Movies in a Minute: Legally Blonde

Elle: "Tonight's the night! My boyfriend Warner's gonna propose."



Warner: "Elle. We're breaking up. If I'm gonna be a senator by the time I'm thirty, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn."

Elle: "But I'm not a Marilyn! I'm a Lauren Hutton! Or a Grace Kelly, if you squint."



Elle: "Hand me my camcorder and my skimpiest bikini. I'm going to Harvard Law, too, to win back the love of my life!"

Sadako: "While you're in the jacuzzi, are you sure you don't just want to wash that man out of your hair?"



Professor Stromwell: "Ms. Woods, not doing the reading is unacceptable. Now either show up prepared next time or go home to Orange County and wait for Slade Smiley to become available."



Elle: "Sob."



Professor Cromwell: "What kind of client would you rather have, Ms. Woods? One who has committed a crime malum in se or malum prohibitum?"

Elle: "I'd rather have a client who was innocent."

Professor Cromwell: "Well, isn't that cute. BUT IT'S WRONG!"



Warner: "Hi, Elle. This is my fiancee, Vivian."

Vivian: "Sorry, Elle. You can't play any of our law school games. We're having a party, though. It's a...um, er...ah, a costume party."

Elle: "Okay!"



Enid: "So you see, semester is sexist, and it should be called ovester. Damned patriarchy."



Elle: "Hi everyone!"

Enid: "...Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?"

Sadako: "Why are you wearing that stupid stereotyped manhating feminist get up?"



Vivian: "Maybe there's, like, a sorority you could, um, rush instead?"

Elle: "You know, if you guys had come to a rush party, I would have at least been nice to you before gossiping about your lack of extensions or melon sized breasts. Forget it. I'm going to be a serious law student now."

Sadako: "Time for ugly knit caps, unflattering argyle sweaters, demure stud earrings, and an occasional law book or two."



Professor Callahan: "Congrats to everyone who applied for my four internship positions. But this year, we'll be focusing primarily on Elle, Vivian, Warner, and Enid. This here is Emmett, an attractive and accomplished associate in my firm who's inexplicably single. Now, you guys will be working on some tax law research for me. Nothing fancy, but it'll be a good background for those of you who opt to work in that area."

All: "..."

Professor Callahan: "I'm joking of course. No one wants to watch that. It's a murder case. Brooke Windham, trophy wife, stands accused of murdering her rich older husband. The twist is that she's rich, too."

Elle: "Brooke? I knew her! She's not a gold digger, she's pioneered her own line of exercise tapes. She's like the Jane Fonda of our generation but she doesn't make American soldiers wonder if they're being unpatriotic by owning pin up posters of her!"

Emmett: "Brooke says she didn't do it, but won't tell us what she was doing during the murder. Can you find out what her alibi is?"

Elle: "Yes, but I'm not telling."

Professor Callahan: "Dammit, Elle, it's either this or the We both reached for the gun defense."



Elle: "Hi, Paulette. I got an internship and I've got the I'm a cute lil first year law school student look down. Okay, let's get your dog back from your mean ex."

Sadako: "I hate this B-plot, but it's light years ahead of the Elle Woods learns immigration law to get her Korean manicurist played by Lucy Liu a green card plot that I suspect was originally written in."



Professor Callahan: "Today we're going to cross examine the pool boy, an important witness."

Elle: "Professor! Professor! I found out something important."

Emmett: "Did you pull some background cases from Lexis Nexis like we asked you to?"

Elle: "No, better! I've got Cosmo! The pool boy recognized my shoes! He's gay! He couldn't have been Brooke's lover."

Professor Callahan: "Elle, I'm impressed. What you did today showed guts. But how far are you willing to go to become a lawyer?"



Elle: "Are you hitting on me?"

Professor Callahan: "You're a beautiful girl, Elle. Now come here and let me stroke your hair while I tell you about the first time I used the Chewbacca defense."

Elle: "This is sexual harassment, and I'm going to put up with it, quit law school, run to the beauty parlor, and head home to the west coast to start my own line of handbags for lap dog owners."

Professor Stromwell: "If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, then you're not the girl I thought you were."

Sadako: "It's Professor Stromwell and she got a new hairdo so the audience can now safely relate to her!"

Professor Stromwell: "Remember, Elle. Stand up for yourself. Never forget your copy of Blackstone's Commentaries. And always exfoliate!"

Professor Callahan: "What is going on in here?"



Brooke Windam: "Away with you, Perry Mason. I'm hiring Elle."



Judge: "I'm going to allow this."

Elle: "So...Chutney. You got home from getting a perm, took a shower, so you didn't hear the gun go off...wait a minute. I didn't spend an entire semester writing a term paper on Stacey McGill's fashion sense for nothing! You can't wash your hair right after a perm."



Chutney: "Okay, I did it. I didn't mean to shoot him. I thought it was Brooke walking through the door."

Gloria Allred: "Chutney, is anyone representing you? You're clearly a victim of patriarchy, a sexist society, and parents who shouldn't be allowed near the ethnic section of the Big Book of Baby Names without adult supervision."



Elle: "Remember, girls. Being smart and capable doesn't mean we can put down the push up bra and the Clairol!"

Movies in a Minute: Disney's The Lion King

Mufasa: "Rafiki. As the only member of my entourage with opposable thumbs, will you do the honors?"



Michael Jackson: "Oh. Sure. When the monkey does it, it's all great and majestic, but when I try to show the people of Germany my little Blanket, I'm insane."

Mufasa: "Scar, Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba this morning. And we thought the fruit basket you sent us as a gift lacked thought or insight."



Scar: "Indeed, yes, well, prior commitment and all that."

Simba: "Dad! Dad, come on, I'm old enough to walk and talk and annoy the living daylights out of you! Come on, we gotta go! Dad!"

Sarabi: "Your son is awake."



Mufasa: "Before sunrise, and anytime he decides to go off to Queens to marry a commoner, he's your son."

Simba: "Dad, you promised!"



Mufasa: "Okay. See, all that the light touches is ours. But there's more to being king than getting your way all the time. There's also making up catch phrases, like circle of life, that explain why we can slaughter what animals we want and still get every herbivore on the plains to RSVP to our christenings and weddings. Remember that even though we eat the antelope, when we die, we become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass."

Zazu: "Good morning, sir! Time for the morning report."

Mufasa: "Zazu. Turn around. Pouncing lesson."



Zazu: "Oh, sir, you can't be serious. I've been to Human Resources twice this week about this and they say it definitely constitutes a hostile work environment."

Gopher: "Sire! Hyenas in the pride lands!"

Mufasa: "Okay, Simba. Gotta run. Cliffs notes version of today's lesson: don't be born an antelope."

Simba: "Hey Uncle Scar, guess what! Dad showed me the kingdom and I'm gonna rule it all!"



Uncle Scar: "Yes, I love nepotism as much as the next lion. Well, don't go to the elephants' graveyard. Promise? Remember, it's our little secret."

Simba: "Nala, come on! Uncle Scar told me all about the elephants' graveyard and since he has no reason to resent me, we should go."

Zazu: "Look at you two! Your parents will be thrilled, what with you two being betrothed. Married. Etc."



Simba: "Ew. I can't marry her. She's my half-sister--

Michael Eisner: "Shh. No one here knows how lion prides work and let's keep it that way so this film doesn't get boycotted by the Moral Majority. Friends, okay, you two are just friends."

Mufasa: "Simba! You deliberately disobeyed me!"



Simba: "..."

Mufasa: "But you're so damned cute, I can't stay mad at you for long!"

Sadako: "And that's why the task of disciplining Simba was left up to a Meerkat Manor reject and a walking fart joke."

Simba: "I love you, dad. And we're always gonna be together, right?"



Mufasa: "Look up at the stars, Simba. The great kings watch down on us. Whenever you feel alone, just remember that they and I are watching you."

Simba: "So...that's a no?"



Scar: "Since there's no African plains version of the Tower of London, I'll have to be more creative when it comes to getting rid of my inconvenient nephew. Stampede time. Mufasa, quick! It's Simba! Stampede in the gorge!"

Mufasa: "Scar, brother. Help me!"



Scar: "Long live the king! ...just so you know. I was being ironic. Or sarcastic. Or is it sardonic?"

Simba: "D-Dad? Help!"



Scar: "Simba, you killed your father! Sure, it wasn't a clear cut intentional murder like MacBeth or OJ Simpson, more of an ambiguous Norman Bates or Sid Vicious situation. But you killed him. Now run away and never come back! Hyenas. Kill him."



Banzai: "Too much work. Let's just dump the package in the gutter and say we killed it."

Scar: "Sorry to say Simba and Mufasa both died. But I'm now king and I'm here to usher in a new age! Where lion and hyena come together in a great and glorious age! Enter the goose stepping hyenas!"



Rafiki: "Integration of the species?! That not good."

Pumbaa: "Hey kid. We saved your life. Hakuna Matata!"

Simba: "Hakuna Matata? What's that?"



Timon: "It's how my buddy and I here go from becoming barely known outside the theatre world to getting our own little Rosencrantz and Guildenstern inspired animated franchise."

Simba: "Got any antelope?"

Timon: "Try a grub."



Simba: "Slimy yet satisfying."

PETA: "See! We're one step closer to teaching a lion to eat tofu.

Simba: "Sigh. Living with you guys is great, but...I don't know...I think something's...something's missing."



Sadako: "Meanwhile..."



Rafiki: "Simba? He's alive! I recognize the scent of his dander! I knew sneaking into his crib when he was a baby to smell him randomly would pay off!"



Simba: "Nala!"

Nala: "Hey, could you guys leave us alone for a second?"

Timon: "Anything you want to say in front of him, you can say in front of us."

Simba: "Actually, there's going to be a lot of romping in the waterfall and running through the savannah. It's probably safer if you retreat."

Sadako: "Trust me. I know all about lion foreplay from Nat Geo."



Simba: "What, what is it? Is it that meerkats and warthogs got added to the list of animals we can't eat, along with baboons and hornbills? Because there are still zebras and antelopes."

Nala: "No, I missed you."



Simba: "Want to cuddle some more or should I get Timon to gather us up a little snack?"

Nala: "Why'd you let us think you were dead?!"

Sadako: "The post coital glow wears off."

Simba: "I just needed to get out on my own. Find myself. Move out of Pride Rock, find a couple of roommates, experiment with going lacto-ovo-insect vegetarian, that kind of thing."

Nala: "You're the true king and we need you at home! You have to come back!"

Simba: "Listen, it was nice...ah, running into you. I'll see you around the water hole, okay?"



Mufasa: "Simba. My son. You've forgotten who you are. You hang out with unambitious slackers, you spout off hackneyed vaguely ethnic phrases, and it's been over a year since you've eaten red meat. You're the leonine equivalent of a hippie. You must go back and do something marginally better with your life. Become king. Or even a low level accountant."



Simba: "Dad was right. Scar! I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Your planning and scheming are no match for my superior genes!"

Scar: "No! Please. It was the hyenas' fault!"

Simba: "Since I want to be remembered as a good king, I'm going to let the hyenas do my dirty work for me."



Zazu: "Your majesty. We've been waiting. We're sure your years of merriment and making flatulence jokes have prepared you well for your future reign."

Sadako: "Worked for Henry VIII."

Movies in a Minute: A Clockwork Orange

Alex: "There was me, that is, Alex, and my three droogs, that is, Pete, Georgie, and Dim..."

Alex: "...and we sat about in the Korova milkbar trying to decide what to do with our evening, that is, take part in pointless sex or pointless ultra violence, when we decided to choose both."



Alex: "Excuse me, ma'am? Could we use your telephone. There's been a terrible accident, and my friend's lying in the middle of the road bleeding to death."



Mrs. Alexander: "I'm sorry. We don't have a telephone. You'll have to go somewhere else."

Sadako: "We don't have a telephone? Lady, you do have good instincts, but I'm rating that excuse up there with Adrian Monk's I don't have a bathroom excuse."



Mr. Alexander: "Let them in, dear."

Alex: "I'm singin' in the rain..."



Sadako: "I'm torn. The cinematography says great art but the polyester jumpsuit and seventies decor say pseudo avant-garde American Apparel ad."



Alex: "Viddy well, my little brother, viddy well! ...and then it was off to the Korova Milk Bar once more for a little post rape soiree."

Sadako: "Disgusting. Offensive. Horrifying. Milk? Or as I call it, glorified cow juice."



Alex: "The devotchka was smecking away, and I knew what she sang--a bit of the glorious 9th by Ludwig Van."

Dim: "Heh heh--OW! What did you do that for?"

Alex: "For being a bastard with no manners and not a dook of an idea how to comport yourself publicwise, O my brother."

Sadako: "Yeah. Save your rude remarks for when they start performing Mahler."

Alex: "Well, Georgie, tell us about this idea for tonight. A bit of the old in-out? The old ultra violence? Providing another reason for lady bloggers to coin the term triggy-wiggy warning years down the line?"

Georgie: "No, setting you up for an arrest, O my brother. We've grown tired of your tyrannical like ways."

Alex: "This is the real weepy part of the story beginning. I was put into jail."

Sadako: "That's bad."



Alex: "But it was my rabbit to help the prison charlie with Sunday service. It had been arranged by the prison charlie to read him the Bible. I liked the parts where the old yahoodies tolchok each other and then drink their Hebrew vino before getting to bed with their wives' handmaidens. That kept me going."

Sadako: "That's good."

Alex: "But your long suffering narrator still had fourteen years ahead of him."

Sadako: "That's bad."

Alex: "But even so, there was this new thing, a program that got you out of prison and made sure you'd never get back there again."

Sadako: "Can we get on with this?"

Dr. Brodsky: "Alex, we're going to show you a few films."



Alex: "It's a sin! Using Ludwig van like that. He never harmed anyone!"

Dr. Brodsky: "Are you referring to the background score? You've heard Beethoven before? Oh well. Let's keep going. Maybe conditioning you to become ill at the sound of Beethoven will be a useful plot element in a few scenes."

Ivan Pavlov: "I only meant for my teachings to do good or morally neutral things! Stuff like making good references in Rolling Stones songs or teasing hungry dogs. Nothing like this!"



Dr. Brodsky: "And you see? Alex becomes violently ill at the thought of violence or sex. Cured, by god! He's weak as a kitten. Unable to defend himself at all."



Madea: "Do you got him in black?"

Dr. Brodsky: "Well, off you go into the world, Alex. You won't be hurting anyone now!"

Michael Dukakis: "I knew something was missing from my furlough program."



Alex: "Halp. Please. Someone...halp."

Mr. Alexander: "You poor, poor thing. I've read about you in the papers. What the government did to you was wrong, oh so wrong. But I'm going to help you. I've got Mr. Bubble in original and Bubbleberry."



Alex: "Let the stormy clouds chase everyone from the place, come on with the rain...and I'm singin'..."



Mr. Alexander: "..."

Anton Chekov: "Let's just take that gun from the first act off the wall, shall we?"



Alex: "HALP! It's Beethoven's 9th! Yes, I jumped, O my brothers, and I fell hard, and I came back to life after what seemed like a million years."

Nurse: "He's come to!"



Alex: "Who are you?"

Minister: "Deus ex machina from the government. Stanley didn't know how to end the film, so we're here to help you for no real reason at all. Care to listen to some Beethoven?"

Ludwig Van Beethoven: "I'm trying to decide which film made me feel more violated: the one where I hear my work through a Moog synthesizer or the one where my namesake is a St. Bernard dog who puts things right for a suburban middle American family."

Alex: "I could viddy myself, running on and on, my faux Russian slang lexicon overflowing with unused phrases. I was cured all right."

Sadako: "Mr. Kubrick? Was this a happy ending or a sad ending?"

Stanley Kubrick: "Um. It's just an ending, okay?"