Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Movies in a Minute: The Devil Wears Prada


Editor in Chief, Miranda Priestly: "Why should I hire you to work at a fashion magazine as my assistant?"


Andy: "I went to an east coast liberal arts college. I was editor in chief of my college paper. Aaand, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I know who Susan Sontag is. I'm kind of a big deal. Leather bound books, mahogany, etc."


Miranda: "You don't read Runway. You've never heard of such a thing as foundation garments. And until today you'd never heard of me. But you know what, I'll give you the job. It might make a cute fish out of water article this winter. Hmm. Yes. I'll call it Fat Girl in Little Givenchy Bolero Jacket."


Emily: "I'm Emily, the first assistant. I'm a size two, and I do not need a governess. Or a second assistant. You'll be doing whatever I tell you. Get that phone."

Andy: "Hello? Calvin Klein calling for Miranda Priestly? Ooh, Mr. Klein, I've loved you since the day I saw Michael J. Fox wearing your underwear. Do you think I could get an autographed pair--hello?"


Nigel: "Token gay guy here. Have some shoes. Size thirteen, right, Cankles?"

Sadako: "Standford Blatch, I presume? Or is it evil Tim Gunn?"

Andy: "Miranda, I'm sorry I offered to take Karl Lagerfeld's cape--I didn't know it was the post weight loss excess skin!"


Miranda: "I took a chance. I hired you. Why? Because I figured my son wouldn't be as tempted to sleep with his assistant if she were a zaftig Hispanic girl from Queens."

Andy: "..."

Miranda: "Sorry, wrong script. Because I wanted a smart girl with a work ethic. So I said hire the fat smart girl. She can use the money to get lap band surgery."

Andy: "Sniff. She hates me, Nigel! I'm trying my best, and she hates me!"


Nigel: "Andy, be serious. You are not trying anything but my patience. Where others dream to work, you only deign. This is more than a magazine. It's a shining beacon of hope for...oh, let's say a young boy in Rhode Island pretending to go to soccer practice when he was really at sewing camp. For the boy pretending his ball gag and butt plugs were a mouthguard and jockstrap. Pretending that his brief forays into cosmetics were adulation of KISS with an S, not Liza with a z. Reading Runway under the covers late at night."

Sadako: "Forget Obama. The Nobel Peace Prize should have gone to Runway."

Nigel: "You have no idea how many legends have walked this hall, and you don't even care."

Andy: "I just wish I knew what I could do to...Nigel. Nigel, Nigel."

Nigel: "No...no! Well, all right. Despite my awesome career, I did kind of feel my life was empty till a free spirited straight girl looking for love and success in the big city entered it."

Andy: *squeal*


Nigel: "We're doing Dolce for you, and Narciso Rodriguez, possibly Lepore, but mostly Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik and other names that'll make the Top Model watching army wife mother of four in her mumu feel like she's fashion forward for recognizing."

Andy: "I love it! My own fairy godmother! Do you come in black? My friend Lily could so use one!"

Gisele: "The other day, in the beauty department we were looking at the new Shu Uemura eyelash curler and she starts combing her hair with it."


Emily: "It's like they've decided they can get affirmative action points for hiring the fat."

Gisele: "And ze other day, she looks at the Birken bag and she says, what is zis, a bidet?"

Emily: "Really?"

Gisele: "No, but that story made ze funny with ze boys in accounting."


Gisele: "Whoa."

Emily: "I want an I crapped asparagus and put it on a stick bag, too!"


Sadako: "Meet Andy's friends! Tousled hipster boyfriend Nate, Doug the effeminate one, and Lily, the black girl."

Nate: "Hey Andy. We're just waiting for Turtle to get here. How's the working girl?"

Andy: "Oh, you guys! Runway does some legit work, too. They published a Norman Mailer whining about his waning libido piece. And here's a photo layout of Jim Carrey in black and white mooning the camera but looking sorrowful--it's by Annie Leibowitz so you know it's good. And I have presents for everyone."

Lily: "Nice blackberry! Ooh, incoming call from the Dragon Lady--let's play keep away!"



Andy: "Give me that! You smudged the eyeshadow palette! And the compact mirror is broken. You guys are such assholes."

Nate: "Aw, come on, Andy."

Andy: "No, I'm going. I have to go deliver some papers for Miranda and meet the rival interest who will inflame me intellectually and sexually but ultimately hurt me, teaching me that there's no place like home."

Christian Thompson: "Hello, gorgeous! Do you know who I am?"


Andy: "I reviewed your books for my college paper! I was even president of the Christian Thompson fan club. We love you, Christian, oh yes we do...And I want to be a writer. Except I work for Miranda Priestly..."

Christian: "You as an assistant? You can't work for her! You're nice, smart, and tight as a never been opened bottle of marmalade! Woof!"

Emily: "Miranda's decided you're to deliver the Book to her house today. Don't mess it up. LEAVE THE BOOK ON THE TABLE WITH THE WHITE ORCHIDS. While you're waiting for the book to be assembled, you can alphabetize her suppository collection."

Andy: "Hmm, where do I leave the book?"


Miranda's twin daughters: "Teehee. Emily always brought it upstairs to Mommy. Heehee."

Andy: "Okay!"

Emily: "You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?"

Miranda: "I want the new Harry Potter book for my twins. Or you're fired."


Andy: "Oh. Well, I bet if I call someone and look real alluring, it'll work. After all, there are only angry editors at fashion magazines, not publishing houses!"

Christian: "Hey gorgeous lady. Want the new Harry Potter book? I somehow scored it despite not doing much besides having sex and writing the occasional poem."

Andy: "Oh, god, how can I thank you?"

Christian: "I can think of a few ways. WOOF!"

Andy: "Here you go, Miranda. I got the book and managed to read an article on how to slim down my upper body and elongate my torso. Is there anything I can't do?"

Miranda: "What are my twins gonna do with that? Share? Who do you think they are? Michael Kors' kids?"

Andy: "Oh no, I made two copies--covered, reset, bound. They're with the twins on their way to grandma's. This is just an extra to have on file. You know, just in case!"

Miranda Priestly: "That'll do, pig. That'll do."


J.K. Rowling: "You destroy all copies of that and lobotomize everyone who's read that book or I'll make Nuclear Wintour look like a lolcat. And I was a single mother on the dole. I know hell--it's filling out twenty pages of the Jobseekers' Allowance Form."

Andy: "Uh, Nate, you know how I said I'd quit my job, well it turns out I still have a paycheck and benefits, sorry."

Nate: "Andy, you've changed. What happened to the girl who used to hate Runway and made fun of all those girls? Now you take calls from your boss outside of working hours. And on Secretary's Day you joined in the fun instead of throwing Miranda's cruller on the floor and pissing on it. I just don't know who you are anymore."

Andy: "Ugh, my personal life is hanging by a thread."

Nigel: "Join the club. That's what happens when you start doing well at work, darling. Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke--that means it's time for a promotion."

Andy: "Oh...Nigel, do you have an HIV test you need me to go with you for? Because I just saw Philadelphia last weekend and it's so tough what you people have to go through!"

Emily: "Andrea, you have to work tonight. We're memorizing all of these people for a big gala so that in case Miranda's Alzheimer's kicks in, we can tell her who they are, where they work and whom they're fucking."

Sadako: "Don't forget the bias cut adult sized diapers in case the incontinence checks in. Is there anything Miranda can handle on her own?"

Andy: "But Emily, tonight's Nate's birthday and I promised him we'd hire a clown."

Emily: "Too fucking bad."


Christian: "Andy! Remember me? Too bad you've got a boyfriend. I'd love to show you the old in out, in out!"

Andy: "What?"

Christian: "The editors of In Style and Time Out, they're inside. I could introduce you, show them a piece of yours--WOOF!"

Andy: "Oh, well, I have to go."

Nate: "You missed my party."


Andy: "I'm sorry--I tried to leave but there was a lot going on. And I'm here now."

Nate: "You missed the clown we hired. And the bursting of the pinata shaped like your boss. You've changed, Andie. You've sold out."

Sadako: "I'm sorry, Vince, but this coming from the guy so willing to get famous that he starred in Aquaman? You couldn't be any more of a sell out if you let Ari Gold talk you into a Joel Schumacher directed Batman featuring light up LED nipples on the batsuit."

Nate: "And now you're going to Paris with Miranda to meet fashion designers? That was Emily's thing."

Andy: "Miranda chose me! Is it my fault I'm so fetching and sweet? I'm basically the way Disney wishes Lindsay Lohan had turned out. I didn't ask to be so non-threateningly attractive."

Nate: "Let's see other people."


Andy: "Ooh, sex with sexy Christian in Paris. How cosmopolitan."

Miranda: "Let's go over the seating charts for the banquet. Move Snoop Dogg to my table where my husband Stephen was sitting."

Andy: "So I don't need to fetch Stephen from the airport. Yay, time for more sex with the future Norman Mailer!"


Miranda: "Stephen isn't coming. He's rethought the divorce. Oh, put that fiery Latina Nina Garcia in the back and make sure she's supplied with plenty of chimichangas or whatever it is they eat...ah, and make sure to minimize the press on this..."

Andy: "..."

Miranda: "...I can just imagine what they'll say about me in the press. Dragon Lady Drives Away Another Mr. Priestly. The Ice Queen Cometh No More..."

Sadako: "Don't forget Will Protruding Vagina Tentacles Spoil Priestly's Marriage?"

Miranda: "We can't have it all, Andy. We can't have it all. Go! Before you're dried up and alone. Get knocked up and have a rollicking adventure with your adorably immature hipster boyfriend! Marry the first thing that negs you at the bar tonight. Don't end up like I did!"

Nigel: "Come on, fat girl, let's drink to the perfect dream job--mine! Miranda's put me forward to co-partner an awesome new company."

Christian: "Did you know that Miranda's being replaced by a Frenchie? Probably shouldn't have mentioned that. Woof!"

Andy: "Oh no! I've got to warn my boss that Selma Hayek's going to make a fool out of him on national television--crap, wrong script again."

Miranda: "Relax, I knew all along. Frenchie's going to take Nigel's hot new job and I'm staying here at Runway. So's Nigel."

Nigel: *single tear*

Andy: "I can't do this anymore, Miranda. You do whatever it takes to get ahead. And then you break a cute little flamboyant gay man's heart. I haven't seen such hard heartedness since Heidi and Nina refused to let Austin in the final four. Goodbye forever."

Miranda: "Okay, I know you're going to cut this in post, but I can't stay silent. She gets upset about missing her boyfriend's birthday party and I get walked out on in Paris to indulge in your little I'm an independent woman phase? I suppose you expect me to stay silent and let you go, playing the Ike Turner to your lovable but gumby legged Tina?"

Andy: "Yup. Except I'm Elle Woods to your Warner. Time for an interview with a serious magazine."

Interviewer: "These clips are excellent. I loved the piece on the janitor's union--white girl liberal guilt is appreciated here at Nerve.com. Now do you have any pieces about losing your virginity while accidentally still wearing a tampon?"

Miranda: There she goes. The best assistant I ever had. Oh, we had some laughs--like the time she brought me a grilled cheese. And the time she suggested using Crystal Renn for the lingerie spread. Shine on, my little novice!

Andy: "I'm going to be a serious journalist and carry around a netbook and spend time in cafes scowling at people for standing over me with their lattes while I write about stuff that matters!"