Real Housewives of New Jersey in a Minute

Caroline: "Don't mess with my family. We'll hunt you down and slaughter you, Moe Green style."

Teresa: "People make fun of Jersey girls but I think they're just jealous of our gaudy faux French chateaux and our polyester hair extensions."

Danielle: "You're either gonna love me or hate me. Or both if you had the misfortune to come out of my uterus."



Caroline: "Dis is my son, Albie. He's the only one smart enough to reliably make it out of Jersey to Fordham without the GPS, so he's going to law school to become our family's Tom Hagen one day. Over dere is Christaphuh, who wants to purchase the Bada Bing and make it into a car wash cum strip joint. And dis is Lauren who's not good for much beyond waxing pubes, but we are hurting for a money laundering front."



Jacqueline: "Hi! Meet my daughter, Ashley. She's not doing so well at school but she did get a gold star last week for punctuality..."

Ashley: "Fuck you, Mom."

Jacqueline: "Sorry, honey. Do you want a black or white SUV?"

Ashley: "Get two. I'm not sharing with CJ."



Teresa: "This is my husband, Joe. Isn't he gawgis? Joe, I need forty thousand dollars for some more aw-nyx furnishings."

Joe: "Ya wan 'em in Benjamins or Washingtons?"



Producer Andy Cohen: "Washingtons. It'll look better when you guys count it out for the bemused delivery guy."

Teresa: "Joe, I need *this* much now. Joe, come on, they're for C-cup bubbies."

Joe: "Titties?"

Andy Cohen: "Joe, can we reshoot this with a quotable sound bite? Something like, Happy wife, happy life?"

Joe: "Titties!"

Andy Cohen: "We'll work on it."



Dina: "It's so hard being a working mom these days. I have to deal with raising my one almost teenaged daughter and my career buying gold plated snow globes for celebrities. And I have to find time to wash my ugly cat. I really need an assistant."

Danielle: "Tell me about it. Let's have a botox-collagen party at my place."

Plastic Surgeon: "So, I simply place the syringe--"

Danielle: "Plastic surgeon? That's like a doctor, right? You wanna have phone sex tonight and then meet my kids? They need a good father figure--the last one was only a few years older than my eldest."

Teresa: "My daughter Gia has what it takes. She's going to be the next Jonbenet Ramsey, only classier. Jazz hands, Gia, jazz hands!"



Wilhelmina Modeling: "You want your moderately attractive ape to be a model? Um...well..."

Andy Cohen: "Throw her a bone and you won't have to take another Top Model girl on ever."

Wilhelmina: "Yes, Gia is a...um...really, really adorable little...creature. Er, how about this blender ad? Put her behind an oversized carrot."

Dina: "So there's this book. It says that Danielle was arrested for drug dealing and kidnapping and extortion and torturing someone."

Caroline: "This is not okay. We're a Godfather family, not a Scarface one. We get the mulignan to do that shady blow business for us."



Teresa: "How dare that bitch Danielle call my husband a homophobe? Joe's incredibly tolerant of the gays. He even said he thought that Vito on The Sopranos shouldn't have been tortured and killed for being gay--just sawdamized with a .45 a little."

Caroline: "My husband Albert worries about the family when he's not home. What if Uncle June gets confused and wanders in with an AK-47? Or what if, God forbid, the same deranged non-mobbed up guy who killed my father in law and stuffed him naked into a Buick, comes back? You never know. And who better to give us an attack dog than all around nice guy Bernie Kerik?"

Bernie Kerik: "Hi, I'm Bernie Kerik. The only NYPD commissioner who was also a convicted felon, so I've got that going for me."

Andy Cohen: "Caroline, you're actually friends with him? No jokes? This wasn't the work of an ambitious assistant producer? Oh guys, I think I just came in my pants a little."

Teresa: "Guys, we're throwing a party for me and the new bubbies. Joe's been such an animal in the sack since I got the bubbies. And now that I have the bubbies, there's actually foreplay."

Joe: "Can we do it now?"

Teresa: "Danielle may be a slutty hobag whose vagina is as big as the Lincoln Tunnel but I'm being the better person by inviting her to my party. So, there we were, eating oysters and makin' witty comments."

Caroline: "Have an oyster."

Teresa: "I love to swallow."

All: "Oh, that's our Teresa."

Andy Cohen: "Psst, Danielle. We got you a copy of the book. Lay it on the table in a minute."



Danielle: "Teresa, pay attention, puh-lease. Only TWO things are true in this book. The name change and the fact that I was arrested for cigarette burning a kid's eyeballs. You make it sound like I'm evil. Oh, and the nineteen engagements."



Teresa: "ENGAGED NINETEEN TIMES?! PROSTITUTION WHORE! LOUD NOISES!"

Joe: "Mmm."

Dina: "It's sweet. She's just a hot little eye-talian mama."

Andy Cohen: "Let's get a close up of Danielle's traumatized kids. Close up of the big sad doe eyes. Great. See you guys at the reunion."

Dawson's Creek in a Minute

Dawson: "Say goodnight, Joey."



Joey: "Um, maybe I should sleep in my own bed. I mean, we're going to be high school sophomores tomorrow."

Dawson: "Oh, see, you're making it about sex, and it's not. Why do you have to go and make it sexual? My idol Spielberg spent every night of his life in bed with E.T., and he turned out fine."

Sadako: "The crystal skull movie aside."

Pacey: "Ms. Jacobs? Would you go to bed with me?"



Tamara Jacobs: "Let's study first, Pacey. We'll make sex into a game. Percentages. Let's say there are three hundred girls at Capeside High. How many of those girls' bosoms have you fondled, hmm, Pacey?"

Pacey: "Um, two."

Tamara Jacobs: "Ah, two hundred-

Pacey: "No, just two."

Tamara Jacobs: "Two? What do you mean, two? I can't do a percentage of two!"

Pacey: "I guess I'm more of an ass man."



Jen: "Hi guys."

Dawson: "ATA! ATA!"

Joey: "Slut."

Jen: "What?"

Joey: "Whore."

Jen: "Okay, I admit, I was sexualized way too young, sort of like Serena van der Woodsen before it was cool, but you know, I'm a human being and I'd like to get my life back on track--

Dawson: "Whore."



Joey: "I love you, Dawson."

Dawson: "Me too."

Kevin Williamson: "Oh, crap. The audience likes it. They like it! But I've already got the main characters together. I knew I should have dragged it out. Never diverge from Cheers again!"

Joey: "I love you but the world is so incessantly complicated and every fiber of my being says to converge upon one path and yet my heart pulls me astray. Let's see other people till sweeps week."



Andie: "Pacey I don't know what's happening and sometimes I find myself talking in a rush of words, and my mother thinks my brother is still alive."

Pacey: "Andie, I can't see you anymore. You're insane, you cheated on me, but most importantly, you're the oldest member of the cast. Kevin, can we get marry her off to a Hispanic law student?"

Kevin Williamson: "To an insane asylum in Italy with you, Andie. And Mrs. McPhee, to the attic with you, never to be spoken of again."



Jack: "Hey everyone? I'm gay. But I only express my sexuality through vaguely worded poetry. I don't actually kiss, hug, or look at men."

Dawson: "Hey, Pacey? I'm gonna go over there and hit on Eve. Can you watch Joey for me? Think of her like a parking space. Just stand over her and make sure no one makes a move on her till I'm ready."



Pacey: "How you doin'?"

Joey: "Pacey, you got a lot to offer a girl."

Sadako: "And you guys pull off that conjoined twins attached at the forehead look way better."



Dawson: "No! Mine!"

Pacey: "So...should we go to bed?"

Joey: "I can't. What if Dawson goes insane and enters his Roman Polanski phase? I'm kind of his Sharon Tate, and if I leave him, who knows what he'll do?"

Dawson: "No, I'm cool. Kevin came up with a serendipitous meeting between Goodwife Witter and me that has tempestuously rocked my testosterone fused core."

Pacey: "So. Joey..."

Joey: "Wait. Why doesn't he care? People are supposed to fall hopelessly in love with me even while I'm rude and surly."

Pacey: "Dammit, Joey. I can't date you anymore. And you know why? It's not because we're drifting apart or I want us to see other people--it's because you're the shining encapsulation of everything that I know to be representative of inherent perfection."

Joey: "I know! Time to go to college. I wrote a story about Dawson and me in five minutes, I hope Worthington likes it!"

Professor: "Wow. You're hot. And talented. I'm going to offer you a research position that most graduate students would literally kill over. Want to go to bed?"

Joey: "No. That's Jen's job. I just inspire feelings of lust while putting men on the right path, whether it's Hollywood or a rickety boat."



Jen: "Why do you have such issues with me? I'm a woman. I've had premarital sex, yes. I'm not the embodiment of harlotry. I'm just a normal girl trying to navigate my emotions and sexual urges in a world floundering in its appreciation for female equality."

Joey: "Ew."

Kevin Williamson: "No, she's right. We should treat Jen a little differently."

Jen: "Final draft for the last ever Dawson's Creek which takes place in the future. Turns out I'm a single mother who's dying of cancer of my girly parts? Subtle, Kevin."



Samantha Jones: "Oh, honey, I've been there."

Kevin Williamson: "No, Jen, it's a heart stripe across your heart and at any moment, it could tighten and die. As a sexually liberated woman, you're literally heartless."



Deputy Dougie: "Turns out I really was gay, and in a daring twist, I get to end up with the only other gay character on the show."

Sadako: "Be grateful you weren't a black wheelchair bound dwarf or you'd really be hurtin' for some loving."

Joey: "Well, now that Jen's finally in her Y shaped coffin and Andie's still insane, I get top picks again. And I'm going with...hmm...the neurotic Hollywood bound director? No, I'll have enough of that to worry about in the future. Pacey!"

Movies in a Minute: The Witches

Grandma: "Now, Luke, real witches are very tricky!"



Luke: "Tell me more, Grandma."

Grandma: "They put you in old Norwegian paintings. They wear gloves to cover their long claw like hands, they have no toes, and under their wigs, they're bald."

Sadako: "Post menopausal women are scary, I grant you, but please. I've seen Devil Wears Prada like eight times."



Luke: "Mom? Dad? Hello?"

Macauly Culkin: "Say another word and John Hughes, Chris Columbus and I will cut you."

Grandma: "Luke, your parents are dead. Don't worry. You're in good hands."

Luke: "You mean you can provide for my education?"

Grandma: "No, I mean I've taught you what to do if witches come for you."



Witch: "Hello? Want a snake? Or a chocolate bar?"

Luke: "Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"



Grandma: "You did well to scream helplessly for me, Luke. Now that I have the diabetus, we're going to England."



Mr. Stringer: "Seems I've been reincarnated again. In my most humiliating guise yet--hotel manager."



Grandma: "That woman over there looks so striking. I feel I know her from somewhere."

Sadako: "Grandma, you naughty, naughty minx, were you at Jack's house, too, during that photo shoot with old Roman and Samantha Geimar?"

Mr. Stringer: "Well, ladies, let me know if you need any help with your Royal Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Children meeting."



Grand High Witch: "Ladies. You may remove your wigs! You may remove your gloves!"



Luke: "They're witches!"

Sadako: "Witches who make Large Marge look like a pound puppy. I'm taking a note from Gonzo and Rizzo in Muppet Christmas Carol--viewers, you're on your own for now. See you when the face mask goes back on."

Grand High Witch: "My latest creation. Formula 86! It changes every little boy or girl who eats it...into a mouse! Look here. I fed this disgusting, naive child chocolate with Formula 86 on it an hour ago."

Bruno: "Hello. I'm Roald Dahl's token hated fat child."

Roald Dahl: "Ugh. Can we stuff a few more pillows under his shirt for maximum repulsion?"

Bruno: "I don't feel so good..."

Grand High Witch: "He is a mouse!"

Luke: "I've got to stop them. GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDMA."



Grand High Witch: "Shut up, you're bothering me. Five hundred doses! Good, now you're a mouse. Now, for the rest of you, come over to my place to pick up your Formula 86 before dinner and then we'll reconvene next year."

Luke: "Come on, Bruno. It's all up to us to stop the witches. Graandma!"

Grandma: "Luke! You're a mouse. What shall we do?"



Luke: "We have to steal Formula 86 and put it in the witches' food. But where do I put it?"

Mr. Stringer: "Conveniently, every member of the Royal Society will be dining upon cress soup. That's CRESS SOUP for anyone who didn't hear me. CRESS. SOUP."



Luke: "Okay!"

Grand High Witch: "Where do you think you're going?"

Miss Irvine: "To the banquet."



Grand High Witch: "You are not here to enjoy yourself. You are here to work! And develop an angry grudge against me so it will seem plausible later when you try to help the muggles."

Miss Irvine: "I quit!"



Grandma: "Mr. Bruno. Mrs. Bruno. This is your son, Bruno. He needs to go on a diet. Oh, he's also a mouse. Do you want to know who did this to Bruno?"

Bruno's father: "The man in the purple top hat wearing the NO FAT KIDS shirt and muttering about everlasting gobstoppers?"

Grandma: "That woman over there! She is the Grand High Witch! Mr. Stringer, could you destroy that particularly infectious looking rat?"

Mr. Stringer: "Certainly. Baldrick? BALDRICK?"

Luke: "Grandma, I went around to the Grand High Witch's suite and had all her money and the addresses of the American witches sent to us."

Grandma: "You mean..."

Luke: "We can flush even more of my college fund down the drain hunting witches!"

Grandma: "That's my boy!"

Luke: "Grandma? Will I ever be a real boy again?"

Grandma: "Maybe the test audience will rebel and demand that you be transformed into your old form."

Miss Irvine: "Look! I'm a pretty woman now, and I'm going to turn you into a human boy."



Roald Dahl: "Is that a happy ending I see before me? NOOOO!"



Film Version of Audrey II: "Join the club. I was promised the entire earth when I signed up to make my life story. Instead I got defeated at the hands of a poor man's Woody Allen."

As Retold by Sadako: Flowers in the Attic

Hey fans of terrible writing. For my recap of this book, I decided I needed a special guest star. Or should I say special ghost star? Please welcome author and incest advocate V.C. Andrews, here to do some selected readings from her book Flowers in the Attic.

V.C. Andrews: "There was once a wonderful family of blonde haired, blue eyed people. The Dollangangers. Cathy, her older brother Chris, the young twins, Cory and Carrie, and their parents Corrine and Christopher. They were all so beautiful and doll-like that their friends called them the Doll family."

Sadako: "And here I thought such people only existed in Lladró."

V.C. Andrews: "The family patriarch dies in a car accident when Cathy is twelve. Since Cathy's parents bought everything on credit, all the property in their lovely five bedroom house will be repossessed."

Sadako: "Even the plastic on the furniture?"

V.C. Andrews: "But it turns out that Cathy's mother has a rich family who cut Corrine out of the will. The plan is to get back in the will because conveniently, Cathy's grandfather is old and dying. There is a catch."

Sadako: "Does it involve wearing hideous masks all evening in New Orleans? Sweet. I've got my Ann Coulter mask and my grand high witch one!"

V.C. Andrews: "Grandfather doesn't know that Corrine had children so until he puts her back in the will, they need to live in the attic. Their grandmother does know about them and helps keep the kids hidden. She is evil and hideous and has a stiff bosom. She also makes the children read the Bible all day long. She's incredibly cruel and, worst of all, hates incest. "

Sadako: "Dastardly. For no reason at all?"

V.C. Andrews: "Oh, well, it turns out that Cathy's mother, Corrine, was related to Cathy's father. He was her half uncle who came to live with the family when he was older. They couldn't help themselves and fell in love and were disowned."

Sadako: "Corrine never thought about, you know, getting a job, rather than putting her kids through hell?"

V.C. Andrews: "She's too frightfully pretty and terrible at typing to do anything silly like getting a job. She does her best, though, bringing the children food and presents. As the years of living in an attic pass, the children cope as best they can. Cathy turns into a beautiful young woman. She has large perky breasts, a beautiful physique, gorgeous blonde tresses..."

Sadako: "And rickety, Vitamin-D deficient legs?"

V.C. Andrews: "But Grandmother is old and hates nudity and sin. One day she sees Cathy watching herself naked in the bedroom."

Grandmother: "Sinners! You think you look pretty? You think those new young curves are attractive? How many times have you allowed your brother to use your body?"

V.C. Andrews: "Grandmother tells Cathy that she must cut off her hair. Christopher and Cathy run upstairs into the separate attic and hide. Grandmother is claustrophobic and can't follow. So Grandmother threatens to starve them out, but Cathy's older brother tells them they must hold out. Days go by and the children grow weaker. Especially the young twins. Chris slits his wrists to give the twins sustenance but it's not enough. Escape is necessary."

Sadako: "Plus Cathy and Chris are probably running low on nipple clamps and other mindless torture devices."

V.C. Andrews: "Cathy and Chris decide to escape by climbing out the attic window. Chris finds four dead mice in a trap and tells Cathy that they must eat them for strength. The prospect of eating mice is grim."

Sadako: "At least they don't have to do anything really serious, though. Like cutting a pretty girl's hair."

V.C. Andrews: "But when Chris goes down to get salt and pepper to season the dead mice, he sees that Grandmother has brought them a huge picnic basket."

Sadako: "Tell Chris to save those mice. You never know when you're going to need a disgustingly novel plot twist up in that attic."

V.C. Andrews: "Along with the food, Grandmother had included four powdered doughnuts. Even though she never gave them anything sweet for fear of cavities. But the children decide to eat them, giving the bulk of the sweet food to the twins."

Sadako: "Taking uncharacteristically sweet food from a hag who screams at the thought of uncovered table legs? I like the way they think."

V.C. Andrews: "Later, Momma returns. She has presents, and she's also gotten married to a lawyer, and she's not sure how to tell him she has secret family members in the attic."

Sadako: "That's why her engagement gift to him should have been the annotated Jane Eyre."

V.C. Andrews: "Cathy's had enough. Although Chris and Cathy have grown more and more beautiful in their years in the attic, Cory and Carrie have barely grown at all and are quite weak and sunlight deprived. Cathy sarcastically screams at her mother."

Cathy: "Look at us, Momma! Look especially long on your two youngest. Their full cheeks don't look gaunt, do they? Their hair isn't dull, is it? Their eyes--they're not dark and hollowed out, are they? Do you see how much they've grown, how healthily they thrive?"

Sadako: "Do you see? Do you see how stilted the prose of your eldest daughter has grown?"

V.C. Andrews: "Momma is angry and leaves in a huff. Chris and Cathy plan to escape now. They manage to fashion a key out of a bar of soap and use it to escape to steal money and jewelry from their mother's bedroom. They'll escape one day. But one day, Christopher sees Cathy performing ballet. He's overcome and holds her down and--"

Sadako: "He commits rape?"

V.C. Andrews: "I'd put it more like...His burgeoning sexuality takes a hold of him. But Cathy knows it wasn't his fault. He apologizes afterward, but so does Cathy."

Cathy: "No, Chris. It wasn't your fault. I'm to blame, too. I let you do it. If I'd wanted to stop you, all I had to do was hurl myself out the window to my death or eat one of the Krispy Cyanides."

V.C. Andrews: "After all, she does have such beautiful blonde hair, it's not really his fault."

Sadako: "And eyes so blue they'd drive a Toni Morrison character to suicide."

V.C. Andrews: "Then one day Cory becomes ever so sick and is taken to hospital. It turns out he died and John does some delving into his encyclopedias and the children realize it was arsenic poisoning from the deadly doughnuts."

Sadako: "Between the fake key and the medical knowledge, is Christopher going to grow up to be a sex addicted MacGuyver?"

V.C. Andrews: "The children decide to make a clean sweep of all their mother's jewels before escaping. But her mother and her new rich husband have cleared out. And while trying to do some thieving, Chris overhears the butler and the maid."

Butler: "How about a little of the old in out in out?"

Maid: "Yes. But I feel suddenly compelled to talk about our masters and betters right now. Isn't it a pity that the old man is dead? And that his daughter got everything in the end and cleared off?"

Butler: "I'd like to whisper sweet nothings into your ear involving what I'd like to do to your bodice. But instead I'm going to add that wasn't it interesting how the old man worked it into his will that if it was ever discovered that his daughter had produced children that she'd lose all her money after the fact? Even though to the best of our knowledge she never had children?"

V.C. Andrews: "Cathy, Christopher and Carrie escape the house on a train. Who knows what the future will bring for these three brave, beautiful children? God only knows."

Sadako: "Only God. And Andrew Neiderman."