Thursday, September 30, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Mean Girls

Producer: "I'm thinking we need to fill this generation's void for a bitchy adolescent girl movie. The viciousness of Heathers plus the copious consumption of Cluelessness. Tina, I'm going to leave it to you and your writing team to come up with a great title. Something like, Girls Are Mean."

Tina Fey: "So...we're all cool with Mean Girls?"

Cady: "Hi, I'm from Africa. I'm pretty but nonthreatening."

Janis: "I'm Janis Ian, and this is Damian, the Rickie Vasquez to my Rayanne Graff. He hangs with me because Glee hasn't yet established that gay kids with a flair for the dramatic can do things beside mope and be generally angsty."

Cady: "Hey."

Janis: "This is perfect! You can infiltrate the Plastics and take revenge on Regina George!"

Cady: "I don't know..."

Janis: "Look, we're teen girls. We don't have a lot of options. It's either that or a She's All That-esque makeover if you actually want people to actually see this film."

Regina: "You're really pretty."

Cady: "Thanks."

Regina: "So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"

Cady: "Well, people do call me the Marilyn Monroe of my generation, but I don't want to brag...I'm more of the 00s answer to Jayne Mansfield."

Regina: "Want to join our group? We have no sense of irony so we basically modeled our lives and personalities on the Fashion Club from Daria. We wear tank tops no more than one day a week and jeans and sweatpants are for Fridays only. I'm the Sandy of the group, that's Gretchen Wieners, my little punching bag. Here's Karen, who gives the term pretty vacant new meaning. We were looking for an opening for a Quinn Morgandorffer esque character."

Gretchen: "Ugh, I hate my thighs."

Karen: "My hips are huge."

Cady: I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there are a lot of other things that can be wrong with your body.

Sadako: "Like nail beds that spontaneously generate profanity when you're in court?"

Janis: "So, dish."

Cady: "They have this book called the Burn Book where they make fun of everyone in school."

Janis: "What'd they say about me?"

Cady: "Oh, um...uh...You're not in it."

Janis: "Those bitches."

Oscar Wilde: "The only thing worse than being burned about is not being burned about."

Cady: In the regular world, Halloween is where little kids dress up and beg for candy. In Girl World, it's the one time when a girl can dress like a sexy Finding Nemo fish or a slutty bumblebee and no one else can say anything about it.

Regina: "So you like Aaron? I'll totally make it easier for you to get with him."

Cady: "Really?"

Regina: "So sorry. My boyfriend now. I think Jason's still available, though."

Jason: "You wanna be my plus one for the Midnight Society gala tonight?"

Cady: "I hate her!"

Janis: "Come on. Let's start Operation Make Regina Fat and Unloved."

Cady: "Have a weight loss bar."

Regina: "Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! And stop taking credit for totes and O RLY!"

Gretchen: "Grrrr. Did you know that's not her real nose? She went to the same plastic surgeon as Cokie Mason's. And I'm not allowed to get collagen on the same days she does. Oh, and she cheats on Aaron with Shane Oman."

Cady: "Larry Summers was right--I can't do math. Aaron, will you help tutor me?"

Aaron: "Okay. What'd you get for number two?"

Cady: "Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!"

Ms. Norbury: "Cady, you don't have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you, you know."

Sadako: "As long as you're self deprecating about your intelligence and any deviance you have from the size two Hollywood physical ideal."

Ms. Norbury: "I'm a pusher, Cady. I pushed my ex husband to go to law school, I push myself in three jobs, I pushed Jimmy Fallon to get past his impediment of laughing through even the most tedious jokes to become a Weekend Update anchor, and I'm going to push you because I know you're smarter than this."

Janis: "Why didn't you invite me to your party, Cady?"

Cady: "Um...yeah...are you in love with me or something?"

Janis: "Sob. I learned the truth at seventeen. Nothing but liquid evil comes out of beauty queens. That's the problem with you Plastics--you think everyone's so in love with you. I have better things to do than be obsessed with you--like outgothing Faruiza Balk."

Regina: "Cady tried to get me to gain weight?! Oh, and she was never really my friend? That bitch. Mr. Duvall! Look what I found! It's a book saying mean things about everyone in school!"

Mr. Duvall: "Girls, let's deal with this burn book. Does anyone have a lady problem?"

Sadako: "No, but I have a how you say...ah yes, query if Antonio Banderas is available."

Ms. Norbury: "You have got to stop calling yourselves sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores, and there's nothing more important than what a man thinks of you!"

Cady: "I'm Spartacus. I mean, I did it. I'm going to take credit for the Burn Book."

Ms. Norbury: "Cady, you're a mathlete now."

Cady: "What?! Why?"

Lindsay Weir: "Because that's what you do to atone when you're a good girl who strays from the flock."

Ms. Norbury: "And it's the only way you'll pass calculus and rectify the sexist stereotyping you've done."

Mathletes Announcer: "Next, we'll have Miss Caroline Krafft against Miss Cady Heron."

Cady: "Miss Caroline Krafft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows and her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday School teacher. And that's when I learned the truth. Calling someone else won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid won't make you any smarter. And calling the girl on the math team we were competing against a bushy browed snaggle toothed fashion victim wouldn't stop her from beating me in this contest."

Sadako: "Though apparently it is a good stress buster."

Mr. Duvall: "The votes are in--Cady Heron is Spring Fling Queen!"

Cady: "You guys are all awesome, and I want to give all of you a piece of the never ending spring fling queen crown. Here's a piece for you, Gretchen, and one for you, Janis. And one for you, Glen Coco, for being the most awesomely named character in the movie."

Carrie Prejean: "Loser."

Rima Fakih: "You're supposed to use the title of beauty queen to spout off bigotry against minorities, tool."

Cady: "There. Doesn't a tiny piece of plastic make up for the body image issues and anxiety disorders my clique and I contributed to you having?"

Monday, September 27, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Psycho

Marion Crane: "I hate lounging around in these seedy motels on my lunch break, Sam. Why can't we get married and wear flannel nightclothes in our double beds that are a chaste six feet apart?"

Sam Loomis: "I've got to pay off the alimony to my ex-wife."

Marion's boss: "Marion, take this forty grand to the bank. Oh, and then drop off my cute sad eyed beagle puppies without petting them or squeeing."

Marion: "A chance at a better life!"

Rod Serling: "And inspiration for my newest episode: The Hitchhiker!"

Marion: "Excuse me, do you have any vacancies?"

Norman Bates: "We have twelve rooms and twelve vacancies."

Marion: "It's 1960 and I'm female which means that I have the math skills of a young chimp. Is that a yes or a no?"

Norman Bates: "Want to have dinner with me?"

Mother: "NO! I tell you no! I won't have you bringing in young girls for supper."

Norman: "Mother, she's just a stranger who happens to have breasts and a smooth, supple ass. I mean...Uh."

Mother: "As if men don't desire strangers!"

Carrie White's Mother, Mrs. White: "I'd love to form a support group for parents of bad seeds if you're not busy later."

Marion: "I've caused you some trouble."

Norman: "Well, let's eat. You eat like a bird."

Sadako: "And if the eHarmony profile she filled out specified enjoys eating habits being scrutinized, you'd be in luck, Norman."

Marion: "You'd know, of course."

Norman: "Anyway, I hear the expression eats a bird is a f-falsity because birds eat a lot. But I don't know anything about birds. My hobby is stuffing them--taxidermy. Don't you just love that new formaldehyde smell?"

Sadako: "Oh, Norman, poor Norman. If you can just hold on a few decades till Michael Cera and a crew of unwashed hipsters turn haltingly awkward speech into a mating call."

Marion: "Maybe they could put your mother away somewhere. Like into one of the less urine soaked nursing homes."

Norman: "Put her away somewhere?! Like in a madhouse?! Don't you know--a boy's best friend is his mother!"

Marion: "Well, the food and heavy handed foreshadowing has been nice, but I'd better be going to bed."

Norman: "I'll bring you breakfast! What time?"

Marion: "Um. My good manners and breeding prevent me from telling you how creepy you are, so I'll just say that I'm waking up early, to go home and step out of a trap I got into."

Marion: *undresses*

Norman: "Oh...yeah."

Sadako: "I'm starting to think that Chat Roulette is a social service on par with food stamps and Medicare."

Marion: "AAH!"

Norman: "Mother? Blood! Blood! Not again."

Lila: "Sam? I'm Lila, Marion's sister, and as soon as I heard she was missing, I came straight from Mr. Hitchcock's House of Statuesque Blondes to find you."

Sam: "She's missing?"

Milton Arbogast: "Hello. I'm Milton Arbogast, private investigator. Turns out your girlfriend stole forty thousand dollars from her boss. Now, he doesn't want to prosecute. He just wants the money back."

Bernie Madoff: "He sounds like good people."

Arbogast: "I'm going to do a little detective work and see what I can come up with."

Norman: "Can I help you?"

Arbogast: "Hello there, friend. I'm looking for a girl--name of Marion Crane. Has she been by?"

Norman: "I wasn't staring at her dirty pillows! I mean...what girl, who?"

Arbogast: "I see. Now, you wouldn't be hiding this girl, would you? If she wanted you to gallantly protect her, you'd know you were being made a fool of, right?"

Norman: "But I'm not capable of being made a fool! Not even by a woman! Or one of the more convincing transvestites!"

Arbogast: "Well--

Norman: "Let's say she may have fooled me but she didn't fool my mother."

Arbogast: "Can I meet your mother?"

Norman: "No."

Arbogast: "Oh Mrs. Bates--ah! Oh well, maybe in death I'll live on as a namesake for a future slasher film character."

John Carpenter: "Sorry, Loomis has fewer syllables than Arbogast."

Sam: "Sheriff, we don't know what to do. Our PI was going to talk to Norman's mother, but--"

Sheriff: "Norman's mother? Norman's mother's been dead and buried for the past twenty years."

Sam: "Well. We sure didn't see that twist coming."

M. Night Shyamalan: "Now that's how you make a movie."

Lila: "Sam, we're going to register at the Bates motel as man and wife. You keep Norman busy and I'll investigate."

Sam: "Sending a vulnerable but spunky young girl in to investigate a potentially dangerous situation? Won't they revoke my man card for this?"

Jamie Lee Curtis: "Quiet, you, my future status as a Final Girl and Scream Queen hinge on this poor decision!"

Sam: " come here often?"

Norman: "Where's that girl you came here with?"

Lila: "Ooh. Norman's room? Toys for a grown man? Creepy."

Comic Book Guy: "We prefer to call them collectibles."

Lila: "Mrs. Bates? Mrs. Bates?"

Mrs. Bates: "...."

Lila: "Mrs.--AH!"

Norman: "Heeeere's Mother!"

Sadako: "Oh, honey, that haphazard wig and hastily smeared on blush may pass for cross dressing in rural America, but you'd be kicked off Priscilla Queen of the Desert halfway through the outback for improper attire and make up application."

Dr. Richmond, Psychiatrist: "So, you see, Lila, Sam, Sheriff Chambers, the District Attorney, and the slower members of the audience. Norman killed his mother and her lover and then as a result of the guilt developed a split personality."

Sadako: "And as a result of Norman Bates, film directors everywhere confused originality with revealing that a character suffers from multiple personalities."

Norman: They're probably watching me. Well, let them. They'll see. I'm not even going to swat that fly. They'll say, why she wouldn't even swat a fly. Even if it is one of the more promiscuous species of fly.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Bambi

In honor of Sadako's birthday today, I bring you a movie featuring the birth of another extremely cute animal: Bambi!

Thumper: "He's here! The new prince is born!"


Owl: "Welcome to the forest, little one."

Bambi's Mother: "Hello, everyone. I just finished with the afterbirth. Would anyone like a bit of placenta?"

Thumper: "Kinda wobbly, isn't he?"

Thumper's Mother: "Thumper! What did your father tell you this morning?"

Thumper: "If you don't have anything saccharine sweet to say, you can leave Disney and go be a bit player in a Tex Avery cartoon."

Bambi: "Flower! Pretty, pretty flower!"

Flower: "No one except for the mystery van of stoned teenagers who come to the woods to smoke up every weekend ever called me that before!"

Bambi's Mother: "We're going to the meadow now, Bambi."

Bambi: "Yay! The meadow!"

Bambi's Mother: "No, Bambi! Do you want to end up as an accessory on Norman Bates's end table? We must go out slowly. I'll go out first. All right, Bambi, it's safe!"

Faline: "Hi, I'm a mindless girl! Let's play!"

Bambi: "?!"

Faline: "He's shy, isn't he, Mama?"

Faline's Mother: "Well, maybe your chances of marrying into royalty would increase if you said hello, Faline."

Bambi: "Yuch."

Bambi's Father, Prince of the Forest: "Hm. That'll do, fawn."

Bambi: "He stopped and looked at me, Mother. Why was everyone still when he came on the meadow?"

Bambi's Mother: "Everyone respects him. He's very brave and very wise. That's why he is known as the Great Prince of the Forest, and why I don't complain that he's never once taken custody of you for a single weekend and why I only receive child support checks every other month."

Bambi: "Wow."

Bambi's Mother: "Bambi. Danger. RUN!"

Bambi: "We made it, Mother! Mother? Mother?"

Bambi's Father: "Your mother can't be with you anymore. I'll take on the duty of raising you. It'll be like Three Men and a Little Baby meets Two and a Half Men meets National Geographic."

Owl: "Bambi, Thumper, Flower! You're all grown up! Now, let me teach you guys about the battle of the sexes. Male animals are perfectly rational and happy until females come along and bewitch them."

Bambi: "It won't happen to us!"

Flower: "Yeah--oh my god. Did you guys get a look at the scent glands on that specimen? Sorry, guys. I'm out."

Bambi: "Yeah, well. We're still Masters of our Domain. Come on, Thumper. Thumper?"

Thumper: "!?!?!"

Sadako: "I don't know, Thumper. I think going after a heavily made up rabbit is a self hating move. Do you know how many lab rabbits died testing mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick?"

Faline: "Hello, Bambi."

Bambi: "Her girlish laugh, her helplessness, her prehensile tongue. I'm in love! Faline, you want to go back to the little place I've got near the old oak tree?"

Faline: "Sure."

Bambi: "Mmm. What's that smoke?"

Bambi's Father: "Man is in the forest again. We must go."

Bambi: "Now? Seriously? It's a really bad time, Dad..."

Feline: *waking up* "Bambi? Bambi? Oh, Feline. You sure can pick them."

Bambi: "Faline! Don't try to fight back! Cower while I take on all the dogs. Ow..."

Bambi's Father: "Get up, Bambi. GET UP. You MUST get up."

Bambi: "Now you start with the parenting? You don't even talk to me till Mom dies, you leave the sex talk to an owl, and you couldn't even toss the pigskin around with me once?"

Faline: "Bambi! You made it!"

*The gestational period of a fawn later*

Raccoon: "Look! Two of them!"

Rabbit: "Well, that's the only way they could've topped last year's cute birth."

Owl: "Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud."

Bambi: "Parenting sure is hard, Dad."

Bambi's Father: "It sure is, son. It sure is."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Sex and the City

Carrie: "Once upon a time, there were four independent women who wanted to live life on their own terms. One of us moved out of Manhattan to Brooklyn to be with the guy she loved. One gave up promiscuity to spend time out in LA with her boyfriend. And the other gave up her WASP-y heritage in favor of Judaism for a rich lawyer. And then, there was me."

Big: "I've got a good feeling about this place, kid."

Carrie: (voiceover) "Finding the perfect apartment in New York City is like finding the perfect partner. It can take years."

Realtor: "What do you think?"

Carrie: "It's perfect! But...can we afford it?"

Mr. Big: "I got it."

Carrie: "Ooh!"

Sadako: "Pick up the check at a restaurant, pay for a movie, and you can rock her world twice more tonight without even breaking out the KY."

Carrie: "Big bought me an apartment with a dreamhouse for my Jimmy Choos!"

Miranda: "But he'll own it. You are keeping your own place, right?"

Carrie: "I thought keeping my own name and the honorific Ms. was enough to prove my feminist credentials!"

Mr. Big: "So..."

Carrie: "If you break up with me again, I've got no protection. I could be out on the street, selling my shoes and jewelry."

Sadako: "Yeah. You might have to go back to supporting yourself one day."

Mr. Big: "So, we'll get married."

Carrie: "Yay!"

Enid: "Carrie, I'd like you for this Vogue issue. We're doing Style at Every Age."

Carrie: "Great, who am I interviewing?"

Enid: "No, no, you silly girl. No one in the audience wants to see you with your PowerBook--they want to see an average girl model and live vicariously through you. On with the wedding dresses!"

Carrie: "Just your typical Wednesday. Breakfast with Vera Wang. Coffee with Caroline Herrera. Appetizers with Oscar De La Renta..."

Sadako: "Pat Fields is trying really hard to recreate the magic of raiding the Vogue closet in Devil Wears Prada, eh?"

Steve: "Miranda. I had sex with someone else. It's been a long time, and well--"

Miranda: "I'm sorry, do you have me confused with an insecure, postage stamp skirt wearing lawyer from a David E. Kelley drama? I'm out of here."

Carrie: "This wedding's going to be perfect. Getting married in Vivienne Westwood says I'm still fashionable, having it at the New York Public Library says I'm still literary, and having 200 of my closest friends and family members means that I'm more socially relevant than a Cosmopolitan."

Mr. Big: "Carrie, don't you think this is getting out of hand? The NY Post, 200 people..."

Carrie: "Big. This is my wedding. If you don't let me have a ceremony that is Bridezilla on steroids, I will go insane and I will take you with me. Come on, guys, let's go through my closet!"

Carrie: (voiceover) "It took four friends three days to put twenty years into twenty-eight boxes."

Sadako: "And it took one movie producer one five minute montage to trick hoards of mumu clad women in the Midwest that shoulder pads the size of tumors are in."

Mr. Big: "Miranda? Is everything okay?"

Miranda: "No. And if you get married, you're a moron."

Sadako: "So that's why white people have rehearsal dinners! To ruin their friends' shot at happiness."

Carrie: "Where's Big? It's my wedding day and the groom isn't here? Someone hand me a phone."

Mr. Big: "Carrie, I'm sorry. I had a few last minute jitters, and I'm five minutes late, but I'm here now--"

Carrie: "I was HUMILIATED!"

Aidan Shaw: "For some reason, I feel completely vindicated, and I have no idea why."

Carrie: "Don't you realize that only the person wearing Vivienne Westwood is allowed to have second thoughts about getting married?!"

Samantha: "The SATC girls are going to Mexico!"

Miranda: "I can't go to Mexico. I have a job, and a kid, and marital issues of my own."

Samantha: "How can you even think of that? We need to be there for her. This is the chick flick equivalent of getting raped and left for dead."

Carrie: "I've got to do something to pull me out of my little Mexicoma."

Samantha: "Oh, honey. You made a little joke. You're a little closer to the delusion that you're the feminist 21st century version of Oscar Wilde. Good for you!"

Miranda: "Good news. We can get your apartment back. They're selling it back to you at the escalated price."

Samantha: "Now let's work on getting your closet of Manolos back there."

Carrie: "You two could rule the world."

Sadako: "We could have a universe where every woman who is the victim of sexual harassment, female genital mutilation, or the double standard has access to a rent controlled apartment full of designer shoes."

Carrie: "Back at home, greeted by wedding gifts and a scary inbox of e-mails, there was no better time to try to get a little closer to emulating Anna Wintour: by hiring a personal assistant. So, Louise from St. Louis, why should I hire you?"

Louise: "Because, one, I can smile and pretend you calling me Louise from St. Louis passes for wit, two, I'm a person of color and of curves rolled into one token minority, and, three, I'll do a song on the soundtrack for half the price of Beyonce."

Carrie: "Why'd you come to New York?"

Louise: "Well, I know it's cliched, but to find love. See? It's the objective on the top of my resume."

Sadako: "Admitting to your employer that you're going to quit at the drop of a hat if the right guy comes along. Now that's what I call feminism."

Charlotte: "Oh my god. I'm pregnant. I'm finally pregnant!"

Carrie: "Sweetie, that's great."

Charlotte: "Anyone want to take my Oriental consolation prize off my hands? Carrie, you look lonely."

Carrie: "It was my fault Big left me. I'm so self centered. In the vows I wrote, he only appeared as a footnote on page two."

Miranda: "Um, at the rehearsal dinner, I sort of told Big that the institution of marriage was meaningless. Do you think it was my fault?"

Carrie: "You ruined my marriage?!"

Natasha, Big's Ex: "Mmm. They're right. It is a dish best served cold."

Carrie: "You know, you can't stand me being mad at me for three days, but you won't give Steve a chance after six months."

Miranda: "You're right. Steve, let's do this again."

Carrie: "And Miranda never looked back, except for the occasional night spent writing L.A. Law fanfic."

Samantha: "Hi, everyone. Did you ever think you'd see the day? Me, with a pooch?"

Carrie: "Um..."

Charlotte *cough* "Fat."

Miranda: "Do I invalidate my Gloria Steinem-esque persona by expecting a fifty year old woman to have the body of a teenager?"

Samantha: "You guys are right. I've been eating because I can't have sex with the random guys I meet. Monogamy is killing me!"

Sadako: "The ideal woman: tiny and ready for sex at the drop of a hat. Thanks, Darren Star."

Samantha: "Smith, honey, I have to tell you something."

Smith: "What?"

Michael Patrick King: "I've loved writing in gratuitous scenes where your ass is on display for no good reason, but I love having at least one single woman to write into improbable sexual scenarios for the entertainment of sex starved menopausal Midwestern women more. It's over."

Mr. Big: "Charlotte?"

Charlotte: "Uh oh. Leave me alone! Ow, my water broke!"

Mr. Big: "Let me give you a lift to the hospital."

Charlotte: "No! I don't need you to take me to the hospital because of what you did to Carrie! Also, am I supposed to call you John on the ride over, because that feels weird at this point, or Big, or Mr. Big, because that feels even more awkward."

Carrie: "Oh, Charlotte, your new baby is beautiful."

Charlotte: "Big gave me a ride to the hospital. My water broke when I was talking to him."

Harry: "Carrie, he asked me to tell you to call him. The guy is a wreck without you. He writes to you every day--"

Carrie: "Wait, I haven't gotten anything from him. Unless...the Internet! It's buried deep in one of the series of tubes! But what's the password?! Louise? Damn, she quit. Oh, I know! The password is love."

Sadako: "And that explains why 75% of the building's residents have managed to poach your password protected wireless."

Carrie: "Oh, Big!"

Sadako: "And because Big still didn't have the words, he plagiarized love letters from other rich and famous men."

Carrie: "Picking up my own checks and telling myself I'm buying myself a new La Perla thong for as a single gal isn't working out. I'll compromise. Next up: a low key wedding and pretending that you jerking me around for the last ten years don't bother me!"