Monday, April 5, 2010

Movies in a Minute: I Know What You Did Last Summer

Back by popular demand, it's Sadako's Movies in a Minute!

Beauty pageant MC: "And saving the world and helping people, Helen. Good thing or bad thing?"

Helen: "Um...good thing?"

Beauty pageant MC: "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!"

Helen: "I owe it all to my hair. You know, it's all about the hair. Having great hair is the secret of my success. Yup, I really love my hair."

Samson: "Just a thought. You might want to be careful what you say."

Max: "Hi, wanna go out with me?"

Julie: "Oh, well--"

Barry: "She's not interested, loser, and anyway there's only room for one wrong side of the tracks poor kid! And that's how you defend your girlfriend."

Ray: "So...the girl's afraid that the escaped mental patient with a hook for a hand is out to get them. She hears noises, so they leave--

Julie: "No, no, the hooked guy was hanging from a tree dripping..."

Ray: "No, the hook was caught in the car door!"

Sadako: "Is that foreshadowing I see before me?"

All: "Oh no!"

Barry: "This could ruin our reputations! College. Scholarships. My chance to be quarterback next fall."

Sadako: "I think you're pronouncing waterboy wrong."

Julie: "We have to do the right thing and report this."

Ray: "I'm scared, Julie. I'm not like the rest of you. I don't have the family or the money to get me out of this."

Freddie Prinze, Sr.: "That's the last time I demonically possess another movie producer to get you a film role. Next role, you're on the casting couch, son."

Helen: "He's still alive! Push him off the dock!"

Barry: "Now we swear we never tell."

Julie: "Meh."


Ray: "Do you think you could let go of my girlfriend now, Barry? She's not real fond of the asphyxiation--no, okay, that's cool."

Julie: "OK, Barry, we take this to the grave."

Ray: "You know what would be a good idea? Let's split up!"

One year later.

Julie: "Oh no."

Sadako: "Ooh, introduction to the rest of the cast. Barry Cox, angrier than ever. Helen Shivers, whose New York career as a actress cum model cum waitress fell through. And then there's Ray."

Julie: "So you're a fisherman."

Ray: "Prophecy fulfilled. I've become my father."

Freddie Prinze, Sr.: "Please don't say that."

Sadako: "This movie isn't very good. But what can I say? now that I've seen the first death...I'm hooked. Looks like I've become my mentor. The Crypt Keeper."

Julie: "The guy ran you over with a car. We have to tell the police what happened."

Barry: "We made a pact!"

Helen: "But someone tried to kill you. This secret is killing us."

Barry: "Does a promise mean nothing to you people? Has no one here read the time honored words of Horton the Elephant?"

Julie: "Let's play girl detective, Helen. Turns out our victim was called David Egan. Let's find his family."

Melissa Egan: "I'm David's sister. What do you varmints want?"

Julie: "See, ladies and gentlemen of the audience. We may have committed manslaughter, but the guy we killed lived in a ramshackle house with a creepy sister straight out of Deliverance. Aren't we getting more and more sympathetic by the minute?

Helen: "Come on, do we have to show a few more shots of Anne Heche in sack cloth before you get the idea?"

Julie: "So..."

Melissa: "You know, things just ain't been the same since my brother died. David Egan. It done tore my family 'part. My daddy died choking on some chewing tobacky, and my mama's in a home where she sits rocking back and forth crying out my brother's name. I don't really know why I'm tellin' you this. Must be on account of how simple I am."

Helen: "Didn't David used to hang out with that guy? You know...that guy? With a name? And I think he had...limbs? Did his name begin with, C...H?"

John Edward: "Acting may not have worked out for you, Helen, but there's a place for you among the psychics. You got the gift!"

Melissa: "Now that you mention it, yes. There was this one guy. He stopped by after David died, and I fell for him. It didn't work out because being around me was just too gosh darned painful for him. Blue. Billy Blue."

Julie: "We should go."

Melissa: "Really? I was kind of hoping I could pour out my soul about the time my mother told me she wished I'd never been born, as well as a few other close kept secrets. Please?"

Helen: "You know, maybe David Egan was trying to commit suicide. Maybe he was sitting in the road waiting for us."

Julie: "Now that I think about it, we could be heroes. Dr. Kevorkian might even give us a plaque."

Hooked Killer: "Ohh, trapped in the closet."

"My hair! It's...slightly shorter!"

Sadako: "This scene loses pretty much all its emotional resonance the first time you watch The Godfather."

Julie: "He gave me crabs! Oh, and uh, Max is dead."

Barry: "Ray! It's you! You're behind it."

Ray: "No, he's targeting me. He sent me a letter!"

Barry: "Oh, a letter? Julie gets a dead body in her trunk, someone cuts off Helen's hair, I get run over..."

Ray: "Whoa, back up. Someone cut off Helen's hair?"

Julie: "Okay, I'm going back to the Egan place with a yearbook so Melissa can ID this Billy Blue guy. Helen, you go ride in the float since you're last year's beauty queen. Barry, keep an eye on her in case the slicker mafia shows up."

Barry: "I'll POUND his ass. POUND IT."

Ray: "Listen to yourself. You sound like a bunch of vigilantes. Can't we all just get along?"

Barry: "Could you man up a little? I've been filling the entire testosterone quotient of this film. I bawled out the creep hitting on your girlfriend. I'm walking around trying to look menacing. Could you do SOMETHING?"

Julie: "Ray, we can't leave town. We have to face this! What's it gonna be?"

Ray: Think back to lesson one of the Joey Tribbiani school of acting. To seem thoughtful, am I supposed to pretend to smell a fart or divide 17 by 187? "Hey guys, let's split up!"

Back at Casa Egan...

Julie: "Ew. Dead animals. Rustic setting. Oh, don't you see, viewer? We did David Egan a favor taking him out of this world."

Melissa Egan: "Oh. You again."

Julie: "What happened to your wasn't an accident."

Missy: "I know. It was a suicide. He left a note that I've kept hidden because otherwise the insurance company wouldn't give us the money. The whole town blamed him for being the driver in that accident that killed his girlfriend, Susan Willis. Car done went over the edge, and she drowned. Her pappy, Ben, never got over it. Neither did David. That's what drove him to suicide."

Julie: "Well. That. And the fish guts."

Missy: "I'll show you the suicide note. I could get all the insurance money revoked, but what the hell. You look like good people."

Julie: "This isn't a suicide note. This is a death threat. Look, I was there, it was an accident. I know it was him. I saw the tattoo of Susan on his arm--"

Missy: "Git out! My brother didn't have no tattoo. GIT!"

Meanwhile, back at Beauty Pageant Redux...

Helen: "Look! He's gonna kill him, he's up in the balcony!"

Hooded Hook: "Naive Helen. I told you. No one else can see me. I'm like Harvey, only evil. Well. Eviler."

Police: "Stay calm. No one move. Let's give hook guy enough time to clean up the blood and remove the body and then let's go up."

"Cute blonde girl dead, too. Now, to wish the body, bloodstains, and any other incriminating evidence to the cornfield."

Julie: "Ray! We didn't kill David Egan. Susan's father, Ben Willis did, in revenge for what happened to his daughter. That's why the guy we killed had a Susan tattoo on his shoulder."

Ray: "Wait. Are you saying...I don't know what you're saying."

Julie: "Ben Willis killed David. Then we killed Ben. Only we didn't."

Ray: "Huh?"

Julie: "Wait a minute. Your boat is called Billy Blue? It's a name I've heard before, so it must mean you're the killer!"

Strange man: *knock out*

Julie: "Call the police, he's trying to kill me."

Strange man: "Go get on the boat. Now!"

Julie: "Okay. Do you want me to unhook my bra, and blindfold and drug myself, to make it easier on you, Mr. Insane Killer?"

Sadako: "Jump off the boat, moron. It's not that far. Head to safety. I don't care if you can't swim--use those double D flotation devices for something."

Ray: "Ray to the rescue!"

Julie: "So you see. We didn't kill anyone. We just tried to kill a guy who turned out to be a murderer anyway. See? We're not bad kids, really. We're practically an Abercrombie and Fitch ad."

Lois Duncan: "That's not what happened! I wrote the original book, and the kid they hit was a small boy, and they left the scene of the crime--

Screenplay Writer Kevin Williamson: "Moral ambiguity, be gone! Away with ye! Frolic, hot children, frolic."

But some things don't stay dead.

Johnny Galecki: "Dream on, hotties. You may have thought the last you'd see of me was as a dead guy in a car trunk, but my career is back!"

Sadako: "There are still some unanswered questions. How did Ben Willis figure out who all the kids were? Also, wasn't his face horribly mutilated by the accident? Why did Ben kill Max--he wasn't involved. Why did Ray lie about having been to see Missy Egan? Why did no one in the parade notice Helen being hacked to pieces less than ten feet away?"

Kevin Williamson: "All great questions. Oops, I think I left the oven on--'scuse me."