Sunday, September 13, 2009

Gossip Girl: Hell Is Other WASPs

Sorry, followers. I've been a bad widdle blogger.

I decided to go with Gossip Girl next. Because otherwise I'd be unable to justify all the time I've spent checking these horrible literary abortions out of the library. I can't admit that they're addictive anymore than a certain reader of this blog can admit that he owns a copy of Ella Enchanted as wank fodder. For me, my official story is and has always been that Gossip Girl is a series I only ever so grudgingly love to hate on. So, I've taken the liberty of skewering the main characters of Gossip Girl like little mini kebabs for your enjoyment.

Blair Waldorf. Blair's a bulimic headcase whose father just came out and whose mother is about to marry a money lined greaseball. Blair and Serena used to be best buds, but Serena left for boarding school a couple years ago. With her gone, Blair got to rule the school. But Serena's back and Blair's not ready to play Dion to her former BFF's Cher again. Blair thinks of her life as a movie in that everything has to be perfect. Her goals include losing her virginity in the most ideal setting possible to boyfriend Nate (note to Blair--perfect background music for that? Blood on the Dance Floor) and getting into Yale.

Note that Blair's positioning her feet perfectly so as not to let her stress induced regurgitation ruin last season's open toed Ferragamo's. And no, I can't take credit for that euphemism. It's a Blair original.

Serena van der Woodsen. Serena's not a dumb blonde, exactly. Sure, she missed the first few days of boarding school because she jetted off to France. And no, she hasn't really taken any AP classes or done extracurriculars that should get her into a good school. It's just that she doesn't HAVE to. She's perfect at every task she tries, whether it's auditioning for student films, modeling various body parts on subway busses, and thwarting even the attempts of the likes of Perez Hilton and Richard Johnson to prominently display a picture of her looking even vaguely unkempt. And boys just seem to be unable to look at anyone else when she's around. This includes Blair's boyfriend who lost his virginity with Serena before she left for boarding school.

Dan Humphrey. Token hipster boy who lives in Brooklyn with his younger sister and their father. Dan's in love with Serena because in this world, that's the litmus test for heterosexuality. If it takes more than a minute for your head to swivel when she enters the room, you'll never score more than a three on the Kinsey scale. Dan also writes poetry so abysmal that it made me wonder if Kanye West's new hobby is doing the poetry for teen girl books.

Latest sample:

Wipe the sleep from my eyes and pour me another cup
I see what you've been trying to tell me all along,
Shaving your head and handling me (so delicately)
With satin and lace;
You're a whore

The only thing that would make this remotely edgy or even interesting is if you told me that Dan didn't write this poem for Vanessa, but for the Kool-Aid guy. (And yes, it does end up getting published in the New Yorker in Gossip Girl world.)

Jenny Humphrey. Jenny, Dan's younger sister, essentially has no personality. She's a freshman and extremely tiny except for her 34DDs. Cecily makes a point of writing about the gals so often that I suspect that she gave Jenny's treatment to her horny younger brother who regularly attends "I Was a Hentai Addict" treatment meetings. Jenny idolizes Serena and is a real hanger on.

Side note. I think the creepy CGI girl above is still less skeevier than Taylor Momsen (who plays Jenny on the television show). I can't be the only one who screams "UNCANNY VALLEY UNCANNY VALLEY, ABORT!" every time I see her her raccoon rimmed eyes gracing my computer screen, can I?

Vanessa Abrams. Vanessa's the token hipster girl. She's bald, she wears black, and she's an aspiring filmmaker. She just doesn't care about being a typical size two vapid blonde Heather wannabe. Vanessa, I want to like you because I can tell you're the kind of person who makes Blair's colon twitch. But you're the kind of person I hate because you've probably taken up permanent residence in Wes Anderson's rectum (along with a very perturbed gerbil). Vanessa also loses points for being in love with Dan.

Speaking of Empire Records, the only thing that would make Vanessa less boring would be an encounter with a Lady Bic. (And for those of you who haven't seen this movie, no, I'm not saying she should go balder on her head or even South of the border. I'm just saying that at least one of these characters should kill themselves, and it might as well be the brooding Sylvia Plath meets Sophia Coppola one.)

Nate Archibald. Blair's accessory du jour who later dumps her for Jenny (she of the large rack) later. He smokes pot a lot, and Blair pretty much micromanages his life, right down to the fanatsy of two of them going to Yale and living in an off campus apartment.

Things that are more interesting than Nate: Any redshirt on Star Trek, Keats' grecian urn, the cricket head that my friend Josh's cat vomitted up.

Chuck Bass. Chuck doesn't get nearly enough scene time as far as I'm concerned. (Cecily, I guess you're not as big a fan of the Sebastian Valmont type as I am.) I get the feeling that he's responsible for so many girls starting Take Back the Night marches in his honor. At some gala, he corners Jenny Humphrey in a bathroom stall (and angry feminists who thought they'd burned all the Harlequinns with heaving bosomed heroines just died a little inside). Earlier, he tries to get into a drunken Serena's pants in a suite at his family's hotel. He's got the charisma and looks of a Ted Bundy with the family connections of a Kennedy.
He's the only character who does things other than smoke pot or contemplate which smokey eyeliner will change his life forever. I so want to play the Karla Homolka to his Paul Bernardo.

Hoped you enjoyed that! And for those of you wanting more BSC, I could be convinced. I've been trying to branch out since so many blogs have been doing that, but deep down, snarking Blair and Serena isn't as much fun as doing Claud and Stacey (Blair's spelling is impeccable and I can't resort to quipping that I'd like to deprive Serena of her Bloomie's card and her insulin stash).