Pop Culture Musings: Creepy Corporate Mascots

You know, corporations can be evil. (Shock, right?) But it's hard to take things out on CEOs. Those of you who have seen Roger and Me know that yelling at a CEO for cutting jobs or canceling your favorite product gets you at best an icy smile.

When things go wrong, who gets the short end of the stick? That's right, the poor hapless mascots. So who's on the Island of Misfit Mascots? And who's about to get voted off?

Ronald McDonald

No, not because he's a clown. Because he's the face of the obesity epidemic. An advocacy group in Boston is trying to ban him for marketing unhealthy food to impressionable youth.

But come on. The fact that kids eat McDonald's in spite of the horrifying mascots is what convinces me that the stuff is crack. Talking McNuggets straight out of the Donner Party? What was up with the Fry Kids--were they the unholy union of Cousin It and an amputee wannabe? And don't even get me started on the Grimace. No one at corporate has ever been able to answer for me what a Grimace is without stuttering and offering me a free coupon for a kiddie fry.

Ronald's the least scary option. Poor Ronald. He served McD's well. But due to fears of roaming fat kids, they dropped him faster than a Jezebel commenter criticizes Jessica Simpson's cultural insensitivity. Hell, no one will even sit with him in the mascot cafeteria at lunch. Not even Joe Camel. Which brings me to...

Joe Camel

I've been so thoroughly indoctrinated against Joe C. that to be honest I feel a little guilty even putting his picture up on my blog. When I was a kid, all I remember was the backlash against him. He stood for all that was evil in the 90s. Joe C. was our Osama Bin Laden, our Saddam, and our Perez Hilton rolled into one.

Looking back now, I don't think of him as evil. I think of him as a douchebag. Think Bowser from ShaNaNa, but douchier. Look at that tight black t-shirt with the cigs in the upper arm sleeve. He's a step away from getting his own line of designer wifebeaters at Ed Hardy. And no, you're not Corey Hart, so put down the sunglasses. I've even seen you wearing them on nighttime shoots!

Plus, you know how camels spit. I bet Joe gets up to some really disgusting shit in between the sheets. Joe, you're every Bridge and Tunnel loser that I hate. Get in your mid life crisis mobile and go back to reading The Game.

The Cookie Crisp Guys

They didn't ban the Cookie Crisp mascots. But the ads used to emphasize Cookie Crook and Chip the Dog plotting to steal the cereal while Officer Crumb shook his fist powerlessly. But per wiki, having the kiddies identify with a thief seemed somehow wrong, so Officer Crumb became the victor. (Damn, and there goes my idea for Patty Hearst'Os with Stockholm Syndrome causing ring as a cereal prize.)

Later, the whole "cop/robber" thing was dropped in favor of just having Chip the Dog as the mascot. Apparently, cops and robbers were deemed too complicated for the kids. In world where we've experienced Rodney King, Amadou Diallo, and The Wire, identifying with a cop is fraught with just as much tension as identifying with a criminal.

Cookie Monster

I know, they haven't banned him outright. If they did, that would be the last straw. A group of resentful Muppets led by Sam the Eagle would probably rise up in revolt and march around Mr. Hooper's old store with Elmo and Abby Caddaby's heads on a pike.

But they've taken away Cookie's raison d'etre. Cookies are a something food? No, a turducken is a sometimes food. Soma flavored ice cream is a sometimes food. Trout flavored ice cream--that's a sometimes food. Cookies are an always food, and I will continue to preach that as long as I have this blog. Now, where's my Sesame Street themed insulin pump?

Clippy

Clippy, you were entirely unnecessary. And even when I did manage to type a letter in Word without spontaneously combusting both myself and the laptop, I always knew you're going to pop up if I hesitated a nanosecond before writing a second paragraph. I hated the feeling that you were lurking, reading over my shoulder. Clippy, I'm going to have to quote Real Housewife Bethany--get a hobby. Go make wine in Napa. Start a book group. Spread evil rumors about binder clips. You're not needed any longer.

For once, though, people agreed with me. Clippy is no more, and I will shed no tears for him. Forget pro smoking ungulates or sugar hawking muppets--Clippy is truly the face of corporate evil.

The Ch-Ch-Charmins Bears

They like to be clean. And it's a cute take on "Does a bear shit in the woods?" But seeing them shake their asses after a good wipe with the passion and soul of repressed white people in the early 60s being taught to swivel their hips to The Twist...it's too much.

It's especially bad when I have to see close ups of the toilet paper sticking to their furry behinds. A bidet, stat. No, no one's gotten rid of these mascots yet, but I wish they would. Ban the bear!

Taco Bell Dog

Gidget, the Taco Bell dog, got the axe because she was considered a harmful stereotype. Latin American groups got her canned. To which I respond, how come poor Gidget who was a positive image had to go and nobody said boo about Tito from Oliver and Company? Tito, who was stereotypically fiery, was a criminal, and enjoyed sexually harassing Park Avenue poodles to boot?

All the same, it's an important lesson: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can 86 something that you know and love. The same Hispanic lobbyist groups who got Gidget axed were always showing up at my campfires every time I got around to telling the urban legend about the Mexican hairless dog who ends up being a rabid sewer rat, demanding that the breed of dog be changed to Scottish terrier or Welsh corgi.

So, which of these do you think is the creepiest mascot?

Project Runway Season 1 in a Minute

Since I've recapped so much other stuff in bite sized format for today's ADHD suffering reader, I decided I'd go the same route with Project Runway. Focusing less on the fashion and more on the drama we know and love. (Most of the images thanks to Tom and Lorenzo's Proj Runway blog.)

Episode 1: Gristedes

Heidi: "Your challenge? To make an outfit that expresses who you are...out of only items purchased at Gristedes."

Wendy Pepper: "She's from Rio, and I think clothes might be a jarring concept for her, and..."

Sadako: "Congratulations. Edward Said called. You are the new face of Orientalism!"

Emilio "Washers are a Girl's Best Fiend" Sosa: "She's tho very evil. But there's tho much I can learn from her."

Robert Plotkin: "You know, a woman is a lot like a fast car. Dangerous. With curves. And you definitely don't want to go jamming things in the tailpipe unless you know what you're--"

Heidi: "Thank you, Robert. The winner is Austin Scarlett, our own little Corn Husk Boy."

Ep 2: Envy

Heidi: "Your challenge. To create a garment that best says 'ENVY.'"

Wendy Pepper: "This challenge is what I'm about. Being surrounded by younger, more attractive people with better last names? Yeah, I'm jealous. Austin Scarlett? What the fuck kind of name is that?"

Robert: "A woman is a lot like a penis. You know. If you squint and don't take your glaucoma medicine."

Ep 3: Commercial Appeal

Heidi: "Today's challenge? To design a look for Banana Republic."

Robert: "Actually, you know, a woman is kind of like Sheena Queen of the Jungle at her grandma's Vassar reunion."

Austin: "So I made a pretty floral dress, and--"

Nina: "Yes, but perhaps it was...too pretty. We're going to throw hillbilly Mom a bone so we can crush her dreams when she fails."

Ep 4: Collaboration

Heidi: "Today's challenge. To create drama, tension, and a peak in the ratings by forcing you to work in teams and to then sell out one of your fellow team members. Oh, and along the way, to also create a look for rock star Sarah Hudson, please."

Sarah Hudson: "I'm a girl...I'm a girl...on the verge of a nervous breakdown!"

Sadako: "If by rock star, you mean Lite FM Diva. Come on, Vanessa's I Can't Sew song had more edge than this."

Heidi: "Who was the weakest link on your team?"

Austin: "Oh, god. I hate to sell out any member of my team--

Wendy Pepper: "Austin. I'm going to get him. Him and his pretty little last name."

Vanessa: "Probably me! I'm so batty and terrible at sewing garments. Not even quite sure why I got cast, really."

Heidi: "Tim said he liked the cheery accent. Austin?"

Austin: "I just can't choose. I think I'd almost rather send myself home--

Heidi: "That can be arranged, yes..."

Austin: "But Vanessa, if I had to choose. But I mean, really...oh my god, I'd rather cut off my own leg."

Heidi: "Vanessa, you're out."



Sadako: "Austin? You're sending her back to Merry Old England. Not Crematorium Two."

Heidi: "And Sarah Hudson, I'm sure we'll be hearing a lot from you."

And in fact, I actually did. Back when I used to peruse the half off section of Virgin Megastore, I found her debut album, along with the I Need More Allowance: The Best of the Beets and High as a Plane or Ballooney: the Memoir of Crazy Bus.

Ep 5: Wedding

Heidi: "For a little twist, the models are going to be the clients! And the challenge--a wedding dress. I hope you chose wisely because, much like characters on TV's The Critic, we adhere strictly to the code of conduct about who gets to wear white. Will your model be wearing virgin white or the slightly off color white we call whore white?"

Morganza: "White-white. Except the elbow length taffeta gloves."



Jay: "God, Morgan."

Morgan: "Jay, sorry, it's the day of the show and you have to redesign the dress. It has to be whore white."

Ep 6: Splash

Heidi: "Today's challenge. To create a bathing suit in five hours for a pool party. Your models will wear the bathing suits. You and your model will both have to impress The New York Post's Page Six editor Richard Johnson. The winner of the challenge will get a Page Six mention."

Jay: "God, Austin's such a phony. Sending over his tight assed jailbait to gyrate for Richard Johnson."

Jay: "Coming through! Jay-sus! Richard, look at my outfit, Richard. Richard? My model's walking, Richard. It's the straitjacket scene in Lady Sings the Blues meets Al Pacino circa Crusin'. I call it, Diana Has Two Leather Daddies."

Julia: "Actually, Jay, it's kind of crushing my breasts--

Jay: "You're a model. You don't have those. Tighter!"



Robert: "Did I mention a woman is like a car..."

Sadako: "If a woman is a car, this one is saying less Lambroghini and more KITT from Knight Rider."

Robert: "...she's dangerous, she's got curves..."

Guest Judge Constance White: "Excuse me? What?"

Robert: "Well. People name their cars for women, and..."

Constance White: "And that is a travesty up there with female genital mutilation and sex trafficking. I suppose next you're going to ask Heidi and me to take off our stilettos and traipse into the kitchen?"

Robert: "Maybe a woman's more like a box of chocolates."

Ep 7: Future



Tim Gunn: "All right, designers. For this futuristic challenge, we're going to a vintage fabric store."

Harvey Weinstein: "Oh, Mood does vintage?"

Tim Gunn: "No, this isn't Mood."

Bob Weinstein: "So...it's just a subsidiary of Mood?"

Tim: "It's not Mood."

Based on how Project Runway is today, asking them about non-Mood fabric stores is a bit like the conversation between Dorothy and Glinda (or Galinda) about what kind of witch Dottie is. I'd love to see the looks on the Weinsteins' faces if Tim proposed telling the designers they can use the Bluefly wall sparingly.



Aw. Poor Austin. His future was less Mad Max and more Howard's End. Back to Brideshead Part II, anyone?



But it was Kevin who got the axe. Sweet, quiet Kevin. My quiet Langdon Alger-esque guy who was very quiet, unmemorable, and enjoyed puzzles.

Ep 8: Post Office

Heidi: "Even ugly people can wear nice clothing! Your task today is to redesign the Post Office's outfit taking into consideration both function and style."

Wendy: "Someone defaced my daughter's photograph, and it's not all right, okay? This is the only one I have of her like this."

Rob: "Hey, maybe we could put her on that website for the cats that look like Hitler."



Tim: "Please don't defend the shoe to me."

Wendy: "Tim. I know I'm old, boring, and barely hip enough for the Lane Bryant show. I'll step with you into fashion land. But if you don't let me unleash a new trend of orthopedic chic, I will go insane, and I will take you with me."

Too late for that.



Jay: "My model Julia isn't here. Austin, wanna model?"



Sadako: "Oh, yes, that'll convince the people in Middle America that fashionistas aren't all gay men whose ideal body is that of a pubescent boys."

Jay: "Austin, that's the most butch I've ever seen you."

Austin: "What about the kimono I wore the other night?"

Jay: "What was butch about that?"

Austin: "Well...the leaves on the floral pattern were such a harsh shade of olive."

Heidi: "Wendy, we hated the shoe. And Rob, we wanted to take you for the affirmative action quota. Our straight guy quota is low. But you humped the Post Office Worker judge's leg, and we cannot afford to have the Post Office as our enemies."

Ep 9: Red Carpet

Heidi:"This challenge. To create a red carpet look for E!'s Nancy O'Dell."



Wendy: "So this challenge called for a sexy, hot red carpet dress, and you know, that's not me. If the challenge was Nursing Home Chic, I'd be all over that. Or if it were Polyester Soaked in Cat Urine, I pioneered that look last year for my daughter's Sandy costume in Annie."

Heidi: "You have all failed. Now get off my runway. Schnell. Nancy, what did you think? Which dress would you want to wear?"

Nancy: "They all had issues but I'd go with Wendy's."

Heidi: "Um."

Michael: "Are you sure you don't want someone on the right side of the Mason Dixon?"

Nancy: "No, I'm sure with a little tweaking, Wendy's will be fine."

Heidi: "What about the speech I prepared for Wendy last night? The one that goes, Wendy, you may not be able to design for the likes of the red carpet but there is a market for you--among the women of Middle America. The ones with hips and breasts and asses and children in the military who unironically shop at the Wal-Mart?"

Nina: "We can salvage this. We need a good villain for the final three, after all. And maybe we'll get a crazy cat lady following."

Final Results

Heidi: "Wendy, you are out. But we expect you to go far. I love your work, and I'd really love you design a dress for my upcoming renewal of wedding vows. Kara Saun, we loved your work, but Middle America's idea of fashion is disturbingly close to Zoolander. We'd like a foppish and cartoonish homosexual man to win. So, Jay, you are the winner."



Jay: "Praise JAY-sus!"

Incidentally, Seal and Heidi did go with the white trash look for their renewal of vows. I like to think Wendy was creative consultant.



So. Where are they now?

Jay's dropped the weight thanks to Celebrity Fit Club. He designs in his spare time.

Kara Saun's apparently still working but I'm not going into detail about her because somehow she's just eminently unsnarkable.

Wendy's rocking Cleveland Fashion Week. (No, I'm not actually making that up.) In her spare time, she and her (happily clean shaven) daughter bedazzle walkers for the local elderly people. (Am I making that up? You tell me.) I also have a sneaking suspicion that based on her affinity for sensible shoe ware that she's behind the monstrosities that are Vibram shoes and Crocs.

BSC #117: Claudia and the Terrible Truth

Wait, is Sadako going to snark a book...about child abuse? You're damned right. Sorry, but this book was so lowcore, I think it even makes Ann M.'s favorite old standby Five Little Peppers and How They Grew look intense. For snarking a child abuse book, I'm either getting my snark button revoked. Or receiving about a thousand new ones in the mail.

This book was ghostwritten by Ellen Miles. The same Ellen Miles who writes a series called the Puppy Place, about purebred puppies finding homes (aka, the canine Diff'rent Strokes). Ellen, whose favorite part of Chicago was the darling relationship between Roxie and her adorable, albeit fictional, baby. Ellen, who has no children, but tours Kids 'R Us to ooh and ahh over things like baby cummerbunds.

With that in mind, let's start the snark. This book is basically about Claudia finding out that some kids she's sitting for have a physically abusive dad. Before you get excited, no, it's not an established family. Mr. Newton didn't pull a Louise Woodward on Lucy. Watson didn't finally give the audience what they wanted with a smackdown on Karen they so desperately wanted (hell, even PBS was bold enough to give it to them, with Arthur and D.W.). It's a new family called the Nicholls.

Meet Mr. Nicholls. He's about the worst guy that Ellen can think of. He's got a moustache, which tips us pop culture savvy fans off right away that he's just not right.

• He's cartoonishly evil. For example, his reaction to one of his kids touching his briefcase is to make them clean the entire house. (Shave off the 'stache, and he'd make a good Disney villainness.)

• He doesn't work--he's off at job interviews most of the time. And his wife works at the library with Mrs. Kishi. The emasculation is strong in this one.

• He doesn't let his kids talk during dinner. (Ellen, you've been watching Disney's Beauty and the Beast for inspiration, haven't you? I can tell!)

• There's to be no lollygagging. Bed is for bed. Not for reading books or having fun. Mr. Nicholls is basically Captain Von Trapp without the principles (or the ability to leave Little Sadako feeling bewitched, bothered, and bewildered without knowing why).

• The kids get screamed at for getting their clothes messy or spilling anything. Mr. N also bitches about his wife taking so long to get ready when Claudia shows up at their house to sit one night. "Women," he grumps. Ellen, have you been dipping into As Good As It Gets again? I told you, not until you get your pug themed nightlight repaired.

• Finally, the most diabolical part about Mr. Nicholls? Not the Adrian Monk esque sensibilities or the yelling. When Claud tucks the boys in at night, she asks if they have any stuffed animals. They mention they used to have a toy bear and a toy tiger, but their father took them away. Claudia gasps. A life free of plush animals is a life half lived.

In sum, Mr. Nicholls is the product of Ellen Miles watching musicals featuring families with strict dads and moms who are dead (or worse--suffragettes) before Julie Andrews swooped in and made it all better.

Taking a Sad Song and Making It Better

Does Claudia save the day? You know she does! When Erica (a non BSC member) is sitting for the boys, she sees that one of the kids has a black eye and the other has bruises. Erica calls Claud, who calls her mother. Claudia and the Kishis get the kids and their mother out of there. Then they return for Mrs. Nicholls' car, pile her in it with juice and snacks, and and then send her on a four hour drive to stay with her sister (the boys' aunt) who lives in upstate New York. Despite the fact that no one files a police report or talks about divorce, you know they're going to be okay. Why? Because Aunt Rescuer has a new husky puppy.

I'm a little suspicious. Why? Because of what happened in Boy Meets World. When Shawn and Cory try to protect an abused girl, she ends up going to live with her aunt eventually. (In the case of Boy Meets World, replace cute puppy with a house full of beautiful flowers.) My theory? Ellen Miles spent a bit too much time on the cute baby parts of this book and farmed out the unimportant things like chapter 2 and the conclusion to a ghostwriter of her very own: a 90s kid who spent her youth on the orange Snick couch watching TGIF on ABC.

At the very end after the boys have left, Claudia buys a stuffed tiger and bear and sends them to the kids. And because it ends with stuffed animals, you know everything's fine.

Not shown: Mr. Nicholls stalking Claudia to the post office, ripping the head off of the tiger and sticking a GPS into it. Also not shown: the Waco-esque stand off at Mrs. Nicholls' sister's place next week.

House of Baby

Peaches and Russ make an appearance in this book. They drop off little Lynn to stay with the Kishis while they go on vacation. Mrs. Kishi takes the baby to work and forces her assistant to watch her, till Claudia comes over after school to do some baby obsessing. And because it's an Ellen Miles book, all the BSC members argue over who gets to hold and feed Lynn:

"Is she here--?" [Kristy] began loudly. Then she spotted Lynn, and her voice dropped to a whisper. "Oh, she's beautiful..." She reached out to stroke Lynn's head...

"Can you go downstairs and ask my mom to heat some formula?" I whispered to Kristy. "I bet she'll be hungry when she wakes up."

Kristy nodded. "I'll bring it up in a couple of minutes," she promised. She was still gazing at Lynn.

Lynn stretched again. "Hurry!" I said. I didn't want Lynn to have to wait.

Kristy bolted out the door. I started cooing over Lynn...

Fashionable, hip Claudia? Where have you gone? Sadako turns her lonely eyes to you. I long for the Claudia who reserved this level of enthusiasm for the new Dior mascara.

I also decided to see if I could recover the first draft of the rest of the meeting (which was edited out because it was too baby obsessive even for Ann M.).

The rest of the BSC members filed in. Stacey gasped. "She's even more beautiful than I remembered."

Mary Anne sighed. "She's as exquisite as Mrs. Towne's pleater."

Mallory piped up. "This time, Claud, do you think I might...look at her?"

I laughed. "No, Mal. But you can take one of the Infanta's used diapers."

"I'll treasure it!"

Kristy came back in with the formula. "Please deign to accept the offering," she said, head bowed.

I Smell a Cross-Over...

The puppy that Joey and Nate's aunt owns is a husky puppy. And what's the name of Ellen Miles' regular series? That's right, the Puppy Place. I smell cross-promotion! All right, all right, Ellen Miles did publish a book called Bear about a husky abandoned by his sled dog team. But that didn't happen until 2009, and this book was written in 1998.

Still, in my fantasy, this was going to be how Bear got introduced to a wider audience. Sort of the same way that Mrs. Garrett eased Diff'rent Strokes viewers into The Facts of Life, or Launch Pad introduced fans of Duck Tales to Darkwing Duck.

Abuse

I know the BSC was RL4, but it's got the most toned down abuse ever. Claudia hears a slap. We see bruises and a black eye. Mr. Nicholls yells at his kids. Granted, I was reared on A Child Called It, but c'mon. Even Miss Hannigan got in a few purple nurples and rear admirals now and then (check your deleted scenes carefully on that DVD!).

So I decided to write in my own abuse scene, inspired by my favorite abuse episode of all time.

Andrew Brewer: "Daddy's going to be so mad at Karen and me for throwing Holy Water onto Morbidda Destiny!"

Nate Nicholls: "Uh oh. Well, when you're getting it, you should think of something fun. Like the bottle dance from Fiddler."

Andrew: "Getting it?"

Nate: "Yeah, you know. When your dad gathers up all your teddy bears and has a yard sale."

Andrew: "My dad doesn't take my stuffed toys. Does...yours?"

Nate: "No! Just...forget it."

Project!

Another hallmark that this is an Ellen Miles book? The BSC charges do a special project, and it doesn't involve any mention of Fiddler on the Roof. Only someone really tight with Ann like Ellen (or someone who has an audio tape of Ann's drunken, "Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!" confession, like Peter) could get away with that. What is the special project? It's a Saint Patrick's Day parade devoid of drunkenness, cussing, stereotypes, evil leprechauns, and anything remotely fun.

Outfits, Outfits, Outfits!

Are there any wacky Claudia Kishi outfits in this book? Haven't you been paying attention? It's an Ellen Miles book. You've got a better chance of a description of the darling pantaloons on one of Mimi's old Lladró figurines. And it's not like Ellen didn't have opportunities. Claudia forgets her jacket and has to go back for it--and that's when she overhears the slap. It could have been a military double breasted Michael Jackson circa the late '80s jacket. It could have been a neon flashing LED lights bolero jacket.

But knowing Ellen, it was probably a plain old denim jacket. If I could go back in time, I'd buy Ellen a fictional bedazzler and urge her to experiment. ("I know it's tacky but if some of your outfits don't turn out so well, just let Mal and Karen wear them.") Poor Ellen. In terms of BSC couture, I can't help seeing her as the Wendy Pepper to Lerangis's Christian Siriano. (I like to think that he and his entourage of ghostwriter ghosties chant "Hot tranny mess" her until she cries at staff meetings.)

Daily Dose of Creepy

Ellen tries so hard to be edgy. And I have to admit, Mr. Nicholls calling up Claudia after his wife and kids have flown the coop to scream, "Give me back my wife" at her is up there. It's not quite as creepy as it would have been had Mr. N. called Claudia pretending to want to know if she'd seen his mustache comb before launching into a diatribe, but still.

Have a great weekend, guys, and I promise to work on my blogging this weekend so I'll have some really great posts for next week!

Movies in a Minute: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

As promised, the gripping sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer: in a minute!

Julie: "It's me, Julie James. Back again after finding out that I sort of kind of killed Ben Willis then tried to kill him again but it turns out we just took off his hand. Remember my black college roomie from the first movie? Well, since the popularity of the last film, we've upgraded."

Brandy: "He-ey! This is my honey, Ty."

Tyrell: "Wait, I'm the black male supporting cast member in a slasher franchise? I'm feeling worse about this than when I starred in O."

Will Benson: "I'm Julie's college friend who's been a supportive ear. Pay no attention to the similarities between my name and the name of the guy stalking Julie."

Ray: "Still dating Julie. Still waiting for that last credit so I can graduate the Joey Tribbiani school of acting"

Radio announcer: "Brandy? If you can answer this question, you're on your way to a trip for four to the Bahamas. What's the capitol of Brazil?"

Julie: "Rio! Rio!"

Brandy: "Is it...Rio de Janeiro?"

Radio announcer: "No. The Google-fu is lacking in you two. It's Brasilia. But that's OK. Hot people don't have to be smart."

Julie: "Ray, want to go to the Bahamas?"

Ray: "I can't, honey. I'm still a fisherman. I'll take you to Kokomo, Indiana next year. You have fun with your rich friends, though."

Will: "I'll take his place and listen to all your hopes and dreams. You'll never have to remind me to look up when I'm speaking to you. Plus, in my spare time, I like to build furniture and have a conversation about where it should best be placed."

Ray: "Maybe I should go to the Bahamas."

Sadako: "You wouldn't have to bring the inflatable inner tube, if you know what I mean."

Ray: "Let's drive up and surprise Julie!"

Expendable Best Buddy: "Hey, is that guy lying in the middle of the road okay?"

Ray: "Hmm. Let's split up. I'll go see if he's okay."

Ben Willis: "Surprise. I'm back. With a hook for a hand this time. Yup, the serial killers disability union has some awesome perks."

Ray: "Summon up all your courage, Ray. You're going to the Bahamas to protect Julie. But first--to pawn my ring for Julie and buy a gun. Is it loaded?"

Pawn Star: "No."

Ray: "Well, load it for me. Do I look like the competent one?"

Sadako: "Julie and co are going to the Bahamas!"

Will BENson: "Oh my god. Oh my god. Gotta fly Qantas..."

"Heh. White folks can't fly."

Jack Black: "Meesa name Jack Black! Anybody wanna get high?"

Sadako: "You're the worst character ever, Jack Black."

Hotel manager: "Oh yeah, this is the off-season. It's our version of winter."

Sadako: "Cough. SET UP. Cough."

Tyrell: "Gee, it's slow in here."

Barkeep: "What'll it be, boys?"

Will "Son of Ben" Benson: "Why're you here, if it's the off-season? Did a man break your heart?"

Barkeep: "They thought the movie wouldn't be edgy enough if no pretty white girls died."

Julie: "I will survive...hey...hey--OH MY GOD."

All: "What? What?"

Barkeep: "I still know the way to make your make up run...chill, hon, as the token alterna chick, Fall Out Boy's The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes was my contribution."

Julie: "Uh. I'm fine. It's probably nothing. The fact that I'm this decade's Jamie Lee Curtis except with less genital speculation is probably not worth noting at all."

Tyrell: "Girl, you so fine..."

Jack Black: "Wanna get high?"

Sadako: "Objects in hot tub may be more irritating than they seem."

Julie: "Oh my god, oh my god!"

All: "What? WHAT?"

Julie: "I swear to god, there was a dead body but it's gone."

Sadako: "That happens to me, too, except with bugs. The trick is Raid and a glass jar."

Tyrell and Will: "Sick! Most of the non white cast! Dead."

Tyrell: "Crap. Voodoo. Julie's toothbrush. My honey's hair tie."

Julie: "I knew I was looking less pneumatic than usual!"

All: "Estes! He must be the killer."

Estes: "No, I'm doing it to protect you. I found the bodies this morning, and rather than radio to the coast guard or try to tell anyone, I thought I'd practice some voodoo to keep you kids safe."

Julie: "Are you sure?"

Estes: "This is where old Ben Willis killed his wife years ago. Yup, old Ben Willis was something of a snowbird. Here are some gravestones."

Sadako: "Ben, how could you. Graffiti?"

Julie: "I won't let you kill me, Ben!"

Brandy: "Hey, where'd Estes go?"

Will "Stop or My Dad Will Hook You" Benson: "Uh, guys, I'm just gonna go after the voodoo practitioner. No, I don't have to worry about getting killed because--um, I have to go now."

Tyrell: "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Julie."

Julie: "It's okay. I definitely didn't contribute to the problem by failing to disclose my Final Girl status."

Brandy: "But I told you about the time I lost my ass virginity. I thought we were friends!"

Barkeep: "Hey, this is my hiding space."

Tyrell: "It's cool--"

Brandy: "TY!"

Julie: "Run away!"

Barkeep: "Leave her. She's as good as dead. Let's focus on me. I'm a pretty white girl."

Julie: "Shut up!"

Nancy Grace: "I object."

Sadako: "Uh, Julie? There's three of you versus one of him. Plus you just used a sharp axe to get Brandy out of a locked room whereas he's armed with a rusty hook. Come on. Make Gloria Steinem a little proud."

Julie: "But can brunettes go undercover as Playboy bunnies? Oh, hey! It's Will! And he's bleeding!"

Will: "Can you guys go get the first-aid kit?"

Barkeep: "Doesn't this technically constitute...splitting up?"

Will: "Can you please give us a minute? I've been trying to get my moment alone with her for days now and every time I get cockblocked, so..."

Brandy: "Oh...oh...OHHH. Text us later, girl!"

Will: "Yeah, that's actually not my blood. Yup, I'm the killer. Well, technically I'm an unpaid intern to the killer. I'm Will Benson. Will, Ben's son? This vacation was all a sham. Come on, don't act so surprised. Scooby Doo logic said it was me."

Julie: "Why are you doing this to me?!"

Will: "Me, me, me. It's always about you. I'm having bad dreams. I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in school. I'm having trouble with my boyfriend. Now come on. It's time for the big showdown."

Sadako: "I like him."

Julie: *attempted knifing*

Will: *Punch* "What'd you have to do that for?"

Will: "Hi Dad!"

Ben Willis: "Well, we've killed off all the people whose crime was being nonwhite. Let's get to the only two people who we actually bear a grudge against. Go on. Just like daddy showed you."

Jason Voorhees: "Aw. That reminds me--I should really give Mom a call."

Ray: "Wait, I'm here, too, with a gun! Can someone get the safety off for me?"

Will: "Hook him, dad!"

Ray: *duck*

Ben: "I...have no son. Literally."

Freddie Prinze, Sr.: "Can we trade?"

Julie: "Die, Ben, die!"

Sadako: "Brandy! You're alive! And your distressed jeans are looking even nicer than before!"

Brandy: "Hey, guys. If anyone asks, let's not tell 'em it rained the whole time, kay."

All: *chuckle*

Sadako: "I'll take delayed PTSD for two thousand, Alex."