Movies in a Minute: Disney's Oliver and Company

Huey Lewis: "Finally! The chance to show that I'm about more than providing songs to be ripped off in Ghostbusters or filler songs in Back to the Future! 'Cause it's always once upon a time in New York City..."



Oliver: "Mew! Help! I'm as lost as Joey Lawrence in a TV show where he's playing a character not named Joey!"



Dodger: "Come on. Let's you and me steal some sausages."

Oliver: "Cool! When are we gonna eat?"

Dodger: "We? Sorry. I only look out for myself. Our dynamic duo has just become a dynamic uno!"

Oliver: "Hey! Wait! I can haz access to goods that are legally mine?!"



Dodger: "You want the sausages? And to maybe worm your way into my heart and teach me about empathy? Come and get 'em! Why should I worry? Tell me, why should I care?"



Pierre: "I could come up with a reason..."

All: "Dodger!"

Dodger: "Hey guys. Who wants sausage? These ones come pre dipped in cement, hydrant water, and angry feline slobber."

Oliver: *Mew*



Rita: "Cool it, guys, it's just a cat."

Tito: "Dios mio, un gato!"

Benji: "Mr. Eisner? Admit it. The real reason you turned down my request to become animated was because you found a Hispanic dog who would work for slave wages, right?"

Sykes: "Where's the money, Fagin?"

Fagin: "Maybe the animated version of Mr. Bumble has it?"

Sykes: "Do you know what happens when people don't pay me back? People get hurt."



Fagin: "Please, I'll pay back the debt I owe you!"

Sadako: "Fellow liberal arts student facing student loans, eh?"

Fagin: "We've got two days to make enough money to pay back Mr. Sykes. Dodger, keep an eye on the new kid. Show him the ropes."

Oliver: "What kind of work do we do, anyway?"



Dodger: "There's no real way to Disneyfy You've Got to Pick a Pocket or Two, so let's not really address that."

Tito: "You be lookout."

Oliver: "Okay! What's a lookout?"



Tito: "Aye! Mi madre! Just look out the weendow, okay?"

Jennifer Lopez Hand: "Hey cholo, want to form an ethnic stereotype support group?"

Jenny: "Hi there! Aww. A kitty!"

Rita: "What happened to the kid?"

Dodger: "We've got to rescue him!"

Jenny: "Here, Oliver. You get your own bowl and your own toys."

Winston: "Georgette isn't going to like this."



Georgette: Girl, we've got a lot of work to do...perfect isn't easy.

Sadako: "Apparently it requires owning stock in Latisse and the ability to apply an amount of eyeshadow that would make Patsy Ramsey blush at the tastelessness."



Jenny: "Oh, Oliver. You're so great. You and me together / Will be...forever..."

Sadako: "I'ma let you you finish, Jenny, but Fern and Wilbur's song There Must Be Something More was one of the best owner/animal friendship songs of ALL TIME."

Georgette: "Grrr..."

Dodger: "Let's find the kid. Hey. This place doesn't look so bad..."



Tito: "Hey man, if thees is torture, chain me to the wall!"



Gidget: "How is it that loving Taco Bell got me thrown off the campaign by irate Hispanic pride groups and nothing happened to Tito? Please, someone tell me!"



Georgette: "WINSTON! Bark bark bark! Don't come any closer! I knew this would happen one day!"

Dodger: "Hey, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's not you we're after."

Georgette: "It's not?! Well, why not? What's the problem? I mean, do you even know who I am? Fifty six blue ribbons, six time national champion!"

Sadako: "And the canine doing the most to perpetuate rape and sexual assault myths."

Dodger: "We'll leave as soon as we get our cat."

Georgette: "Here you go! Bye now!"

Francis: "Welcome home, Oliver!"

Oliver: "What? Huh? I'm sorry, guys. But I had a home. And it's a Park Avenue townhouse in pre-gentrified New York!"

Dodger: "We're your family! We risked a lot to get you back here."



Oliver: "Dodger, I'm sorry--



Dodger: "Fine, kid, if you wanna go, go. No one's forcing you. Walk out on me if you like. If you hurry, you can catch up with Christie Brinkley."



Fagin: *sigh* "So that's where you've been, Oliver. You're doing well for yourself. Hey, wait a minute! We're saved! Huzzah for felonies!"

Jenny: "Oliver's been kidnapped! Come on, Georgette. Let's rescue him!"



Fagin: "You're Oliver's owner? The big blue eyes. The piggy bank. Sigh. I can't resist the pathos. Okay, here's your cat."

Sykes: "Yoink. Consider our account closed."



Jenny: "Help! Save me!"

Fagin: "Come on, guys!"

Oliver: "..."



Jenny: "Oliver? Oliver?!"

Oliver: "Mew!"

Jenny: "Oliver, you're alive!"



Lucky: "Eh. It's been done."



All: "Happy birthday, Jenny!"

Sadako: "A birthday attended by a bum who doesn't pay his debts, feral dogs, and the hired help. I think this is creepier than the time my parents hired David Friedman to be the clown at my party when I turned six."

Dodger: "Later, kid. We'll save a spot for you. Uptown chapter!"

All: "Why should we worry? Why should we caaaaare?"

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Bambi

In honor of Sadako's birthday today, I bring you a movie featuring the birth of another extremely cute animal: Bambi!

Thumper: "He's here! The new prince is born!"

All: "HELLO LITTLE PRINCE!"

Owl: "Welcome to the forest, little one."

Bambi's Mother: "Hello, everyone. I just finished with the afterbirth. Would anyone like a bit of placenta?"



Thumper: "Kinda wobbly, isn't he?"

Thumper's Mother: "Thumper! What did your father tell you this morning?"



Thumper: "If you don't have anything saccharine sweet to say, you can leave Disney and go be a bit player in a Tex Avery cartoon."



Bambi: "Flower! Pretty, pretty flower!"

Flower: "No one except for the mystery van of stoned teenagers who come to the woods to smoke up every weekend ever called me that before!"

Bambi's Mother: "We're going to the meadow now, Bambi."

Bambi: "Yay! The meadow!"



Bambi's Mother: "No, Bambi! Do you want to end up as an accessory on Norman Bates's end table? We must go out slowly. I'll go out first. All right, Bambi, it's safe!"



Faline: "Hi, I'm a mindless girl! Let's play!"

Bambi: "?!"

Faline: "He's shy, isn't he, Mama?"

Faline's Mother: "Well, maybe your chances of marrying into royalty would increase if you said hello, Faline."

Bambi: "Yuch."



Bambi's Father, Prince of the Forest: "Hm. That'll do, fawn."

Bambi: "He stopped and looked at me, Mother. Why was everyone still when he came on the meadow?"

Bambi's Mother: "Everyone respects him. He's very brave and very wise. That's why he is known as the Great Prince of the Forest, and why I don't complain that he's never once taken custody of you for a single weekend and why I only receive child support checks every other month."

Bambi: "Wow."

Bambi's Mother: "Bambi. Danger. RUN!"

Bambi: "We made it, Mother! Mother? Mother?"



Bambi's Father: "Your mother can't be with you anymore. I'll take on the duty of raising you. It'll be like Three Men and a Little Baby meets Two and a Half Men meets National Geographic."

Owl: "Bambi, Thumper, Flower! You're all grown up! Now, let me teach you guys about the battle of the sexes. Male animals are perfectly rational and happy until females come along and bewitch them."

Bambi: "It won't happen to us!"

Flower: "Yeah--oh my god. Did you guys get a look at the scent glands on that specimen? Sorry, guys. I'm out."

Bambi: "Yeah, well. We're still Masters of our Domain. Come on, Thumper. Thumper?"



Thumper: "!?!?!"

Sadako: "I don't know, Thumper. I think going after a heavily made up rabbit is a self hating move. Do you know how many lab rabbits died testing mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick?"



Faline: "Hello, Bambi."

Bambi: "Her girlish laugh, her helplessness, her prehensile tongue. I'm in love! Faline, you want to go back to the little place I've got near the old oak tree?"

Faline: "Sure."

Bambi: "Mmm. What's that smoke?"



Bambi's Father: "Man is in the forest again. We must go."

Bambi: "Now? Seriously? It's a really bad time, Dad..."



Feline: *waking up* "Bambi? Bambi? Oh, Feline. You sure can pick them."

Bambi: "Faline! Don't try to fight back! Cower while I take on all the dogs. Ow..."

Bambi's Father: "Get up, Bambi. GET UP. You MUST get up."

Bambi: "Now you start with the parenting? You don't even talk to me till Mom dies, you leave the sex talk to an owl, and you couldn't even toss the pigskin around with me once?"

Faline: "Bambi! You made it!"

*The gestational period of a fawn later*



Raccoon: "Look! Two of them!"

Rabbit: "Well, that's the only way they could've topped last year's cute birth."

Owl: "Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud."

Bambi: "Parenting sure is hard, Dad."

Bambi's Father: "It sure is, son. It sure is."

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Peter Pan

Narrator: "This happened before. And it will happen again. But this time it happened in London to the Darling family."

Wendy: "Peter Pan is ever so wonderful--"



Mr. Darling: "I've had enough of the tales of that rapscallion! It's high time Wendy had a room of her own! Tonight's your last night in the nursery!"

Mrs. Darling: "George!"

Children: "Father!"

Virginia Woolf: "Finally."



Mrs. Darling: "Don't worry, children. This is as close to love as your father's British repression will ever allow him to show."

Wendy: "Don't lock the window, Mother! I have something that belongs to a strange boy and he might sneak into my room late at night."

Mother: "Oh. Yes, of course, dear."

Peter Pan: "Come on, Tink! Let's find my shadow."



Sadako: "Now a little fanservice for all the dads in the audience."



Wendy: "Oh, Peter. I'm so glad you came. Tonight's my last night in the nursery. I'll have to have a room of my own, with no one to snoop in my diary or go through my personal belongings."

Peter Pan: "No! You can come away with me and be a mother to the lost boys. Come on, everyone. Tink!"



Michael: "What's the pixie doing?"

Sadako: "Engaging in what Carol Gilligan would term girl on girl hierarchical conflict."

John: "How do we fly, too?"

Peter Pan: "Just think really good thoughts!"

Rhoda Byrne: "Interesting..."



Peter Pan: "Oh, and just use a little pixie dust. Come on! Neverland. First star to the left and straight on till morning."

Pirate: "Peter Pan ahoy!"



Captain Hook: "I'll get you, Pan! And your voluptuous little lady friend, too!"

Peter Pan: "Watch over Wendy and the others, Tink, while I stay here and draw Hook's fire."

Lost Boys: "What's that, Tink? Peter wants us to shoot down the Wendy bird? Okay! Huzzah for following orders!"



Peter Pan: "Nice going, blockheads. I bring you a mother and you shoot her down before she can wash any dishes or make a single bed? What good will she be to us dead or wounded?! Tink, you're banned from Neverland for a week. Tootles, take a Polaroid of her and tape it up."

Wendy: "Peter, let's see the mermaid lagoon! Mermaids are ever so sweet and lovely!"

Sadako: "Spoken like someone who's never known the frustration of coming across a mermaid with the fish part on the bottom."

Peter Pan: "All right, guys. We're going to the mermaid lagoon. While I'm gone, go out and capture a few Native Neverlanders. John, you're in charge."

John: "Now, since the Injun is crude and savage, we'll have to--



Chief: "WHERE YOU PUT PRINCESS TIGER LILY?! IF TIGER LILY NOT BACK BY SUNDOWN, BURNUM AT STAKE!"

Sadako: "Maybe you put her behind your copy of How to be an Ethnic Stereotype Without Really Trying?"

Wendy: "Oh, real live mermaids!"



Mermaids: "Come for a swim, dearie!"

Wendy: "If you dare to come near me--"



Mermaids: "We're sorry. We were only engaging in some girlish competition for the attention of the nearest male like almost every other female on the island."

Peter Pan: "Look! It's Hook--and Tiger Lily. We'll have to save her."

Wendy: "Well, with her darling little dark pig tails and that quaint little feather, she's almost as sweet as a mermaid or a pixie."

Peter Pan: "Release the princess at once, Smee!"



Chief: "Chief heap glad that Pan rescue Tiger Lily. Make Pan honorary brave. Teachum paleface all about Injun culture. Use-um subjectless verbs, too."

All: "What makes the red man red? Why does he say ugh? Why does he ask you how?"

Indians: "HANA MANA GANDA, HANA MANA GANDA..."

Sadako: "Let me get this straight. The red man asks how so he can learn all the things he didn't know. He says ugh because that's what the first Indian brave said when he met his mother-in-law. And he's red because the very first Indian brave blushed when he kissed a maiden. Disney, you know that no amount of painting with the colors of the wind or mystical talking trees is going to get rid of this skeleton, right?"



Squaw: "Squaw getum firewood!"

Wendy: "I say! Squaw no getum firewood. Squaw go home where the only Injuns she'll see are in her annotated Hiawatha."

Smee: "You know, Cap'n, ever since Pan banished Tink things have been different."

Hook: "Pan banished Tink?! Why didn't you keep me abreast of the island gossip! A jealous female can be tricked into anything! Come, Smee. Get the best of Helen Gurley Brown and a copy of The Rules. We've got to conquer the insecurities of the female psyche."



Tink: "..."

Hook: "Pull up a chair. Have a cosmo. It must be hard with your man shacking up with the nearest human girl and all that. We're thinking of shanghaiing Wendy, though--oh, you want to help? Where does Pan live? Aha!"

Wendy: "John, Michael, we're going home in the morning. You can't stay here and live like savages. You have to grow up and one day take up the white man's burden."

Peter Pan: "Fine. Go on. But I'm warning you. Once you grow up, you can never grow up. NEVER. You'll have to seek out your Indian stereotypes in James Fenimore Cooper novels and you'll have to wait till Disney pioneers a Pirates of the Caribbean ride for more sea adventures."

Hook: "Gotcha!"

Wendy: "Boys! You mustn't become pirates. Going around slitting people's throats and taking their belongings is only honorable if one is attired in a red coat and occasionally sings Rule Britania."

Peter Pan: "Ooh, a present from Wendy."

Tinker Bell: "..."

Peter Pan: "A bomb? No, that's ignorant--ahh! Tink, you saved my life. Come on, it's off to save the others."

Hook: "Well, boys? What will it be? The pen? Or the plank?"



Peter Pan: "Bye, Hook! Let's not kill him off directly just in case an enterprising movie director needs him as a villain years from now in a movie where I grow up and return to Neverland. You never know."