NYC Prep Episode 1: Top Half of One Percent

About the quiz from last time. The answer to one is B. (Sebastian). This kid's hair actually becomes a plot point later in the episode. God, never have I hated hair so much since the Beek's in Dawson's Croak. Number two. Hmm. You know, I just don't care. And three: trick question--none. Jessie's main interest is in slowly but surely dislodging the splintery bamboo shoot protruding from her ass.

So, the episode began with the character intros that I recapped last time. It continues with Taylor attempting to plan a party to raise her social status (tip to Taylor: you can't go wrong with pinatas). Her pesky mother keeps getting in the way, wanting to know who's coming. Taylor's cagey--when her mother asks, "Kids from school?" she responds, "Some from school." Who's on this list, the last Nazi war criminal?

Back to Sebastian. When we last saw him, he got Kelli's number. He tells us, "Kelli could definitely be my girlfriend but I'd rather hook up with as many girls as I want." God, it's like hearing a Muppet Baby recite I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Later, he meets up with her to hang out.

They go into a store and he watches while she tries on clothes. I can positively hear Sebastian thinking, "Okay, we did your thing--on to Babeland for some gold plated dildos."

Camille then calls Kelli to invite her to Taylor's party later that night. Up for a night of slumming with the little people, Kelli decides to bring Sebastian along, too. (You're bringing HIM? Oh, come on, I'm sure you've got a collection of Maltese puppies at home to stuff into your Kate Spade bag and bring along instead. I've had honest to god yeast infections cuter than this guy.)

Cut to Taylor's party (at a Japanese restaurant downtown). She tells us she's nervous: "There's public school kids, there's private school kids and I'm not sure if everyone's gonna mix well." Jets, Sharks, Jets, Sharks! Sadako starts to chant till Kelli fixes her with the stare of doom and she slinks off to eat her mahi mahi roll and listen to her West Side Story soundtrack. Camille asks the other girls how they were forced into being here and I'm cringing because it's all very let's put cute lil social climbin' Becky Sharpe back in her place. Later, Sebastian shows up and Camille tells him he should feel awkward being the only guy there.

"Awesome?" he asks. "Awkward," she corrects him. "Oh, I'm sorry, awesome," she says as the other girls disagree. That girl's a regular mini Dorothy Parker.

Kelli watches jealously as Sebastian flirts with Taylor, telling her that he speaks French. (Okay, you finished one Muzzy workbook, Sebastian, let's not go crazy.)

Taylor's one smitten kitten who can't wait to rub her paws through Sebastian's greasy, old-money locks. Kelli and Camille stalk off to go blog about how Sebastian would rather flirt with the hired help than date a woman of quality.

New scene. Jessie and her friend Zoe talk about fashion. Zoe admits to wearing clothes that cost less than twenty dollars, and Jessie tells her it's because she's "so downtown."

Poor Jessie probably can't fathom wearing a tampon that cost less than $20 (well, you try finding a bejeweled tampon made from real Cherokee hair for anything less than that). Jessie's on her way out with P.C. to go to a fashion event and see if she can meet contacts. And by meet contacts, I mean stuff herself up the assholes of the Project Runway losers who are probably the only ones attending this craptastic fashion party. Jessie tells Zoe that she and P.C. are just good friends even though they used to date.

In the limo on the way over, Jessie and P.C. look at their Blackberries. Apparently one of them got a message about P.C.: "Poor P.C., he can charm the skin off a snake but one day he'll get bitten by the creature." You know, as hard as you try to make him out to be Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions, jaded before he's even in his twenties, I know it's a put on. I bet P.C. sits at home in his Pokemon pajamas and plays with his transformers.

At the show, Frau Jessie makes a mental hitlist of all girls who flirt with, look at, or share breathing space with P.C. Then she informs us how she's here to meet people in the business, not socialize with kids their age. She hobnobs with a little troll who made it out from under a bridge to own his own PR firm.

God, can we get a spunky little Anne Hathaway lite to plant a cherry bomb in Anna Wintour's bum, here? Kelli and Camille show up at the event and P.C. double kisses them both (double kissing=kissing on each girl and Camille seems to think that this indicates that P.C. has some serious balls of steel). Camille and Kelli attempt to say hi to Jessie whose vagina grows teeth in rage when P.C. acknowledges the presence of girls who aren't her.

She frowns and goes off to cut a switch. We find out later that P.C. got Kelli's information. Kelli's a little hussy, isn't she? First Sebastian, now P.C.

The next day, P.C. tells Zoe and Jessie about his upcoming Sunday date with Kelli. Jessie seethes and attends to her Blackberry. P.C. tells her that his pet peeve is people texting when talking to the almighty P.C. "Put it on vibrate or something." Ew, please don't, Jessie, at least not until the cameras are off and you can relax in the bubble bath with some Michael Bolton alone.

While shopping for tights, Taylor engages in some girlish chitchat with her mother. Mom asks if she like-likes Sebastian and desperately tries to play Samantha Jones to Taylor's Carrie Bradshaw.
I feel kind of bad because Taylor voiceovers that she'd never take romantic advice from Mommy Fearest, who's divorced and doesn't even have a boyfriend.

Later, Sebastian goes out on a double date (nope, not with Kelli OR Taylor--two new girls!), bringing along his mighty wingman who will take whichever girl he decides is his castoff. These boys are both horrifyingly hair-flippy. Gabe, Sebastian's pale, Clamato drinking friend, tells Sebastian that he should do a hair flip towards whichever girl he decides he wants. As Gabe demonstrates, I restrain the urge to pull a Delilah and make Brillo pads out of both boys' hairdos.

The girls show up. Sebastian wows one of them by showing off the fact that he has all the Muzzy tapes at home. And also, Muzzy pajamas. En francais, he tells the girl that he's going to marry her tonight. I wait for her to lean forward and ask, "Bruno? Is that you?" before attempting to rip off his face mask, flippy hair and all. But no, she's creaming her Vera Wang tights. (What IS it with this guy?! Is he wearing pheromones? Do his Axe soaked follicles really turn on girls?)

Sebastian starts seriously hair flipping in her direction and I'm this close to cutting a bitch. At the end of the date, Sebastian hugs the girl (and Gabe plays Wingman to the girl's friend), but Sebastian reminds the viewer in his voiceover that he couldn't possibly settle down until he's sixty. Slick! (Will you still wheel me, will you still deal me, when I'm 64?)

Next, P.C.'s dinner with Kelli. Kelli brings Camille along on her date, and he can't believe it. This is an odd date, but not as creepy as the time I went out with that BDSM dude who brought along his girlfriend and a list of dungeon scenarios that he wanted to act out with me. P.C., though, is too jaded to turn this into a threesome. I get the feeling that if one of them brought up a lil menage, he'd say something like, "Yeah, you know, it's all been done--really, the only way I can get turned on these days is if gerbils nibble on my nipples while an Asian boy kneels by me as I flip through the pages of the Wall Street Journal. Really, sex is so overdone."

Kelli and Camille probe P.C. about Jessie, and then all three of them talk about what a bitch Jessie is. (Et tu, P.C.-e?") P.C. makes it clear that he and Jessie are no longer an item. Speaking of Jessie, it turns out Camille came along because she wants to know about Operation Smile as part of her community service so she can go to Hah-vahd. (Jessie sits on the board of Operation Smile.) "So if P.C. could help me out with Operation Smile and getting on the board, I think this would really make this dinner very productive." Christ, you want to get into Harvard that bad, can't you just ace your SATs and send them a video of you in a bikini talking about how you feel comfortable using legal jargon in every day life? As for the community service, why not just go de-worm some cute puppies or host a naked car wash.

Later, P.C. sighs about how horrid the food is, how small the portions are, and then wows them with how he ate blowfish the other night. (P.C., you ass, it's one thing to call Jessie a bitch, but "blowfish"? That's harsh.)

To prepare blowfish, you need two years' experience, Camille adds. (Or an assistant who's really good at covering for you when you step out to make out with Mrs. Krappabel.)

Ever charming, P.C. asks the girls how old they are, twelve? They stare at him, telling him how abrasive he's being. (Okay, if it were me, I'd respond, "Yeah, well, pedophile is a big word for a twelve year old.") P.C. voice overs that they're "fucking young bitches" that need to be taken to task.

Having drinks with Jessie later that night, P.C. talks about how dating is so over and how frustrating the scene is. Jessie volunteers to set him up with someone more his speed, some tall, skinny brunette. He quips that he doesn't want to date himself (someone's still trapped in the closet!) and then tells Jessie to set it up, tossing a capped water bottle at her and snapping his fingers at her. (I'm going to add P.C. under Sasha Baron Cohen to my list of people who make Tom Cruise seem adorable.) Jessie flips (god, I really want to see Nina Garcia unleashing her fiery Latina temper and throwing jalepenos and sombreros at Jessie when she interns at Elle) and storms out of the restaurant (presumably with her PDA on vibrate).

Later, P.C. is contrite. He calls up Frau Jessie, saying he's at Columbus Circle and wants to meet up to apologize (Jessie asking him if he's wearing a fanny pack since he's in Tourist Central--oh, Jessie, I think you're late for that Algonquin Round Table meeting!).

Still to come in future episodes: will Taylor and Sebastian make out? Will Camille get on the board of Operation Smile? Will Jessie disembowel Kelli? And will P.C. shave the chin pubes or spring for a Brazilian?

NYC Prep: Meet the Feebs

Sadako gets further away from her BSC roots. (Sorry, but these kids needed a snarking much more than poor put upon Mallory.) This post will introduce the main characters. They include Jessie, P.C., Kelli, Sebastian, Camille, and Taylor. Pay attention, there will be a quiz. And in the next few days, hopefully, I'll put up some recaps of this wonderfully awful show.

Jessie and P.C. kvetch about the hardships of getting into college. Jessie and P.C. have a long history (they've known each other since the sixth grade! back when Jessie was on nose number two, right? and when P.C. was just coming off the assembly line with Bill Gates chanting "My precious" at him). They used to date but now they've got this whole When Harry Met Sally, Mr. Big and Carrie, Andrea and Brandon, will they or won't they vibe going on, except without hip one-liners or fake orgasms.

As the two of them try desperately to channel Sebastian Valmont and Catherine Mertreuil (I get the sense that the required viewing for being on the show included Cruel Intentions, Gossip Girl, Cruel Intentions: the TV show, and Cruel Intentions: the Animated Series), I faintly hear a producer off screen shrieking, "Look more world-weary!" P.C. tells Jessie that if she doesn't get into the school of her choice, she can just have someone pull a few strings. "That's what New York is. Money is power. That's what it is."

P.C. introduces himself to the viewer, saying he was born and raised in New York and lives on the Upper East Side. (God, it's going to get old typing this out--note to self, find a better macro.) "The thing about New York is just, money flows like the wind." Oh, that's who wrote that abysmal Patrick Swayze track for Dirty Dancing.

Now on to Jessie. "I'm Jessie, I'm a senior, I'm seventeen, and I live on the Upper East Side." And I'm the resident bitch. Think Kelly Taylor before she got all saintly. Jessie's all about fashion, has a Barney's personal shopper, and inspires more rage in me than the Anna Wintour knockoff in Devil Wears Prada. Back to the kids. Jessie's on the board of Operation Smile, an organization devoted to getting poor children access to cleft palate surgery. P.C. muses that there are more important things to devote time and money to while Jessie erupts. No, I agree, P.C., there are way better causes.

Like getting this poor cross-eyed girl a Burberry eye patch.

And then holding a fundraiser to investigate the cause of why a seemingly healthy young man is growing pubic hair from his chin. (Does the pube fairy have it in for you?)

Next, Kelli. She wants to be a professional singer.

Well, seems she has the connections of Kelly Osbourne, the dark tresses of Kelly Kapowski, the bland cuteness of Kelly Clarkson, and the voice of a mule undergoing castration. Her parents live most of the time in the Hamptons so Kelli and her eighteen year old brother pretty much live alone in their apartment.

Judging from that grin on your face, when you're very, very good, little sister lets you re-enact Flowers in the Attic? Why so much time in the Hamptons? I'm guessing it's because Mom needs a safe haven for when her breast implants occasionally deflate leaving an oozing mess--who wants to deal with that when you're waiting for a table at Nobu? Cut to Kelli en famille eating Chinese food (they order in every night and have no idea where the cutlery is! they're just that New York!).

I shriek for a moment. "Donatella! I didn't know you were--Oh." Yeah, just Kelli's ma, looking pissed at having to squander another minute with the fruits of her loins. Soon, the parents leave.

Enter: the boy toy! Kelli and her friends nosh in style as Sebastian comes in to join them. The girls cream for him, giggling and telling him he looks like a surfer. (Are surfers even in? I thought it was still pirates, ninjas, robots, and boys wearing eyeliner.)

God, I haven't seen floppy hair get this much love since the days when Shawn Hunter and Eric Matthews ruled ABC. (Oh, I miss those kids.) Sebastian tells us he's sixteen, a sophomore, and lives on the Upper East Side. Really? Because I was going to guess outer Zanzibar. No, don't look confused, that's a joke, kid.

Sebastian tells us he likes to hook up with two to three girls a night and up to sixteen girls a month. To the girls at the table, he says, "Why date one girl when you can, like, hook up with a bunch?" The Costco approach to the fairer sex--I love it! There's some awkward laughter as everyone surreptitiously tries to remember whose water glass was whose and how long herpes lives when exposed to the air. Sebastian and Kelli make eyes at each other and he gives her his digits. Oh, Leisure Suit Sebastian, you go boy.

Next, Camille, who's seventeen, a junior, lives on the Upper West Side, and (I gather) loves a good seance.

Do my ears deceive me?! Cool! Maybe we'll get a mention of Zabar's! (Man, if I only had a bagel right now.) Camille tries to tell us that she's rich but not that rich.

Well, considering that the richer you get, the tackier your decor and/or clothes can get (see my theory on Bill Cosby sweaters), yep, you guys are swimming in it. Where did most of this stuff come from? The Neverland Ranch yard sale? Camille tells us she doesn't want to apologize for having money. Can you apologize for not spending it better?

Camille's the Tracy Flick over-achiever type of the group. We cut to SaraBeth's (so you know you're on the West Side), where Camille's mother puts away her Botox needles and pulls out her cattle prod, and asks about Camille's SAT scores.

In between scones, Camille takes out her Blackberry (because finding out your scores while eating cold pop tarts and fried rice via non wireless means is so lower middle!). She dislocates her jaw telling us she, "didn't do amazingly" but still did pretty well. Camille and ma do their best to put on a good face for the camera, before going on to the issue of community service. As to whether or not she'll take the SATs over again, I can already see Cinda (Camille's mom) dolled up like Kate Winslet in The Reader standing over the Kaplan books screaming, "Schnell."

You know what would make Camille a lot more appealing to a mass audience? If you replaced the text with "I can has purrffct skor?!" And also replaced Camille with a wide eyed Russian blue. Lolcats. Is there anything they can't improve?

Next, we see a shot of an American flag in front of a building and (how gauche!) a yellow school bus. Meet Taylor. She talks to her friends about spring break in front of grey lockers.

Toto, we're not in Groton anymore. Taylor is a fifteen year old sophomore at a New York public school (Stuyvesant, FTR). She voice overs that it's hard to keep up with the private school set. Taylor is the anti-Holden Caulfield, lodged firmly up the ass of the most high ranking crumbums in the private school scene. She tells us that she has some private school kids who think nothing of dropping five c's on lunch or dinner at high priced restaurants and then pay the bill without her having to chip in. Aw, having rich friends rocks.

The token outsider. Something tells me that Taylor will soon be playing the Danielle Staub to Frau Jessie's Caroline. (What? You know you love the Jersey housewives, too.) Or the Paulina Porizkova to Kelli's Tyra Banks. Except Taylor's rather sweet, and I make a mental note to send her a copy of Curtis Sittenfeld's Prep.

So, the quiz.

1. Which character most needs someone to replace their favorite hair product with Nair?

A. Kelli
B. Sebastian
C. Taylor

2. What's Kelli's deal?

A. She's the independent one
B. She's going to be a famous pop singer
C. Her parents want to sell her to the circus

3. What's Jessie's biggest interest?

A. Boning P.C.
B. Fashion
C. Helping ugly poor kids

Meg Cabot's Airhead

Synopsis:

Em Watts (short for Emerson--her parents were expecting a boy) and her best friend Christopher escort her little sister, Frida, to a signing at Stark Megastore by singer Gabriel Luna (or as I like to refer to him, Angel Moon) because Em's mother doesn't want Frida going off by herself. And also because of a little something called Plot Contrivance. Frida's basically a Quinn from Daria wanna-be except perhaps slightly smarter, a soupcon less pretty, and with no Fashion Club. Em, on the other hand, is a whiny feminist wannabe who hates all things teenybopper and thinks that fashion and beauty trends are frivolous and sexist. So the kids head off to the Megastore which is mobbed by girls who want a piece of Ringo--er, Gabriel. Em thinks that Gabriel is surprisingly fine. Then, for no apparent reason, It Girl and Supermodel Nikki Howard walks by. Then a plasma TV lands on Em's head and she's knocked out.

When she wakes up, she's in Nikki Howard's body because Nikki had an aneurysm (result of a congenital problem) at the exact moment that Em died and scientists managed to save Em's brain and put it into Nikki's body. No, really, that is what happened. The good people at Stark Enterprises (who Nikki was working for) arranged for the whole thing. But Em has to honor Nikki's modeling contract and pretend to be Nikki. And everyone except her sister and her parents thinks that Emerson Watts is dead. Including Christopher who Em's kind of sort of in love with. And Em's about to find out that being a supermodel isn't all it's cracked up to be! Yup, that's right--lots of supposedly "smart girl in a hot girl's body" inner turmoil. Think back to Cabot's Princess Diaries except with science! Don't worry--the good people at Stark cooked up a half baked story about Nikki having amnesia to explain her constant George Dubya in the headlights look when anyone mentions highlights or Cosmo.

So, Em spends the rest of the book getting to know Nikki's entourage, modeling, going to a club, and figuring out how to get in good with Christopher. It ends with her making a gesture to him that lets him know who she is (in a sense), and then going to have dinner with her parents. There is indeed a sequel, called Being Nikki, and I'm hoping the sequel contains a sex tape and/or a cameo by Kim Kardashian in print form.

• In chapter one, Em gives a well thought out speech in her Public Speaking class about female versus male video game fans which no one pays any attention to, including her teacher and Christopher. Then Whitney, the class Hot Girl, gets up and gives a speech about how standards of beauty really are fair (basically it's the anti Beauty Myth) and how people who say that they're wrong are really just jealous or fat or whatever. Em sputters and protests and somewhere far away, Andrea Dworkin just exploded in her grave.

• We're supposed to cheer for Em because she's a smart, feminist type. How do we know this? Because she tells us that for cheerleaders to wear halter tops is demeaning and sexist. Why? Because mommy (a womyn's studies professor), Naomi Wolf, and Oprah Winfrey said so. But the girl spends more time gaping over the fact that she woke up with manicured hands than over the fact that she's essentially dead.

• Lulu (Nikki's Nicole Ritchie equivalent) and Brandon Stark (that's Nikki's boyfriend) think that Nikki's in the hospital due to some breakdown because Nikki's handlers are all being very cagey about what really happened. So Lulu and Brandon kidnap Nikki from the hospital and take her home to her loft apartment. Brandon tries to make out with Nikki-Em, she rebuffs him but finds herself oddly turned on. I reach for the Pepto but grab the Ipecac, all business as usual.

• Lulu sort of finds out the truth about Em because Em told her she wasn't really Nikki before signing that pesky little non disclosure agreement. Except Lulu's a bit dense and thinks it might be a spirit transfer thing and that maybe Nikki's soul is floating around somewhere. Lulu's very small, cute, and extremely stupid. Kind of like a lobotomized Olsen twin. (All right, I know, redundancy department of redundancy here I come.)

• Lulu also becomes Em's guru in all things fashion and beauty related. You know, stuff like don't wash your hair everyday (which is a load of BS that some raging anti-corporation hippie fed to a Seventeen creative director who's been propogating it all on us) and when in doubt, exfoliate. It's all very Galinda from Wicked meets She's All That. Lulu also shows Em that any girl can get any guy to fall madly in love with her just by turning on the charm. She shows this off by bending and snapping her way to glory with the delivery guy and then turning him down when he asks her out, while Em gapes.

• If you're wondering if Brandon Stark is any relation to Stark Megastore, then yes. His father owns it. Mr. Stark also gave Nikki her computer--and is monitoring its activity. (Em figured that out.) He's like Richard Branson (you know, Virgin Megastore?) except evil (how can we tell? I don't know, I think he has a goatee or something). He also knows about the unfortunate body switch. Em hates him because Stark Megastore, with its discount prices and loud hip music, shut down a cute little Mom and Pop bodega near her house (and now they can't eat bananas without spots on them). Later in the novel, Mr. Stark shows up at a fashion shoot and Em tries to talk to him but he blows her off and leaves. And...that's pretty much it.

• So, Lulu, Brandon, and Nikki/Em spend the night at the apartment. Next morning, Lulu's beau shows up and it turns out Nikki was having an affair with him. She goes downstairs to talk to him privately. They start to make out and she protests. He responds, "'You know this is what you want'" (and I checked the sarc-o-meter, it was on zero). She responds, "'No...I don't. It's wrong'" all the while thinking, "...he was totally right. I did want it." Yes, rewriting rape pamphlets so that no means yes makes for absolutely stellar escapist writing. You go down that route and you get stuff like, "Her lips said no, but her visible pantyline said yes." (A snippet of Sadako's term paper for Harlequin Romance Novel Writing 101, biyatches!)

• Getting all meta-referential for a minute, Em thinks that this moment is just like one of the romance novels that her sister reads and leaves lying around the house, but in a "totally awesome way." Ew, ew, ew. Though to be honest, I know what all of you who have read romance books are thinking--there's way skeevier stuff out there in the world of bodice-rippers than a little bit of non-consensual making out. And to all of you, I say, yes--Speed Bumps: A Nascar Harlequin Book. (No, I didn't make that up. Google it if you don't believe me.)

• So this make out moment is getting awkward. What to do? Gabriel Luna shows up! And yes, I shudder every time I type out that godforsaken name--just how bad was your real name, kid? Was it Bobby Zimmerman bad or was it Melvin Mengele bad? Mr. Luna (no, that's not any better, is it?) shows up and rescues her by giving her a ride back to the hospital. On his Vespa. Em thinks that he's pretty cute (even though her heart belongs to Christopher). But may I remind you that most men have to have their balls removed to sit on the Vespa? Seriously. They just won't fit otherwise.

• She has no alternative, though, because big stars can't take the subway or else they get mobbed with fans. And in fact, a bunch of schoolgirls mob Em and one of them takes a picture of her/Nikki on the Vespa with Moon Unit or whatever he's called. Later, Em sees this on TV with the announcer wondering if Nikki is two-timing her boyfriend, Brandon and gets genuinely upset, thinking, "Taking photos out of context--that's just ignorant. I would never throw my baby off a balcony cheat on my host body's sort of boyfriend. How ignorant is that?"

• Apparently, now that Em's in Nikki's body, she has to eat different things. Nikki's body hates things that are sugary like cookies and loves things like pretentious seafood from Nobu. It also loves exercise. So Em finds herself eating fewer sundaes and more Wasabi peas. I decided to test that theory out when I snuck into Fashion Week (with a cover of the latest Vogue taped to my face--yes, it worked, people in the fashion industry have no depth perception) at Bryant Park to tempt the runway models. Turns out braised tuna can't hold a candle to sugar doughnuts (though maybe they mistook the snow-white powder for something a little closer to home).

• At the Vanity Fair fashion shoot that she has to do with her/Nikki's boyfriend, Brandon Stark, Em spouts off to everyone that it's misogynist to jump on her boyfriend's back clinging to him because it implies that women are helpless. But she thinks to herself that deep down she really likes it. Oh, Em, and you wondered where the stereotype of the dumb model who thinks parroting the latest thing she read in Cosmo and wearing glasses makes her a Feminist come from.

• Is it wrong that I'd also like to escort Em to a cold dark warehouse, tell her to strip to knee high socks and a dayglo bodysuit and then tell her that it's okay, it's empowering? (Or so it is, according to an interview with an American Apparel model that I read in The Village Voice that was wedged in between two transsexual escort service ads. After all, it takes talent not to shiver and to avoid getting tetanus from the nails on the floor while also arching your back and making eye contact with the camera.)

• Anyway, despite the barrage of hair and make up people telling her what to wear, how to fix her hair, everything she really needs to be...well, a model, Em starts to enjoy the shoot. And surprisingly, the fact that she's essentially dead doesn't bother her anymore! I guess a Vanity Fair spread makes up for it. Okay, okay, if I got to do a Vanity Fair spread, I suppose I'd feel a little better about being legally dead. But only because I'm assuming I'd get to meet Dominick Dunne and ask him if he's planning a book on Phil Spector's trial. And also get Maureen Orth's autograph.

• Later that night, Em goes with her friends to a club called Cave where Justin hits on her some more. She throws her drink (which is actually just water) at him, and when he realizes she's not drinking booze, she responds that she doesn't do alcohol or other people's boyfriends and storms off with the strains of "Got to Be Real" playing in her wake. Then she tries to prevent Brandon from getting into a fight with a DJ, he grabs her and carries her outside, and they get into a limo and are photographed by the 'razzis. Well, since there isn't actually a paragraph where Em compares herself to Princess Diana, that's something.

• Em on modeling at her second shoot: "How can anyone concentrate on looking beautiful when all that is going on around them and inside their head, as well?" [Readers, anyone want to start up the Send Meg Cabot's Copyeditor the Box Set of Schoolhouse Rock Grammar Tapes Fund?] "Modeling isn't easy...You have to act like you're actually enjoying yourself when the truth is, every single inch of you is hurting and uncomfortable...most of all your heart." I'd feel more sympathy for Em if she were more worried about being legally dead. Why is her heart hurting? Because people saw her boyfriend Brandon Stark carry her out of a club last night and they think she was drunk when she wasn't. I'm the last one to be sympathetic to models, but I think that "Having to shimmy into a pair of tight mom-jeans while reciting some drivel about the gene code all in one take, and also pretending I'm cool with the sickest stage mom since Mama Rose selling my virginity to the highest bidder" beats that. Shine on, Brooke Shields!

• Also, somewhere you just know that Tyra Banks' handlers are groaning as she pipes up with, "Well, Emerson, when I was fifteen, I got this really intense weave that made me feel like I was in another body, and I had to deal with the fact that three guys were into me and one of them owned a boat but another one was a Saint Bernard breeder, but then Yves Saint-Laurent met me at a go-see, and girl, you know, I dealt with it, and he told me how great I looked, and I signed another contract that very day. What were you saying again?"

• If you're wondering if Nikki has an obnoxious toy dog, then yes, yes, she does. If you're wondering if said dog has shot itself in the head yet, no. No, it hasn't. (They have to save something for the sequel, am I right?)

• Because Em wants to go back to her old school (as Nikki Howard, of course) she gets to take revenge on Whitney, the hot girl at school who was mean to her. When she's in Nikki's body, Whitney can't get enough of her--she passes her notes and wants to be BFFs. As Nikki, Em acts aloof but overall is pretty nice to Whitney (for example, the words, "Whitney, you ignorant slut!" never pass her lips). On my rating scale for frumpy or put-upon girls who takes revenge on enemies/frenemies/rich bitches (Carrie being a ten, Janis Ian's revenge on Regina George being a one), this is a negative eighteen. I had to watch Heathers eighty-seven times in a row to get the taste of this failure out of my mouth--and no, Christian Slater had nothing to do with it. Not even a little. (Incidentally, I rate Winona Ryder's revenge there as an eight which is quite good.)
  

• We never really get that many details on what Nikki Howard looks like, other than she's really hot and has sapphire colored eyes that don't need to be photoshopped in pictures--they're that good. Since she's mobbed by schoolgirls in that one scene, I'm going to assume she looks like this:

• Em makes it very clear that Nikki Howard's body is the one reacting to the making out with floppy haired collar poppers. And later, Lulu says she knows about Nikki and Justin and is fine with it because she's just not that into Justin, plus she knows what Nikki is like ("'It's like you're powerless over kissing'"). Putting the Feminazi cap on my head, I gotta say, I love that Em is only allowed to like kissing and feel arousal because she's in some hussy's body. Y'know, because nice girls only kiss boys they like. And when they're doing it, they lay back and think of England or Stark Enterprises.

• Em as Nikki tries to get her guy, Christopher, to like her by going to the computer lab and asking for computer help, and then by telling him she likes Journeyquest, a computer game that Christopher and Em used to play together. He seems sort of interested but doesn't take the bait. Aww, let's send Em-Nikki to the nearest Bi Mon Sci Fi Con and see all the creeps in Wookie regalia mack on her because...OMG, hot girl who loves computer games. Aaaand, somewhere, some D&D themed undies just got splattered with cum. And somewhere all the slightly plump, Converse sneakers wearing vaguely cute girlfriends of guys dedicating their lives to WoW just died a little inside.

• In the end, Em/Nikki hands Christopher a sheet of glow in the dark dinosaur stickers. This is a reference to first chapter of the book with that Public Speaking class speech. To get everyone's attention, she mentions that underneath her clothes, she's wearing a pair of shorts like Lara Croft's, only hers are flame retardant and covered in glow in the dark dinosaur stickers. (No, it doesn't work.) When her speech is done, she asks Christopher if he was listening and he mentions that her speech had something to do with dinosaur stickers. So this scene where Em hands him the dino stickers is all very Charles Foster Kane murmuring "Rosebud." Except that I totally forgot about the dinosaur thing and so I had no idea what had just happened until I went back to reread the first chapter. So either I need me some Adderall or Em really is that boring.

I do have to say, the escapist thrill of reading this book passed me by. And I'm not sure why because usually I like ordinary/unattractive girl turns hot (see the hundreds of Gypsy references on this blog, including one in this entry). But this left me cold. I think it's because it's not like the main character got any real sense of self confidence or a cute makeover. They just stuck her brain in someone else's body and a little part of me keeps screaming "I don't WANT to look just like Number 12!" I guess I'm feeling a bit cheated out of that montage (MONTAAAAGE!) of the perfect hair cut being found (you know, two or three bizarre looking ones, then something perfect) and the right make up and Stacy and Clinton throwing out your old clothes and giving you some new hot stuff.

BSC #65: Stacey's Big Crush

Brief Synopsis:

Stacey's fallen for yet another older man. (I make a mental note to tell her mother to get her into therapy now because at the rate she's going, she's going to bring home a mummified Michael Douglas by the time she's in college.) This one's 22 year old Wesley Ellenburg, a student at Stoneybrook Community College's master program (I know...either the best community college in the country or the worst masters program) who's going to be teaching Mr. Zizmore's math class for three weeks. He's really sexy and Stacey falls for him, helping him organize papers after class a couple of times and fantasizing a LOT (t-t-t-teacher's gonna show her how to get an A!). After she writes him a poem and makes an ass out of herself at the school dance, he lets her down and she's heartbroken. And there's a babysitting subplot involving a baby goat!

• The tagline on the book cover reads: "He's smart. He's handsome. He's 22!" Why am I imagining Jessi saying that to Stacey a la Matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof? (Because they don't let you into Stoneybrook unless you know every song from that musical, including how to do the bottle dance.)

• Stacey thinks that Wesley Ellenburg is a weird name. But then she thinks to herself that when she first heard her math teacher would be Mr. Zizmore, she thought of someone who had too many zits. Like Zit-More. Funny, that's the same thing I thought of when I was riding the subway one day and first saw this guy:

Please, please, PLEASE tell me that Lerangis (this book's ghostwriter) got the idea from this. Every single time I ride the subway, I think of this guy, and I have for years, and I've wanted to tell someone, and I just have to let it out. Lerangis, are you a patient of Dr. Z? You can tell me, I promise I won't laugh. Much.

• Stacey walks into class one morning and thinks Tom Cruise is standing in her classroom and nearly swoons. And I, rereading, also swoon with anticipation because maybe instead of a chapter about math, we'll get a chapter where Tom yells at Brooke Shields for taking psychiatric drugs and hands out free copies of Battlefield Earth (hey, I don't just snark chick lit). But it turns out that the hottie in the classroom is really Wes.

• Now that Stacey's seen Wes, she thinks that Wesley Ellenburg is a noble name. Wesley reminds her of Wesleyan where her dad went to college. (Ooh. Opportunity to make a joke about Stacey having dad issues. No, wait. Too easy.) And Ellenburg makes her think of an old Victorian town. 'Cause the only thing sexier than an old timey colonial town is an old timey Victorian town. But I know why Lerangis put that in--I get the feeling that nothing gets Ann M.'s juices flowing so much as references to old timey things. (Well. That and tea cosy collections.)

• Wes tells the kids to call him Wes. Way to reach out to the rebels without causes, futures, or taste. What next, are you going to sit in a backward chair while talking about how much you love current music, and wear sneakers with a suit and tie? Then Wes says, "'This is something I've always wanted to do. Teaching, I mean--not sweating nervously.'" After that, the girls are practically standing in their desks (no, NOT hurling undergarments--screaming, "O Captain! My Captain!" you pervs). Finally, when one of the class clowns, Irv, puts on a fake accent and pretends not to be able to understand a concept, Wes goes, "'South of France...And not too bad. Can you do German?'" And then the boys are also on their desks. (No, this time they are hurling undergarments. What? He is a Tom Cruise look alike!)

• Stacey takes special pains doing her math homework for Wes. They're word problems and she write out the answers in full sentences. She even puts some jokes in so he won't think she's a total nerd. Yeah, Stacey, no one who manages to make math jokes could possibly be considered nerdy. (Somewhere, Randall Munroe is deciding whether or not to track you down, rip up your little math jokes, and co-opt them for himself.)

• After one class, Wes looks overwhelmed by the paperwork on Mr. Z's desk. Stacey commiserates, and then Wes smiles all charming-like and asks Stacey to stay and help him organize and she's ecstatic. Then Ted Bundy pulled up looking all puppy doggish and Stacey melted and said, okay, she'd help him hide all the heads that have been accumulating in his apartment, but only if he gives her a ride to the next BSC meeting.

• Actually, Stacey is a teensy bit disappointed that old Kotter didn't ask her for anything beyond just staying and helping out. "One step at a time. Let it build. First paper-sorting, then maybe a walk home, then a date for lunch at the mall. Then Acapulco." Cool, then maybe then you introduce him to your friends, you go for a few dates at the Rosebud Cafe, who knows? Few years down the line and you can come visit him at Sing Sing every weekend after the weekly brunch where you, Villi and the other brainwashed statutory rape victims out there petition the state to release your lovers.
  

• The second time round, Wes apparently needs help because Mr. Kingbridge wants Wes's W4 form and he doesn't know where it is. Stacey stays behind to help him yet again. (The fuck? Where the hell is she going to help him find the W4? Down his pants?) Actually, she helps tabulate the grades of the other kids in the class (their names are covered, but can anyone say, inappropriate?) Stacey also learns Wes's social security number and his birthday. Okay, Wes, this sounds like a really great plan. Next let's go throw a tea party and invite Jodie Foster and specify that her plus one is John Hinckley. Honestly, the minute I start teaching How to Avoid Your Stalker 101, Mr. Ellenburg is my first student. (It's a great class. Both I Shot Andy Warhol and Eminem's Stan are on the syllabus--how pop culturally relevant can you get?)

• Stacey thinks that Wes prefers dresses to pants and resolves to wear skirts to school when she has class with him. She also mentally celebrates Wes and her "one week anniversary" after the first week of his student teaching is up. Okay, instead of more snark, can you just picture me doing the Sideshow Bob shudder every time Stacey says or does something boneheaded or stupid? Please? Oh, fine, back to snark.

• The girls seriously talk about the age difference and how much it'll affect the relationship when Stacey's, say, out of college and Wes is...I don't know, shopping for Life Alert. For someone so utterly wholesome, Ann M. Martin is really good at coming up with scenarios that most men usually get on the Internet.

• Stacey mentions that she has a brief fantasy where she and Wes are Heidi and Peter in the Alps. (I'd say that Ann and Lerangis are officially out of touch with the thirteen year old psyche except that I had actual fantasies of a graphic nature involving the protagonists of The Shining and Rosemary's Baby.) Besides, I bet Stacey's not the only BSC member having that kind of fantasy. I bet Jessi is, too, only it's Heidi and Seal at a white trash wedding. Though thinking of Heidi Klum made me rethink my mockery of Stacey. Maybe I'm wrong. Can't lederhosen be sexy?

No. No, it can't. Now I'm off to scrub my brain clean and go fantasize about Captain Von Trapp some more.

• Stacey writes Wes a poem. Oh, the poem. The second stanza reads: "But Fortune moves in strangest ways/It lengthens night, it shortens days./May this night end, and day begin/And bring two young people back again." (Note: the original words in the last verse were, "And bring two lovers back again.") I have a feeling that this poem is the most frightening thing in the world for a male teacher to read from one of his students. Or, well, it would be if Wes were an English teacher and had to explain that "begin" and "again" don't technically rhyme. And this reminds me of my brief but memorable stint at helping underprivileged kids in Harlem back when I was in college. (Yeah...turns out? Photocopying 12 year old girls' love poems to Jay-Z and writing a MSTK line by line snarkmentary of it in the teachers' lounge? Not cool.)
  

• After reading the poem, Wes looks freaked. He starts to shake and cough just like that old man in that book by Nabakov and heads out, mumbling that he has to go read up on the McMartin case go to a staff meeting. Aww. I'd like to take a minute here to say that when I was younger, I felt that way about a teacher, too, and I gave him a poem, only I didn't write it--I copied (as in photocopied) a poem from the library, and it was Sylvia Plath's Daddy, and I got yelled at for plagiarizing such a weird poem and was sent to the counselor's office. Well, as I said, I'd like to say that happened--it would make a great ice breaker at dinner parties.
  

• Charlotte Johanssen has a crush on a boy, too. She tells him how she feels and then he starts following her around, bugging the crap out of her. Stacey sympathizes but thinks to herself that some girls have all the luck, since she isn't getting anywhere with Wes. And you know who else really has all the luck? Jodie Foster's character in The Accused, Ned Beatty in Deliverance, and Indiana Jones in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I hereby nominate Stacey to be a rape counselor when she gets to high school (hey, if Brenda "Kelly, you ignorant slut" Walsh could, sort of, do it, so can Stacey).
  

• At the dance, Wes is chaperoning. Stacey asks him to dance, and he accepts. Turns out he's a great dancer--"His moves were natural but not super smooth. He had great rhythm but no fancy footwork." Yeah, yeah, he's got Ben Vereen's grace, but in the body of Brad Pitt, and he craps rainbows that taste like ice cream but won't send you into diabetic shock--we get it. Then he asks her for another dance. (Ugh.)
  

• After, Wes wants to sit out the next dance and Stacey says, "'But the next dance might not be so...slow.'" Okay, and that line totally trumps, "Benjamin...will you unzip my dress" in my list of cringe-worthy come ons. Especially since that last one did work. (What? She got her dress unzipped!)

• Then Stacey feels bad because Maverick tells her he's less into the Charlie Blackwood type and more into Goose...or, um, you know, that he doesn't like-like her. But according to Wes, she's a, "'brilliant, talented, attractive girl'" and it's not that he doesn't like her but she's way too young. Oh, Wes, you may be great at breaking up with girls, and I bet back in college (you know, your two year college with a Master's program?), you've got a whole slew of girls whom you've dumped carefully but who still hang around you hoping you'll bestow them the honor of a booty call at a later date, but you really suck at making your boundaries clear to your sort of students. How about not going all Hungry Eyes with girls who have sent you love poems, for starters?

• Sam, Stacey's sort of kind of boyfriend, had asked Stacey to the (middle school) dance because he heard about it from Kristy and thought it would be fun. She told him no, saying that she was already going with another guy ('cause what if Wes asks her to dance!). After Wes lets her down, she sees Sam at the dance with another girl. (I'll remind the reader that Sam is 15 and in high school.) Is there an excised scene where Sam goes speed dating at Stoneybrook's maternity ward?

• I like to imagine there's a touching little scene at the end, reminiscent of one of my favorite TV episodes of all time, where Stacey's walking away and Wes hands her a little note and says this is all she needs to know if she feels bad about herself. And she opens it and it says, "You are Stacey McGill" "Temporary Restraining Order."

• The subplot involves little Elvira. She's a baby goat that lives on a farm (owned by the Stones) in Stoneybrook. (I love that one minute Stoneybrook's a vibrant metropolis with a community dance program that according to Jessi is practically off Broadway, and the next minute we're humming Green Acres and wondering if we accidentally butchered Arnold.) Mr. and Mrs. Stone go out of town for three weeks and leave their pet kid with Mary Anne and Dawn. It's a lot more entertaining than when Dawn's relatives left their daughter Amy. Plus there's a lot more details about Elvira getting loose, eating garbage, and then vomiting it up. (Since this book was written post Jessi and the Awful Secret, I kept waiting for there to be some kind of intervention and a note at the end from Ann M. telling us about how bad bulimia is. But no dice.)

• Speaking of the note from Ann at the end (you know, the note that's always about some experience she had that relates to the book), I was aching to see who it was that Ann was crushing on. Y'know, Lucy or Ethel? Ginger or Mary Anne? Jan or Marcia Marcia Marcia? But no, she just wrote about how she used to teach elementary school and that inspired her to go into children's book publishing and write books for kids.

Ye gods, this was one icky book to reread, and I say that as someone who's read both Teletubbie BDSM themed erotica and Full House slash.