NYC Prep Episode 3: What Happens in Cancun...

I know a lot of you were hoping for more book recaps. They are still to come! Next week, I promise, I promise!

In which some producer who has a hard on for Blackstone Group decides to get revenge by editing the episode so that P.C. looks gayer 'n Christmas. For those not in the know, Blackstone Group founder Peter Peterson is P.C.'s grandfather. And no, I don't know why these people can't come up with more than one name. It's a WASP thing.

Speaking of Christmas, it's time for winter break. P.C., Zoe, and Jessie discuss their plans glumly, in the tone of people who have been there, done there, gotten the Polaroids back, but can't do anything as provincial as stay home and decorate Christmas chias for their break. P.C.'s going to Cancun with an achin' in his heart. Jessie's going to Palm Beach with an old friend and an unrequited crush on her man, P.C., (and, I hope, a vibrator). Zoe's going skiing.

Camille and Taylor are staying in the city over the break. They shop for chocolate together while Camille counsels Taylor on the boy situation (Sebastian or Cole? Herpes or the clap?). Taylor asks about Kelli and Sebastian. Camille says Sebastian brought the Duchess cupcakes but "I don't know if that's indicative of, like, I love you." Oh, honey, we're not the Rockefellers--put those $20 SAT words back on the shelf. Taylor says she likes both boys. Camille channels Catherine "Cecile, everybody does it--it's just that nobody talks about it!" Mertreuil and says that she, Kelly, Sebastian and Cole should all go out together. "Secret society!" chants Taylor.

Actually, she just gives Camille her best, "Bitch you be tripping" look and giggles while making a mental note to instruct the producer not to script any more scenes with her and Camille.

Winter, the Hamptons. Kelli's vacation. I'll remind the viewer that Kelli and her 18 year old brother live in Manhattan pretty much on their own, as their parents spend most of the time in the Hamptons, only coming on weekends. Kelli introduces us to the madwoman in the attic, her sister, Chelsea, who has cerebral palsy and lives in the Hamptons full-time, lest she intrude upon Kelli and her brother's re-creations of The Dreamers back in the city. Kelli says that sometimes she forgets that her parents aren't her peers. She regales them with a story of how one night she fell asleep to American Gangster and woke up to the soft-core porn on the TV.

Her brother laughs nervously and reminds himself to stock up on more NyQuil when he and Kelli get back.

Donatella frowns disapprovingly and tries to pretend that being a good mother for four weekends a month and having the largest tanning bed allowable in the state of New York makes up for letting the fruits of her loin run rampant the rest of the time. And Kelli's dad does something, but he's so absolutely boring, I'm not even going to comment.

As Sebastian comes to visit, they play pool. Why is she sporting those godawful boots indoors? Is she getting a kickback from Jimmy Choo himself? He asks her about her holidays and she explains about the eight days of Hanukkah and eating Chinese food on Christmas while I hum I'm a Jew On Christmas.

In Cancun, J.P., Sebastian's friend who lives in Mexico, picks him up from the airport. He tells a story about the time he was drunk and half naked in P.C.'s bed when his mom came into the bedroom and got upset, and it's all very Mick Jagger and David Bowie together with Angie Bowie walking in on them, except there's no Marianne Faithfull with a Mars Bar up her junk to allay the suspicion of homosexuality. P.C. tells us he knows no actual Mexicans in Manhattan, save the delivery men and that when people find out he's visiting a Mexican (J.P.) they assume he's hanging out with a short brown guy. (Really, do the producers just sit up at night writing the most horrible, stereotyped dialogue they can think of and then feed it to P.C.? Because that's more comforting that the idea that he actually thinks of them himself.)

Palm Beach. Jessie protests to her friend Kim (too much) that she and P.C. are not a thing. Then she calls him and reaches voicemail.

Back to Cancun. The first in a long line of women P.C. will turn down shows up. P.C. refuses to dance with a hot girl who probably thought that taking Samba lessons from the Butabi brothers was a good deal. As she dances at him, P.C. tells her he'll break a bottle over her face.

She gets up in his grill while J.P. tries to smooth things over by ordering shots. In his defense, P.C. was just rehearsing a scene--he's playing Blanche DuBois in Dwight's staging of Oh! A Streetcar as directed by Llewlyn Sinclair.

Later, the guys chill at the beach.

P.C. tells us that he and J.P. have been friends so long, "I guess that's a 'bromance' or whatever.'" As they sit on the beach, some girls come over. J.P. tells the girls that P.C.'s bi, and then flirts shamelessly with the girls as P.C. makes puppy dog eyes at him. In the distance, gay boys everywhere add P.C. to their wank fodder and Peter Peterson, Sr. starts revising his will.

Next, Kelli tells us about a death in the family. Their dog, Lily, passed on. (Turns out the doggie acupuncture just didn't help.)

Lily, Kelli tells us, was like a brother or a sister to her. I wonder if her real siblings sent her hate mail after this aired. But then again, Lily was better than Kelli's actual brother or sister because she never humped Kelli's leg and even though she peed on the floor and sometimes had spasms, she'd never prevent Kelli from getting into Avalon.

Camille meets with a stylist to help her clean out her wardrobe. (Yeah, you know, when I was that age, "cleaning out my wardrobe" consisted off my mom taking away my most ragged items off in the night while I screamed in rage.) Hitha, a professional stylist, steps into Camille's room, looking like a colorblind child's Raggedy Ann doll. Her objective? Trying to be the ethnic Stacy London by telling Camille that all her clothes must go, go, GO!

She shoots withering glances at Camille, telling her how this pattern is from two seasons ago and how Camille's last New Year's Eve dress was "hoochie mama" and how this t-shirt isn't Camille's style. Since not a single garment has "I'm a whiny trust fund baby" appliqued onto an argyle background, technically nothing is her style.

Doggie Funeral Time. Chelsea's the one in the wheelchair. I make a mental note of the fact that while she's clearly not cool enough to have family dinner time in Manhattan, she is allowed to go to such family events as dog funerals. (The real question: will she be there when they have the intervention for Donatella's plastic surgery addiction?)

Kelli yells at her parents for crying, saying they'll make her start crying and won't say a few words at the faux-funeral. I could be a lot more sympathetic to her crying over her hideous old dog, except that every time I change the channel to CNN, I see Paris Jackson crying over her dad as she publicly makes a statement, while Marlon and Janet adjust the microphone and make sure the light is perfect (speak out, Paris!). How many Grammys did YOUR dog win, Kelli?

Back to Cancun. Then some girls wander over to P.C. and throw themselves at him (or, you know, into the line of view of the camera) and he eyerolls like a mother when he finds out they're from Texas. They ask if he's from Kansas.

No, when I said I'd go slumming, I meant I'd go into H&M and try on five dollar flip flops as a joke, not talk to people from the Midwest. He's clearly going for cool, trendy New Yorker, but here he's channeling less a Gossip Girl extra and more Michael Kors going apeshit on PR when Kenley trots out yet another fifties knock off garment.

The Texans go off to dance and invite him go come to while he tries to refrain from vomiting. He voice overs to us, "I mean, the girls were from Texas." And they deigned to make eye contact with you? Later he yells at J.P. for leaving him in the same traumatized tone of voice as the freaked out kids in Jurassic Park when the lawyer abandoned them to run to the can. J.P. says he has to teach P.C. some manners and they affectionately rough house as P.C. longs for the boarding school days when J.P. would take out his rage at losing a polo match on P.C.'s smooth and tender ass. And for the record, these kids suck at analogies because no one has pointed out the obvious--that PC : J.P. :: Jessie : P.C.

Home from Cancun, the pubed wonder holds a stuffed Care Bear and asks if it's a gay pride bear. "Didn't I...used to hump it?" he asks.

Whoever edited this episode could not possibly hate you more, P.C. P.C. assures Frau Jessie that he didn't associate with any tawdry females when in Mexico. After all, they were all lepers and Texans, shudder. Then Jessie transparently tells P.C. that her friend Kim thinks that she and P.C. like each other and isn't that stupid? P.C. voice overs that anything's possible, that he and Jessie could end up dating one day, because who knows, he could even marry a chimp. Aloud he imagines them married, and says that she'd be a real bitch pregnant. No, for her to get pregnant, you'd need a muzzle for that vagina.

At Frederick's, Sebastian has lunch with his dad, a sad, middle-aged, balding man in a cardigan who could be a stand-in for the Steve Buscemi character in Ghost World. Dad wants to know the latest in Sebastian's chain of fools. Sebastian looks uncomfortable, and Sadako sympathizes and wishes she'd brought sunglasses because the glare off that forehead--yowza.

Presumably Dad can't even attract the lowest tier of aspiring models in the city, and has to live on through his floppy haired son, so he's anxious to know what's going on in Sebastian's life. "You met the German exchange student," Sebastian says. "I did, yes," replies Dad. By which you mean, "Yes, I did pay for her abortion and got her the fuck back to Dresden." More awkward conversation. Some talk of Taylor. More hairflipping on Sebastian's part as Dad looks on in a jealous rage and Sadako sings Blinded by the liiight, an ode to Jeff's receding hairline. Can I just say that you'd better enjoy the hair flipping now, Sebastian, because each one could be your last.

Taylor preps for her gymnastics meet. Her boyfriend, Cole, shows up and tries to get the skinny on this Sebastian creep. Taylor does really well. But I'm just waiting for the Evil Gymnast Coach to point out that Taylor could do so much better if she just dropped five pounds. But maybe I've been watching too much LifeTime.

Kevin tries to wipe the drool from his mouth as he sees the poses Winnie's able to contort herself into. Mmm, gumby legs.

After the meet he takes her out. Taylor points out to the viewer that with Sebastian, she had to order salad with no dressing because she's vegan, but at the restaraunt Cole takes her to, she can order anything from wonton soup to faux-fu.

We end on Cole telling Taylor he was blind to let her go and now that he's seen her in Sebastian's arms, he wants her back. So...Cole or Sebastian? Dawson or Pacey? Viper or Nelson? Or will she pull a (Kelly) Taylor and choose herself?