Disney Princesses: The Dark Side

As a huge fan of fairy tales in general, I harbor a strange festering resentment for the Disney princesses. Disney princesses may lounge around in doll form combing their hair with plastic combs and commenting on how many awesome shades of pink there are. But when you look closer at these movies or, in some cases, at the original source material, things get a little more fun. Warning: for those of you who value your childhoods, you have the option of purchasing pwecious memory liability insurance before you get on the ride.

Sleeping Beauty

We all know the story of Sleeping Beauty. But in one version of this story, Sun, Moon and Talia, while the title character falls into a deep hundred year long sleep, things turn out differently. Her savior? Imagine him less as handsome prince with the ability to sing in falsetto...and more a horny guy in the same situation as Pinto in Animal House (except with two devils). The prince has sex with the still unconscious Talia and leaves, while she gets pregnant and gives birth to two twins, still asleep. Like a certain 90210 character, though, I suppose technically the prince didn't drug her--he did take advantage of someone else's roofying.

Here's who I cast as as Sleeping Beauty in our updated version:

Can we say date rape drug two hundred years in the making?

Little Mermaid

The real little mermaid, as told by Hans Christian Anderson, didn't get cutesy sidekicks with Caribbean accents. In addition to selling her voice for real human legs, she also experiences horrible stabbing pains when she walks. Plus, in the end, spends the next 300 years as foam on the sea when she could be kicking it mermaid style (oh, and if she's good, she gets a soul).

This makes the real mermaid the ultimate in the type of girl who does anything to please her man and look hot in the eyes of some arbitrary society (psshaw, legs? Next you'll be telling me I need to be a carbon based life form to be hot). She makes that girl in China attempting to get plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba to win back her ex and Heidi Montag look positively laidback.

Side note. How come Ariel got a lavender seashell bra that still manages some push up action but they couldn't spare so much as a couple of sand dollars for Triton?

Nala

The truth about Nala? Well, the way lion prides work is that a male lion comes in and kills all the existing cubs and then re-impregnantes the lionesses--the better to spread his sperm. There's usually only one male lion per pride because the young adolescent male lions get run off before they can compete. (Looks like Warren Jeffs and Roman Grant were big Lion King fans.) So what am I implying? Nala and Simba were half sibs. Hey, it explains why they freak out when Zazu tells them that they're basically betrothed.

If you're feeling creeped out, it's nowhere near as weird as what happens with crocodiles. They lay eggs and have babies until a tow headed Aussie comes in and jams a thumb up their assholes.

Anyway. When you think about the fact that Uncle Scar takes over the pride in Mufasa and Simba's absence and gets all the lionesses as his harem, it makes the Lion King seem even creepier. Poor Nala.

Think of her as a hairier version of Cathy from Flowers in the Attic.

Jasmine

In the Disney world, Jasmine's winning combo of voicing her opinions and perfect accessorizing made her vulnerable yet spunky--the Gloria Steinem of the Arab world. She also fit in perfectly with the 1990s and their Take Your Daughter to Work Day/Hillary Clinton aesthetic. But in the real world, Jasmine's belly baring proclivities and tendency to wander around the Arab speaking world without a male chaperon would get her sentenced to getting stoned (not the Half Baked kind, the Lottery kind), whipped, and then buried alive. I do like to think that someone would intervene on her behalf (think Angelina Jolie a few years down the road, suffering empty toy box of foreign kids syndrome). Because Jasmine would make a rockin' sensationalist spokesperson for women's rights in the Arab World.

Beauty and the Beast

Disney's Belle is pretty pleased when the beast transforms through the power of her love for him. However, the film upon which the Disney version is based (Cocteau's La Belle et La Bete) succeeded in making the beast so lovable that both Belle and the audience are a bit let down when he transforms. This makes Belle the only Disney princess with bestiality interests (no, pervs, that Alice in Wonderland scene released by an irate animator circulating the Internets doesn't count). It also makes Belleedgy and transgressive, especially in today's fashion world. I predict that Belle would be the first Disney princes to make the cover of Vogue.

Pocahontas

I don't have a lot to say here. Except, Johnny boy? Dude...she's ten. Don't tell me you just want to paint with all the colors of the wind. Dude, she's ten. That long legged well developed beauty? It's a dream! A fantasy! All in your head, along with the Old Woman Talking Willow Tree and the non rabid friendly raccoons. Now put down the tobaccy (and the wacky tobaccy) and go watch Toddlers and Tiaras, you sick, sick perv.

Here's who they should have cast as Pocahontas:

Life Imitates Art: Movies Inspired by TV's "The Critic"

A special treat, for those of you boycotting the Superbowl! A new blog post!

Sometimes life imitates art. Especially on the show the Critic. Remember that? Tubby film critic Jay Sherman watched films he hated. Jay Sherman was one of my all time snark influences and reruns of the Critic was one of the most awesome alternatives to having a life in my teen years. It was dead on in its lampooning of awful current films. With Hollywood still being in the toilet just as much as it was back then, is it any surprise that some of the ridiculously bad film spoofs they did on the show have, in fact, come true? Let's take a look at some of them.

[Gagging] Part 2

Jean Paul LePope: "In my next film, Joe Piscopo and I play Siamese twins joined at the tongues. It's called [gagging] Part 2."

Jay shudders, but not nearly as hard as I did seeing the trailers for Stuck on You. Matt Damon? If hanging out with the Farrelly Brothers fills the frat-boy void in your life that opened up when Ben Affleck left you, so be it. You don't have to star in any of their movies, though. And Greg Kinnear--from sensitive toy dog loving gay artist to this? For shame.

Jurassic Park II: Revenge of the Raptors

Jay Sherman reviewed a film where the raptors come up with complex plans and make use of affected accents that both Kate Hepburn and Frasier Crane would envy. Though the raptors in The Lost World were rather wussy (getting impaled by the bars routine of an ebony skinned Mary Lou Retton--give me a break!), in Jurassic Park III, they're suddenly geniuses.

They have their own language, set traps, and even negotiate tense hostage situations for eggs in a matter of minutes, which already puts them ahead of Oliver North and Jack Bauer. Of course, they're stupid enough to think that Alan Grant's honking noises are coming from deep into the forest...but they're still miles ahead of Ollie North.

Hunch!

Let's make Quasimodo so ugly he's cute and then give the story a happy ending. Apparently Michael Eisner was watching this episode, too, because a few years later we got a real Hunchback movie. All Disney produced movies/musicals manage to turn a happy ending out of exquisite tragedy (see also The Little Mermaid). Quasimodo starving to death next to Esmerelda's hanged corpse becomes Esmerelda "just friendsing" Quasimodo and hooking up with the hot guy. And Quasimodo gets to experience people not screaming when they see him. As much. (Hmm, for once I think Disney's version was bleaker.)

I'm reminded of my own Disneyfied experience: a rock musical version of Verdi's Aida in which Tim Rice and Elton John somehow managed to eke out a happy ending from the concept of Aida and Radames being buried alive. (They get to die together! And then they'll be reincarnated and hook up in a museum a few centuries later. Cue the dancing dog head people!) Back to the Disney vault with ye, Tim Rice.

What's the Truth Got to Do With It?: the Ike Turner Story

Yes, apparently Ike Turner was watching and has no sense of irony. He wrote an autobiography in 1999 called Takin' Back My Name: The Ike Turner Story (apparently his ghostwriter promised to do for him what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler). Granted, in real life, Ike never actually claimed to have started NOW with Rick James. He does, however, expound on what spousal abuse means:

Sure, I've slapped Tina... There have been times when I punched her to the ground without thinking. But I have never beat her.

Sort of like how Joe Jackson never "beat" Michael--but he did "whip" him. I'm thinking these two need to get together and rewrite Dr. Spock for show biz managers with special foreword by Bobby Brown.

Apocalypse WOW!

The Critic proved that anything, no matter how inane, could be a musical (see also Hunch). Even serious films that act as social commentary. It's one thing to set The Producers to music, another to set Apocalypse Now. What real life movie is being made into a musical? Well, it also involves blood, guts, and a detailed running commentary of Hugo Boss suits, the history of the band Genesis, and yuppie etiquette. Yup. American Psycho!

Raiding Sadako's Closet: What Would the BSC Wear?

I have a pretty eclectic wardrobe, so I decided to let our fave girls loose in my closet and see what outfits they could come up with. After Kristy finally came out, I posted their reactions. (Thanks to bethg24 and other Twitterers for the blogsporation!)

Kristy

"I'm happy in jeans and sneakers, but Claudia decided she needed to spend hours distressing a pair of jeans for me and then told me under penalty of death that I can't get another hole in it without disturbing the feng shui of the pants. I also took Stacey's advice on the sneakers--Nikes are out, Pumas are in, I guess. But I drew the line at the scrunchie Claudia made for me."

Mary Anne

"I know what you're thinking. It's kind of short. Isn't my dad, Richard Spier, incredibly over-protective? True, growing up, he was the overbearing King Triton to my meek Ariel. (Except thankfully with fewer visible nipples.) He's lightened up, of course--marrying a woman who makes Terry Schiavo look organized will do that to you. But even when I was twelve, dad had some weird ideas about what normal was. Wearing baggy jeans and a t-shirt was out. But the shortest tiniest postage stamp skirt was fine as long as it was plaid. Why'd Britney have to go and ruin that for all us girls?"

Dawn

"It's blue. Not sky blue or robin's egg blue, but deep, deep sea blue, the kind that Travis always says I should wear because it's the color of my eyes. Not that I care what Travis thinks...Oh, it's also low cut and sometimes guys check me out, even when I'm with Maggie. Not that I compete with other girls. As the founder of the Future Simone de Beauvoirs of America, I'm above that."

Stacey

"The Chanel earrings are my nod to sleek, classical old style New York...years before Blair Waldorf was even a blink in Cecily von Ziesgar's Carrie-Bradshaw-wannabe-eye (Dad bought them when I threw a tantrum about mom not earning enough to buy me a diamond ring). The Kenneth Cole Reaction Collection leather jacket is my way of saying, I'm fashionable but I don't have to try. (Dad's secretary sent it to me when I was in the hospital when Claud gave me a sugary Milky Way circa the Jeremy incident.) And the black tank top? Doesn't it look awesome--thanks to the strapless push up bra Dad let me buy at Agent Provocateur after Robert dumped me and I needed some retail therapy."

Claudia

"My sister Janine was invited to go on an African safari last summer where she analyzed the chemical content of about eight different kind of elephant dung. I was so angry at her for not bringing me back any dung (I'm working on my Chris Ofili inspired portrait of Mallory Pike!) and for not greeting the Mimi shrine made from Mallomars in my room the minute she got home. So I snuck into her room and stole the safari jacket that her teacher gave her as a goodbye gift. I bedazzled the jacket and wore it with zebra print leggings, my fedora from Carmen San Diego-rama, a leopard print necklace, my stiletto Converses, and these earrings I made from Jamie Newton's broken Lego guys."

"I also love this Mao skirt that Stacey bought for me at Vivienne Tam's store downtown--New York is SO bohemian. I accessorized it with these cool communist flats, People's Pins as earrings, and a plain Nehru jacket--to evoke that poor, starving peasant feel. I tried to impress my mom and dad with my wardrobe one morning, telling them I was getting in touch with my Asian heritage. My dad just held his head in his hands and my mom said, 'Claudia, your ancestors were Japanese. Not culturally illiterate.'"

Mallory

"I love this cute longish top--it's so me! Claudia helped me pick out these new glasses. I thought they were too big, but she says they're in and that they do for my nose what surgery eventually did for Jennifer Grey. I also love the "I love my kids" button that Ben got me when he was down under--I really am his bonza sheila! Mom and Dad think that I'm not mature enough to wear leggings, though, so I had to wear the shirt with Byron's old pair of sweatpants. And underneath, of course, the underwear I was wearing the day I met Amelia Moody, my favorite author."

Jessi

"I love my evil eye collection. It's part of my whole getting in touch with being ethnic thing. Wait, these evil eyes are from Turkey? Well, it's a lot closer to Africa than that pastel dashiki Becca bought me for Kwanzaa last year at Claire's."

Abby

"My juicy sweatpants with pockets big enough to hold my copy of How To Talk Dirty and Influence People and my Uggs. What more does a girl from the Island need?"

Janine

"I love wearing nerdy t-shirts and Questionable Content merchandise. Not just because they're funny and even more low maintenance than my previous Oxford shirt with knit skirt look. But because they piss off my sister, the wannabe walking American Apparel billboard."

*Note to the reader. I assure you, my taste isn't all that horrid. I don't actually own: the horrible scrunchy (which, yes, I did find by googling "horrible scrunchy"), gigundoly huge hipster glasses, Juicy sweatpants, a bra from Agent Provocateur, or Converse stilettos. I don't own, but wish I did, the Lego earrings and the Commie shoes.

I do own: the safari jacket, the evil eye stuff, the blue dress (Monica *finally* returned it), the Mao skirt, some (faux) Chanel earrings, the red plaid skirt, and the leather jacket.

Celebrity Criminals

Sometimes people commit crimes. And sometimes those people are...celebrities.

Roman Polanski

It's Roman Polanksi! The elfin Semitic Mumia Abu-Jamal. Somehow, Roman Polanski's justifications for having committed statutory rape back in 1977 always remind me of Uncle Leo's excuse for shoplifting in Brentano's.

• "I'm an old man. I get confused."

• "I'm from Europe. I get confused."

• "It wasn't me--it was Borat!"

Recently, Roman's wife came out in defense of his behavior, saying that the 70s were a, "crazy time." The seventies. They were like Apocalypse Now! set to Donna Summer. Rape or be raped, man.

Poor put upon Roman. I happen to have an excerpt from his recent arraignment.

Roman: "Can I please be out on bail now?"

Judge: "Um...well...I'll allow it. But you have to stay in the slightly smaller chalet for house arrest, okay?"

Roman: "That's not fair! The bigger one has the ice cream maker!"

Judge: "Sorry, Roman, but sometimes there are consequences for your actions."

Roman: "No fair!"

Judge: "No pouting! Or I'll take away the sprinkles that Jack and Anjelica sent over."

Phil Spector

As a huge Wall of Sound fan I was a little loath to put him on the list. But how could I not? The gun toting former producer and long time creepy recluse killed a 40something B-movie blonde in 2003. With a laundry list of evidence against him, he still pled not guilty. I have to wonder what his attorneys were thinking.

"OK, our client is found dead with a woman in a room and he's the only other person there. How do we make this go away?"

"We argue that at least he didn't shoot an A-list celebrity? And that's not a meaningless statement--he's come close at least three times."

"Five if you count making all the Ramones play at gunpoint as three separate potential deaths."

"No good--they haven't downgraded killing former starlets or D-listers to a misdemeanor in California. Yet."

"We could argue that our client is so loathsome that twenty minutes alone with him are enough to put any sane woman on the ledge."

"It could work. Hell, I had to put down the bottle of Tylenol several times during the last conference call with Phil."

Michael Jackson

No, Michael didn't kill anyone, but his trial redefined media circus. Think of all the celebs in attendance who were brought because the prosecution wanted to establish that he'd molested before. None of them took the bait, though.

Macauley: "Michael's not a perv, and I'm offended that anyone would think that. He's been nothing but good to me. Like on his honeymoon, when Lisa Marie was pissed and didn't want to go with him to Oahu because of that whole I, Michael, take thee Bubbles business? He totally let me go with him."

Emmanuel Lewis: "I'm afraid I can't be of any help. I haven't really seen him since the year I finally hit puberty."

Wade Robson: "I haven't seen him since the night of the great sleepover in FAO Schwartz."

Winona Ryder

Yeah, another non-lethal crime. Here's some stuff that I bet you didn't know that Winona kept'oed, from the set of some of her films.

Star Trek (She played Spock's Mommy.) The Vulcan merkins.

Girl Interrupted. A jar containing Billy Bob's life fluids. Also, Angelina's vial of Billy Bob's blood.

Autumn in New York. The whole enchilada? She basically stole Julia Roberts' rightful place. (A rom com playing opposite Richard Gere, I mean, come on.)

Little Women. Beth's pathos. I knew there was a reason, apart from my stone cold soul, why I didn't cry harder when Claire Danes kicked it.

Edward Scissorhands. Tell me you didn't cry when she and Anthony Michael Hall sold Edward down the river. I'd expect this from Anthony, the Mark McGuire of the acting world, but from Winona? I was shocked.

Robert Blake

Robert Blake, of In Cold Blood and Baretta, was found not guilty but most people think he killed his wife. His story is that they went to a restaurant together, had dinner, and then got into the car to leave, whereupon he realized he forgot his gun and went back for it. When he came back, he found her shot.

Blake's conversation with the cops?

Cop: "You have the right to remain..."

Blake: "Okay come on. Come on! She was like that when I got there!"

Cop: "Anything you say or do..."

Blake: "Um...we both reached for the gun, the gun, the gun?"

And scene. In looking over this post, I realize I could have renamed it Creepy Old Dudes (plus Winona). In honor of the creepy old man of the century, I'm going to dedicate it to the memory of J.D. Salinger. I always felt vaguely guilty about not liking Catcher in the Rye more, being as I'm supposed to be so literary and all that. But the thing I liked most was the title (it always reminded me of biting into a thick sandwich, mmm, rye). Oh well. RIP, Mr. Salinger.