Today's blog post is about why I'm not a movie star. (No, it's got nothing to do with acting talent.) I'd ruin most movies if I were in them. And...here's how!
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Martin Vanger: "My niece Harriet went missing years ago. I believe she was murdered. These flowers are from Harriet. She gave me one every year on my birthday. The rest...from her killer. Can you help me?"
Sadako: "Have you tried Googling it?"
The Graduate
Mr. MacGuire: "I just want to say one word to you. Plastics."
Sadako: "Okay."
The Graduate morphs into Dr. 90210.
Fight Club
Sadako: "Help, doctor, I've got insomnia and I'm waking up in weird places and losing track of time."
Doctor: "Well, I can't give you anything to help you sleep, but I know a good support group."
Sadako: "For insomniacs?"
Doctor: "For people with testicular cancer."
Sadako: "NyQuil cocktail, here I come!"
Black Swan
Sadako: "Well. Nobody's perfect."
Clueless
Tai: "Hope to see you soon and not sporadically!"
Sadako: "Let's forget the trip to Rodeo Drive and the Fall of the House of Usher-esque relationship waiting for me at the end of this movie and see if we can find a few copies of Strunk and White instead."
Dirty Dancing
Neil Kellerman: "Last week, I took a girl from Jamie the lifeguard. And he said, 'What does he have that I don't have?' And she said, 'Two hotels.' I'm known as the catch of the county."
Sadako: *swoon*
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, again
Karen O: "We come from the land of the ice and snow..."
Sadako: "Can someone turn down the music? Also, it's so dry here. The cold air makes me wheeze! Do you have a humidifier?"
The Exorcist
Demon: "What an excellent day for an exorcism."
Sadako: "I...can't tell if you're being sarcastic, dude."
Ghost World
Sadako: "Art teacher lady, art teacher lady! I've stopped drawing comics and I've got a new art project idea. I call it: Venus of Monistat!"
Jurassic Park
Alan Grant: "But what about the other raptors?"
Legs Satler: "We're safe. Unless they figure out how to open doors."
Sadako-Raptor: *cackles* "Oh, crap. Damn child locks..."
Muldoon: "I take back my clevah girl!"
Mean Girls
Ms. Norbury: "Okay, you were mean, superficial, looked hot in a tank top, and you spread vicious rumors. But if you become a Mathlete, you can redeem yourself. Can you do it?"
Sadako: "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!"
Seriously, if Mean Girls had had a subplot where Cady was quizzed on the Newbery award winners from the last twenty years, I totally could have done it. But in the face of math, I turn into an Elle Woods-esque mess.
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16 comments:
whoa, she's back!
You're back! And as great as ever!
I am the same with maths, don't worry. Completely, completely hopeless.
Glad to have you back! Great post :)
I seriously just said to myself the other day, Where is Sadako??
I'm glad you're back, you always make me laugh!!
You're baaaaccck!
I'm like you in that math is like kryptonite to me. I'd be the worst Mathlete ever. And the worst Denominator.
YAAAAAYY, you;re back!!
Looking forward to more popcultsnark in '12.
Yup, I am! I hope to be able to post at least semi regularly! I'm glad people remembered me. I was afraid I'd gone to the realm of zombies or something.
Haha--we missed you!
Here's hoping to see you posting NOT SPORADICALLY.
1) It's great to have you back!
2) Your time gone coincided with my time gone. Just admit your torrid love affair with me to the world. (Or, at the very least, that you're that punk sneaking into my apartment and putting my cat up on the kitchen counter, because I know he's not getting there by himself.)
3) That subtext of Clueless, where she's kind of dating a family member, was always weird to me. NERDING - I'm playing a PSP game right now where the leads are falling for each other, but it's also a weird familial thing, since the boy was adopted into the family when he was 11.
4) An overlooked and awkward part of Dirty Dancing is the completely unnecessary abortion angle in the middle of it. It's like, wtf? Couldn't you have just done a straight-up rom-com? Similarly, Gremlins has a part where Phoebe Cates talks about being molested that is so over the top, they purposely do a spoof callback to it in Gremlins 2.
YAY!!!! Finally after nearly 10 months a new blog post!!
Hope we don't have to wait as long for the next one. You should do a MLP: Friendship is Magic themed one, or at least put in refs! :)
For sure, Steve! :) I don't remember Phoebe Cates being molested in Gremlins...are you thinking of the bizarre story about her father dressing up as Santa and dying in the chimney?
@ Sadako - Yeah, that's it! And then in the second one, I think she tells a story about being molested by a man in an Abraham Lincoln costume, or something.
Yay, congrats on getting paid writing work too.
I like to think it was my last comment begging you to come back on the previous post that sealed the deal :)
Welcome back. And an excellent post to come back with.
So glad you're back! Not gonna lie, I would read your old posts when I needed a good, guaranteed laugh. Looking forward to new posts!
Welcome back!
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