Monday, February 14, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker: Season 4 in a Minute

In honor of Valentine's Day, I present a recap of season 4 of the Millionaire Matchmaker. Yes, that's the New York City edition.

Patti: "I'm a third generation matchmaker with a 90% success rate!"

Destin: "New York is scary, Rachel. Do you think that our alternative act will impress the Manhattan hipster crowd?"

Patti: "Let's meet the new intern. OHN-drea? Get your skinny but incompetent ass out here!"

Andrea: "Brandon, is that you?"

Andrea: "Miranda! You called me thin?!"

Andrea: "I think it's me."

Patti: "This is Bryce Gruber. She's an uptight Charlotte York type who makes a living covering her vulva with sparkles on the, and her hobbies include pursing her lips and eye rolling. Her turn ons are uncomfortably long silences and the Jewish version of George Clooney."

Bryce: "Um..."

Niles Crane: "She's perfect! Do you have her in WASP-white?"

Patti: "Our other millionaire is guido Derek Tabacco. Hmm. What girls should I pick out for him? You. Can you like the Mets and name drop the terms moozadell and cacciatore?"

Derek Tabacco: "So, Patti, I loved the girl you picked out for me, but she's too young to settle down. Do you got anyone who's got the face and body of a teenager, the nesting instinct of a thirty year old, the well-established career of a forty year old, and the inability to ever wrinkle?"

Rod Serling: "No, but I might. Number Twelve looks like she'd be a great match for you!"

Patti: "Stop picking with the penis!"

Caroline Manzo: "Patti, my boys are having trouble finding love because every girl around them just wants them for their fame. Can you find them love?"

Patti: "Destin, are you sure the Situation won't do our show? What about the other Jersey Shore kids? I'll settle for the ugly one."

Destin: "Which one's the ugly one? And no."

Patti: "OK, Caroline, your boys are on. Guys, who do you like?"

Christopher: "I like that one."

Patti: "Stop it! Stop thinking with the cannoli! Now Albie, Chris, go plan your dates."

Chris Manzo: "So, I'm planning the first date, and we're going to Medieval Times."

Adriana LaCerva: "Aw. Drinks at the Bada Bing and dinner at Medieval Times was where Chrissy took me on our first date!"

Chris Manzo: "So, yeah. I work so many hours, you'll never actually see me, but my job isn't so prestigious you can brag about that to your friends."

Patti Stanger: "I'm a third generation matchmaker with a 60% success rate."

David: "Hi..."

Patti: "So, can we set him up with the moon and be done with it?"

Date: "So, um, what are we doing on our date?"

Sadako: "Pissing off the pro life crowd and PETA with food more controversial than foie gras."

David: "Have some balut. That's duck embryo, you know."

Date: "No..."

David: "Yes. And then put the lotion on your goddamned skin."

Matt: "I'm a millionaire because my dad invented a cookie."

Patti: "You're Otis Spunkmeyer, Jr.?"

Matt: "No."

Patti: "One of the Keebler kids?"

Matt: "No..."

Patti: "Lil Debbie? You've...changed."

Matt: "My dad was Dr. Siegal and his cookie helps you lose weight. I want a young hottie who's also got his own money, too."

Patti: "You think a ten with money is going to consider you?"

Matt: "I'll browbeat him into submission. Watch. So, yeah. You're kind of juvenile. I was really attracted to the twenty five year old at the mixer. You seem like a nice friend. Want to hear about the fantasy I constructed where he played Ganymede to my Zeus."

Matt: "That went better than usual."

Patti: " Robin. Robin has a pretty face after about three martinis, loves the color pink, and Hello Kitty. Her turn ons are TSA lawsuits and keeping Sanrio in business. Her hobbies are getting her dogs botoxed and inciting feminist parents to start class action lawsuits against the Disney Princess line."

Robin: "Oh, I want that one, please! Sexy plumber!"

Luke: "So do you people prefer the term Grenade or Fat Bottomed Girl?"

Robin: "I love you!"

Patti: "I'm a third generation matchmaker. Call on me when opening the phone book to a random name and number is too much work."

Stacey: "Patti, I've changed. Now, I'm going to plan the date. Eben, honey, we're going to a screening of how I made my very first lingerie shoot."

Patti: "What is WRONG with you?! You don't self promote on a first date! That's fourth, maybe. Showing a video of yourself? NOT COOL. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CLUB."

Max Goof: "Oops. Sorry, Roxanne."

Patti: "Good bye, New York."