Thursday, January 28, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Jurassic Park

My newest feature (movies in a minute)!

Scene 1
"Welcome to Jurassic Park. I've invited several honored guests. Dr. Grant, the paleontologist. Legs Sattler, the lady paleontologist--"

Ellie Sattler: "Actually, I'm a paleobotanist--

John Hammond: "Quiet, Legs. Dr. Ian Malcolm, the comic relief. Donald Gennaro, the evil corporate lawyer. Oh, and two young children for no real reason. Well, on with the tour!"

Steven Spielberg: "Before we begin, do you think we could foreshadow the fact that raptors are dangerous and are going to cause a lot of carnage and destruction?"

Robert Muldoon: "SHOOT HER!"

Steven Spielberg: "Hmm, a little more?"

Alan Grant: "John, you half mad half insane eccentric--you breed raptors on this island?!"

Steven Spielberg: "A little more?"

Robert Muldoon: "Destroy all raptors!"

Scene 2

John Hammond: "What do you think of my park?"

Alan Grant: "Nature gooood. Science baaaaaaaaad."

Ian Malcolm: "Science baaaaad. Lawyers worse."

Scene 3.

John Hammond: "Well, on with the tour!"

Donald Gennaro: "I think I'll make it easier on everyone and get myself eaten soon. You don't want to watch me parade around in my Bermuda shorts for the rest of the movie, do you?"

T-Rex: "ROAR!"

Alan Grant: "DON'T MOVE. Spielberg can't make us do another sequel if we don't move."

Joe Johnston: "No, but I can."

Scene 4

Robert Muldoon: "Not another dinosaur chase. Dammit, someone, do something."

Ian Malcolm: "I could come up with another snappy and topical line about the Pirates of the Carribean."

Ellie Sattler: "I could try taking off my anorak and hiking up my khaki shorts."

Ian Malcolm: "Let's get scared and lean against the stick."

Ellie Sattler: "Ooh, good idea."

Robert Muldoon: "Wake me when it's time for me to become an internet meme."

Scene 5.

Ellie Sattler: "You know what I hate? When the guy you're dating runs off into dino land and doesn't call and your back up guy won't even hit on you to boost your ego. Just because you're mauled and on morphine you don't have to be rude."

John Hammond: "Tell me about it! Chunky Monkey or Fossil Fuel?"

Ellie: "Ooh, got any Chubby Hubby?"

John Hammond: "Man. Creating a theme park with dinosaurs on an island in the middle of nowhere with no fence protection except electricity and then sending away 95% of my workers on the first weekend we open it to guests. How could it have gone wrong?!"

Scene 6.

John Hammond: "People are dying!"

John Arnold: "Hold onto your butts. Well, time to go restart the system manually."

John Arnold: "Oh, the generator is conveniently located on the other side of the raptor exhibit. I'll go restart it. I'm a minority male with minimal character development, and the same first name as one of the main characters, and I don't even get to carry a walkie talkie. I'm sure this will end well."

Five minutes later.

Ellie Sattler: "He didn't come back. Let's try it again, except instead of sending Mr. Arnold, we'll send me!"

John Hammond: "You can't go restart the system. You're a dame and I'm a fella, and..."

Ellie: "No, I'm a pretty white female in a Spielberg movie. I'm the daughter of Bruce Dern, plus I've got top billing and I think Samuel L. Jackson just bit the dust, and I know Stephen prefers to space out the gore. I'll be fine. Girl power! Hey, what's wrong, Muldoon?"

Robert Muldoon: "You go on ahead. I' something to take care of."

Robert Muldoon: "Clever girl...Oh, the nadir of my career."

Scene 7.

Alan Grant: "Oh no, the doors won't lock without computers! Only fatties and little girly girls like computers. Try to reach the guns, Ellie!""

Ellie Sattler: "If I can contort myself a little more while leaning against the door...I off my calves."

Lex: "This is Unix, I know this. I can do what a chainsmoking Samuel L. Jackson couldn't. Title IX, bitches!"

Tim: "Go, Lex, go!"

Alan Grant: "Uh, kid, can you stop cheering on Lara Croft on for a minute and hand us the gun so we can blast some dino ass?"

Steven Spielberg: "Noooooo! Lucas, turn it into a walkie talkie, quick."


George Lucas: "Right, boss."

Alan Grant: "I've decided not to endorse your park."

John Hammond: "But you endorsed all of my brother's documentaries! Even the ones without cute animals! Why does everyone think he's more relevant than I am?!"

Steven Spielberg: "Shut up--I came THIS close to killing off your character. If it weren't for your sense of childlike wonderment, you'd be raptor meat."

John Hammond: "This is because E.T. lost to Gandhi, isn't it?"

Steven Spielberg: "Off the record? Yes."