Thursday, November 25, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Home Alone

It's Thanksgiving, and you know what that means. Non-stop Xmas programming! In honor of that, I'm re-posting my Home Alone recap. Happy happy turkey day, everyone.

Kevin: "Did anyone order me a plain, tomato free, no-fat non-dairy cheese pizza?"

Buzz: "Yeah, we did, but if you want any, someone's gonna have to pull a Tracy Gold."


All: "KEVIN!"

Jeff: "Kevin, I wish Mom remembered to take her birth control pill the night you were conceived."

Kate McCallister: "There are fifteen people in this house, and you're the only one who expects me to parent."

Uncle Frank: "Look what you did, you little hemorrhoid on the ass of America."

Kevin: "I hope I never see any of you jerks again! Whoa. I made my family disappear?"

Kevin: "I made my family disappear. No more bespectacled Kieran trying to go All About Eve on me!"

Kevin: "Buzz, your girlfriend, yuch. Hey Buzz, I'm going through your stuff. Better come out and pound me. Mom? Dad? I'm eating junk. Better come out and stop me. James Cagney? I'm watching an obvious rip off of Angels with Dirty Faces, better come out and sue me!"

Kate: "KEVIN! Am I a terrible mother?"

Uncle Frank: "Well, we were thinking of getting you the Susan Smith Parenting Award of the Year."

Aunt Leslie: "Frank! Use a sotto voce until we're sure they're paying for our return tickets."

Kevin: "Excuse me, is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?"

Cashier: "Son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son? That's a loss of almost two dollars for us. Son! Jimmy, that boy looks frightened. Hunt him down like a dog!"

Cop: "Hmm, chasing a scared eight year old or looking for the shabbily dressed guys driving around the gated community in the huge van? Eight year old."

Marv: "Can we be the wet bandits?"

Harry: "Shut up, Marv. Grab your crowbar and get into the child molester van. We've got about eight more pieces of accessories that scream: CRIMINAL to collect before we can start robbing this rich enclave at nine o'clock tonight."

Old Man Marley: "Hello. You know any time you see me, you can say hello. A lot of stuff has been said about me. None of it's true."

Kevin: "Really?"

Old Man Marley: "Well...maybe the stuff about my obsessive crush on Jessica Fletcher. But really, I'm just a lonely old man who misses his granddaughter. I got into a fight with my son and I'm afraid if I go back he'll throw me and my La-Z-Boy out on our asses."

Kevin: "When these guys come back, I'll be waiting. This is my house. I have to defend it. Let's see. Ice on the stairs. Humiliating chicken feathers. Blow torch to the head. And an iron maiden made from my Lego bricks."

Karl Rove: "Hey kid? When you grow up, if you don't have plans, can you come work for us? We'd love to see what you can do for us at Guantanamo."

Marv: "Harry, where's your gold tooth?"

Harry: "Are you frigging fragging kidding me--I stole that tooth off Billy Batts before we buried his body and then reburied it. That kid's ruined the greatest hits of the Shangri-Las for me!"

Marv: (narrating Wonder Year style) "Looking at myself in the mirror, covered in chicken feathers, facing a long term back injury, with possible was then that I realized...(aloud): I'M GONNA KILL THIS KID!"

Harry: "First, I'm going to start by biting off every single little finger."

Old Man Marley: "Let's get you home, Kevin. Maybe we should talk to your parents about getting you into therapy after that creepy near finger biting incident. Looks like your folks aren't home. Maybe we should contact the authorities."

Kevin: "Sir. I'm eight years old. I'm barely able to brush my own hair without creating an adorably tousled cowlick. Do I look old enough to be home alone? My parents are here. They're just slightly off camera."

Old Man Marley: "Oh. Okay. See you later. Have a great Christmas."

Sadako: "Marley, I'm no connoisseuse of the child neglect laws, but I'm starting to realize why your son won't let you see your granddaughter."

Bing Crosby: "Have yourself a merry little Christmas...What movie did they dig me up to sing in this time? A Chris Columbus, really? They couldn't get me a murdering Santa slasher?"

Kate: "Kevin? I had to sit through sixteen hours of John Candy but I'm here. I'm so sorry. I'll never forget to feed you or clothe you or change your woodchips again, little guy."

Kevin: "Mom! Where are the others?"

Kate: "Eating frog legs nuggets at Charles DeGaulle."

Family: "We're home! And we left Uncle Frank back in Paris wandering around the Babar store."