As Retold by Sadako: The Boxcar Children

After rereading the original Boxcar Children, I decided to retell the story to my woefully illiterate stuffed animals. Of course, I lost the book and had to rely on my (decidedly sarcastic) memories. Here's what I came up with.

The Four Hungry Children

One warm night, four children stood outside a bakery.

Henry, the eldest, Jessie, Violet, and little Benny went in. They asked the baker's wife if they could spend the night on the benches and work washing dishes the next day.

"Our mother and father are dead," Jessie explained. "We have a grandfather, but we don't like him. He's cross and, he didn't like our mother."

The baker's wife let them have the bread.

"Delicious!" Henry said.

"Well, I never!" said the baker's wife. Bread was not to be enjoyed by orphans. Only tolerated.

Violet and Benny went right to sleep, but Jessie and Henry stayed awake and heard the baker and his wife talking.

"Let's keep the older three. They can help us. But the little boy is too young. Tomorrow, we can take him to the glue factory."

Jessie and Henry stood up. "We must not let them sell Benny to the glue factory. Benny does not like paste. He does not like to be sticky."

Jessie woke Violet and Henry carried Benny. They walked and walked. The night was long. They walked. At day, they slept in a haystack.

At night, they woke again. They walked. Soon it rained. They saw a big abandoned boxcar. They took shelter from the rain. Ernest Hemingway looked on in envy at the fine prose.

A New Home in the Woods

It was a nice boxcar. In the light of day, they saw an old tree stump and a brook nearby. "Oh, let's live here, Henry," said Jessie. "It would make a wonderful home."

"Oh yes, please," said Violet.

Henry thought about it. "Hmm," he said. "Let's live in the boxcar. Yes. That's a fine idea I had." The girls jumped for joy.

The next day, Henry took the rest of the money they had. He went to buy food. Jessie decided to make a surprise for Henry. She had seen blueberries in the woods the night before. Blueberries! Blueberries in the woods. Fancy that! They would pick blueberries for Henry.

But the children heard a noise. It was a dog.

The dog had a thorn in its foot. Jessie pulled out the thorn. "The dog didn't cry or growl at all even though it hurt!" marveled Violet.

"Of course not," said Benny. "Crying is for the weak."

They named the dog Watch. They had two surprises for when Henry came home. Henry had four bottles of milk, cheese, and some more bread. The children ate. They ate the brown bread, the cheese, and the blueberries, and they drank the milk. In cities and towns miles away, the dairy farmer lobbyists of America smiled and did not know why.

Henry went out to the town the next day to find work. A man was outside cutting grass. Henry asked if he could cut the grass instead. The man, Dr. Moore, said, "Yes." Henry cut the grass better than the colored girl who usually worked for them. Henry would come back again, too, to do more work around the doctor's house for him.

When he returned to the boxcar, Henry had a surprise. It was butter, yellow and sweet. But Jesse reminded them that this was a treat. Tomorrow water would be the most flavorful thing for their bread. "I like plain bread best anyway," said Violet shyly. Jessie smiled approvingly.

Henry brought out another surprise. "Now this spoon is a magic spoon," said Henry. "Turn it around and use the handle, and it is a knife." The children gasped. Sadako wished that she could see the looks on the children's faces when the spork was unveiled.

One day, Dr. Moore had Henry clean the garage. The garage was not very clean. Dr. Moore laughed when he saw Henry look for a broom.

Henry sorted the tools and nails into different boxes. This was a great treat for Henry. It was almost as exciting as the butter. How he loved to put things in order!

He washed the floor and tidied up the shelves.

When Dr. Moore came home he saw the garage. "My, my, my!" He looked at the garage and laughed. He laughed and laughed. "Look at my shelf! Look at my hammers!" He laughed again, and then apologized. "Sorry, the handle on the laughing gas at my practice is broken."

A Swimming Pool For Some, Preparing Nourishing Meals for Others

There was a brook near the boxcar. The children decided to make a dam so they could have their own swimming pool. They all worked, bringing stones back and forth, till the pool was finished.

"You boys can have the first swim," said Jessie. "We girls must go and get dinner. We'll ring the bell when we are ready."

The boys splashed and splashed. The girls made a fire and cooked the stew. Jessie rang the bell when they were finished, and they all ate.

"Let's go for a walk in the woods this afternoon," said Jessie after they had finished.

"Can't we girls go for a swim now?" asked Violet.

"No," said Jesse. "It isn't nice to upset gender norms. Besides, I like cooking for the boys best."

Cherry Picking

One day, the doctor told Henry that he would need more help to pick cherries from his cherry orchard. Henry brought Jessie, Violet, and even little Benny along. The children picked cherries all day long.

Dr. Moore said, "You must stay to dinner. Will your mother be watching for you?"

Jessie said, "No. We...live...er, that is...our parents...are dead." The children all looked uncomfortable.

"That's a shame," said Mrs. Moore, the doctor's wife. "Have some cherry dumplings."

Then they picked and picked some more cherries.

Mrs. Moore said, "Look at those children work. And they are so polite, too."

Dr. Moore paid the children four dollars and as many cherries as they could take. "That is too much," said Henry.

"No, it is just right. You are better than most workers because you are so happy."

"And," added Mrs. Moore, "so much more polite and pleasant than the migrant workers who usually help us."

That night, Dr. Moore sat reading the paper. He saw the word LOST and began eagerly to read the news of his favorite television serial, before remembering what century he was in. "LOST. Four children, two boys and two girls. Somewhere around Greenfield or Silver City. Five thousand dollars to anyone who can find them."

He laughed. He laughed again. "Oh my! The four children are living in a boxcar, but I shall not tell Mr. Alden that they are his grandchildren. I would sooner use a contraction than spoil their good fun."

A Fun Run

Mr. Alden was a rich man. He owned plenty of fine mills. Now, Mr. Alden liked boys. He liked to see them running and jumping and playing. So each year with three other rich men, he gave a Field Day to the town of Silver City. Every year, the boys were in training for the races. As an afterthought for one of the rich men who enjoyed the sight of frolicking girls, he allowed females to enter, too.

There were all kinds of races. The best was a foot race that anyone could enter, where the winner received twenty five dollars and a silver cup. Sometimes a boy won. Some years when the boys decided not to give it their all, a girl won. Once, a great big fat man had won and everyone had laughed long and hard.

Dr. Moore wanted to see the race. He took Henry and told him to stay and watch and tell him who won.

Henry soon heard about the free for all race from another boy. The boy told him about last year's. "That was a funny one. There were two fat men in it. The jiggling of their great big thighs was hypnotic, like a lava lamp! That boy over there won it."

Henry decided he would enter the race. The man entering him told him that the other boys had been training all year.

"Oh, I know. But I like to run. It's fun to run. It's one of life's little pleasures."

The race began. Henry ran and ran.

He passed a fat man and a little boy. A Japanese family in the crowd looked frightened.

Soon, he was ahead of everyone. He won the race!

Mr. Alden asked him his name. Henry was afraid to give his real name, Henry James Alden. He instead told him, "Henry...Henry...er...uh...James, er, yes."

"Here is the prize, Henry James. You can run well, my boy. I like to see you run." Mr. Alden looked at Henry's fine, strong legs. He looked at Henry's supple torso.

Henry looked nervous. "And I'm glad you won, my boy, and not another one of those great fat men."

Henry smiled, thinking at how he could surprise Jessie. The special treats he could buy with twenty five dollars. Butter. Fresh bread. And maybe even radishes.

Dr. Moore Reviews the Child Neglect Laws

Henry had even bought Benny new stockings. With the old ones, Jessie decided to make Benny a bear.

"You must make a tail, too, Jessie," begged Benny.

"What kind of tail?"

"Long and thin. So I can pull it."

"Benny!" said Jessie, laughing. But she made a tail, making a mental note to tell Henry that soon Benny would need to learn to be like all the other little boys.

Later, Jessie gave Benny a hair cut. Benny gave Watch a haircut, too, cutting a large "J" into the dog's fur. Jessie came and saw. "Oh, no, Benny!" But she laughed.

She showed Violet. Violet laughed, too. She laughed and laughed until she cried. Then she wouldn't stop crying. Jessie decided Violet was sick and put the little girl to bed. Sadako refrained from paging Dr. Freud.

Jessie and Henry were scared. Violet was so cold she shook. She looked feverish. Henry decided to tell Dr. Moore.

Dr. Moore came in his car and took Violet. The other three children stayed in his house while he tended to Violet.

The next morning, Benny played in the living room. Mr. Alden was waiting there.

"I have lost a little boy, and I think the doctor knows where he is. My little boy is just about as old as you are."

"Well, if you don't find him, maybe you can have me," remarked Benny. "I like you."

The man's smile grew as he asked Benny to come sit on his lap. He told him about a cucumber growing in a glass bottle in his garden.

Then Jessie came into the room in her quiet way. Mr. Alden smiled in delight at his granddaughter's passive, feminine outlook on life. He was even happier that Violet preferred pleasant, sweet things like flowers to untidy things like frogs and cucumbers.

Later at dinner, the old man, the doctor and his wife, and the children talked. "I want to go home with him. He offered to show me his great big green vegetable," said Benny.

Violet had liked the man, too. She wanted to go to his house to see the flowers when she was better.

Dr. Moore knew the truth. He decided he would not tell the children who their grandfather was--not until they liked him.

A New Home for the Boxcar

One day, Henry remembered where he had seen Mr. Alden. He remembered how Mr. Alden had given him the prize at the race. He remembered how Mr. Alden had called him "My boy." He remembered how Mr. Alden had gazed at his sinewy thighs.

He went across the garden to Mr. Alden and started to talk.

The other children overheard Henry. He explained. "He is our grandfather." They decided to tell Violet.

"Mr. Alden is our grandfather and he's rich!" said Benny. "And not cross either," he added.

The children explained about the boxcar where they had been living. "You ought to see it in the daytime," remarked Dr. Moore. He explained that he'd followed Henry home the first day.

"Why didn't you tell me?" asked Mr. Alden. "Didn't you know they were my grandchildren?"

"They were having such a fine time, and I didn't really need the five thousand dollars until my malpractice suit. And then Violet got sick."

The children moved into Grandfather's house soon after.

Once in a while, Jessie wanted to cook a meal in the woods. It wasn't the same as in the boxcar. And Benny wished for his old pink cup from their boxcar days.

Grandfather had an idea. He arranged for the boxcar to be brought into one of his gardens. Everything was as it had been. Even the old stump was there. Grandfather had felled an old tree to make it so.

"Hurrah for slumming!" cried the children. Watch barked in approval.

The children lived wholesomely after.

* * *

Speaking of the Boxcar Children, I also wanted to plug my friend ali's new blog, Big Boxes of Books. She has an awesome post on another Boxcar Children book, the Lighthouse Mystery, as well as a lot of other great posts.

BSC # 95: Kristy + Bart = ?

I decided that instead of recapping this the normal way, I'd pretend I was sitting in on a meeting between this book's ghostwriter, Peter Lerangis, and BSC creator Ann M. Martin. Also present, Ellen Miles, whom I like to think is Ann M's favorite ghostwriter and second in command (she loves writing about sewing, adorable babies, and old women almost as much as Ann).

Ann M.: "Peter. Come on in. Ellen and I were just watching Bob Ross doing a needlepoint segment on PBS."

Peter: "I brought over the first draft of Kristy + Bart = ? I thought we could all go over it."

Ellen: "Have a seat. Would you like a bowl of plain old vanilla?"

Peter: "Ice cream?"

Ann M.: "Peter, it's not the weekend yet. No, it's just vanilla."

Peter: "Well, anyway, the story starts out with Kristy coming home from school one day. No one's home so Kristy walks Shannon out in the woods near her house. On her walk, she notices her older brother Charlie's car. He's in there. And his face is attached. To a girl's."

Ann M.: "Attached?"

Peter: "...because he's giving her mouth to mouth! Er, I'll revise. Anyway. On to Kristy and Bart. They're going to see a movie one Saturday. Kristy says that it's a suspenseful thriller that Stacey and Robert saw last week and loved. Bart wants to sit way in the back. He puts his arm around Kristy. When she glances over at him, she notices him right up in her grill and they start kissing."

Ann M.: "Oh...my...whockety."

Ellen: "Peter, we gave you the list of acceptable films. A...thriller? How about That Darn Cat?"

Peter: "Um, well, this is the 90s and they're teenagers..."

Ann M.: "Well, then how about the movie with that nice Anna Paquin and the geese?"

Peter: "Fine, fine. It doesn't really matter. The kisses are...well, kisses sweeter than Ho-Ho's, they're not. But Bart does ask Kristy to go to a school dance with him and she agrees. One Friday afternoon, they go out for a meal with Mary Anne and Logan. Kristy notices how smoothly things go for Logan and MA--they hold hands without any awkwardness. Mary Anne orders fries when Logan forgets. They know each other really well, whereas Kristy doesn't have this rapport with Bart. She starts to feel a little jealous of her best friend."

Ellen: "I felt that way, too, after I read Maid Mary Anne. Those quilting squares that Mary Anne made were exquisite!"

Ann M.: "Oh, to die for."

Peter: "Well. Later that night, Kristy's sitting for her siblings. After they go to bed, Bart drops by and he and Kristy watch the game on TV. But Bart has more on his mind than just sports. They start to kiss and Kristy finds herself enjoying it this time. But Kristy's mom and Watson come home and Kristy's in trouble."

Ann M.: "Goodnight! Kissing on a babysitting job?"

Ellen: "And I thought we were being permissive letting Stacey talk on the phone to her boyfriend in Stacey vs. the BSC."

Peter: "It's not really a traditional sitting job. It's just her own brothers and sisters. And they're asleep anyway. And it just sort of happened."

Ann M.: "But I don't think Kristy would even be thinking about kissing on a sitting job. Even if Bart is cute."

Ellen: "Oh, I know what you mean, Ann. I feel the same way. When I was writing the Pugsley book of the Puppy Place Series, I couldn't even go on a date without bringing all my sketches and my stuffed pug."

Ann M.: "Peter, couldn't you write that the whole thing was a misunderstanding? Like, Kristy and Bart were really planning a Krusher/Basher Jamboree and Watson thought it was a boyfriend/girlfriend thing?"

Peter: "That's what you made me do in Mary Anne Breaks the Rules! Come on! I sat through your kitty kat slideshow for four hours last month! Can't you give me this one book?"

Ann M.: "On the condition that Kristy has to know what she did was absolutely a hundred percent wrong."

Ellen: "And I get to write the final book of the series."

Peter: "Done. So Kristy's grounded that weekend."

Ann M.: "Confined to her room."

Ellen: "Allowed out only to use the bathroom. It's the only way she'll learn."

Peter: "Okay, in her room. So she calls up Abby because the two of them were supposed to host a tournament for a bunch of the kids in Kristy's yard. Kristy decides to still run it, only she'll do it from her window. When her mom intervenes, she starts to pantomime instructions instead of speaking them. When her mom puts the kibosh on that, she throws down a paper airplane with instructions."

Ann M.: "That seems disrespectful. Aren't most thirteen year old girls more obedient?"

Peter: "No, no. It's because she loves the kids so much and she wanted to honor her commitment. Being there for the children was worth more to her than getting in trouble again."

Ellen.: "Aww."

Peter: "Kristy's really mad at Bart for getting her grounded. She's confused, too. What's going on with them: are they friends? More than friends? Boyfriend and girlfriend like Logan and Mary Anne, or a guy and girl who happen to be friends?"

Ann M.: "Mmmhmm."

Peter: "Right. So Kristy asks Mary Anne who tells her that people do things when they're ready. So she tells Bart she's not ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But they should still be friends. Later, there's some event with the kid record tournament and then Kristy sees Bart. She tells him she's looking forward to the dance but he tells her he doesn't just want to go with someone who's a friend. So she's steamed. She vents to her friends who tell her it's OK to feel bad, but that Bart's right to invite another date. She ends saying that she and Bart are friends but not as close as they once were, and that sometimes she feels a little sad and strange when she sees Charlie with his girlfriend, but that's it."

Ann M.: "But what about the younger kids, Peter?"

Ellen: "That's why people read these books, after all. Though we love what you've done with the cute outfits and the dating, those are just extras. The clients are the backbone of the BSC!"

Peter: "Oh. Um...I think they do kind of a world record thing. Guinness book for kids. Kid stuff, like most times hopping while holding a dog or hurling potatoes."

Ann M.: "How darling."

Peter: "And in one scene, Kristy's siblings stay up late singing verses of the Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly. Kristy has to finally put the kibosh on record setting when Andrew and David Michael try to set one flinging boogers at each other--Ann? Ann?"

Ellen: "Be a dear and fetch the smelling salts, Peter. They're in the smiling elephant shaped tin in the cupboard."

Actually, it's always been my theory that the higher ranking ghostwriters (like Peter and Ellen) had their own ghostwriters. You know that sometimes Peter got a bit fed up with writing the little kid plotlines and delegated to a young up and coming ghostie so he could spend his time mapping Stacey's lovelife. And that time Ellen had a longterm BSC super special assignment and she still had to come up with the perfect name for her golden retriever Puppy Place character. (In case you're wondering--Goldie.)

This is also a book that features a Claudia outfit that borders on the ridiculous. Claudia wears, "a bowling shirt with the name Ralph sewn over the front pocket, and matching loose rayon pants, gathered at the waist with a leather strap." She also sports a barrette shaped like two bowling pins. Mrs. Prezzioso asks her if she's in a league while staring at her as if she's wearing, "a cheese jumpsuit." Gotta say--I liked the bowling outfit. In fact, I'm jealous--it's awesome enough to be included in my BSC Raiding Sadako's Closet blog post from a couple months back.

Movies in a Minute: I Know What You Did Last Summer

Back by popular demand, it's Sadako's Movies in a Minute!

Beauty pageant MC: "And saving the world and helping people, Helen. Good thing or bad thing?"

Helen: "Um...good thing?"

Beauty pageant MC: "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!"

Helen: "I owe it all to my hair. You know, it's all about the hair. Having great hair is the secret of my success. Yup, I really love my hair."

Samson: "Just a thought. You might want to be careful what you say."

Max: "Hi, wanna go out with me?"

Julie: "Oh, well--"

Barry: "She's not interested, loser, and anyway there's only room for one wrong side of the tracks poor kid! And that's how you defend your girlfriend."

Ray: "So...the girl's afraid that the escaped mental patient with a hook for a hand is out to get them. She hears noises, so they leave--

Julie: "No, no, the hooked guy was hanging from a tree dripping..."

Ray: "No, the hook was caught in the car door!"

Sadako: "Is that foreshadowing I see before me?"

All: "Oh no!"

Barry: "This could ruin our reputations! College. Scholarships. My chance to be quarterback next fall."

Sadako: "I think you're pronouncing waterboy wrong."

Julie: "We have to do the right thing and report this."

Ray: "I'm scared, Julie. I'm not like the rest of you. I don't have the family or the money to get me out of this."

Freddie Prinze, Sr.: "That's the last time I demonically possess another movie producer to get you a film role. Next role, you're on the casting couch, son."

Helen: "He's still alive! Push him off the dock!"

Barry: "Now we swear we never tell."

Julie: "Meh."

Barry: "I SAID PINKY SWEAR!"

Ray: "Do you think you could let go of my girlfriend now, Barry? She's not real fond of the asphyxiation--no, okay, that's cool."

Julie: "OK, Barry, we take this to the grave."

Ray: "You know what would be a good idea? Let's split up!"

One year later.

Julie: "Oh no."

Sadako: "Ooh, introduction to the rest of the cast. Barry Cox, angrier than ever. Helen Shivers, whose New York career as a actress cum model cum waitress fell through. And then there's Ray."

Julie: "So you're a fisherman."

Ray: "Prophecy fulfilled. I've become my father."

Freddie Prinze, Sr.: "Please don't say that."

Sadako: "This movie isn't very good. But what can I say? now that I've seen the first death...I'm hooked. Looks like I've become my mentor. The Crypt Keeper."

Julie: "The guy ran you over with a car. We have to tell the police what happened."

Barry: "We made a pact!"

Helen: "But someone tried to kill you. This secret is killing us."

Barry: "Does a promise mean nothing to you people? Has no one here read the time honored words of Horton the Elephant?"

Julie: "Let's play girl detective, Helen. Turns out our victim was called David Egan. Let's find his family."

Melissa Egan: "I'm David's sister. What do you varmints want?"

Julie: "See, ladies and gentlemen of the audience. We may have committed manslaughter, but the guy we killed lived in a ramshackle house with a creepy sister straight out of Deliverance. Aren't we getting more and more sympathetic by the minute?

Helen: "Come on, do we have to show a few more shots of Anne Heche in sack cloth before you get the idea?"

Julie: "So..."

Melissa: "You know, things just ain't been the same since my brother died. David Egan. It done tore my family 'part. My daddy died choking on some chewing tobacky, and my mama's in a home where she sits rocking back and forth crying out my brother's name. I don't really know why I'm tellin' you this. Must be on account of how simple I am."

Helen: "Didn't David used to hang out with that guy? You know...that guy? With a name? And I think he had...limbs? Did his name begin with an...A....er, C...H?"

John Edward: "Acting may not have worked out for you, Helen, but there's a place for you among the psychics. You got the gift!"

Melissa: "Now that you mention it, yes. There was this one guy. He stopped by after David died, and I fell for him. It didn't work out because being around me was just too gosh darned painful for him. Blue. Billy Blue."

Julie: "We should go."

Melissa: "Really? I was kind of hoping I could pour out my soul about the time my mother told me she wished I'd never been born, as well as a few other close kept secrets. Please?"

Helen: "You know, maybe David Egan was trying to commit suicide. Maybe he was sitting in the road waiting for us."

Julie: "Now that I think about it, we could be heroes. Dr. Kevorkian might even give us a plaque."

Hooked Killer: "Ohh, trapped in the closet."

"My hair! It's...slightly shorter!"

Sadako: "This scene loses pretty much all its emotional resonance the first time you watch The Godfather."

Julie: "He gave me crabs! Oh, and uh, Max is dead."

Barry: "Ray! It's you! You're behind it."

Ray: "No, he's targeting me. He sent me a letter!"

Barry: "Oh, a letter? Julie gets a dead body in her trunk, someone cuts off Helen's hair, I get run over..."

Ray: "Whoa, back up. Someone cut off Helen's hair?"

Julie: "Okay, I'm going back to the Egan place with a yearbook so Melissa can ID this Billy Blue guy. Helen, you go ride in the float since you're last year's beauty queen. Barry, keep an eye on her in case the slicker mafia shows up."

Barry: "I'll POUND his ass. POUND IT."

Ray: "Listen to yourself. You sound like a bunch of vigilantes. Can't we all just get along?"

Barry: "Could you man up a little? I've been filling the entire testosterone quotient of this film. I bawled out the creep hitting on your girlfriend. I'm walking around trying to look menacing. Could you do SOMETHING?"

Julie: "Ray, we can't leave town. We have to face this! What's it gonna be?"

Ray: Think back to lesson one of the Joey Tribbiani school of acting. To seem thoughtful, am I supposed to pretend to smell a fart or divide 17 by 187? "Hey guys, let's split up!"

Back at Casa Egan...

Julie: "Ew. Dead animals. Rustic setting. Oh, don't you see, viewer? We did David Egan a favor taking him out of this world."

Melissa Egan: "Oh. You again."

Julie: "What happened to your brother...it wasn't an accident."

Missy: "I know. It was a suicide. He left a note that I've kept hidden because otherwise the insurance company wouldn't give us the money. The whole town blamed him for being the driver in that accident that killed his girlfriend, Susan Willis. Car done went over the edge, and she drowned. Her pappy, Ben, never got over it. Neither did David. That's what drove him to suicide."

Julie: "Well. That. And the fish guts."

Missy: "I'll show you the suicide note. I could get all the insurance money revoked, but what the hell. You look like good people."

Julie: "This isn't a suicide note. This is a death threat. Look, I was there, it was an accident. I know it was him. I saw the tattoo of Susan on his arm--"

Missy: "Git out! My brother didn't have no tattoo. GIT!"

Meanwhile, back at Beauty Pageant Redux...

Helen: "Look! He's gonna kill him, he's up in the balcony!"

Hooded Hook: "Naive Helen. I told you. No one else can see me. I'm like Harvey, only evil. Well. Eviler."

Police: "Stay calm. No one move. Let's give hook guy enough time to clean up the blood and remove the body and then let's go up."

"Cute blonde girl dead, too. Now, to wish the body, bloodstains, and any other incriminating evidence to the cornfield."

Julie: "Ray! We didn't kill David Egan. Susan's father, Ben Willis did, in revenge for what happened to his daughter. That's why the guy we killed had a Susan tattoo on his shoulder."

Ray: "Wait. Are you saying...I don't know what you're saying."

Julie: "Ben Willis killed David. Then we killed Ben. Only we didn't."

Ray: "Huh?"

Julie: "Wait a minute. Your boat is called Billy Blue? It's a name I've heard before, so it must mean you're the killer!"

Strange man: *knock out*

Julie: "Call the police, he's trying to kill me."

Strange man: "Go get on the boat. Now!"

Julie: "Okay. Do you want me to unhook my bra, and blindfold and drug myself, to make it easier on you, Mr. Insane Killer?"

Sadako: "Jump off the boat, moron. It's not that far. Head to safety. I don't care if you can't swim--use those double D flotation devices for something."

Ray: "Ray to the rescue!"

Julie: "So you see. We didn't kill anyone. We just tried to kill a guy who turned out to be a murderer anyway. See? We're not bad kids, really. We're practically an Abercrombie and Fitch ad."

Lois Duncan: "That's not what happened! I wrote the original book, and the kid they hit was a small boy, and they left the scene of the crime--

Screenplay Writer Kevin Williamson: "Moral ambiguity, be gone! Away with ye! Frolic, hot children, frolic."

But some things don't stay dead.

Johnny Galecki: "Dream on, hotties. You may have thought the last you'd see of me was as a dead guy in a car trunk, but my career is back!"

Sadako: "There are still some unanswered questions. How did Ben Willis figure out who all the kids were? Also, wasn't his face horribly mutilated by the accident? Why did Ben kill Max--he wasn't involved. Why did Ray lie about having been to see Missy Egan? Why did no one in the parade notice Helen being hacked to pieces less than ten feet away?"

Kevin Williamson: "All great questions. Oops, I think I left the oven on--'scuse me."

BSC #50: Dawn's Big Date

In this book, Dawn decides that at the ripe old age of thirteen, she's a failure because she just can't get no guy reaction. She decides to make herself over so that boys will like her better. It also turns out that Lewis, Logan's cousin back home in Louisville, Kentucky, who Dawn has been writing to, is coming to Stoneybrook for a visit. Dawn realizes she can try to woo Lewis as practice for getting a real boyfriend. She wears some wilder clothes and experiments with changes to her hair and makeup routine.

She realizes it's not her and decides to be herself. Go female empowerment! Hell, it was the 90s. Between Title IX and Take Your Daughter to Work Day, how could you not come away with that message?

Not so subtle subplot: The BSC members babysit for Norman Hill, a fat kid who's getting teased. Norman learns to stand up for himself and that it doesn't matter what's on the outside--you should be true to yourself. Unless you weigh too much in which case it's OK to crash diet to avoid Fat Camp.

Don't make me over.

First things first.

I really want to know how Suzanne Weyn got away with Dawn's make up and clothing in this book. I mean, I read somewhere that Ann M. Martin won't even wear lipstick because she hates the way it smells.

Ann M.: "I read over your notes, Suzanne. I loved the teddy bear stationery but I'm not sure I agree with Dawn wearing so much makeup in this book. In my day, ladies pinched their cheeks. Whores used rouge."

Suzanne: "No, it's OK. I'll have Dawn cry off her aqua eyeliner when she goes on a date with Lewis. During the tearjerker moments in Dirty Dancing, Dawn will sob off all her eyeliner, looking like a hot mess."

Ann M.: "I do approve of a strong anti eye make up message. But...Dirty Dancing? That's not...is that a stag film? You know that the approved date movies are selections from the Haley Mills film festival, Gone with the Wind, and To Kill a Mockingbird."

I don't want your, I don't need your...photograph.

Mary Anne photographs the "new Dawn" (read: Dawn after the curling iron, make up, and a cut up Flashdance-esque sweatshirt).

Mary Anne: "You look really pretty. It's too bad you're not sexy."

Dawn: "I can be sexy!"

Mary Anne: "Okay. Show me sexy."

Dawn puffs out her lip and scowls at the camera.

Pillow talk.

Dawn sends Lewis a postcard with a picture of an armchair with a woman's curvy legs hanging over the side. Dawn writes, "Dear Lewis: Dying to see you Friday night. Mary Anne said you have an extremely hunky voice. Can't wait to hear it whisper in my ear. Until then, Dawn."

Oh, Dawn. Hunky for a thirteen year old boy just means less Theodore and more Alvin.

Second, I know you're trying to channel some of the sexiest women Suzanne Weyn knows, but I'm seeing less purring Eartha Kitt and more Carol Burnett as Miss Hannigan singing about how she'd like a man to nibble on her ear.

Lastly, did Suzanne Weyn have to promise she'd take Ann M. on a trip to see the world's largest thimble to get away with that sexy postcard?

Picking up Lewis (from the airport, sickos).

Outfit: Short silver skirt, black lacey leggings, black and white top, ballet flats.

Hair: Piled on her head with six braids.

Jewelry: Long feather earrings in the two holes in the right ear. Black hoops in the two left holes.

Logan and his parents, the Brunos, drive to the airport to pick up cousin Lewis. Mary Anne and Dawn tag along.

Mrs. Bruno: "Lewis, how was your flight, honey?"

Lewis: "They done gived us an airsick bag and peanuts, Aunt Mae!"

Mary Anne: "Lewis, is Dawn how you pictured her?"

Lewis: "Not really. You do look a mite like the second picture you sent me. Ah had a different impression, is all." Sadako consulted her translator for this. "SLUT! SLUT SLUT SLUT! SLUUUT!"

The real Dawn

In literature and movies, there are two kinds of makeovers. The kind where a shy girl lets her inner beauty shine through, and it's a rousing success. Think Mary Anne's Makeover or Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club.

There's also a second kind. Where a girl who's fine the way she is sluts herself up and then humiliates herself, learning a valuable lesson: be yourself, no matter what. Think Mallory dyeing her hair blonde in California Girls. Or Meg in Little Women getting dolled up and partaking of champaggin. Or Sandy in Grease. (What? You mean you don't remember the deleted scene where she passes out due to pelvic corsetry and hairspray fumes?)

Dawn's change falls squarely into the latter category. But she soon decides to change back.

Dawn: "Lewis? This isn't the real me. I just wanted you to think I was cool and sophisticated."

Lewis: "Why, I already thought you were jes' as purty as a speckled pup in a red wagon."

Dawn: "There's still time, though! You can know the real Dawn. Okay, meet me at my place in an hour for spinach pie and a tofu burger."

Lewis: "Ah'm actually not really into tof--

Dawn: "Oh, you want a cheeseburger? Is that it? Fine. I hope you know that the beef in that burger's going to come from steer. That's castrated bull. And the cheese is going to come from dairy cows who work all day getting milked and don't have time to see their calves. Congratulations. You just contributed to the breakdown of the bovine family."

Norman Hill

If you're wondering if Norman is a stereotypical fat kid who eats a lot when he's nervous, depressed, or well, conscious. Yes. Yes, he is.

Dawn: "Wouldn't you prefer a tofu sundae?"

Older Sister, Sarah: "Norman doesn't have the willpower. He eats non low fat ice cream."

Norman: "Time for a binge."

Claudia: "Norman's kind of annoying. I don't understand why he needs to eat so much--oh my GOD, who took my frozen Milky Ways...oh, they were underneath my Raisinets."

Mr. and Mrs. Hill: "Good news, son! If you really don't want to go to fat camp, we'll wire your jaws shut."

Norman: "Mrs. Freshley, Mrs. Fields? I turn my lonely eyes to you!"

At the end, Norman decides to stand up for himself to the people teasing him and decides he's going to drop the weight so he won't have to go to fat camp. He's no longer ashamed to send his girlfriend/penpal a picture of himself, and he tells her in a letter that even though he's fat in this pic, he won't be by summer.

Dawn: "Gee, are you sure you have the willpower?"

Norman: "I'm going to pretend I'm Stacey and that every time I eat sweets, it could make me sick."

Kate Harding: "Get this child into protective custody NOW."

Norman: "Would you take the photo of me?"

Dawn: "Sure." Thinking: "He was too adorable for words. He posed proudly for the picture, lifting his chin and smiling his sweet smile."

Sadako: "Dawn, careful, you've still got Charlotte and part of the web in the shot."

And finally, Dawn and Lewis decide to continue their epistolary relationship. I decided to loan her my collection of cheeky postcards.