Thursday, February 25, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Dirty Dancing

And it's the latest installment of Movies in a Minute. Oh, the nostalgia. The weird but sweet combination of eighties and early 60s music. And shirtless Swayze. Begin!

Baby: "That was the summer of 1963 - when everybody called me Baby, and it didn't occur to me to mind. Before President Kennedy was shot. Before I called Latoya for the name of the guy who did her rhinoplasty."

Johnny: "I'm a poor boy who dances."

Baby: "Want!"

Penny: "I'm a poor girl who dances."

Baby: "Ooh, pretty romantic dancing girl who ran away from home, forsaking family and obligations, all for her craft."

Penny: "The condescension. It burns. *Sob.*"

Baby: "What's wrong, Penny?"

Billy: "She's in trouble, Baby."

Baby: "I don't understand."

Johnny: "She's knocked up."

Baby: "I'm a sheltered Jewish girl whose doctor father described menstruation as a gift from the pixies. Can you be any clearer?"

Penny: "Bun in the oven! In the family way! Eating for two! On stork watch?! But don't worry, I'll take care of it."

Baby: "Take care of..."

Johnny: "Shmabortion, Baby, okay? Don't say the a-word--we can't turn a movie about me taking my shirt off into Citizen Ruth, all right?"

Robbie: "Hi, I'm Robbie. I knocked up Penny. You can tell I'm bad news because of my swarthy features and the fact that I read Ayn Rand."

Billy: "Johnny! It's all taken care of. Baby got us the money. But the guy who's going to go pick up Penny's fetus so it can go live on a farm is coming to town the exact date and time that you and Penny had a dance gig at a resort clear across town."

Johnny: "Well, I guess the cute spunky but sheltered JAP will have to be my dance partner."

Baby: "Me? Why me?"

Johnny: "Because everyone else has to work, and a film about a nice Jewish girl helping shiksas procure shmabortions at a mountain resort would be a pretty piss poor coming of age story."

Baby: "But won't it take weeks and weeks of training before I'm ever as good as you or Penny?"

Johnny: "Nah. All we need is...

Trey, Matt, and Johnny: "A montage!"

Eric Carmen: "I feel the magic between you and I..."

Sadako: "Between you and ME! You and ME. Okay, that's it. Say you and I again. Say it, motherfucker, I dare you!"

Johnny: "Kid, ya done good."

Billy: "Johnny! Johnny!"

Johnny: "What is it? Is it Penny? Did she fall down the well?"

Billy: "That's...pretty much the only way we can put it without making this movie unwatchable for the preteen girl set, yeah."

Baby: "I know! Daddy! Help!"

Dr. Houseman: "What's wrong, honey? Did they decline your card at Saks again?"

Baby: "Penny's in trouble."

Dr. Houseman: "Stay away from my daughter. Stay away...forever! And as for you, Baby, your dead mother is probably rolling around in her grave at the sight of you."

Baby: "Mom's not dead."

Dr. Houseman: "Don't mess with the Jewish guilt."

Johnny: "Mmmm, integrity. Break out the body double, the K-Y, and the Ben E. King, and let's bump uglies, Baby."

Rob Reiner: "I'm Rob Reiner, and this moment's just been Reinered. That's right. I took Stand By Me for my picture. Ben E. King's locked up in a windowless cell with River Pheonix and WIll Wheaton. You can have Solomon Burke, though."

Robbie: "Because this movie hasn't had much in the way of antagonists, here I am! Well, it looks like I picked the wrong sister. That's okay, Baby, I went slummin' too."

Johnny: "Why you--

Robbie: "Feel the wrath of Ayn Rand, bitches! Now I'm going to break Baby's older sister's heart!"

Blow Monkeys: "You don't own me, don't say I can't go with other boys."

Lesley Gore: "Unfucking believable. You guys let Eric Carmen and Patrick Swayze sing and yet you covered the song that I made famous? I'm out of here. Could I get some more pictures of Jennifer and Cynthia in their underwear for the road?"

Max Kellerman: "I'm Max Kellerman, and I own this place. I can't stay silent any longer! Time to oppress the poor working man. Johnny, you're fired for stealing money!"

Baby: "No! He couldn't have stolen. He was with me last night. The whole night."

Dr. Houseman: "The whole--the WHOLE night? And he's not a doctor or a lawyer? He's not even an accountant? Is there any non Jew at Kellerman's who hasn't slept with my daughter?! To Pandateria with you, wench!"

Johnny: "Thanks, Baby. But I done screwed a customer, and that's bad for business, so I'm out on my ear."

Baby: "So I did it for nothing. I hurt my family, you lost your job anyway, I did it for nothing!"

Johnny: "That's not true, Baby. You embarked on a summer of self discovery. You'll have a great story about sleeping with the help when the Mount Holyoke girls try to rib you for being too prissy. And years from now you can brag about being pro choice before Roe v. Wade made it cool. Well. Goodbye, forever."

Baby: "Sob."

Johnny: "There's ten minutes left in the film, and I'm back to dance while channeling the Man in Black for no real reason at all."

Max Kellerman: "I'm going to allow this."

Johnny: "Time for the literal and metaphorical lift that celebrates you becoming a woman!"

Bill Medley: "Now, I've...had...the time of my liiiife--for God's sake. From being a Righteous Brother to being mistaken for Rick Astley?"

Mrs. Houseman: "She gets it from me."

Dr. Houseman: "From you? Please. I'm Billy fucking Flynn."

Mrs. Houseman: "Okay, honey. You want me to let you hold my Tony on the way home?"

Sidenote: I really wonder why Baby never told her father that Robbie got Penny pregnant. Then again, wouldn't it have robbed the movie of about 35% of its drama?