Movies in a Minute: Cruel Intentions

This is the part where I confess that I was a bad kid of the late 90s. I turned up my nose at crap like Cruel Intentions. I didn't see it till about seven years later in college when I took a French lit course where among other things we studied the novel Dangerous Liaisons and watched a few scenes from some of the film versions of it.

And yes, I did end up writing my term paper on, among other things, Cruel Intentions. A movie written in English based upon a play written in English based upon a French novel. (Don't even get me started about the day we watched Carmen: A Hip Hopera when we studied the novella by Mérimée.) To quote Blackadder...university education! You can't beat it.

So, reminisce. It's 1999. Prince's song is just now becoming obsolete. Placebo is relevant. And Dawson and Buffy rule the WB with iron fists.

Psychiatrist: "And remember, Sebastian. I'm listening."

Sebastian: "You have beautiful legs. I'd love to photograph them."

Dr. Melfi: "Mine are hotter."

Psychiatrist: "Excuse me. A parent's work is never done!"

Daughter: "Mom, I didn't listen to James Lipton, and now there's pictures of me on the Internet!"

Sebastian: "Look what a rakish cad I am. Playing games with the psychiatrist's daughter. Ah. Debauchery."

Sadako: "Getting Tara Reid to take her clothes off? That's not exactly the 'Jump Springfield Gorge' of great sexual feats."

Sebastian: "Oh yeah? Well, I also ripped out a page from a magazine in the therapist's waiting area."

Dr. Melfi: "SOCIOPATH!"

Kathryn: "As student body president, I try to set an example. I'm sure Cecile will do fine at Manchester, under my wing of course. MAU! DIDIMAU!"

Cecile: "What'd you say?"

Kathryn: "I was thanking her. Vietnamese is such a beautiful language, don't you think?"

Sadako: "Well, that settles it. No one who speaks Vietnamese could possibly be evil."

Mrs. Caldwell: "I'm sure my daughter will do well to follow your example. I just don't know how someone like you could have a stepbrother like Sebastian Valmont. What he did to the school nurse..."

Sebastian: "Ah, that's me. Sebastian Valmont! Man about town!"

Kathryn: "Sebastian, I have a proposition for you. You remember Court Reynolds, my former beau? He's now interested in Cecile Caldwell. Court's a virgin hound. I want to corrupt Cecile so that she's the premiere tramp of the New York area. Turns out that Court, in addition to being an asshole, is a forty year old man with a midlife crisis."

Sadako: "Making your former boyfriend's new flame into a slut? Are you also going to break into his house and store priceless art, Professor Chaos?"

Kathryn: "Be her Captain Picard, Sebastian. Boldly go where no man has gone before."

Sadako: "Andrea Dworkin's drawers?"

Sebastian: "No, seducing a young virgin is too easy. My plan is to seduce a slightly older virgin. Look, it's an article about the new headmaster's daughter in Seventeen who's waiting till marriage. I'm going to seduce this Anette Hardgrove. I can use the free Tampax pearl that came with the magazine to arouse her interest."

Kathryn: "Fine, let's make a wager. If I win, I get your vintage car. If you win, you get butt sex with Buffy."

Sadako: "If you win, you get an awesome antique car and if you lose you get to have sex with Ryan Phillippe. Heads I win, tails you lose?"

Sebastian: "Well, I'm off to seduce the virgin. She's conveniently staying at my aunt's house."

Sebastian: "I read your manifesto, and I was appalled."

Annette: "Really? Most people praise me for it."

Sebastian: "It insisted upon itself. It...you know, it did. It insisted upon itself!"

Annette: "I wouldn't expect someone of your reputation to understand."

Sebastian: "Ah, yes. What an immoral cad I--What?! Who's told you I'm no good? WHO?!"

Sadako: "Someone who reads the script and doesn't need someone off-screen feeding her lines, like you and the rest of the Mickey Mouse club on the set of I Know What You Did Last Summer."

Kathryn: "Hey there, just showing up at your apartment unannounced with my POW camp servant in tow, to lurk menacingly for the benefit of the audience who might still think I'm fighting for truth, justice, and a vampire free lifestyle."

Cecile: "This is my music teacher, Ronald. He's dreamy."

Ronald: "I'm working on an opera on Dr. Martin Luther King. You know, because I'm black, and it's my only real character trait, and I need to remind the audience of that fact as often as possible."

Jessi Ramsey: "My brother, I feel you."

Sebastian: "Who? Who could have figured out that I'm no good. Who's reading the script?"

Blaine: "Why, it must be that debauched ne'er-do-well, Greg McConnell, star of the football team who's secretly gay and whom I'm secretly shtupping. He and Annette are both from Kansas. Why not sneak into my house tonight and catch him in the act of gay sex as revenge?"

Sebastian: "Shall we say the...stroke of midnight? God, I'm witty."

Sebastian: "Freeze, nobody move. Well, your secret's out. Aren't I just too much? And I ripped off your car's bumper sticker! Well, on to business. You told Annette about my bad reputation!"

Greg: "No, I promise I didn't! Please don't tell my dad. If he finds out, I'll never inherit Mode, even now that my brother is a she-male."

Sebastian: "I'm going to believe you. But you better find out who did it! How could anyone know what a badass I am? I've gone out of my way to keep my bad reputation a secret, you know."

Mrs. Caldwell: "It was me, little boy. Okay? I'm the only one who read the script."

Sebastian: "Aha! Revenge on Mrs. Caldwell! I'll get her! And her little daughter, too."

Kathryn: "Time for a makeout session!"

Cecile: "Wait, why?"

Sadako: "Because they just wrote in Pacey Witter, blonder and gayer, and now they need something to make the straight guys feel like this was worth it."

Sebastian: "Okay, sleep with me? Please? I'll introduce you to Jennifer Love Hewitt. And her breasts. They're real. And they're fabulous."

Annette: "No."

Kathryn: "Mrs. Caldwell? Your daughter's been dipping into your supply of dark chocolate."

Mrs. Caldwell: "How dare he seduce my daughter. Wait, I think I was a little off, Roger, I can smolder a bit more--"

Director Roger Kumble: "That's fine, Christine. Go join Swoozie Kurtz in the trailer--I had prunes brought in for a Matlock-a-thon. OK, on to the young, supple makeout sessions."

Kathryn: "Perfect. Plan in motion. Cecile will fall right into Ronald's arms now that he's even more forbidden. And in addition, Sebastian, you can also get Cecile over to our house under the guise of letter writing and then fuck her brains out."

Sebastian: "You know, you could be a model."

Cecile: "Really?"

Sebastian: "It's too bad you're not...sexy."

Cecile: "I can be sexy!"

Mystery: "Good one. The negging is strong in this one."

Sebastian: "Cecile. I just want to give you a kiss."

Cecile: "You do?"

Sebastian: "Not there. I want to give you a kiss on your bearded clam. I really am a cunning linguist, aren't I? Ooh, good one. Note to self, remember to write that zinger down in journal."

Cecile: "Your brother took advantage of me."

Kathryn: "He forced intercourse on you? He made you give him a blow job?"

Cecile: "Well, no, he...with the licking and tongue and the GLAVIN!"

Kathryn: "Silly child, rape is for icky sorts. Caddish rakes like my brother or our family friend Chuck Bass are just members of the William Kennedy Smith fan club. Now go have sex with him."

Aunt Helen: "Kids, I've got theater tickets. Off to the nursing home with you to do a good deed or two."

Sebastian: "Old lady, we played backgammon three times, and you won. Now don't bother me, I'm plotting."

Oldie: "Now, now, if you're not nice, I'm not gonna let you stay up to watch Howdy Doody!"

Sebastian: "So, I've noticed you around...would you, um...go to bed with me? Come on. You know you want to. Please? I was nice to an old person. Isn't that like foreplay to you do gooder types?"

Annette: "No thanks."

Sebastian: "Oh, you're mean! Well. I just wanted to tell you I'm going. I may go to the South of France. I may stick a cherry bomb in someone's mailbox. I may even use my slingshot on Mr. Wilson. I'm a complicated soul."

Annette: "I see."

Sebastian: "Oh, come on, pleeeaaase? I'll be your best friend. I'll explain why I have a strange bump on my head in certain shots."

Annette: "Well, OK--

Sebastian: "Psych! Haha."

Roger Kumble: "Shut up! Your motivation's supposed to be tormented and confused!"

Sebastian: "I mean, uh...Damn. Get it together, you pussy. Wow, this is a really good skin day for me. OK, seriously, this time, I mean it. I'm ready."

Sebastian: "Awesome. I bedded Annette, bought some super durable condoms for the anal sex, and I'm ready to do my sister."

Kathryn: *giggle*

Sebastian: "What the? Great. You want me to have sex with you after you've done it with Shaft? No way. This is not a dick measuring contest. Forget it. I'd rather moon around after Annette."

Kathryn: "Sebastian, you don't love me anymore."

Sebastian: "Sure I do. Our relationship is just more Boxcar children and less Josh and Cher in Clueless."

Kathryn: "Fine, but you know your bad reputation will suffer if you keep dating this Annette chick."

Christine Baranski: "Oh, you mean the reputation no one but me was aware of so far?"

Sadako: "Hey, I was about to say--what are you doing here?"

Christine Baranski: "My scenes are over. There's really nothing else for me to do but tally the amount of money they paid me for this thing, make sure I'm the 'and' actress in the credits, and mock these children mercilessly."

Sadako: "Sweet. Have a seat on the orange snark couch. Want a Mrs. Freshley's cupcake?"

Sebastian: "I don't give a damn about my bad reputation! No, no, I do. Fine. I'm breaking up with you! Because...I'm really fucked up. And there's another girl whom you don't compare to. And your pussy smells like bacon."

Annette: "Stop it! Get OUT! I can chew scenery louder than you! GET OUT!"

Sebastian: "Okay, I broke it off with her. Sex now?"

Kathryn: "You're just a toy that I play with, Sebastian. So get out of here because I don't fuck losers."

Sebastian: "Dammit. No Buffy sex. I wonder if Annette still wants to--Oh. Right. Wait, I know! To give her my journal which exposes the truth about the bet. That'll work."

Annette: "I've got to find Sebastian now that I've read this. We've known each other all summer and he thinks Annette is spelled with a six?"

Sadako: "Ah, that one Central Park corner with the vortex that draws everyone to it, no matter where they live."

Annette: "Sebastian!"

Ronald: "Sebastian! Kathryn just told me everything. You fucked Cecile?"

Sebastian: "You don't know the whole story! I mean...there was a bet...and...um...SHE did it!"

Ronald: "Fisticuffs!"

Annette: "No! Aah!"

Sebastian: "Annette, get out of the way--Ouch. Redemption hurts."

Sadako: "Death by yellow taxi cab. Only in New York."

Weeks later.

Kathryn: "I'd just like to say--NO! Sebastian's diary?!"

Sebastian: "It's a JOURNAL--er, I mean...right, dead."

Cruel Intentions: Kathryn Merteuil by KatL368 featuring Emilio Pucci dresses

Headmaster: "You engaged in a bet to ruin students' reputations? You manipulated two young girls? You're doing coke? And you forgot to ask your rich mother for a donation this year?! You're out."

Kathryn: "But HE did it, too! And committed statutory rape, and...and--."

Headmaster: "But he's dead. And he apologized."

Lovestruck Girl #1: "And he's soooo cute, but debauched. I bet I could have tamed him!

Lovestruck Girl #2: "I'm saving myself for you till we're both in Heaven, Sebastian!"

Babysitters Club Redux: Their Bad Romance

Romantically speaking, the BSC girls get around. From cute New York artists to controlling Southern gentlemen to Juilliard bound ballet dancers and everything in between, they've had more action at thirteen than I've had as a twentysomething. But who will they end up with as adults? Let's take a look.

Kristy

I foresee Elin Nordegren getting fed up with anything with a y chromosome and seeking out the fairer sex. Who will she turn to? Kristy, the world's first softball playing, baby collecting CEO who coaches blernsball to mentally handicapped robots on the side. Of course, you just know Kristy will invite MA over one too many times and then we'll see the Pink Clinker with a golf club embedded in its side.

Claudia

Like so many artistic types, Claudia's going to have a long series of lovers. She'll carry on a bisexual affair with Lady G while designing her Kermit the frog suit, and then brag to everyone who will listen that Poker Face is about her. Then she'll date Damien Hirst (the dude who came up with shark in formaldehyde).

Things will go well...until Damien wants her to submerge herself in formaldehyde and saran wrap for his next piece of performance art and he interprets Claudia's protestation of, "Humans breathe AIR" as "Let's see other people."

Stacey

One day, Stacey's mother, Maureen McGill, will take another rich husband. Maybe a doctor this time, so Maureen won't have to worry about paying for doctor visits when the diabetus acts up. I get so tired of reading about how Stacey shows up for a sitting job at the Johanssens looking like death warmed over and Dr. J works some magic on her.

Maureen will quit her job, the happy family can take all the Fire Island vacations Stacey wants want, and all will be well. Until Stacey comes home from college one day and Stepdaddy Dearest buys her a diamond ring and offers to help her shave her bikini line. Yup, Stace is a blonde Caucasian Soon Yi.

Mary Anne

Mary Anne will stay with Logan for a few years, being the lovable doormat she is. I like the idea that Mary Anne will continue to quilt, knit, and macrame her heart out. Logan will make her work fourteen hour shifts creating pet rock snuggies and bedazzled tea cozies for Etsy, screaming at her that without him and his crafty vision, she's nothing. Eventually, she'll break it off with him, all Tina Turner leaving Ike (or Rihanna leaving Chris Brown for you youngsters), and launch a huge solo line on Bluefly, featuring her signature item, a pink ensemble for Elvira the Goat.

Logan will beg and plead for her to come back to him, telling her, "Remember all the times I dressed up as the Rum Tum Tugger and we broke out the KY intense?"

But Mary Anne will snidely respond, "What's bestiality got to do with it?" and sublimate her sexual tension by spending more time at the animal shelter and Furrie Support Groups.

Dawn

Remember when Lisa Simpson's friends taunted her, "Lisa, are you going to marry a carrot?" Yes. That's who Dawn's going to marry.

She'll divorce him in two years when she decides he's not as committed to the anti meat pro vegan cause as she is.

Mallory

Mal will write children's books for a living and make a bundle outlining the intricate lives of tiny cartoon mice who wear overalls. She'll visit Gap Kids stores and buy clothes thinking how wonderful this would look on her characters. She'll go on living in the Pike household till everyone but Pow the lovable Pike basset hound leaves. Mary Anne will visit her a few times a year and sigh, pitying her.

One day, Mallory will forget to give Pow his kibble and he'll stare at her and she'll stare back, blushing, wondering if they had a Moment.

Pow will lick peanut butter off Mal's thigh while she gets drunk watching reruns of Angelina Ballerina and screams about what a hack Katherine Holabird is, and how she doesn't know the meaning of rodent kid lit. She'll ask him if her hair is sexy even though it's not long and straight and exotic like Claudia or bouncy like Stacey's. She'll ask him if her bedazzled coveralls make her look fat.

Things won't end well.

Jessi

Jessi has a long checklist of attributes in a guy. He has to be black. He has to appreciate dance.

Well, I don't know about you, but who's the first guy you think of when you think of dancing African Americans? No, NOT Alvin Ailey. No, not Gregory Hines. Ben Ver-who?

We're all children of the 80s and 90s here. I'm talking about the guy who, as a kid, taught us to moonwalk. The guy whose Snoopy-esque Happy Dance was essentially acting like Monica Gellar in a Bruce Springsteen video to It's Not Unusual.

No, Alfonso's not what he used to be. But by marrying this C list celebrity, Jessi's that much closer to Dancing with the Stars.

I admit that I mainly want to see Jessi try to take Carlton home to her extended family in New Jersey and watch him eye roll at the African art and soul food, and tell them that while Malcolm X was all right, he's no match for Bryant Gumbel.

As for Abby, if you're wondering if we forgot about you...we did.

Edited to add: Just realized that this is my 100th post. So everyone, feel free to grab a cookie on your way out. We have cookies shaped like Ann M., the Rum Tum Tugger, and Elvira the Goat.

BSC #51: Stacey's Ex-Best Friend

Tag line: "Is Stacey super mature or just a super snob?" Can't she be both, like the late Earl Warren?

In this latest adventure, we get re introduced to Laine. As you guys may recall, Laine's Stacey's New York best friend--with an edge. When Stacey first found out she had the diabetus, Laine was the cutthroat Diana Ross to Stacey's long suffering Flo Ballard. They've made up since, but based on the title of this book, I'm assuming there's trouble in paradise.

Since Laine has time off from school, she tells Stacey she's having trouble deciding between getting felt up by the Limelight bouncer or huffing glue with her boyfriend King on the A train. So Stacey invites Laine to spend the week in Stoneybrook, even though the BSC is still in school. At first, Laine's all, "Darling, I love you but give me the Dakota," but Stacey convinces her to rough it for a while. Laine spends most of the week mocking the Babysitters Club and Stoneybrook. At the Valentine's Day dance at the middle school, she's rude to her date, Pete "Man Whore" Black, and finally she and Stacey have it out. Stacey eventually breaks it off with Laine.

B-plot: the BSC throws a V-Day party for the little kids.

'Round Springfield

Stacey shows Laine around town on their way in -- they've got a train station, a library, a movie theatre, a pizza place. And life is eventful in Stoneybrook. They plan parties for the younger contingency all the time. The gals watch the home shopping network to buy nail polish and ceramic clowns. And one time, Stacey even sore a blimp!

Candace Bushnell in training ain't having it. So Stacey tries to interest Laine in such small town pleasures as leaving a white towel out on the porch to signify to your next door friend that you want to walk to school with them, watching floating plastic bags dance on the horizon, and gambling on which of the Lisbon sisters will off herself next, Cecilia or Lux?

Sleepover party--break out the Mall Madness!

The BSC along with Laine have a slumber party. Laine thinks all their sleepover ideas (makeovers, gossip, stuffing themselves) are hella lame. But soon, the gang settles in to watch "To Kill a Mockingbird"--something they can all agree on. Despite being relatively erudite, my own favorite slumber party material is stuff like The Lost Boys or Grease, so I was kind of curious as to why a bunch of teenage girls would be so fascinated by this Turner Classic.

Stacey: "Gregory Peck is SO cute."

Claudia: "Personally I love the themes of maturation and integrity."

Dawn: "Yeah, but did Scout have to dress up as a ham at the end? Glorifying the use of meat is never cool. Couldn't they have used a tofurky?"

Jessi: "You know, you don't win friends with salad. Sorry, Dawn, this movie always gets me into my kill whitey mode."



The BSC plans the under eleven V-day party. (And no, they didn't take my advice of inviting Eve Ensler as special guest speaker.)

Jessi: "Nicky Pike has a crush on a girl in second grade. And Carolyn Arnold says she has a crush on an older boy."

Mallory: "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..."

Laine: "Um, they're eight. Is Stoneybrook technically part of Yemen?"

Workin' for the maaan.

Later, Laine scoffs at babysitting and informs the crew that she's going to be working in a real store, earning a real paycheck.

Laine: "I'm working in a boutique."

Kristy: "Your boss has my sympathies." (Zing!)

Sadako: "At thirteen? Seriously? If I hadn't sworn off making American Apparel jokes for Lent, I'd be saying, what is this place, Dov's House of Polyester--oh. Wait."

Girl talk!

Laine: "I'm on a diet. I need to drop five."

Stacey: "Why?"

Laine: "I'm so fat! And my nail beds suck. You should go on a diet, too."

Stacey: "Uh..."

Sadako: "Girls, didn't you get the memo? It's only OK to be thin if you're doing it for ballet or because you love the environment or have the diabetus. The only girls who diet in Ann M. world are girls who go to the mall for fun, chew gum, and babysit for the money instead of the sheer love of kids. Or anorexic side characters who get wished into the cornfield after the first time they pass out."

Party at SMS!

Laine: "Ugh. These refreshments are SO gross. And the portions are so small."

Stacey: "Be nice! Why don't you dance with Pete Black?"

Pete Black: "Yer purty."

Laine: "Yes."

Pete Black: "So, um, the doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger out of my nose."

Laine: "You're standing on my neck. Um, it's time for a binge. I mean purge."

Hot Guy: "You're decent looking. Is that your real nose? OK, I'll dance with you."

Laine: "The neg! My mating call! Hold my Coach bag, bitches! I'm in."

Pete Black: "But I cho-cho-chose you!"

Stacey: [to her date] "Austin?"

Austin: "Leave him be. It'll take time to get over this hurt."

Breaking up is pretty easy to do. (Well, back then you didn't have to wonder about Facebook unfriending etiquette and Twitter unfollowing.)

Stacey screams at Laine for being rude to a boy she's known for less than a week. Then Laine goes back to New York that night. Later, Stacey writes Laine a bitchy letter and sends it to her, along with half of the Claire's bought yin/yang necklace that symbolized both their friendship and the essence of relationships in the 90s.

I quote from Stace's letter: "First of all, I'm sorry about our fight. I'm not apologizing. I don't think the fight was my fault. But I'm sorry we had the fight."

This bodes well for Stacey's future relationships.

Stacey: "I'm sorry for hurling my ceramic clown at your head but I'm not apologizing."

Guy: "Wait, what?"

Stacey: "I'm sorry that it happened, but I'm not sorry. Can't you understand the difference?"

Guy: "No. Is it enough to state that I won't bring home any more toilet paper with pictures of bears on the packaging?"

In conclusion, I decided to present both sides. Laine and Stacey both come off pretty badly. Each sees the other as a caricature of suburban or urban life.

Laine's vision of Stacey.

Stacey: "I bought us matching mumus on the Home Shopping Network. Claud's going to bedazzle them tonight. Told you I was still a city gal at heart! Want to see my collection of stuffed animal cardigans?"

Stacey's vision of Laine

Laine: "I will spend the weekend in this suburban hellhole, but I must have an outlet. If you don't let me mock your small town and the pitiful excuse for a date that is Pete Black, I will go insane and I will take you with me!"

I definitely missed bringing the BSC snark. I think meeting the Lerangis and hearing about all the prequel hooplah has inspired me to return to it. You'll be seeing a lot more of it!

Movies in a Minute: Grease

As promised, it's another Movie in a Minute!

Sadako: "I don't remember there being this much Brylcreem in the ocean in From Here to Eternity. Whoops. Dammit, AMC, you told me it was Classics Week!"

Danny: "Aw, Sandy, this isn't the end. It's the beginning!"

Marty: "We're seniors."

Rizzo: "And we're gonna rule the school! Go Pink Ladies!"

Sadako: "Oh, is that name of your bingo league?"

Danny: "Aw, you guys don't wanna hear the horny details."

Sonny: "Yes we do!"

Putzie: "They're talking about invoking something called Megan's Law if we spend any more time at Rydell, and I STILL haven't gotten laid. Dish!"

Danny: "Summer lovin', had me a blast..."

Kenickie: "Did she put up a fight?"

Danny: "No, I totally roofied her."

Director: "Ahem! This is the fifties! Make it wholesome!"

Danny: "I mean, uh, I stuck a Mickey Flynn in her malt while we listened to Bobby Darin..."

Principal McGee: "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."

Sadako: "Hot."

Rizzo: "Surprise!"

Danny: "Sandy?!"

Sandy: "Danny!"

Danny: "Oh, yeah, well, it's cool baby, you know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and making up nonsensical dialogue because the scriptwriter went on sabbatical for this scene."

Sandy: "What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?"

Danny: "Yeah, well, what happened to your Australian accent?"

Rizzo: "Haha. I may have binged nonstop while listening to the Shirelles after our break up, but you dated the T-Bird equivalent of a fat chick."

Frenchy: "Aw, Sandy. I know you're bummed. How about we have a slumber party and invite the ex girlfriend of the guy who just blew you off? I'm sure that'll end well."

Sandy: "Uh, I don't smoke."

Rizzo: "Loser! I bet you haven't even been to the VD clinic!"

Sandy: "Well..."

Rizzo: "Bet you haven't even had a back alley abortion in between second and third period! Or been roofied at the sock hop!"

Sandy: "Okay! I'm not as cool as you!"

Rizzo: "Elvis, Elvis! Keep that pelvis far from me!"

Sadako: "Good god, I should hope so, considering that on the day this was filmed, it was filled with forty pounds of impacted feces."

Rizzo: "Lookin' good, Zuko."

Danny: "Sloppy seconds ain't my style, Riz."

Kenickie: "I don't care that you dated my best friend. I'm all over that!"

Rizzo: "Let's go, big guy."

Kenickie: "Oh crap. The condom broke."

Rizzo: "Oh what the hell."

Sadako: "Don't act like you're such a risk taker, Ms. Hot Flashes!"

Kenickie: "Go Greased Lightnin', we're--"

Danny: "Quiet, Taxi boy. Don't stand there and pretend you didn't screw my ex last night. This is my song now."

Kenickie: "But this is my car. It makes no sense for you to sing a song about MY car."

Danny: "And it makes no sense for you to mack on a dame who I've already marked my territory on. Now go stand in the back."

Rizzo: "Kenickie, you pig!"

Kenickie: "What was that all about?"

Rizzo: "I have no idea. It's in the script, though."

Frankie Avalon: "Beauty School Drop-Out..."

Sadako: "Quiet, Frankie Avalon. You aren't half the Frankie that Frankie Valli is. Wake me up when it's time for the National Bandstand Dance."

Marty: "Too bad we don't have dates to the dance."

Craterface: "I conveniently broke up with my skanky girlfriend. Want to go to the dance and then help me pop my bacne?"

Rizzo: "Throw in an early bird special and I'm there."

Sha Na Na: "Those hippies booed us off the stage at Woodstock. But there's a reason we're here singing the hits and Janis, Jim, and Jimi aren't!"

Marty: "Ooh, isn't Vince Fontaine DREAMY? He totally makes up for the fact that they didn't send Dick Clark."

Sonny: "Yeah, if you like older guys. What is this guy? Like eight months older than me? How creepy is that?"

Marty: "I'm Marty."

Vince: "Marty what?"

Marty: "It's spelled M-a-r-a-s-c-h-i-n-o but pronounced Jailbait."

Danny: "Time to dance with Cha Cha!"

Kenickie: "But that was my date--

Danny: "This is my movie, Conaway. Now go back to pretending to be shorter than me, and if you're good, we can discuss which girl was hotter, Cha Cha or Rizzo at the diner tomorrow, Candance Bushnell style."

Kenickie: "Yes, Mr. Travolta."

Danny: "Hey, Sandy, sorry I blew you off in front of my friends at the pep rally and that I danced with another girl without even checking to see if you were OK. Here's a ring I found on the ground. Be mine."

Sandy: "Aww, I can't stay mad at you."

Danny: "Since I apologized, I think you should do something nice for me. Rizzo always used to...um...yeah, during the movies, so...come on, baby, let's get physical, physical."

Sandy: "You're supposed to respect me and tell me what a bonza sheila I am! Not paw me during the previews, you oversexed wallaby!"

Danny: "What? What'd I do?"

Rizzo: "I feel like a broken typewriter. I skipped a period!"

Sadako: "We're not watching Grease anymore, are we?"

Kenickie: "I, uh, heard you got a bun in the oven. One thing I always do is take responsibility for my mistakes. I'm gonna go borrow my brother's boxing gloves. Meet you in the stairwell in twenty minutes?"

Rizzo: "Hey, it's some other guy's mistake."

Kenickie: "What?! Fucking Travolta."

Sadako: "Shut up, guys, time for the big race."

Kenickie: "Ouch! Car door slammed on my face!"

Danny: "What's wrong? Do you need me to drive for you?"

Kenickie: "No, I'm cool, I just--

Danny: "I SAID, I'm fine with driving. Now go sit down so I can take off these lifts. Oh, and we're cutting your backing vocals in Greased Lightnin'."

Sandy: "Danny won. If only I could have been there for him. Frenchy, you've dyed your hair pink and yellow and gave me tetanus trying to pierce my ears. You seem like the perfect person to give me a makeover."

Frenchy: "Sure! Break out the Stupid Spoiled Whore playset!"

Kenickie: "Rizzo, I'm gonna do right by you!"

Rizzo: "No, it's OK, I already fell down the flight of stairs!"

Kenickie: "Hot damn!"

Danny: "If Sandy wants a jock, that's what I'll be. Woah. Sandy."

Sadako: "Congratulations. There aren't many Sandys in movie musicals, and right now, you have less sex appeal than the one in Annie."

Sandy: "Tell me about it...stuuuu-

Sadako: "Sorry, babe. Jan's the hottest thing in this scene. And not just because you're going to need an intravenous supply of Monistat after this many hours sewed into those size negative ten leather pants."

Sandy: "...uuuud."

Danny: "Well, babe. We graduated high school with no real prospects or college acceptance letters."

Sandy: "Should we see if I can get a job stripping while you manage a Burger Joint?"

Danny: "Nah, let's just ascend into the sky."