Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Further installment of Movies in a Minute. Full disclosure--I did indeed love this movie, and still do. For those of you asking the inevitable, "How did you feel about the remake," I say...What remake? Tim Burton went straight from stuffing Helena Bonham Carter into an ape suit to stuffing her into Hot Topic wear. On with the snark!

Cue the orgasmic chocolate infused opening credits which has prompted more bulimia binges than any other film in history. (Yup, I've counted.)

Shopkeeper: "Come on, kids, Sammy Davis is busy sitting shiva for his dying career. Let's rip off Candy Man so I don't actually have to do any real exposition about Willy Wonka. Free candy!"

Shopkeeper: "Oh, not for you, spunky, destitute child. Sorry, Charlie, I only hand out free snacks to kids who can already afford it."

Cute sideburned little boy: "Willy Wonka's giving out five tickets hidden inside chocolate bars! You gotta buy Wonka Bars! Go, capitalist enterprise, go!"

Bedridden Grandparents: "Happy birthday, Charlie!"

Charlie: "I wish for working plumbing, a Beatles lunchbox, and a Golden Ticket."

Grandma Josephine: "We knitted you a scarf."

Charlie: "Gee, thanks, Grandma. It smells like you only dropped it in the bedpan once this time. Why can't I get a golden ticket, too?"

Mrs. Bucket: "Don't worry. You'll get your turn. Cheer up, Charlie..."

Sadako: "It's Cheer up, Charlie! The poorest excuse for a musical performance since Kanye and his autotuner hit up Sea World! Come on, guys, let's all go to the lobby."

Charlie: "I got a golden ticket!"


Slugworth: "Boy. If you give me one of Wonka's top secret ideas, you get all the money you want. Think about it. A bicycle. A big house. All the food you can eat. Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number."

Charlie: "I got a golden ticket! I wish you could go, too, Grandpa Joe."

Grandpa George: "Uh...kid? You know, I'm sitting right here. Thanks. Way to make me feel like the zaftig girl at the Playdude Mansion."

Grandpa Joe: "Screw atrophy! I'm going to to the Chocolate Factory! Suck it, Grandpa George--you can accompany him to the Glue Factory next month when the cable bill comes in."

Mrs. Bucket: "Dad? Where was all this energy when I brought home your Wal-Mart greeter vest?"


Willy Wonka: "Welcome to my factory, fat German, loud mouthed American, spoiled only child, TV addled brat, and good hearted welfare kid. This is where chocolate isn't made, it's created from the glint of wonder in a child's eye, from a baby's first peal of delighted laughter. Please sign away your right to sue before we begin."

Willy Wonka: "Those are the Oompa Loompas. They lived in a sad little land where they had to romp around all day with no responsibilities, their hands idle all day. But I took them here and rescued them from a lifetime free of cares. Aren't they wonderful? Just try to avoid using the words workers compensation or minimum wage in earshot of an Oompa Loompa."


American Apparel CEO Dov Charney: "I can learn so much from you. The exploitation masked as charity. The non existent wages. The color scheme and fashion sense..."

Augustus: "Chocolate! Nom...nom...nom."

Willy Wonka: "Stop, please. You're polluting my chocolate! You're--oh, good. Away with you. Someone throw him a hairnet, please."

Charlie: "What about Augustus?"

Willy Wonka. "Oh, come on, don't look so sad. No one wanted to sit next to Fats Goebbels over here. Everyone on board. Time for the screening of Un Wonka Andalou."


Kevin Smith: "Why is the FAT KID the one who was 86ed first? Before even getting to see the Factory? To Twitter! And why is the punishment for the gum chewer that she has to blow up like Kirstie Alley after a bad Thetan reading? Wait till Kate Harding hears about this."



Willy Wonka: "I'm going to give you kids who haven't passed background checks or even signed nondisclosure agreements each one everlasting gobstopper. Now don't sell them on the black market. Pinky swear!"

Grandpa Joe: "Ooh, fizzy lifting drink! Come on, Charlie, this'll make up for my permanently revoked driver's license."

Charlie: "Grandpa! We're not stopping! Mr. Wonka? I'd like to come down now..."

Grandpa Joe: "No, Charlie. It's okay. Being really, really gassy will help us descend! Now it's Grandpa's turn to shine. Turns out your mom skimping on the prunes and Malox so we could make that payment on the TV was a great idea."

Veruca: "I want it NOW!"

Sadako: "Heh. That's what SHE said. OK, no more Office reruns for me."


Willy Wonka: "Goodbye, British Nellie Oleson."

Mike Teavee: "Look at me! I'm the first kid to be sent through television! I'm famous! I've got so many opportunities! Little People, Big World! The Incredible Shrinking Boy! Stallone's body double! All those roles Mickey Rooney's not cute enough for anymore!"


Kevin Smith: "And why is the skinny toothpick kid the one who gets to be on TV? Mike Teavee sets an unrealistic standard for couch potatoes everywhere, you know. Not all of us were sticking our fingers down our throat while watching episodes of Batman!"

Willy Wonka: "Thank you...and GOOD DAY!"

Grandpa: "Slugworth is going to get his gobstopper. Come on, Charlie."

Charlie: "No, Grandpa. We can't steal from a corporation! That's like accidentally taking a pen home from the bank! Next you'll be saying we should remove the tag from the gigantic urine soaked mattress you sleep on."

Willy Wonka: "Charlie...Charlie, you've won! Sorry, Charlie. In my spare time I like to set up impossible ethical dilemmas to tempt impoverished children. But you passed!"

Charlie: "You mean--

Willy Wonka: "Yup. You, too, can grow up to be the Howard Hughes of Chocalatiers!"

Grandpa: "Yippie!"

Willy Wonka: "You see, I wanted to make sure a child inherited the factory. A child who was pure of heart and good. A grown up wouldn't be any good. He'd want to do everything his own way--he'd offer the Oompa Loompas benefits and overtime wages, and then where would my carefully stockpiled fortune be?"

Charlie: "I love you, Mr. Wonka."

Willy Wonka: "Quiet, you. Mel Brooks finally called back. Goodbye, children's films, hello paycheck."

Sidenote. If binge eating, gum chewing, and watching too much TV are cardinal sins, Roald Dahl should stay away from: sorority houses, people trying to quit smoking, and the public school system.