Anti-Drug Moments: Very Special Sitcom Episodes

Earlier this year, I wrote a blog-post on anti-drug PSAs of our childhood. I enjoyed that so much that I decided I needed to revisit the anti drug message in its more potent form: the Sitcom Very Special Episode. Here are video clips and recaps of some of the best "Drugs're bad, MMMKAY?" moments in sitcom history.

Family Ties

In which Uncle Ned (a young Tom Hanks) shows up with an alcohol problem.



Recap:

Alex: "You were at the top once! Look at all these news clippings of your accomplishments. Young Executive of the Year, 1980. When you made Junior Vice President by the age of 28. Or in 1982, when Scrooge McDuck invited you to swim in his golden coin bank."

Uncle Ned: "No, Alex I'm all washed up! LEAVE ME ALONE!" *slap*

Steve: "You have a problem, Ned. You need help."

Elise: "Becoming VP by age 28--what the hell was that about? You need to recognize your attachment to corporate America is a serious problem. Take part in a few pro ERA rallies, come to a March for the Rights of Migrant Workers. Sign a Legalize Hemp petition."

Steve: "Oh, and maybe hit up AA if you're not doing anything."

Ned: *sob* "I hit Alex..."

Sadako: "Which you're only allowed to do if he tries to replace the family's autographed Timothy Leary photograph with a portrait of Nixon cuddling Checkers."

7th Heaven

In which Matt Camden takes a marijuana joint home (and becomes one of the few, the proud: the only sitcom characters to genuinely carry drugs just because a friend gave it to him). And in which Reverend Camden finds it and has an even bigger hissy fit than the time Mary brought home The God Delusion.



Recap:

Matt: "It was my joint. I'm sorry. I didn't think--

Reverend Camden: "That's exactly right, you didn't think! Is this why you've never held down a job? Or why you thought the fruit that Adam and Eve ate was an apple, when nearly all Scriptural evidence points to it being a quince?!"

Full House

I don't have a direct clip, but we all remember when Kimmy Gibbler got drunk at a frat party, and DJ attempted to break off all contact with her--and the touching scene where Danny Tanner convinces DJ that it's not the end of the world to have a friend who likes to get drunk at parties.

Recap:

DJ: "You might as well know, Dad. Kimmy was drinking at that party. Don't worry, I wasn't drinking."

Sadako: "We all knew you had problems having fun the moment we found out that your childhood stuffed toy was a Pillow Person and not a plush animal."

DJ: "And I've completely written Kimmy out of my life. I don't need someone like that."

Danny: "You may not need Kimmy, but she may need you, honey."

Sadako: "Yeah. None of her other friends are going to be both sober and without plans on weekend nights. And no one else is going to have the Tanner knack for getting regurgitated Schnapps out of a shag carpet."

Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Seen (scene) here.

In which Will confesses to Uncle Phil that it was his speed pills that put Carlton in the hospital.

Recap:

Will: "Those speed pills that Carlton took at the school dance? The ones that took him from an uptight Tom Jones loving Oreo into an In Living Color extra? They were mine. I wasn't even sure if I was gonna take 'em...I'm sorry, Uncle Phil."

Uncle Phil: "Sorry? My son could have died because of you. You hurt him and you could've hurt yourself! You've hurt all of us! This family came this close to transforming from a slightly hipper incarnation of the Huxtables into a sepia toned version of the Bundys!"

Beverly Hills 90210

In which David Silver goes on meth in order to hold down a job as a college radio DJ. (I'll pause here to stifle a few giggles over the fact that the only credentials you need to currently do David, Martha Quinn or Kennedy's job are a Twitter account and some free time.) And in which Dylan McKay counsels David on how to get rid of his remaining drugs.



Recap:

Dylan: "David, what are you doing? We've gotta get rid of this stuff. Flush it down the toilet."

David: "Are you kidding? Did you see Goodfellas--that stuff's worth a LOT of money."

Dylan: "You get off on getting high, David. You don't want to get rid of this stuff, do you? You're on the ledge, Silver. Don't jump."

David: "Can you flush it? I couldn't even deal with getting rid of Donna's dead goldfish."

Dylan: "No, man. I'm not gonna flush it. You are."

*Flushing Montage*

Dylan: "There may just be hope for you yet, Silver. And long nights ahead for the plumbers and sewage workers of America."

As Retold by Sadako: Little House in the Big Woods

Many years ago, there lived a little girl in a big house in the woods of Wisconsin. Her name was Laura. She lived with her Pa and Ma and her older sister Mary and baby sister Carrie.

There were all kinds of wonderful things to do in those days. The little house, for example, had a door that could open and close with only the push of a hand. There were shoes that could be put on and laced up and then taken off again before bed. Most fun of all was Pig Carcass day, when Pa butchered a pig and then blew up the pig's bladder for Laura and Mary to play with. There was nothing more fun than a day spent among pig parts.

Unless, of course, there was a day spent playing with Pa's gun.

Oh, how Laura and Mary loved to watch Pa clean his gun.

"Now you watch closely and make sure I do it right." If Pa did something wrong like bring the hammer down quick, the gun would go off and they'd all be killed. But he never did. They also loved to watch him make bullets on the hearth. The little bullets did shine so temptingly that often Laura and Mary couldn't help touching them and getting burned. But of course it was their own fault. And anyway, the blisters were so bright and pretty to look at, they were yet another perk of living in the little house.

Christmas

On Christmas, Laura's Uncle Peter and Aunt Eliza and her cousins came. On Christmas Eve, they hung stockings, and the next morning, they went to see what they got. For Laura, because she was the youngest--a doll! Each child was also given a lick of peppermint candy. Laura was given two licks of hers because she was the youngest. Each child also received one mitten. But not a full set--because only spoiled, privileged Town children were permitted two. And so that was Christmas.

A Tale of Two Bears

Pa had gone to Town to try and sell his furs. Laura was to help Ma with the milking. They went to the barn to milk Sukey, the cow. When they got there, to their surprise, they saw the big brown shape of Sukey at the barn gate. Ma leaned over to open the door. "Get over, Sukey," she said, slapping the cow. Suddenly, Laura saw long black fur and glittering eyes. "Laura, walk back to the house."

Back at home, Ma said, "It was good that you didn't question authority and went straight back to the house, Laura. Real good." It turns out that they had seen a bear!

When Pa got back, Ma and Laura told him all about the bear they had seen.

"A bear?" said Pa. "Well! When I was walking back from Town, I saw lots of bear tracks. I wished I had my gun but I'd left it home for some reason. Then I saw a huge black bear standing on its hind legs, staring at me. I stared back. I picked up a club, and I knew I"d have to rush the bear, or be eaten. I ran and brought the club down on its head! But it was nothing but an old stump."

Pa laughed and picked up the old fiddle as Ma sighed and said, "So, you didn't actually see a bear, then, did you, Charles?"

Sunday

On Sundays, Ma, Pa, Laura, and Mary had to sit and read the Bible to make up for the decadence of the rest of the week. No pig bladders or first degree burns on Sundays. But one Sunday, Laura was bored. She started to play with Jack. She got excited and ran about until she finally let out a whoop and a couple of hollers. Before she knew it, she'd even raised a hullabaloo.

"Laura," Pa said sternly. "Come here." Laura came, knowing she was going to be spanked. But Pa put her in his lap and told her a story about her grandfather, his father. "When Grandpa was a boy, he and his brothers worked on a sled. By the time it was ready, it was Sunday, and they couldn't play with it. They could only read the Bible. Not the more relaxed New Testament, either. Only the Old. But that Sunday, their father fell asleep while reading.

"Grandpa and his brothers looked at each other and off they went, sledding! When they came down the hill, a pig came out of nowhere and they rode down the hill on the sled, too, squealing all the way. Suddenly they saw their father staring at them. He went back into the house. Wordlessly, the boys put the sled away, slaughtered, butchered and dressed the pig, put the pig's bladder away for later, and went back inside to read their catchesism and compose a monologue on the first several books of the Old Testament.

"That night, their father tanned their hides till they could barely sit down.

"So you see, Laura. Back then children were physically abused when they acted out. Today, they just have to hear thinly veiled threats disguised as reminiscing. Isn't that better?"

Laura nodded, and Pa hugged her. "Now, Half-Pint, go cut me a switch."

The Deer in the Woods

Pa set out a salt lick near the house so he could hunt deer more easily. One night he went out to hunt them. In the morning, Laura and Mary went to the window, eagerly, hoping to see a mutilated deer carcass in the tree. But to their shock, there were no adorable butchered animals. Not even a pair of chipmunks for hors d'oeurves.

That night, Pa explained what had happened. He took Laura and Mary onto his knees. "I went out into the woods. First, I saw a stag. He was so great and majestic and strong and free, I couldn't kill him. He reminded me of myself before I had Mary and Laura and Carrie and the passel of stillborn babies out back. But then I reminded myself that I had to kill the next animal that came or we'd surely all starve.

"The next one was a huge bear, almost twice as big as a regular bear. I almost shot him, but I got so distracted watching him use a primitive form of toilet paper and then shaking his hindquarters thoughtfully. It wasn't until he was gone that I realized that my children were at home, hungry and waiflike. I had to kill the next one--after all, the forest was full of animals. Finally a mother deer and its baby came over and I lifted my gun to shoot them, and I realized I'd plumb forgotten my gun."

"That's all right, Pa," said Mary. "We can eat bread and butter."

"And that story distracted me from my blurred vision and lowered blood sugar!" chimed in Laura.

Ma sighed. "Charles, you passed out in front of the salt lick again, didn't you?"

Pa smiled and brought out his fiddle and everyone sang Auld Lang Syne.

Movies in a Minute: Back to the Future

Doc: "I've done it! I've created a time machine."



Marty: "Out of a Delorean?"

Doc: "Well, I was thinking of using a refrigerator but a Delorean will make a better Hot Wheels tie in and generate fewer wrongful death lawsuits from the parents of impressionable kids. Well, I'll look you up in the future. This is one small step for a white haired eccentric. One giant leap for mankind. Oh no, Marty! I don't know how, but they found me!"

Marty: "What is it?"



Doc: "The last remaining ethnic stereotype we could make fun of! LIBYAN TERRORISTS! Run, Marty!"

Marty: "Doc! No! Whoa. 1955."

Biff: "Hey McFly! Don't forget to do my homework for me this weekend."

George: "Thank you, Biff, may I have another?"



Marty: "You're George McFly!"

George: "Yeah, so?"



Marty: "Dad...Dad? He's a peeping tom. Dad!"

Mr. Baines: "Oh, great, I hit another one. Help me get him into the house, Stella."



Marty: "You're m-m-my...you're the walking embodiment of every Oedipal fantasy that's ever lurked in the recesses of my id!"

Lorraine: "Hi...Calvin. I mean, Marty. I've never seen anyone with purple underwear before..."

Sadako: "Go easy on her, Marty. The last time she had this much excitement was when the Ed Sullivan producers slipped up and showed a few of Elvis's unedited gyrations."

Marty: "Doc! Let me in! I'm from the future!"



Doc: "Okay, Future Boy. We'll send you back with a convenient lightning storm taking place in a week. Don't screw with ANYTHING. Unless it's cute throwaway gags like teaching rock stars songs that they're supposed to know already or making sure Twin Pines gets its first black mayor."

Marty: "Uh, Doc. The thing with that is--"

Doc: "Great Scott. Well, let's play matchmaker for your parents."

Lorraine: *giggle* "Hi, Marty."

Doc: "Apparently your mom's amorously infatuated with you, instead of your father."

Marty: "Whoa. Doc. I don't understand. Are you saying my mom's got the hots for me?"

Doc: "Precisely."

Marty: "Doc, in English, please?"

Doc: "Yes."

George: "Okay, very funny, you guys are being real mature."

Doc: "What did your mom ever see in him?"

Marty: "I guess she felt sorry for him because her dad hit him with the car." Beat, pause. "He hit me with the car."



Marty: "George, come on. Ask Lorraine to go with you to the dance."

George: "I can't. I have to stay home and watch my favorite show, Science Fiction Theater. I'm thinking of inviting over some equally socially inept buddies, recording our witty observations about the program, and then marketing it as a franchise to fans of bad sci fi movies. What do you think?"

Marty: "No! Do I have to incur the wrath of George Lucas?"

Lorraine: "Calvin! I mean, Marty. I was wondering if you'd ask me to the dance this weekend. I'm planning on wearing my pointiest bra."

Marty: "Wouldn't you rather go with George McFly?"



Lorraine: "Oh. Well, he's cute and all but nothing comes between me and my Calvin."

Sadako: "Besides, Buddy Holly hasn't yet introduced the world to the nerdy chic look and Elvis Costello hasn't cemented its appeal."

Biff: "McFly! I thought I told you never to come in here."



Marty: "Hey, Biff. Look!"



Lorraine: "That's Calvin Klein. He can make fleeing from a gang on a modified scooter look cool!"



Biff: "I'm gonna get you for this!"

Aladdin: "Mental note. When running away from a pack of angry men, manure is my friend."



Marty: "New plan, George. I'll go to the dance with Lorraine. We'll park. I'll try to take advantage of Lorraine. And you say...George, your line."

George: "Get your damned hands off of her. But do you really think I ought to swear?"



Charlton Heston: "Of course. It's how you convince liberals, gun control advocates, and sentient apes you really mean business."

Marty: "Yes, George. You'll punch me, I'll be down for the count, and you two will walk off into the sunset. Everything will be great except for that heavy pause years from now when she'll ask you if you've ever lied about anything in your life."

Doc: "Well, everything's all ready."

Marty: "Doc, about the future--"



Doc: "No, Marty! No man should know too much about his own future!"

Oedipus Rex: "I damn well beg to differ."

Doc: "Whatever you have to tell me, it'll have to wait. Now go put the moves on your mother."

Marty: "Lorraine, what are you doing?! You shouldn't drink or smoke!"



Lorraine: "Oh, Marty. Don't be such a square."



Mallory Keaton: "Nice try, but I've been telling him that he's less cool than our parents for years."

Lorraine: "Something's not right, Marty. Somehow...when I kiss you...it's like kissing my brother."

Cathy Dollanganger: "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Biff: "You cost three hundred dollars damage to my car and I'm gonna take it out of your ass."

Sadako: "I'm suddenly wondering how many little gay boys wore out this part of the tape."

Lorraine: "Get off of me!"



George: "Hey, you, get your damned hands off her!"

Biff: "Ow."

George: "Are you okay? Want to go to the dance with me?"

Lorraine: "Sure. Maybe we can stop off at the rape crisis center for a nightcap after?"

Marvin Berry: "I hurt my hand. The dance is over unless you can find another guy to play bass."

Marty: "But my parents are supposed to kiss at the dance and fall in love! They're simple, impressionable folk and love just isn't going to happen without the kind of song Sha-Na-Na would later cover!"

Marvin Berry: "Well..."



Marty: "Now for something that really cooks. This is an oldie where I come from..."



Marvin Berry: "Chuck, Chuck! This is your cousin, Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you were looking for? The soulful but hard rocking bluesy sound that you couldn't find collaborating with Muddy Waters or while growing up in the segregated South? I think I found it in this small Caucasian boy!"



Chuck Berry: "Nothing I like better than sharing my writing credits with little white boys!"

Audience: "..."

Marty: "I guess you guys aren't ready for this yet..."

Sadako: "They're not even ready for Frankie Valli at this point--if they can't handle a little white guy singing falsetto, they won't be able to wrap their minds around a little white guy playing heavy metal."

Marty: "...but your kids are gonna love it."



Lorraine: "George is gonna take me home, Marty..."

Marty: "See you guys around. Now, if only I had time to tell Doc...wait, that's it! I'll go back ten minutes early. Doc! Oh no!"

Doc: "Psych! I got your note. I wore a bullet proof vest."

Marty: "What about all that talk about the space time continuum?"

Doc: "Forgotten until I have to lecture you about picking up sports almanacs for gambling purposes."

Marty: "I'm back! And my dad's tough and successful, my mom's hot and thin, my sister's popular with boys, and my brother's got a good job that requires a three piece suit!"

Sadako: "And gender stereotypes are upheld!"

Biff: "I finished waxing the car, Mr. McFly!"

George: "That Biff, what a character. Always trying to get away with something. Uh, Lorraine, honey, remember to carry your pepper spray if you go out while Biff's still working on the car."

Doc: "Marty! They've approved us for a sequel! Get in and let's go!"

Where Are They Now: Real Housewives NJ

Have we all been watching the Jersey Housewives? I think we have, even if we don't want to admit it. (Don't worry. I'll be your beard in all things pop cultural. If anyone asks, you're here for a Legally Blonde recap and some BSC snark, really.)

So, onto the housewives. We all know that the little Animal House esque captions they show in the season finale don't tell the whole truth. Here's what really became of them.

Caroline Manzo. Poor Caroline. This season, she's spent most of the time dealing with empty McMansion syndrome. But never fear, Caroline, there's still work to be done with your eldest!



Remember when Carmela Soprano took herself down to Joan Cusamano's law office with a ricotta pie and a smile to strongarm the Georgetown alum into writing a recommendation for little Meadow? I see a similar thing happening somewhere in the Caribbean to ensure that Albie gets into a fourth tier law school. Except I'm not sure that bringing homemade chicken cacciatore and namedropping Bernie Kerik works at St. Bart's U.

Albie Manzo. Speaking of the eldest, I do feel bad for him. He's spent his whole time thinking he was going to be the Tom Hagen of the Manzo family and assuming that Christopher was a shoo in for the Fredo spot. What's left for him?



Collaborating with Milton Bradley for the board game version of the Ham Game, of course!

Dina Manzo. Compared with the rest of the gang, Dina comes off as a pretty classy broad. But becoming the next Sharon Osbourne of Reality TV doesn't work so well if your husband and daughter aren't participating.



And now that Dina herself has withdrawn, what's left for her? However, I think that Dina has something up her sleeve. Yup. Grandma Wrinkles.



Remember Mr. Winkle? The dog that published its own book and even managed to upstage Carrie Bradshaw at a book reading? Grandma Wrinkles could be the feline version. Because, let's face it--even though cats are big nowadays, what with the slice of life humor provided by lolcats and the shock value of cats that look like Hitler, no individual cat has stepped up to inspire us. Dina and Grandma Wrinkles--you guys can fill that void!

Teresa Giudice. Now that she's $11 million in the hole, Teresa's going to have to learn to cut back and yet still manage to bring in some cash.



Teresa apparently has already put out her own line of clothing, in addition to writing Skinny Italian. But with budget cutbacks, I foresee Teresa making some adjustments to her line of sparkly clothes. Her latest design ware tools: a bedazzler and some Hanes undershirts.

Joe Giudice. Poor Joe. Between the DUI, the shady financial history, and the rumors that he's been stepping out, possibly with Real OC Housewive Tamra, I think he'll be spending some time as a guest of the state in New Jersey.



And I foresee some really scary visiting day scenes.

Teresa: "I saw Tamra's name on the register--

Joe: "I can't control who visits me, Tree."

Teresa: "Let her sneak you in marinara sauce that she made in the driveway, Joe. Go on, enjoy sauce that someone accidentally made during their time of the month."

Joe: "Tree, come on."

Teresa: "Let her do it, Joe. Let her stay up all night writing to Andy Cohen to get Bravo to authorize a Lifestyles of Overdrawn and Infamous spin off for us. Let her do it!"

Jacqueline Laurita. Jacqueline will make reality show headlines by being the first parent to call in Nanny 911 for a child who's over the age of 18. (But you guys have seen Ashley. Can you blame her?)



Nannies Deb, Jo, and Stella will focus on time outs for negative behavior like hair pulling and positive reinforcement (i.e., more knit caps) for positive behavior, like not crashing the new SUV. I fully expect that Simon and Alex Van Kempen will request that Jacqueline write the preface to their latest childrearing book.

Ashley Holmes. Ashley spent most of this season feuding with Danielle, both on Facebook and in real life. When we last saw her, she had to pay a small fine to Danielle for yanking out her weave. She was also threatening to countersue Danielle for lying about the circumstances of said weave yank. Where is she now?



Working hard with aspiring law student Albie to file a suit against Mark Zuckerberg for providing an environment for her and Danielle to spar. (And licking her wounds due to being the only professional victim turned down by Gloria Allred.)

Danielle Staub. Ah, Danielle. Too screwed up for even a Growing up Gotti esque Bravo spin off. Not trendy enough for sex tape mania to catapult her to greatness. Danielle has spent most of the season pointing to Christine, and occasionally Jillian, and saying, "I gave birth to that. That came out of me!" in a tone of voice I usually reserve for extra large menstrual clots.



When Christine and Jillian sue for emancipation (you know it'll happen sooner or later), I see Danielle starting a support group for totally awesome parents whose ungrateful kids don't appreciate them. (To be co founded by Dina Lohan and Lynn Spears.)