Monday, February 7, 2011

Things I Wish I Could Tell My 16 Year Old Self, Part II

(Thanks to Jasmine at We Heart It.)

Because my last installment of things I wished I could tell my 16 year old self was so popular, here are some more points of edification for young Sadako.

And please check out my guest post on the Secret Society of List Addicts. It's on movie quotes that should become memes.
  • When your best friend finishes up her tiger painting and asks you to help her dye streaks into it, put the dye down, back away from her preppy boyfriend, and ride off into the distance with her hot raspy voiced musician brother, El Cid style.
  • To the part of my 16 year old self that wants to jump on the famous for being famous bandwagon, stop spending so much time crashing at Judge Ito's place and make an effort to get out to Robert Kardashian's compound.
  • Stop making jokes about how someone's in dire need of "puberty in a can" when you see Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Third Rock. Time will be kind to Mr. Gordon-Levitt. (You can continue making said jokes any time French Stewart appears, however.)
  • Don't throw away that too small tan belt--it'll come in handy years from now when you want to impress your friends with your Nick toons knowledge by going to a Halloween party as Quail Girl.
  • Yes, the WB thinks that just about anything teen related can be exploited. Feel free to mock it mercilessly for thinking even Jack and Bobby Kennedy's lives can be made Dawson's Creek-esque. But hold off on your mockery of Smallville because snarking on superheroes is going to go out of fashion very soon.
  • Go back and rewatch Trading Places. Find a way to make Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd's selling short scheme work when you hear about the opportunity to invest in a Broadway musical to which both Julie Taymor and Bono will be attached.
  • When creating your burn book, don't leave it lying around unprotected. Make sure to take a note from your very first diary (I'm talking of course about the Talkback Dear Diary). Nothing says put down the burn book and walk away with zero knowledge of Trang Pak's fugliness like a pre-recorded "HANDS OFF, CREEP" message.
  • Career advice: in the long run working as a nanny trumps working for Goldman Sachs.
  • Once again, if that creepy caller phones you late at night, MOTHER VOORHES was the killer in Friday the 13th. Of course, you can avoid that little conundrum by telling the guy your favorite scary movie is The Ewok Adventure...
  • Don't spend so much time trying to play down looking awkward. Glasses, a bowl cut, and questionable posture just might take your blog to the next level.
  • "Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs" isn't as witty a voicemail message as you think it is. No, not even if you invest in the above mentioned Julie Taymor musical. Go with, "Believe it or not, Sadako isn't at home" if you must adopt a cute message.