Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Weetzie Bat

Before I start the book, I also want to do a shout out to my fellow blogger, friend, compatriot, and partner in crime, Ali, who started a travel blog (travelogue? travelblogue?) called Travel Rambling. It's in my blog roll, and you should all check it out. Well, snark on, MacDuff!

This is the story of Weetzie Bat, a high school girl who's a little different. She meets Dirk, who turns out to be gay. The two of them go duck-hunting (searching for guys) together and get into all kinds of PG rated scrapes. Then one day, Dirk's grandmother (whom he lives with) tells Weetzie and Dirk that they have to love each other first before they can fall in love with someone else (then she rips off her face mask to reveal she's Whitney Houston). She gives Weetzie a lamp and a genie comes out and Weetzie asks for three wishes--a duck for Dirk, My Secret Agent Lover Man for Weetzie, and a house for everyone to live in. Then Grandma Fifi kicks the bucket and they move into her cottage. Dirk meets a guy called Duck with a hideous duck tail hairdo. Eventually, Weetzie meets a guy called MSALM, a movie director who puts Weetzie and all their friends in his movies. Two babies and some ethnic friends later, they're a real family. And there are many more Weetzie books to come.
  • Dirk's car is named Jerry because it reminds him of Jerry Lewis. Did it marry its thirteen year old cousin? (Okay, okay, I know, wrong Jerry Lewis.)
  • Grandma Fifi dies only a few chapters in, leaving her house to both kids, and her clothes to Weetzie. Okay, considering that later on, about a thousand random people move in, I'm bemused as to why they had to 86 Grandma Fifi. And there's no Twilight Zone/Monkey's Paw lesson to be learned about why we shouldn't make reckless wishes--Dirk channels Dr. Kevorkian as he talks about how happy Grandma Fifi would have been knowing she was able to do something good for the kids. Also, look at these dresses she left behind. (No, that's what Dirk actually says.)
  • Actually, I do know why Grandma Fifi had to go. Pretty much everyone who moves into Chateau Weetzie is young and bizarrely hot. I get the feeling that Francesca Lia Block wanted the vibe to be more Big Brother meets a Boy George video and less hipsters move to Boca Raton. (And yes, I'd rather read about the latter. I want old Jewish relatives to tell me jokes and call me bubbelah and tell me I'm not eating enough, and I'm tired of settling for Old Jews Telling Jokes!.)
  • Weetzie meets some diverse friends. There's Jamaican Valentine Jah-Love, and his wife, Ping Chong. Their multi ethnic kid is Raphael Chong Jah-Love. (And I call shitty parenting. No, not for the biracial thing, you neocons, for saddling their kid with a double hyphenated name. That will be such a bitch when he has to bubble in his name for the SATs.)
  • Valentine tells Weetzie about Jamaica: "'...your body feels radiant, like orange lights, like Bob Marley's voice...In Jamaica we climb the falls holding hands and the water rushes down bluer than your eyes. In Jamaica. In Jamaica it is hot and wet, and the people are hot and wet, and the flowers look like shells and the shells look like flowers...'" and I have to stop you, Valentine. No reason, I just have to stop you. Besides, I think Jamaica Tourist Board frowns on you working off the clock.
  • My Secret Agent Lover Man puts the kibosh down when it comes to baby-making. Because there's just too many babies out there already (cool! field trip to Malawi!). But no, there are also psychos and diseases and nuclear accidents. Okay, then. Weetzie's rebuttal. "'But we could have such a cool, beautiful baby...and we would love it so much.'" Why does this sound like every pet wanting kid EVER? Yeah, that totally didn't work when I was eight(een) and wanted my very own sugar glider (google them and tell me I'm wrong?). And then I got about four Furbies from well-meaning relatives, parents, and my rabbi, and they all of the Furbies ended up talking to each other late at night when I was trying to sleep and if you thought you wanted Gizmo from "Gremlins," you're wrong. Hell is other Furbies. Anyway.
  • Dirk gets a great idea. He thinks that he, Weetzie, and Duck can have a threesome and then Weetzie can get knocked up since MSALM won't oblige. Duck agrees: "'I saw it on that talk show once. These two gay guys and their best friend all slept together so no one would know whose baby it was...and when someone in the audience said, "What sexual preference do you hope [the child] has?" they all go together, they go, "Happiness." Isn't that cool?'" Yeah, but, Duck, you know how hippie free loving parents grow up to get Alex P. Keatons? By my calculations, those talk show people probably just spawned Ann Coulter. Good job. You, Dirk, and Weetzie want to go for Rush Limbaugh redux?
  • So the three of them make love. The Beatles are playing while they conceive Weetzie's baby. It's "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." I guess that's better than losing your virginity to "Your Body is a Wonderland." Stupid top 40.
  • And they name the baby Cherokee. Cherokee. So you know she's just going to grow up to tell people that her grandmother was a Cherokee princess, and blah blah blah. Ugh. My Secret Agent Lover Man has left the building because Weetzie cheated on him with two gay guys, and it was either stay with her and do the talk show circuit or leave. (And let's face it, this was the eighties. He was under steep competition when you consider all the appearances G.G. Allin and the Club Kids were making.) But MSALM comes back for no real reason, telling her he was an idiot to go, and saying how beautiful baby Cherokee is.
  • But it turns out that My Secret Agent Lover Man, when he was away, was really catting it up with the head of a coven that obsesses over Jayne Mansfield and the fact that she was decapitated when she died in that car crash (beep, beep, urban legend alert). The woman shows up pregnant and wanting money for an abortion. Weetzie's pissy at first, and MSALM gets all, "We were on a break...and I thought of you every time I climaxed. Really." Then Vixanne Wig (Easy Bake Coven lady) dumps the kid (whom they call Witch Baby) with My Secret Agent Lover Man.
  • They call the baby Lily but she acts all wild and ends up going by Witch Baby. (Wild meaning she chops the heads off of Barbie dolls and chants "Beasts beasts beasts.") Yeah, well, I christened my puppy Jack Russell the Ripper but I knew better than to be surprised when dead whores turned up in my closet every month. (Surprisingly the same thing happened with my pet alpaca, Dolly Llama.)
  • Later, Weetzie's father, Charlie Bat, who lives in New York dies and Weetzie gets upset. Yeah, well, maybe he willed you a magical toaster oven, so it's all good. His ghost makes a cameo in a later book.
  • Now let's snark some of the movies MSALM makes. They make one called Shangri-L.A. because they think that L.A. is just like Shangri-La. It's about a girl who comes to L.A. to make it big and ends up going back in time to the olden days and meeting a guy who looks like Charlie Chaplin. They try to go to the present but he dies, and she ends up overdosing on drugs and waking up in Shangri-La. Or something. I have a feeling that what Francesca Lia Block isn't telling us is all about the non-artsy, money making movies that MSALM had to make to finance these, like In & Out (and In Again), Any Which Way But Lubed, and Pop on Pop.
  • At the end, there's a sad moment as Duck freaks out when one of his old boyfriends (Bam-Bam) is dying of AIDS. (Is he sure? Yup, he's HIV positive.) There's some depressing talk about how said it is that you can get HIV just by loving people.
And, scene. I'll do some more Francesca Lia Block books if anyone's interested. They're actually fairly decent and fun. And short! This book was part of a larger set that I bought when I was about thirteen, called Dangerous Angels.

Friday, July 24, 2009

NYC Prep Episode 3: What Happens in Cancun...

I know a lot of you were hoping for more book recaps. They are still to come! Next week, I promise, I promise!

In which some producer who has a hard on for Blackstone Group decides to get revenge by editing the episode so that P.C. looks gayer 'n Christmas. For those not in the know, Blackstone Group founder Peter Peterson is P.C.'s grandfather. And no, I don't know why these people can't come up with more than one name. It's a WASP thing.

Speaking of Christmas, it's time for winter break. P.C., Zoe, and Jessie discuss their plans glumly, in the tone of people who have been there, done there, gotten the Polaroids back, but can't do anything as provincial as stay home and decorate Christmas chias for their break. P.C.'s going to Cancun with an achin' in his heart. Jessie's going to Palm Beach with an old friend and an unrequited crush on her man, P.C., (and, I hope, a vibrator). Zoe's going skiing.

Camille and Taylor are staying in the city over the break. They shop for chocolate together while Camille counsels Taylor on the boy situation (Sebastian or Cole? Herpes or the clap?). Taylor asks about Kelli and Sebastian. Camille says Sebastian brought the Duchess cupcakes but "I don't know if that's indicative of, like, I love you." Oh, honey, we're not the Rockefellers--put those $20 SAT words back on the shelf. Taylor says she likes both boys. Camille channels Catherine "Cecile, everybody does it--it's just that nobody talks about it!" Mertreuil and says that she, Kelly, Sebastian and Cole should all go out together. "Secret society!" chants Taylor.

Actually, she just gives Camille her best, "Bitch you be tripping" look and giggles while making a mental note to instruct the producer not to script any more scenes with her and Camille.

Winter, the Hamptons. Kelli's vacation. I'll remind the viewer that Kelli and her 18 year old brother live in Manhattan pretty much on their own, as their parents spend most of the time in the Hamptons, only coming on weekends. Kelli introduces us to the madwoman in the attic, her sister, Chelsea, who has cerebral palsy and lives in the Hamptons full-time, lest she intrude upon Kelli and her brother's re-creations of The Dreamers back in the city. Kelli says that sometimes she forgets that her parents aren't her peers. She regales them with a story of how one night she fell asleep to American Gangster and woke up to the soft-core porn on the TV.

Her brother laughs nervously and reminds himself to stock up on more NyQuil when he and Kelli get back.

Donatella frowns disapprovingly and tries to pretend that being a good mother for four weekends a month and having the largest tanning bed allowable in the state of New York makes up for letting the fruits of her loin run rampant the rest of the time. And Kelli's dad does something, but he's so absolutely boring, I'm not even going to comment.

As Sebastian comes to visit, they play pool. Why is she sporting those godawful boots indoors? Is she getting a kickback from Jimmy Choo himself? He asks her about her holidays and she explains about the eight days of Hanukkah and eating Chinese food on Christmas while I hum I'm a Jew On Christmas.

In Cancun, J.P., Sebastian's friend who lives in Mexico, picks him up from the airport. He tells a story about the time he was drunk and half naked in P.C.'s bed when his mom came into the bedroom and got upset, and it's all very Mick Jagger and David Bowie together with Angie Bowie walking in on them, except there's no Marianne Faithfull with a Mars Bar up her junk to allay the suspicion of homosexuality. P.C. tells us he knows no actual Mexicans in Manhattan, save the delivery men and that when people find out he's visiting a Mexican (J.P.) they assume he's hanging out with a short brown guy. (Really, do the producers just sit up at night writing the most horrible, stereotyped dialogue they can think of and then feed it to P.C.? Because that's more comforting that the idea that he actually thinks of them himself.)

Palm Beach. Jessie protests to her friend Kim (too much) that she and P.C. are not a thing. Then she calls him and reaches voicemail.

Back to Cancun. The first in a long line of women P.C. will turn down shows up. P.C. refuses to dance with a hot girl who probably thought that taking Samba lessons from the Butabi brothers was a good deal. As she dances at him, P.C. tells her he'll break a bottle over her face.

She gets up in his grill while J.P. tries to smooth things over by ordering shots. In his defense, P.C. was just rehearsing a scene--he's playing Blanche DuBois in Dwight's staging of Oh! A Streetcar as directed by Llewlyn Sinclair.

Later, the guys chill at the beach.

P.C. tells us that he and J.P. have been friends so long, "I guess that's a 'bromance' or whatever.'" As they sit on the beach, some girls come over. J.P. tells the girls that P.C.'s bi, and then flirts shamelessly with the girls as P.C. makes puppy dog eyes at him. In the distance, gay boys everywhere add P.C. to their wank fodder and Peter Peterson, Sr. starts revising his will.

Next, Kelli tells us about a death in the family. Their dog, Lily, passed on. (Turns out the doggie acupuncture just didn't help.)

Lily, Kelli tells us, was like a brother or a sister to her. I wonder if her real siblings sent her hate mail after this aired. But then again, Lily was better than Kelli's actual brother or sister because she never humped Kelli's leg and even though she peed on the floor and sometimes had spasms, she'd never prevent Kelli from getting into Avalon.

Camille meets with a stylist to help her clean out her wardrobe. (Yeah, you know, when I was that age, "cleaning out my wardrobe" consisted off my mom taking away my most ragged items off in the night while I screamed in rage.) Hitha, a professional stylist, steps into Camille's room, looking like a colorblind child's Raggedy Ann doll. Her objective? Trying to be the ethnic Stacy London by telling Camille that all her clothes must go, go, GO!

She shoots withering glances at Camille, telling her how this pattern is from two seasons ago and how Camille's last New Year's Eve dress was "hoochie mama" and how this t-shirt isn't Camille's style. Since not a single garment has "I'm a whiny trust fund baby" appliqued onto an argyle background, technically nothing is her style.

Doggie Funeral Time. Chelsea's the one in the wheelchair. I make a mental note of the fact that while she's clearly not cool enough to have family dinner time in Manhattan, she is allowed to go to such family events as dog funerals. (The real question: will she be there when they have the intervention for Donatella's plastic surgery addiction?)

Kelli yells at her parents for crying, saying they'll make her start crying and won't say a few words at the faux-funeral. I could be a lot more sympathetic to her crying over her hideous old dog, except that every time I change the channel to CNN, I see Paris Jackson crying over her dad as she publicly makes a statement, while Marlon and Janet adjust the microphone and make sure the light is perfect (speak out, Paris!). How many Grammys did YOUR dog win, Kelli?

Back to Cancun. Then some girls wander over to P.C. and throw themselves at him (or, you know, into the line of view of the camera) and he eyerolls like a mother when he finds out they're from Texas. They ask if he's from Kansas.

No, when I said I'd go slumming, I meant I'd go into H&M and try on five dollar flip flops as a joke, not talk to people from the Midwest. He's clearly going for cool, trendy New Yorker, but here he's channeling less a Gossip Girl extra and more Michael Kors going apeshit on PR when Kenley trots out yet another fifties knock off garment.

The Texans go off to dance and invite him go come to while he tries to refrain from vomiting. He voice overs to us, "I mean, the girls were from Texas." And they deigned to make eye contact with you? Later he yells at J.P. for leaving him in the same traumatized tone of voice as the freaked out kids in Jurassic Park when the lawyer abandoned them to run to the can. J.P. says he has to teach P.C. some manners and they affectionately rough house as P.C. longs for the boarding school days when J.P. would take out his rage at losing a polo match on P.C.'s smooth and tender ass. And for the record, these kids suck at analogies because no one has pointed out the obvious--that PC : J.P. :: Jessie : P.C.

Home from Cancun, the pubed wonder holds a stuffed Care Bear and asks if it's a gay pride bear. "Didn't I...used to hump it?" he asks.

Whoever edited this episode could not possibly hate you more, P.C. P.C. assures Frau Jessie that he didn't associate with any tawdry females when in Mexico. After all, they were all lepers and Texans, shudder. Then Jessie transparently tells P.C. that her friend Kim thinks that she and P.C. like each other and isn't that stupid? P.C. voice overs that anything's possible, that he and Jessie could end up dating one day, because who knows, he could even marry a chimp. Aloud he imagines them married, and says that she'd be a real bitch pregnant. No, for her to get pregnant, you'd need a muzzle for that vagina.

At Frederick's, Sebastian has lunch with his dad, a sad, middle-aged, balding man in a cardigan who could be a stand-in for the Steve Buscemi character in Ghost World. Dad wants to know the latest in Sebastian's chain of fools. Sebastian looks uncomfortable, and Sadako sympathizes and wishes she'd brought sunglasses because the glare off that forehead--yowza.

Presumably Dad can't even attract the lowest tier of aspiring models in the city, and has to live on through his floppy haired son, so he's anxious to know what's going on in Sebastian's life. "You met the German exchange student," Sebastian says. "I did, yes," replies Dad. By which you mean, "Yes, I did pay for her abortion and got her the fuck back to Dresden." More awkward conversation. Some talk of Taylor. More hairflipping on Sebastian's part as Dad looks on in a jealous rage and Sadako sings Blinded by the liiight, an ode to Jeff's receding hairline. Can I just say that you'd better enjoy the hair flipping now, Sebastian, because each one could be your last.

Taylor preps for her gymnastics meet. Her boyfriend, Cole, shows up and tries to get the skinny on this Sebastian creep. Taylor does really well. But I'm just waiting for the Evil Gymnast Coach to point out that Taylor could do so much better if she just dropped five pounds. But maybe I've been watching too much LifeTime.

Kevin tries to wipe the drool from his mouth as he sees the poses Winnie's able to contort herself into. Mmm, gumby legs.

After the meet he takes her out. Taylor points out to the viewer that with Sebastian, she had to order salad with no dressing because she's vegan, but at the restaraunt Cole takes her to, she can order anything from wonton soup to faux-fu.

We end on Cole telling Taylor he was blind to let her go and now that he's seen her in Sebastian's arms, he wants her back. So...Cole or Sebastian? Dawson or Pacey? Viper or Nelson? Or will she pull a (Kelly) Taylor and choose herself?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

NYC Prep: Episode 2: Flip of the Hair

P.C. tells Jessie how young and irritating Kelli and Camille were at dinner, with the air of the Vicomte de Valmont informing Mertreuil that he couldn't possibly seduce Cecile de Volanges because it would simply be too easy. Then P.C. tells Jessie that Kelli and Camille thought that she was a bitch and that he agreed. She reacts by going Miss Piggy on him and smacking him across the face.

Well. That'll show him. Though I've been wanting to do that ever since the show's opening, so kudos, Frau Jessie.

Next, shopping. Taylor and her friends go shopping at a vintage store to find something nice for her date with Sebastian. Wait, she's not going to Dolce & Gabana? Something tells me that this is the prep school world equivalent of Scarlet O'Hara taking a pair of scissors to her curtains to make a suitable dress. Taylor tells us she's pretty much only dated public school boys with the same tone of voice that a woman in the antebellum South might say that someone's only dated mulattoes. Her friends ask her who she likes better, her recent ex, Cole, or Sebastian. When the others ask whom she prefers, Taylor says, "I don't know, I guess I'm stressed out." The girls debate the merits of the two boys. "Or who has more money--Sebastian," they agree. Aww, it's like watching a teenage Lily Bart with her friends.

I'm reminded again of the disadvantages of having girly female friends--having to feign interest at a parade of ugly dresses and refrain from responding to, "Does this dress make me look fat " with "No, your rolls of fat make you look fat, fatty." (No, saying you really meant phat doesn't work.) Though to be fair, Taylor is pretty svelte.

Later, Kelli and Sebastian meet up. (Remember that last time Kelli brought Sebastian to Taylor's party and he ended up being way more into Taylor.) Sebastian brings her a peace offering to make up for her going home so soon: a box of cupcakes. I can SWEAR, I can see her checking the box to make sure they're Magnolia bakery cupcakes. When it turns out that Sebastian didn't do anything as declasse as purchase something made by Hostess or Mrs. Freshley's, she starts creaming her Seven jeans and hugging the hair flippy moppet. Kelli voiceovers that she LOVES cupcakes even more than regular cake (how quirky). Then she asks Sebastian out to dinner, but he tells her he's got dinner plans with Taylor.

Behold: the ugliest therapist's office in all of Manhattan.

Furnished by an auction at the Liberace estate. Sebastian tells his therapist that he wants a relationship and a bunch of other stuff that I didn't really listen to. In happier news, I'm pleased to announce that the chin pubes are dead, vive le pube-less chin!

I'll level with you. This isn't really a therapist--they couldn't get so much as a social worker to voluntarily appear on this show, so they found Judy the bag lady outside the Natural History Museum, dressed her up in some last season Gucci and tada. And no, the free crack cocaine and gift certificate to Circuit City they gave her do not make up for having to listen to P.C. talks about how everyone in New York is antsy and impatient, and how he himself flushes the toilet before he's done peeing. (Yes, he really said that, and P.C.? you know, they have antibiotics for that.)

I wait for the psychiatrist to start screaming at him that he's a self-centered sociopath and that ripping out magazine pages is not cool before she terminates her services. But then I realize that great legs and a hip, modern office are not the only things that Jennifer Melfi has that this shrink/bag lady lacks.

Sebastian voice overs that he's bringing Taylor to a French restaurant and that speaking French to the gals always works. Yeah, well, until the day you meet a girl with a Nazi fetish, but okay. Sebastian hair flips and tells us that this is his favorite restaurant. Taylor reminds us how important this date is for her social status because she normally dates sex offenders and juvenile delinquents public school kids, and Sebastian's a prepster. We get it. Taylor thinks, "It's a turn on when a guy is bilingual." No, wrong bi, Taylor. She goes on to talk about how much she loves money and social status and everything that prep schools represent. The two of them speak French and Sebastian smiles, since he's on Muzzy tape 3 while Taylor's still on Muzzy tape 1. Also he's seen Telefrancais in its entirety, so there.

Then it turns out that Taylor's a vegan and she only orders salad with no dressing (what? no very special musings on anorexia? saving that for a few episodes later?).

At the end of the date, they kiss and I wonder how Taylor hasn't passed out--no, not from hunger, from Axe fumes.

P.C. meets with Amanda, his ex, to ask what he did wrong in their relationship. If the answer isn't "Fucking the pool boy when you were supposed to be with me at a very important dinner date," you can smack my ass and call me Agador Spartacus. Amanda tells us that they were at different points in their lives.

(Can we add the words, P.C.'s ex beard to her caption?) From the look of that mane, P.C. appreciates the horsier women in his life. Where does he get them? Belmont?

Meanwhile, at a hot trendy store downtown, Eight Belles paws the ground and whinnies in frustration. Frau Jessie is planning a fashion show to raise money for Operation Smile and needs P.C. to help pick out clothes. He hour late. (Try thinking of Adam Lambert next time.)

Another friend of P.C. offers to set him up on a blind date. He asks if the girl from Jersey and they giggle. "Absolutely not," his friend assures him. (Damn, no Real Housewives of Jersey cross-over? Danielle Staub would probably forgo her weekly tan 'n tox to blow this guy.) P.C. wants something a little more tasteful in his relationships from now on. Oh, honey, next to your last two fillies, a Fleshlight is more tasteful.

Camille and Kelli go to a downtown spa to kvetch about that meddling Lizzie Bennett and her designs on Mr. Darcy. Oh, wait, I mean Taylor's hard on for Sebastian. After calling Sebastian, Camille and Kelli find out that he kissed Taylor after their date. That hussy!

Kelli almost cries her face mask off. Oh, producers, kudos on filming the rich girls at a spa. This makes the (original) 90210 scene where Brenda talks to Kelly on the phone while painting her toenails look positively bourgeois in comparison. (I'm just glad they cut the "Let's talk about getting into Hah-vahd while we get a Brazilian wax" scene because my gag reflex could barely take that Taylor/Sebastian make out scene.) Camille and Kelli decide to pull rank and go Heathers on Taylor.

In a loft somewhere, Jessie bitches to Downtown Zoe about the little girls down the lane--Camille and Kelli. They called her a bitch for being rude at that fashion event. Jessie defends herself saying she was there to network and that the fashion industry is "hard" and "cutthroat." Hmm. Thai jail. East L.A. Berlin in the 1930s. All those pale in comparison with an industry where people are arguing over where the poof should go in the next teacup poodle sweater line. The two talk about Zoe's upcoming party.

Camille and Kelli invite Taylor to an expensive store to be total bitches and also to show off how much money they have. Camille tells us that the public school scene is very laid back next to the prep school scene. New Bedlam Asylum for the Criminally Insane is laid back next to the prep school scene. As the girls question Taylor about how the date went, she tells them it went well and they giggle at her while she looks uncomfortable. They invite her to go to Zoe's party that night. Then the preppies try on ugly clothes while Taylor looks on at the clothes she can't afford.

Aw. What costumes shall the poor girl wear to all tomorrow's parties? Finally, she leaves the House of Couture and Class Conflict. To be honest, I don't really like Taylor, but Camille and Kelli's behavior makes me want to eat about a thousand cherry pits before downing some Ipecac (or watching Sebastian hit on some socialites) and then vomit onto their poorly designed clothes. Then they call up Sebastian and invite him to Zoe's party, too.

Ooh! It's a tableau of my toys from when I was little. The My Little Pony doll who fell in the toilet talks on the phone while my brother's plastic Free Willy doll (I mean action figure) beaches itself.

Uh, I mean, Frau Jessie interrogates P.C. over her Blackberry while Zoe looks on. P.C.'s going on a blind date so he can't come to the party. Jessie wishes there were a way to shove bamboo shoots up someone's fingers over the phone as she says good-bye. The girls head out to a party which is downtown in some loft or whatever. In the car, Zoe mocks the bridge and tunnel types who rent those ridiculous hummer-limos. I agree that they are worthy of derisive comment, but not from you, Zoe. Get back in your tank and stop talking. Oh yes, this party they're on their way to. It's a birthday party. Zoe's turning 18 and they're having a party to celebrate. I hope she gets Armani sunglasses and an undiagnosed STD that leads to her going infertile.

Meanwhile, P.C.'s on the prowl! Blind date night is tonight and the chin pubes are out in full effect! Sure, he's missing Zoe's party but all these parties are the same after a while. As he perches there, waiting, I'm thinking that I owe Moe Syzlak a C note if a human girl actually does show up.
Oh, and yes, I was right. The blind date girl doesn't even call and he slinks home alone. Maybe she watches the show. If he were half way sympathetic, this would be the point where I feel kind of vaguely sorry for him. But because P.C. has the sympathy quotient of a used cumrag, it's time to pull a Nelson Muntz.

At the party, Kelli tries to flirt with everyone's favorite Muppet slash surferboy Sebastian. Camille says hi to Sebastian and he tells her she's got something in her teeth (ouch! Fozzie Bear's got claws). Then Taylor shows up and it's Go Time. The hair starts flipping. Kelli tears up.

Aw, honey, don't smudge your Urban Decay over this clown. She leaves abruptly. Camille waves good-bye to her.

You are the weakest ho-bag! Goodbye!

But there's trouble in paradise for young Gatsby and Daisy. Taylor's old, public school boyfriend, Cole, has shown up. I don't know why Sebastian's so worried. Cole doesn't have long, flippable hair. Finally, Cole leaves and Sebastian and Taylor dance the dance of a thousand prepsters and then leave together.

Monday, July 13, 2009

NYC Prep Episode 1: Top Half of One Percent

About the quiz from last time. The answer to one is B. (Sebastian). This kid's hair actually becomes a plot point later in the episode. God, never have I hated hair so much since the Beek's in Dawson's Croak. Number two. Hmm. You know, I just don't care. And three: trick question--none. Jessie's main interest is in slowly but surely dislodging the splintery bamboo shoot protruding from her ass.

So, the episode began with the character intros that I recapped last time. It continues with Taylor attempting to plan a party to raise her social status (tip to Taylor: you can't go wrong with pinatas). Her pesky mother keeps getting in the way, wanting to know who's coming. Taylor's cagey--when her mother asks, "Kids from school?" she responds, "Some from school." Who's on this list, the last Nazi war criminal?

Back to Sebastian. When we last saw him, he got Kelli's number. He tells us, "Kelli could definitely be my girlfriend but I'd rather hook up with as many girls as I want." God, it's like hearing a Muppet Baby recite I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Later, he meets up with her to hang out.

They go into a store and he watches while she tries on clothes. I can positively hear Sebastian thinking, "Okay, we did your thing--on to Babeland for some gold plated dildos."

Camille then calls Kelli to invite her to Taylor's party later that night. Up for a night of slumming with the little people, Kelli decides to bring Sebastian along, too. (You're bringing HIM? Oh, come on, I'm sure you've got a collection of Maltese puppies at home to stuff into your Kate Spade bag and bring along instead. I've had honest to god yeast infections cuter than this guy.)

Cut to Taylor's party (at a Japanese restaurant downtown). She tells us she's nervous: "There's public school kids, there's private school kids and I'm not sure if everyone's gonna mix well." Jets, Sharks, Jets, Sharks! Sadako starts to chant till Kelli fixes her with the stare of doom and she slinks off to eat her mahi mahi roll and listen to her West Side Story soundtrack. Camille asks the other girls how they were forced into being here and I'm cringing because it's all very let's put cute lil social climbin' Becky Sharpe back in her place. Later, Sebastian shows up and Camille tells him he should feel awkward being the only guy there.

"Awesome?" he asks. "Awkward," she corrects him. "Oh, I'm sorry, awesome," she says as the other girls disagree. That girl's a regular mini Dorothy Parker.

Kelli watches jealously as Sebastian flirts with Taylor, telling her that he speaks French. (Okay, you finished one Muzzy workbook, Sebastian, let's not go crazy.)

Taylor's one smitten kitten who can't wait to rub her paws through Sebastian's greasy, old-money locks. Kelli and Camille stalk off to go blog about how Sebastian would rather flirt with the hired help than date a woman of quality.

New scene. Jessie and her friend Zoe talk about fashion. Zoe admits to wearing clothes that cost less than twenty dollars, and Jessie tells her it's because she's "so downtown."

Poor Jessie probably can't fathom wearing a tampon that cost less than $20 (well, you try finding a bejeweled tampon made from real Cherokee hair for anything less than that). Jessie's on her way out with P.C. to go to a fashion event and see if she can meet contacts. And by meet contacts, I mean stuff herself up the assholes of the Project Runway losers who are probably the only ones attending this craptastic fashion party. Jessie tells Zoe that she and P.C. are just good friends even though they used to date.

In the limo on the way over, Jessie and P.C. look at their Blackberries. Apparently one of them got a message about P.C.: "Poor P.C., he can charm the skin off a snake but one day he'll get bitten by the creature." You know, as hard as you try to make him out to be Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions, jaded before he's even in his twenties, I know it's a put on. I bet P.C. sits at home in his Pokemon pajamas and plays with his transformers.

At the show, Frau Jessie makes a mental hitlist of all girls who flirt with, look at, or share breathing space with P.C. Then she informs us how she's here to meet people in the business, not socialize with kids their age. She hobnobs with a little troll who made it out from under a bridge to own his own PR firm.

God, can we get a spunky little Anne Hathaway lite to plant a cherry bomb in Anna Wintour's bum, here? Kelli and Camille show up at the event and P.C. double kisses them both (double kissing=kissing on each girl and Camille seems to think that this indicates that P.C. has some serious balls of steel). Camille and Kelli attempt to say hi to Jessie whose vagina grows teeth in rage when P.C. acknowledges the presence of girls who aren't her.

She frowns and goes off to cut a switch. We find out later that P.C. got Kelli's information. Kelli's a little hussy, isn't she? First Sebastian, now P.C.

The next day, P.C. tells Zoe and Jessie about his upcoming Sunday date with Kelli. Jessie seethes and attends to her Blackberry. P.C. tells her that his pet peeve is people texting when talking to the almighty P.C. "Put it on vibrate or something." Ew, please don't, Jessie, at least not until the cameras are off and you can relax in the bubble bath with some Michael Bolton alone.

While shopping for tights, Taylor engages in some girlish chitchat with her mother. Mom asks if she like-likes Sebastian and desperately tries to play Samantha Jones to Taylor's Carrie Bradshaw.
I feel kind of bad because Taylor voiceovers that she'd never take romantic advice from Mommy Fearest, who's divorced and doesn't even have a boyfriend.

Later, Sebastian goes out on a double date (nope, not with Kelli OR Taylor--two new girls!), bringing along his mighty wingman who will take whichever girl he decides is his castoff. These boys are both horrifyingly hair-flippy. Gabe, Sebastian's pale, Clamato drinking friend, tells Sebastian that he should do a hair flip towards whichever girl he decides he wants. As Gabe demonstrates, I restrain the urge to pull a Delilah and make Brillo pads out of both boys' hairdos.

The girls show up. Sebastian wows one of them by showing off the fact that he has all the Muzzy tapes at home. And also, Muzzy pajamas. En francais, he tells the girl that he's going to marry her tonight. I wait for her to lean forward and ask, "Bruno? Is that you?" before attempting to rip off his face mask, flippy hair and all. But no, she's creaming her Vera Wang tights. (What IS it with this guy?! Is he wearing pheromones? Do his Axe soaked follicles really turn on girls?)

Sebastian starts seriously hair flipping in her direction and I'm this close to cutting a bitch. At the end of the date, Sebastian hugs the girl (and Gabe plays Wingman to the girl's friend), but Sebastian reminds the viewer in his voiceover that he couldn't possibly settle down until he's sixty. Slick! (Will you still wheel me, will you still deal me, when I'm 64?)

Next, P.C.'s dinner with Kelli. Kelli brings Camille along on her date, and he can't believe it. This is an odd date, but not as creepy as the time I went out with that BDSM dude who brought along his girlfriend and a list of dungeon scenarios that he wanted to act out with me. P.C., though, is too jaded to turn this into a threesome. I get the feeling that if one of them brought up a lil menage, he'd say something like, "Yeah, you know, it's all been done--really, the only way I can get turned on these days is if gerbils nibble on my nipples while an Asian boy kneels by me as I flip through the pages of the Wall Street Journal. Really, sex is so overdone."

Kelli and Camille probe P.C. about Jessie, and then all three of them talk about what a bitch Jessie is. (Et tu, P.C.-e?") P.C. makes it clear that he and Jessie are no longer an item. Speaking of Jessie, it turns out Camille came along because she wants to know about Operation Smile as part of her community service so she can go to Hah-vahd. (Jessie sits on the board of Operation Smile.) "So if P.C. could help me out with Operation Smile and getting on the board, I think this would really make this dinner very productive." Christ, you want to get into Harvard that bad, can't you just ace your SATs and send them a video of you in a bikini talking about how you feel comfortable using legal jargon in every day life? As for the community service, why not just go de-worm some cute puppies or host a naked car wash.

Later, P.C. sighs about how horrid the food is, how small the portions are, and then wows them with how he ate blowfish the other night. (P.C., you ass, it's one thing to call Jessie a bitch, but "blowfish"? That's harsh.)

To prepare blowfish, you need two years' experience, Camille adds. (Or an assistant who's really good at covering for you when you step out to make out with Mrs. Krappabel.)

Ever charming, P.C. asks the girls how old they are, twelve? They stare at him, telling him how abrasive he's being. (Okay, if it were me, I'd respond, "Yeah, well, pedophile is a big word for a twelve year old.") P.C. voice overs that they're "fucking young bitches" that need to be taken to task.

Having drinks with Jessie later that night, P.C. talks about how dating is so over and how frustrating the scene is. Jessie volunteers to set him up with someone more his speed, some tall, skinny brunette. He quips that he doesn't want to date himself (someone's still trapped in the closet!) and then tells Jessie to set it up, tossing a capped water bottle at her and snapping his fingers at her. (I'm going to add P.C. under Sasha Baron Cohen to my list of people who make Tom Cruise seem adorable.) Jessie flips (god, I really want to see Nina Garcia unleashing her fiery Latina temper and throwing jalepenos and sombreros at Jessie when she interns at Elle) and storms out of the restaurant (presumably with her PDA on vibrate).

Later, P.C. is contrite. He calls up Frau Jessie, saying he's at Columbus Circle and wants to meet up to apologize (Jessie asking him if he's wearing a fanny pack since he's in Tourist Central--oh, Jessie, I think you're late for that Algonquin Round Table meeting!).

Still to come in future episodes: will Taylor and Sebastian make out? Will Camille get on the board of Operation Smile? Will Jessie disembowel Kelli? And will P.C. shave the chin pubes or spring for a Brazilian?

Friday, July 10, 2009

NYC Prep: Meet the Feebs

Sadako gets further away from her BSC roots. (Sorry, but these kids needed a snarking much more than poor put upon Mallory.) This post will introduce the main characters. They include Jessie, P.C., Kelli, Sebastian, Camille, and Taylor. Pay attention, there will be a quiz. And in the next few days, hopefully, I'll put up some recaps of this wonderfully awful show.

Jessie and P.C. kvetch about the hardships of getting into college. Jessie and P.C. have a long history (they've known each other since the sixth grade! back when Jessie was on nose number two, right? and when P.C. was just coming off the assembly line with Bill Gates chanting "My precious" at him). They used to date but now they've got this whole When Harry Met Sally, Mr. Big and Carrie, Andrea and Brandon, will they or won't they vibe going on, except without hip one-liners or fake orgasms.

As the two of them try desperately to channel Sebastian Valmont and Catherine Mertreuil (I get the sense that the required viewing for being on the show included Cruel Intentions, Gossip Girl, Cruel Intentions: the TV show, and Cruel Intentions: the Animated Series), I faintly hear a producer off screen shrieking, "Look more world-weary!" P.C. tells Jessie that if she doesn't get into the school of her choice, she can just have someone pull a few strings. "That's what New York is. Money is power. That's what it is."

P.C. introduces himself to the viewer, saying he was born and raised in New York and lives on the Upper East Side. (God, it's going to get old typing this out--note to self, find a better macro.) "The thing about New York is just, money flows like the wind." Oh, that's who wrote that abysmal Patrick Swayze track for Dirty Dancing.

Now on to Jessie. "I'm Jessie, I'm a senior, I'm seventeen, and I live on the Upper East Side." And I'm the resident bitch. Think Kelly Taylor before she got all saintly. Jessie's all about fashion, has a Barney's personal shopper, and inspires more rage in me than the Anna Wintour knockoff in Devil Wears Prada. Back to the kids. Jessie's on the board of Operation Smile, an organization devoted to getting poor children access to cleft palate surgery. P.C. muses that there are more important things to devote time and money to while Jessie erupts. No, I agree, P.C., there are way better causes.

Like getting this poor cross-eyed girl a Burberry eye patch.

And then holding a fundraiser to investigate the cause of why a seemingly healthy young man is growing pubic hair from his chin. (Does the pube fairy have it in for you?)

Next, Kelli. She wants to be a professional singer.
Well, seems she has the connections of Kelly Osbourne, the dark tresses of Kelly Kapowski, the bland cuteness of Kelly Clarkson, and the voice of a mule undergoing castration. Her parents live most of the time in the Hamptons so Kelli and her eighteen year old brother pretty much live alone in their apartment.

Judging from that grin on your face, when you're very, very good, little sister lets you re-enact Flowers in the Attic? Why so much time in the Hamptons? I'm guessing it's because Mom needs a safe haven for when her breast implants occasionally deflate leaving an oozing mess--who wants to deal with that when you're waiting for a table at Nobu? Cut to Kelli en famille eating Chinese food (they order in every night and have no idea where the cutlery is! they're just that New York!).

I shriek for a moment. "Donatella! I didn't know you were--Oh." Yeah, just Kelli's ma, looking pissed at having to squander another minute with the fruits of her loins. Soon, the parents leave.

Enter: the boy toy! Kelli and her friends nosh in style as Sebastian comes in to join them. The girls cream for him, giggling and telling him he looks like a surfer. (Are surfers even in? I thought it was still pirates, ninjas, robots, and boys wearing eyeliner.)

God, I haven't seen floppy hair get this much love since the days when Shawn Hunter and Eric Matthews ruled ABC. (Oh, I miss those kids.) Sebastian tells us he's sixteen, a sophomore, and lives on the Upper East Side. Really? Because I was going to guess outer Zanzibar. No, don't look confused, that's a joke, kid.

Sebastian tells us he likes to hook up with two to three girls a night and up to sixteen girls a month. To the girls at the table, he says, "Why date one girl when you can, like, hook up with a bunch?" The Costco approach to the fairer sex--I love it! There's some awkward laughter as everyone surreptitiously tries to remember whose water glass was whose and how long herpes lives when exposed to the air. Sebastian and Kelli make eyes at each other and he gives her his digits. Oh, Leisure Suit Sebastian, you go boy.

Next, Camille, who's seventeen, a junior, lives on the Upper West Side, and (I gather) loves a good seance.
Do my ears deceive me?! Cool! Maybe we'll get a mention of Zabar's! (Man, if I only had a bagel right now.) Camille tries to tell us that she's rich but not that rich.
Well, considering that the richer you get, the tackier your decor and/or clothes can get (see my theory on Bill Cosby sweaters), yep, you guys are swimming in it. Where did most of this stuff come from? The Neverland Ranch yard sale? Camille tells us she doesn't want to apologize for having money. Can you apologize for not spending it better?

Camille's the Tracy Flick over-achiever type of the group. We cut to SaraBeth's (so you know you're on the West Side), where Camille's mother puts away her Botox needles and pulls out her cattle prod, and asks about Camille's SAT scores.
In between scones, Camille takes out her Blackberry (because finding out your scores while eating cold pop tarts and fried rice via non wireless means is so lower middle!). She dislocates her jaw telling us she, "didn't do amazingly" but still did pretty well. Camille and ma do their best to put on a good face for the camera, before going on to the issue of community service. As to whether or not she'll take the SATs over again, I can already see Cinda (Camille's mom) dolled up like Kate Winslet in The Reader standing over the Kaplan books screaming, "Schnell."

You know what would make Camille a lot more appealing to a mass audience? If you replaced the text with "I can has purrffct skor?!" And also replaced Camille with a wide eyed Russian blue. Lolcats. Is there anything they can't improve?

Next, we see a shot of an American flag in front of a building and (how gauche!) a yellow school bus. Meet Taylor. She talks to her friends about spring break in front of grey lockers.

Toto, we're not in Groton anymore. Taylor is a fifteen year old sophomore at a New York public school (Stuyvesant, FTR). She voice overs that it's hard to keep up with the private school set. Taylor is the anti-Holden Caulfield, lodged firmly up the ass of the most high ranking crumbums in the private school scene. She tells us that she has some private school kids who think nothing of dropping five c's on lunch or dinner at high priced restaurants and then pay the bill without her having to chip in. Aw, having rich friends rocks.

The token outsider. Something tells me that Taylor will soon be playing the Danielle Staub to Frau Jessie's Caroline. (What? You know you love the Jersey housewives, too.) Or the Paulina Porizkova to Kelli's Tyra Banks. Except Taylor's rather sweet, and I make a mental note to send her a copy of Curtis Sittenfeld's Prep.

So, the quiz.

1. Which character most needs someone to replace their favorite hair product with Nair?

A. Kelli
B. Sebastian
C. Taylor

2. What's Kelli's deal?

A. She's the independent one
B. She's going to be a famous pop singer
C. Her parents want to sell her to the circus

3. What's Jessie's biggest interest?

A. Boning P.C.
B. Fashion
C. Helping ugly poor kids