. He's terrible."

Psyche: "It's...complicated, OK? You don't understand everything! After all, you walked out on me! I don't need to listen to you!"

Psyche's Mom: "I bought you a lacey vintage white dress that you can pair with pink boots."

Psyche: *Sob* "Mama, can you hear me? Mama can you see me? Mama can you find me in the night..."



FLB: "Psyche went on living with Hades but realized she couldn't go on like this. Especially since her mother had an adorable whitewashed cottage by the sea. Every six months, she would go back to Hades, then return to her mother Demeter again--"

Sadako: "Uh, nice lady? Did you ever actually read any mythology?"

FLB: "When I was anorexic, my boyfriend and I would smoke opium on the open sunporch, where he'd read aloud Ovid and I'd think of my dying father as my stomach growled like a cat in the night."

Sadako: "That's a no then."

FLB: "One day, Psyche started working for her dad's girlfriend Aphrodite who now owns a clothing boutique where she sells gorgeous vintage dresses.

.

"Aphrodite's angry and jealous and hate filled and works poor Psyche like a dog and hurls cats at her when people try to tell her that her dresses aren't elegant.

"Then one day Psyche's all sad, so Aphrodite feels bad for her. She gives her a book that Psyche reads, and she realizes that it's just like her life. Psyche writes to the publisher and it turns out the guy who wrote it was her lover Eros. They have sex for a few months and then he leaves.

"Also, it turns out that Aphrodite set up the meeting between Eros and Psyche, then told Eros that Psyche was a manipulative man eater. And Eros believes her when Psyche lights the candle to look at him. Aphrodite did the whole thing out of jealousy of Psyche and fear of losing her little boy.



"But wait! Psyche's pregnant and the child is called Joy. Joy grows up to love Hades, too--"

Sadako: "Ew, ew, ew..."

FLB: "Or, um, not Hades, but her own evil but sexy hell god. And then Joy leaves Hades because this is something every girl has to go through. Psyche and Joy make a performance art movie starring Joy. And at the indie film festival--"

Sadako: "Roger Ebert is so inspired by it that he shakes off his paralysis to rise up and declare it the worst film since the Frank from Donnie Darko/Brown Bunny cross over?

FLB: "Eros returns and he and Psyche are old but they've still got it going on and they...reconnect. Fin."



Worst Eros and Psyche retelling ever.