Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Movies in a Minute: The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Solomon: "..."

Claire: "Michael, help!"

Michael: "Emma, you stay here and pause the HMS Pinafore, and I'll see if Mommy's okay. Claire?"

Claire: "It's a black man in a hoodie!"

Michael: "No, it's okay, hon. He's a magical Negro with mental problems but a heart of gold. He's here to build us a literal and metaphorical picket fence for our house."

Claire: "Well, since I'm pregnant, time for my OB/GYN appointment with a new doctor. Doc, what are you doing? I didn't think a pelvic exam was customary after the third month of pregnancy."

Dr. Mott: "No, you're the 100th patient so you get a free one. Nurse, you can leave us alone now."

Claire: "I didn't think it was customary to remove the rubber glove before a pelvic exam."

Dr. Mott: "It's a new technique. All the rage in New York."

Sadako: "Are you sure you don't want to make it even clearer to the audience that you're a perv by using spit instead of KY?"

Michael: "Claire, if what you say is true, we've got to report this guy."

Mrs. Mott: "Well?"

Lawyers: "Sorry, ma'am. Because your husband committed suicide, there's no insurance and because the estate's going to be sued, it's been frozen. No money for you!"

Director: "Let's give Dr. Mott's disturbed wife a stillbirth with hysterectomy to emphasize her loss of womanhood."

Sadako: "I'm starting to realize why Blockbuster shelved this movie under gynecology fetish films."

Mrs. Mott/Peyton Flanders: "Well. I'll take victim blaming for a thousand, Alex. New plan. Move in on the Bartels and take revenge."

Claire: "Michael, are you sure we need a nanny for the new baby? I mean, we've only got two kids and I am a stay at home mom."

Michael: "Go with it, honey. We can afford it, and it's a plot device."

Peyton: "Hello. I'm Trusty McInnocent. Er, I mean, Peyton Flanders. I don't have much experience and my only reference moved away but I've got round blue eyes and soft skin and capped teeth."

Emma: "I like her, Mommy!"

Claire: "You're hired. This is my baby son Joey and our young aspiring Mara Wilson stand in daughter, Emma. Peyton, you can live in this tiny basement room under the stairs."

Harry Potter: "Kind of reminds me at my room chez Dursley, only lonelier and more oppressive."

Peyton: "Where's the baby? Now to breastfeed him from my very own breasts. Phase one of the revenge!"

Sadako: "Diabolical. I'm pretty sure that was the deformed guy in Hannibal's original plan, too, before he came up with the being eaten alive by pigs thing."

Marlene: "Token high powered bitchy friend here. Hiring an attractive woman in a power position? Bad move."

Sadako: "Yeah, it's not nearly as smart as getting knocked up by man child Hugh Grant."

Peyton: "Don't you think Solomon's kind of creepy? No? Just me? Well, time for operation panty drop."

Michael: "Solomon, we found our daughter's underwear in your cart, so I'm afraid you're going to have to leave."

Sadako: "But without this job, how will he afford the flowers for Algernon?"

Claire: "Michael, don't you think it's a little weird that all this stuff''s been happening since we hired Peyton. You know, the baby gaining weight but not nursing properly, the proposal we worked on getting lost, me thinking that you were cheating on me with Marlene, Solomon turning out to be Chester the Molester?"

Michael: "Now that you mention it, it is weird that the proposal got lost."

Marlene: "Ugh. What's that awful noise? Windchimes? As a high powered working woman, nothing offends me more. Unless it's the laugh of a baby or a suit free of shoulder pads."

Claire: "Oh, Peyton gave those windchimes to us. For the baby's room."

Peyton: "I think it gives the house that little extra bit of hominess, doncha think?"

Marlene: "Well, back to being a high powered real estate agent. Hmm. The Mott house. What the--windchimes? That bitch. I've got to investigate. Cancel my morning appointments."

Underling: "What should I tell them?"

Marlene: "Fuck should I know--use that Harvard degree for something. Tell them I've got to get some more catty bitch practice in. Aha! Peyton is Molestery Dr. Mott's deranged wife! Now, to call Claire's home, be extra bitchy to Peyton to tip her off, and then storm over to their house knowing that the evil nanny is the only one at home."

Sadako: "Admit it, Marlene. You weren't even a little surprised when you died in the greenhouse, were you?"

Marlene: "I was more surprised when I lived through that freak stego attack, to be honest."

Peyton: "Hi, handsome. Now that Claire's in the hospital with that freak asthma attack, it looks like we're alone. Turn on the Gilbert and Sullivan and let's get busy."

Michael: "There's only one woman for me."

Sadako: "And if he was going to choose a half mad, half insane hottie, he's Team Bunny Boiler."

Claire: "Michael. I just found out that Peyton used to be married to creepy Dr. Mott."

Michael: "Peyton, we'll escort you downstairs while you clean out your cubby under the stairs."

Claire: "Well, let's get going--"

Michael: "Help! It's Peyton! She smashed my best of Gilbert and Sullivan! Oh, and she's in the house and she pushed me down the stairs, and now she's wandering around with a fireplace poker and a crazed look in her eyes."

Peyton: "Emma? Joey? Where are you?!"

Jack Torrance: "Use an axe, Peyton Flanders!"

Sadako: "Well, if we're going to channel the Shining, my guess is that the homely wife and precocious child will be saved by a magical negro who continues to protect his family in the face of scoldings, in a way that even Old Yeller found demeaning."

Solomon: "Get away from the little white kids. There's some mixed race kids down the street for your homicidal mommy urges."

Claire: "Get away from them, Peyton!"

Peyton: "When your husband makes love to you, it's my face he sees. When your baby's hungry, it's my breast that feeds him. When the PTA needs brownies for the bake sale, it's my dynamic interpretation of Sara Lee that satiates them!"

Claire: "No! Ah. I think she's dead."

Sadako: "Michael Myers dead or Bambi's mom dead?"

Claire: "Oh, Solomon, Emma, are you guys okay?"

Solomon: "I d-didn't mean to h-hurt the baby. I know I'm not supposed t-to handle him."

Claire: "That's okay, Solomon. You saved the day. As compensation for your hard work and for being wrongfully accused, you get to carry baby Joey downstairs."

Solomon: "Oh boy."

Sadako: "Magical negro. Dysfunctional families, don't invite a psycho into your house without it."