Monday, July 12, 2010

Project Runway Season Five in a Minute

Welcome to Project Runway.

Jerrell: "Yeah, I'm gonna win this! I'm a black gay man from Middle America. I've had to overcome adversity and a cliched hard knock backstory."

Korto: "I can taste Bryant Park. I've worked all my life. I came from Liberia and sewed till my fingers bled."

Blayne: "I prepared by watching two straight weeks of Christian Siriano and all his catchphrases and quirky mannerisms. Blaynelicious is going to Fashion Weekalicious!"

Harvey Weinstein: "Writers? Let's make things more entertaining. Think back to the unconventional fabrics at Gristedes challenge from Season One."

Writers: "So...we're running the Gristedes challenge again? We're all in agreement?"

Suede: "I think this challenge will be really--oh, crap. Can we start over? Suede thinks this challenge will be really great. We're going to edit out all of my first person sentences in post, right?"

Harvey Weinstein: "Hmm. It's been fun but let's torture them a little. Olympic challenge! Let's make them relive the hateful gym classes that sent them running to drama and glee club."

Tim Gunn: "Designers. Does anyone know where we are?"

Leanne: "Sarah Jessica's gym? Are we designing for Sarah Jessica?"

Jerell: "The ninth circle of Hell? Is it an Inferno themed challenge?"

Tim Gunn: "Tada--here's Apolo Ohno, five time Olympic winner. Two of them gold. For those of you with blank stares, that's like designing a red carpet dress for Meryl Streep and Joan Rivers not saying one mean thing about it. You guys will be designing an outfit for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics."

Blayne: "Oh no! My tan's fading and along with it my personality and whole reason for being selected for this show."

Tim: "Kenley, rather than enduring your constant whinging at us, we've arranged for a white board and a series of images for you to point at when you want to communicate. Here's a picture of a Vargas girl in converse sneakers for when you want to indicate your aesthetic. And here's a picture of your father's tugboat."

Nina: "Kiss of death time. Daniel, I question your taste level."

Daniel: "I have impeccable taste."

Kenley: "Bwahahaha."

Daniel: "What's so funny? Stop it! Stop laughing! Last night when we mocked all the other designers over Appletinis you said I was your adorable little gay male accessory!"

Chris March: "Drag queen time!"

Tim: "Blayne, can I be honest? It looks like a pterodactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park."

Michael Kors: "Tim, are you dipping into my material?"

Hedda Lettuce: "It looks kind of godzilla. And where are my sleeves, little tailor boy?"

Suede: "Suede didn't like how you called him lazy for not making sleeves, Hedda Lettuce. Suede thought it was whack-a-doo. It makes Suede sad. Suede hopes that after he gets kicked off for having no talent, Suede can parlay his personality into a permanent Top Model position or his own Bravo show. Suede."

Hedda Lettuce: "Third person boy, you really think you can out-drama me? Boy, I brought more drama into the room when I was working for unfinished pina coladas at Tuesday night Bitchy Bingo."

Tim Gunn: "Time to design out of what you can find in a Saturn. And remember designers, buy Saturn. I mean, be innovative."

Suede: "You know, this challenge reminds Suede of my dad's godfather's brother who passed away a few years ago and who Suede met twice, and whose car Suede thought about buying. It's giving Suede a little bit of sadness, but it's also really vamping him up to win this."

Tim: "Kenley, your model Shannon got a job where she's paid in real cash instead of defective Sacajewas, so you'll be using Genieveve."

Kenley: "Ugh. My old model Shannon was completely different. She was a 34-25-32 and Genieveve's a 35-25-33. What a flabby mess."

Keith: "The garment's really delicate, so please don't do anything to destroy it. Go to hair and makeup and be careful."

Model: "I'm really sorry but when the makeup artist stuck a mascara wand in my eye, I breathed and the skirt ripped."

Keith: "You're a fucking model. Why can't you follow simple instructions?"

Tim Gunn: "Remember, the judges thought you were too biker chic, Stella. Let's remember that even Joan Jett wore a dress once for five minutes in the 80s."

Stella: "Rachel Zoe? I'm supposed to take advice from that stylist in a tacky mumu? That wasn't even made from leathuh?"

Tim Gunn: "Just kidding, Rachel Zoe! If you're watching, don't stop mentioning us on your show!"

Bob Weinstein: "I think we plugged Mood enough. Just kidding. We need to plug them more. Let's hide someone's bag and then show another shot of them talking about their Mood bag and going back."

Tim Gunn: "Kenley, how are we doing?"

Kenley: "I'm really stressed out. I need my tuuuu-ulllle!"

Harvey Weinstein: "Kenley, do you think you could hold up your Mood bag, wink at the camera, and say, I'm so not in the MOOD to deal with this? Kenley? Kenley?"

Heidi: "Kenley, I think this just looks strange. And these scales. It's all very unheimliche. Not elegant."

Kenley: "I wasn't going for elegant, Heidi, I'm going for hipster chic!"

Michael: "I don't like where your model is going, Korto. It's beauty pageant trashy. We expected an evening dashiki with lots of big jangly ethnic earrings, and we got what we were hoping Kayne would give us in season three."

Heidi: "Kenley, you had a cute aesthetic, but converse sneakers, tacky print, and a flower are kind of dull. Plus, you neglected to hold up your models' breasts, and that's a cardinal sin. You are out. Korto, we liked your work but we want to keep you around in case we do an All Stars Edition, so we're going with Leanne. Leanne, you are the winner of Project Runway Season 5: the Character Edition."