Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Where Are They Now?: The BSC Edition

Be honest, you don't really want to know whatever happened to the kid who played Paul on the Wonder Years or that dog from Full House. (Okay, okay, he went on to play Air Bud.) Let's focus on some people whose fates we really want to know!

Kristy
. CEO and/or founder of pretty much every organization at Stamford's Women's Correctional Facility where she's been for the last eight years since Karen Brewer was found on the third floor of the Brewer mansion with an ice pick in her skull. She's currently pioneering the Penpals program where women in prison write to girls between the ages of five and twelve.

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Mary Anne. Owner of Cute Overload, 4chan, icanhascheezeburger.com, and Cute Things Falling Asleep, Mary Anne decided long ago that the best way of sublimating her pesky urges (same sex or otherwise) was by delving into all things saccharine. Of course, let's not forget that MA is pretty passive aggressive and downright nasty when push comes to shove. She's capable of sighing over Keropi frog wearing a bow tie one minute and laying off an entire factory of Indonesian children going blind as they create I made you a cookie but I eated it pencil cases the next.

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Claudia. In between stints at the Tracy Gold Center for Bulimia, Claudia went on to use her love of art and pop culture in a unique way. Remember those adorable little girl icons we adored as kids? Yeah, Claudia's the one that made Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite into the wet dream of the type of guy whose favorite show is Toddlers and Tiaras. And I hear she's behind Dora the Explorer's transition from moon faced, adventurous toddler to fashion and weight conscious tween.

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Stacey. Stacey's a hobag at heart. No, not for money--dad keeps her in insulin and apparel from Bloomie's, after all. But she's always going to be the BSC's best lil attention whore. After doing the model slash actress slash accountant thing, she finally figured that the best way of stretching out her fifteen minutes was to publish a memoir. As soon as Ed McGill kicked the bucket (work induced heart attack), Stacey published Hypoglycemic on Arrival, where she discussed what really happened when her dad showed up the night before her wedding begging her not to go through with it. I'll give you a hint. It makes his line in Stacey's Lie ("How would you like to go buy yourself a pretty summery something to wear to dinner tonight? I'll take you to the Lion's Lair") look as wholesome as a PBS creation.

Dawn wrestles with her two sides--the independent, "You don't own me," "That's Ms. Schafer if you're nasty!" side and the "I wanna be Travis's girl" part of her persona. She published a sequel to the The Beauty Myth about how wearing ripped sweat shirts looks hot and how to best do Sexy Face on your MySpace page pictures...and how all of those things are examples of how patriarchy sucks out our souls, puts them through a blender, and makes Oppression Shakes out of them.

Mallory. Like all former ugly three legged eight winged ducklings, Mallory probably does everything (and everyone) to seek validation of her freckled, pale, droopy assets. So when I stumbled onto the blog, Confessions of a College Call Girl, I realized that our little Mal had grown up.

I could tell from stuff like this:
I think that's part of why I do this. I've felt like such an ugly duckling all my life and the idea that men want to fuck me--want to fuck me so bad that they'll PAY for the privilege, just really gets me. I had at least 5 different men tell me I was beautiful. That word slays me every time.
Or this...
I know now those boys at school were so mean to me because they wanted to fuck me. They could feel the latent sexuality radiating off of me, sending signals to their underdeveloped hormones. But I was too smart, too brazen, and too impossibly scary for them. I was an adult taste like caviar, and they were accustomed to cheeseburgers.
Jessi. Oh, you didn't think she actually became a ballet dancer, did you? That would be too easy. When she hit the big 1-4, she inherited Aunt Cecilia's metabolism and her dreams of Swan Lake disappeared along with her size zero hips. On the plus side, she still had her rigorous training, her great posture, the organizational skills she learned at the knee of Kristy Thomas, and Aunt Cecilia's sense of sass. And trying to get Becca and Charlotte ready for that play in BSC Summer Vacation was perfect prep for founding her own Runway School.

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Abby. Oh, Abby-come-lately. I just don't care what happened to you. What is it with girls with A names trying to insinuate themselves into already established groups? There's our Abby. And Andie McPhee whom everyone hated because she just wasn't Joey and yet had the audacity to date Pacey. And Audrey who filled the sex/drugs/rock'n roll vacuum of Dawson's for a couple of seasons. And poor Andrea whose overachiever status and penchant for Hispanic pro life law students never won her any favors around the Peach Pit gang.

Anyway, Ann M., you know the rules. When a blonde leaves, another blonde should take her place, and when a brunette leaves, another brunette should replace her (or at least that's what I learned from Shannon Doherty's 90210 departure)--strike one against Abby. So what happened to Abby? In my vision, she went into that part of the hallway we never see, along with Stewart Minkus, Mr. Turner, Chuck Cunningham, Tiger from The Brady Bunch, and Judy Winslow.

And the rest. Logan's the inspiration for the Vince Vaughn/John Travolta film Domestic Disturbance, Shannon went to high school and changed her name to Tracey Enid Flick, Janine Kishi writes webcomics under the pen name Randall Munroe, and Gabbie Perkins is in a weather balloon still orbiting the earth.