Movies in a Minute: Disney's Oliver and Company

Huey Lewis: "Finally! The chance to show that I'm about more than providing songs to be ripped off in Ghostbusters or filler songs in Back to the Future! 'Cause it's always once upon a time in New York City..."



Oliver: "Mew! Help! I'm as lost as Joey Lawrence in a TV show where he's playing a character not named Joey!"



Dodger: "Come on. Let's you and me steal some sausages."

Oliver: "Cool! When are we gonna eat?"

Dodger: "We? Sorry. I only look out for myself. Our dynamic duo has just become a dynamic uno!"

Oliver: "Hey! Wait! I can haz access to goods that are legally mine?!"



Dodger: "You want the sausages? And to maybe worm your way into my heart and teach me about empathy? Come and get 'em! Why should I worry? Tell me, why should I care?"



Pierre: "I could come up with a reason..."

All: "Dodger!"

Dodger: "Hey guys. Who wants sausage? These ones come pre dipped in cement, hydrant water, and angry feline slobber."

Oliver: *Mew*



Rita: "Cool it, guys, it's just a cat."

Tito: "Dios mio, un gato!"

Benji: "Mr. Eisner? Admit it. The real reason you turned down my request to become animated was because you found a Hispanic dog who would work for slave wages, right?"

Sykes: "Where's the money, Fagin?"

Fagin: "Maybe the animated version of Mr. Bumble has it?"

Sykes: "Do you know what happens when people don't pay me back? People get hurt."



Fagin: "Please, I'll pay back the debt I owe you!"

Sadako: "Fellow liberal arts student facing student loans, eh?"

Fagin: "We've got two days to make enough money to pay back Mr. Sykes. Dodger, keep an eye on the new kid. Show him the ropes."

Oliver: "What kind of work do we do, anyway?"



Dodger: "There's no real way to Disneyfy You've Got to Pick a Pocket or Two, so let's not really address that."

Tito: "You be lookout."

Oliver: "Okay! What's a lookout?"



Tito: "Aye! Mi madre! Just look out the weendow, okay?"

Jennifer Lopez Hand: "Hey cholo, want to form an ethnic stereotype support group?"

Jenny: "Hi there! Aww. A kitty!"

Rita: "What happened to the kid?"

Dodger: "We've got to rescue him!"

Jenny: "Here, Oliver. You get your own bowl and your own toys."

Winston: "Georgette isn't going to like this."



Georgette: Girl, we've got a lot of work to do...perfect isn't easy.

Sadako: "Apparently it requires owning stock in Latisse and the ability to apply an amount of eyeshadow that would make Patsy Ramsey blush at the tastelessness."



Jenny: "Oh, Oliver. You're so great. You and me together / Will be...forever..."

Sadako: "I'ma let you you finish, Jenny, but Fern and Wilbur's song There Must Be Something More was one of the best owner/animal friendship songs of ALL TIME."

Georgette: "Grrr..."

Dodger: "Let's find the kid. Hey. This place doesn't look so bad..."



Tito: "Hey man, if thees is torture, chain me to the wall!"



Gidget: "How is it that loving Taco Bell got me thrown off the campaign by irate Hispanic pride groups and nothing happened to Tito? Please, someone tell me!"



Georgette: "WINSTON! Bark bark bark! Don't come any closer! I knew this would happen one day!"

Dodger: "Hey, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's not you we're after."

Georgette: "It's not?! Well, why not? What's the problem? I mean, do you even know who I am? Fifty six blue ribbons, six time national champion!"

Sadako: "And the canine doing the most to perpetuate rape and sexual assault myths."

Dodger: "We'll leave as soon as we get our cat."

Georgette: "Here you go! Bye now!"

Francis: "Welcome home, Oliver!"

Oliver: "What? Huh? I'm sorry, guys. But I had a home. And it's a Park Avenue townhouse in pre-gentrified New York!"

Dodger: "We're your family! We risked a lot to get you back here."



Oliver: "Dodger, I'm sorry--



Dodger: "Fine, kid, if you wanna go, go. No one's forcing you. Walk out on me if you like. If you hurry, you can catch up with Christie Brinkley."



Fagin: *sigh* "So that's where you've been, Oliver. You're doing well for yourself. Hey, wait a minute! We're saved! Huzzah for felonies!"

Jenny: "Oliver's been kidnapped! Come on, Georgette. Let's rescue him!"



Fagin: "You're Oliver's owner? The big blue eyes. The piggy bank. Sigh. I can't resist the pathos. Okay, here's your cat."

Sykes: "Yoink. Consider our account closed."



Jenny: "Help! Save me!"

Fagin: "Come on, guys!"

Oliver: "..."



Jenny: "Oliver? Oliver?!"

Oliver: "Mew!"

Jenny: "Oliver, you're alive!"



Lucky: "Eh. It's been done."



All: "Happy birthday, Jenny!"

Sadako: "A birthday attended by a bum who doesn't pay his debts, feral dogs, and the hired help. I think this is creepier than the time my parents hired David Friedman to be the clown at my party when I turned six."

Dodger: "Later, kid. We'll save a spot for you. Uptown chapter!"

All: "Why should we worry? Why should we caaaaare?"

As Retold by Sadako: Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret

I actually didn't write a new blog post for this week, so I'm reposting this one. Since it was banned book week...not that long ago, and plus one of my loyal readers requested a Judy Blume book for banned book week. (Posting an old one about a week after that time period is a little half assed, but I figured I'd go with it.) Enjoy, and I promise to do an actual post for next time.



Growing up in this culture, I don't think I quite understood what it meant to be a girl. I came late to clothing and makeup, getting my period didn't mean anything to me, and I only get a C- in bitchery. That's why I had Judy Blume, to teach me what it meant to be a girl/woman in American culture. So, let's do a few selected (retold) readings of Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, the book that is essentially a love letter to menstruation. Let's see what we can learn about being a preteen girl.

Be proud of your body!

"Oh, you're still flat," Nancy said when she saw me changing into my bathing suit. "You haven't got your period yet, have you? I bet you haven't even had a yeast infection."

I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. "I'm growing already," Nancy continued. "I haven't gotten my period but I'm already getting a viscous vaginal discharge associated with ovulation. And I almost had a UTI once, too."

At school, Nancy and I were in the same class. The first day I saw a tall girl who I thought was the teacher. She was really pretty and she was wearing a bra--a big one. I stared at her bra through the shirt but I couldn't figure out the exact size. (Later, Nancy told me it was a 36B--she was sitting closer and had managed to get close enough to read the tag that was just sticking out.) The girl's name was Laura Danker. For some reason, she seemed shy and didn't talk to anyone.

You don't have anything unless you have your friends!

Nancy, and her friends, Gretchen, Janie, and I all met at Nancy's house after school to form a club.

"Did you see Laura Danker?" giggled Nancy. "You stay away from her--she has a bad reputation. Men can't help looking at her."

"But do you think she looks that way on purpose?" I asked.

The others laughed. "Oh, Margaret," said Nancy. "She's not like an actual person--she's a dumping ground for our insecurities."

I stayed quiet then.

"Let's come up with rules," said Nancy. We'll call ourselves the Pre-Teen Sensations. Or PTS's. That's a great name because it rhymes with PMS--the most glorious time in a woman's life. Now, the first rule: we have to wear bras every day."

Gretchen added, "We never wear a tank top more than twice in a row."

Nancy interrupted, "We also make a pact to recite our mantra--We must we must increase our bust every day. But we also resolve not to get a cup size bigger than any of the other PTS's. Or risk being called a slut."

Menstruation is marvelous!

I found out that Nancy and Gretchen had already gotten their periods. It wasn't fair, I thought. I couldn't be the last one, God, I just couldn't! Later, Nancy's family took me on a trip into the city. We had dinner and then Nancy and I went to the bathroom together.

Nancy suddenly locked herself in the bathroom stall, crying. "Get my mother!" she yelled.

"She's getting her period," Nancy's mother told me after she'd spoken to Nancy. I must have looked strange because she explained, "It's her first time."

"Where are the unicorns and glitter?!" I heard Nancy cry.

I couldn't believe it. Nancy had lied about getting her period! And if I hadn't been here, I would never have known.

Another screech came from the bathroom stall. "And why aren't the bloodclots accompanied by a capella bursts of Girl you'll be a woman soon!"

Sometimes all is not what we think it is!

Laura Danker and I were in the same group for our final class project. I couldn't believe it. Nancy had told me all about how Laura, Nancy's brother, and his friend Moose went behind the A&P. It was disgusting. One day when Laura and I were taking notes in the library, Laura told me not to copy word for word. "We'll get in trouble if our report is plagiarized."

"Laura, you ignorant slut!" I said to her.

"Excuse me?"

"You go behind the A&P with Moose and Evan. And you're practically a 36C! You're almost a D! Couldn't you show a little shame and stick to a B cup while we're in sixth grade? And do you have to have the perfect body and face? Couldn't you be a butterface or something? It's not fair how all the guys want to dance with you and not with the rest of us during square dancing!"

"You liar! You...pig!" Laura stared at me, in shock. "You think it's fun being stared at and called a slut for having huge breasts?"

"Well. Yeah. Isn't that the point of being a girl?"

"I'd gladly trade places with you," Laura told me. Then she stormed off while I tried to apologize. Later I found out from Moose that it was all lies, about Laura and the A&P. I felt bad for making fun of Laura. I'd learned an important lesson that day. Only gossip about girls behind they're back if you're sure--and I mean absolutely sure--they do bad things with boys.

Good things come to those who wait!

It was right after I found out about Laura that I got my period! I was so relieved. I wasn't the last one in my group! There was still Janie. Poor flat, uterus-lining challenged Janie, I thought to myself. It was so wonderful to have a friend less developed than me, whom I could brag to about having the right brand of pad--Teenage Softies, of course.

I was so glad to have gotten my period before I left for camp. Now there would be shorts to worry about ruining, cramps to agonize over, and there would be an increased chance of being attacked and eaten by bears on nature hikes. Thank you, God, thank you.

Movies in a Minute: Mamma Mia!

I finally got around to snarking it! Mamma Mia, or the musical I like to refer to as a disco infused Maury Povich paternity test episode.

Friend #1: "Sophie, you're getting married! Isn't it wonderful?"

Friend #2: "And you're getting married in Greece, the most romantic place ever according to Travel magazine and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!"



Sophie: "There's just one thing. I read my mom's diary. Twenty years ago when my mom was ovulating, she decided to maximize her evolutionary potential with three mates."

Friends: "Whoa. Sophie!"

Sophie: "So I invited all three of my possible dads to come to my wedding so one of them can give me away. I'm not sure which one of them is my dad but I'm sure we can resolve that little issue in two acts. Come on, let's sing about my dad. Honey, honey, touch me baby..."

All: "Honey honey, how you thrill me...the way that you kiss good night, the way that you hold me tight, I feel like I wanna sing, when you do your...thing!"

Dr. Freud: "So tell me about your formative years."



Donna: "Rosie, my dowdy feminist friend! Tanya, my wild plastic surgery addicted friend! Welcome to my daughter's wedding!"

Sam, Bill, Harry: "Hello."



Sophie: "My mom doesn't know you guys are here. Why don't you hang out here without letting her know you've arrived? If you get bored there's a chapter of the organization Men With Dull Monosyllabic Names you could visit."

Donna: "Uh oh. Three one night stands from my past! I've been cheated by you and I think you know when..."

Sadako: "Funny how this talk of betrayal didn't make it into your journal."

Sam, Bill, Harry: "Hello, Donna."

Sam: "Don't worry. We know you're planning a wedding and we won't be any trouble. Harry's just on holiday and Bill's always up for a good adventure."

Donna: "And what about you?"

Sam: "I'm the Pierce Brosnan character and therefore the only legitimate love interest."

Donna: *sob*



Rosie: "Donna? What is it? Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong..."

Donna: "Um, well, my daughter's three possible dads are here..."



Tanya: "Three possible dads? You minx! Remember the old days? Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!"

Benny Andersson: "Do you enjoy the timeless classical disco stylings of ABBA? Order now and these can all be yours.

Sophie: "My three dads, don't go! Let's sing a song about you courting my mom."

Benny Andersson: "But wait! Order in the next five minutes and we'll throw in the filler songs that no one really likes."

All: "I can still recall our last summer..."

Harry: "I remember when I traded my Johnny Rotten t-shirt for a guitar for your mom."

Bill: "Ah, and flower power. That was big back in that nebulous vague period of time we all grew up in."

Sky: "Hey, Sophie. We're forty five minutes into this movie, and I figured I'd show up to remind everyone I'm your fiance."

Sophie: "Sky! Growing up fatherless has prompted me to obsessively imprint on the first man who shows me attention. You love me, Sky, right? I need validation and an excuse for a song about co-dependency."

Sky: "Don't goooo wasting your emooootion..."



Sophie: "I feel a kind of fear, when I don't have you near, unsatisfied, I skip my pride, I beg you, dear..."

Donna: "Who wants to hear another timeless classic from the golden days of disco? I mean, have a bachelorette party."

Sophie: "I just wish I knew who my dad was."

All: "Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight!"

Sadako: "I'm not sure this movie could get any more incestuous unless John Philips was invited to write a few extra songs."

Bill: "So how'd your mom get the money for this place?"

Sophie: "My mom lived with an old lady named Sofia when I was little. She left her the money to start this place up."

Bill: "My great aunt Sofia? But I heard that her money went to family. Wait a minute. How old are you?"

Sophie: "Twenty."

Bill: "Um. Will you excuse me a second?"

Sadako: "I know we're meant to think Bill is pondering whether or not he'd make a good dad, but I'd also like to think he's wondering about the society of homeless cats that would rightfully have gotten that money if Donna hadn't convinced Aunt Sofia she was the mother of Bill's love child."

Sophie: "Do you have kids, Harry?"

Harry: "No. Can we stop pretending it's meant to be a big revelation when you find out I'm gay?"



Bill: "I'm your dad! Don't worry, I'll give you away at your wedding."

Sam: "Me too!"

Harry: "Me too!"

Sadako: "Peer pressure rears its ugly head."

Sophie: "Sky? I have to tell you something. I have three possible dads and I invited--"

Sadako: "Yes, yes, we've all heard Honey Honey and been paying somewhat close attention to the plot."

Sky: "You did what?! Was this big white wedding just an excuse to find your father?"

Sophie: "No! I also thought it might launch a reality show that would be good publicity for my mom's hotel."

Sam: "Donna, this wedding's a mistake. Sophie's just doing it because she wants to stay here with you when she should be out on her own. Maybe if she thought she wasn't leaving you here on your own..."

Donna: "Shut up! I love being on my own! I'm free and I'm single and it's great!"

Sadako: "Uh oh. An unmarried woman proclaims that singlehood is a good thing? Cue the lonely woman on the verge of crying into her strawberry mocha ice cream about wishing she had a man sequence."

Sam: "Donna, I wish I could say this in words, but I need the haunting crescendo of a synthesizer to express my feelings. Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood. It used to feel so nice, it used to be so good..."



Donna: "So when you're near me darling can't you hear me S.O.S..."

Sadako: "Nothing more poignant than angst over a romance that happened twenty years and was wedged in between hook ups with Colin Firth and a hot Swede."

Pepper: "Come on, Tanya, let's hook up. It's always been my dream to hook up with a wealthy white lady."

Tanya: "Does your mother know..."

Pepper: "She's cool with it as long as you don't know what pre-nup means."



Sophie: "Mom, would you give me away at my wedding?"

Sadako: "That's sweet, but is the aisle of your tiny, quaint Greek chapel wide enough to accommodate four?"

Harry: "Wasn't I supposed to do something?"

Bill: "Me too. Was it seduce the dowdy feminist friend or walk my daughter down the aisle?"

Sky: "Sophie? Aren't we supposed to be pissed at each other based on the last time we saw each other?"



Sophie: "No, the drama's shifted to everyone publicly wondering who my daddy is."

Donna: "I just don't know!"

Sadako: "That's not what you told Aunt Sofia all those years ago when you were angling for the cash for a Greek Motel 6!"

Sophie: "Mom, you're my mother, and I love you, even if you've slept with hundreds of men."

Donna: "Aw. I'm not a slut, though, middle aged members of the audience--feel free to continue to identify with me."

Sam: "I don't mind being a 33% shareholder in the corporation that is fatherhood."

Bill: "So...this wasn't a scheme to hit us up for back child support? I'm cool with it. I'll be one third of your dad, too."

Harry: "King Solomon had the right idea. Cut me a third of my kid, please."

Sophie: "Sky, let's not get married. I got what I wanted--a huge wedding that my broke mom can barely pay for, which I'm not going to use. A parenting scheme modeled after Full House. The knowledge that a hot guy wants me. Let's just go travel around the world and then ask mom to give us our own taverna franchise."

Sadako: "Dammit, the movie poster promised me a walk down the aisle I'd never forget."

Sam: "Let's not let this cute, overseas wedding go to waste. Donna, based on the brief romance we had two decades ago, let's get married."

Donna: "Are you kidding? I am not a bigamist."

Sophie: "At least one of my parents isn't."

Sam: "Neither am I. I'm a divorced man who's been in love with you for 21 years but never thought to pick up the phone. I tried to find you after I left, but you'd shacked up with someone else. So I married someone else. But now I see you gave birth to what might be my child, and we're both single, and it's all very As Time Goes By for the trailer park set. Want to pick up where we left off?"

Donna: "I do, I do, I do, I do..."

Bill: "None of that's for me. I'm a writer. I'm a lone wolf. And I've had so little character development, I've got to stuff all my traits in at once when they give me a chance for dialog."



Rose: "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line..."

Bill: "Ew, desperate middle aged cooties."

Harry: "Did I drop enough hints that I'm gay?"

All: "Dancing queen..."

Boy Meets World in a Minute

Fred Savage: "I'm handing down the Savage brother tradition of the bildingsroman sitcom where a young kid matures into an adult. Think you can handle it?"



Cory: "Of course. I am...COMING OF AGE BOY!"

Shawn: "Cory, I threw a cherry bomb into a mailbox. What's going to happen to me?"

Sadako: "You'll be the sexiest thing to the preteen girl demographic since S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders made the middle school reading list."

Minkus: "Mr. Feeny, I know the answer to this one!"



Mr. Feeny: "All well and good, Mr. Minkus. But we're in high school now and everyone who isn't Cory, Shawn, Topanga and myself can join Miss Bliss and her class for cookies and apple juice before being wished away to the cornfield."

Eric: "Mr. Feeny, I just don't think I'm smart enough to go to college."

Mr. Feeny: "Nonsense, Mr. Matthews. If you truly apply yourself, you will get into a fine institution. And rampant grade inflation will take care of the rest."

Sadako: "Listen to him. He's mentored the young doctors at St. Elsewhere, most members of the Second Continental Congress, and even David Hasselhoff."



Mr. Turner: "Hi, everyone. I'm Jonathan Turner. Please, don't call me Mr. Turner--that's my dad's name!"



Mr. Feeny: "It's going to take a lot more than sitting backwards in a chair and a quirky set of neckties to reach these kids, Mr. Turner. It takes years to hone the craft. And to grow a convincing, slightly graying, mustache."

Cory: "Uh, Shawn, who is that?"

Shawn: "Oh, that's my older half brother. He's kind of a jerk."

Cory: "You have a half brother?"

Shawn: "Yeah, the writers thought it explained my angst."

Cory: "So, Topanga, for our anniversary gift I got you some patchouli oil and membership in Philadelphia's only vegan collective."

Topanga: "Silly Cory. Hippies are so season one. My new hobbies are layering my hair and whittling down my list of female friends."

Cory: "Shawn, want to dress up as a girl?"

Shawn: "Actually, yeah..."



Cory: "At last! The perfect woman! I mean, the perfect school newspaper assignment."

Producers of Quiz Show: "You guys are adorable! Edutainment won't be this much fun till a Hispanic three year old with a talking back pack arrives on the scene."



Mr. Feeny: "Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new book every six month. Yours gets a new web page every six seconds. How do you use it? To beat King Koopa and rescue the princess!"

Donkey Kong: "To be fair, some of them were using that knowledge for the worthy goal of helping me save my banana hoard from the Kremlings."

Topanga: "Cory, I'm moving away to Pittsburgh."

Cory: "No! You should stay here with me! We've been together all our lives!"

Sadako: "Let's just retcon away seasons one and two and the fact that you have more convincing chemistry with Shawn."

Mr. Mack: "Shawn, join our cult, Shawn."

Cult: "Shawn! We accept you, one of us, one of us!"

Mr. Turner: "Cults're bad, mmmkay, Shawn? If you join a club, mmkay, you're bad."

Cory: "Shawn, come on. Mr. Turner's been in a motorcycle accident."

Shawn: "No! I need Mr. Mack! Or barring that, for someone to read aloud from one of the Hare Krishna scenes in Face on the Milk Carton."

Cory: "Turner was there for you, Shawn, when you needed him. You owe him a nice monologue and a couple of tears before we rip down his apartment set and replace it with your new digs."

Mr. Turner: "But I followed all the rules! I took in a hard luck case. I made learning cool. I always wore a helmet."

Scarred Boy Meets World fans: "Where have you gone, Mr. Turner, a generation turns its lonely eyes to you."

Jack: "Hi, everyone. I'm new in town and was looking for a Philly cheesesteak, roommate, and a group of friends looking to fill the blandly cute role."

Shawn: "That guy's my half brother! His mom left my dad and he totally walked out on me for a better life! I still remember him, even though presumably he left before I was even a glint in my fertile daddy's eye."

Chet Hunter: "You should live with Jack and Eric, son. I've done a total of three weeks of parenting during your lifetime, and that's enough for anyone."

Joey Potter: "You want to fight it out for who has the worst father?"

Sadako: "I think Topanga wins. Three different dads and not one of them noticed that her older sister went MIA several seasons ago."

Jack: "Welcome home, Shawn. I hope you like it here."

Class Conflict: "ROAAAAAR!"



Lauren: "Hey, Cory. You look like the kind of guy who won't pen an embarrassing song called Lady L and who doesn't have a Neil Peart fetish. Wanna spend some time in my jacket?"

Topanga: "I knew it. All this time, you were fantasizing about someone with a normal name, weren't you? If I were an Alison, a Jennifer, or a Kelly, this would never have happened."

Cory: "Topanga, wait!"

Shawn: "Besides the meth lab next door in the trailer park, you guys were the only thing resembling stability in my life. Everything else I've ever loved disappeared after the closing credits: my mom, my creepy half brother, my off-screen sister, my mentor/favorite teacher, and even my pet pig."

Topanga: "I love you again, Cory. Out of love for you, I'm going to lead a Truman Show esque life by pretending my family, the Ivy League, and the world outside Philadelphia don't exist. Let's get married."

Rachel: "Hi boys. I'm a tall pale redhead, and all the guys want me."

Matthew Weiner, Mad Men Producer: "That's it! That's what's missing from my show!"

Feeny: "Good bye, students. As you head off into the world, some to raise awareness for the importance of naked mole rats, others to a lifetime of B list slasher movies, please look back on me fondly."

Cory: "Oh, Feeny, my Feeny."

Shawn: "Feeny, my Feeny!"



Eric: "Fa-ha-ha-eeny, my Feeny!"

David Hasselhoff: "Oh, Kitt, my Kitt!"