Monday, July 26, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Pretty Woman

Roy Orbison: "Really? ...really?"

Vivian: "Hi-diddle-dee, a hooker's life for me!"

Edward: "Excuse me. Do you know where Beverly Hills is?"

Vivian: "You know, I'm not just a common street whore. I have the car sense of Mona Lisa Vito, the screwball comedic timing of Susan Vance, and the personality of Sailor Moon, minus several IQ points. And I get checked out at the free clinic and I use condoms, and I make $100 an hour."

Edward: "Not bad. I'd like to hire you. To stay with me. For the night. How much do you charge?"

Vivian: "Um...$300."

Sadako: "And the accounting abilities of a Jersey Real Housewife."

Edward: "What's that in your hand? Is it--is it drugs?"

Vivian: "No, it's dental floss!"

Sadako: "This version of a hooker and her john can't get any more sugar coated unless a cartoon bird alights on Viv's safety pinned bra strap."

Director Garry Marshall: "Remember the kind of sort of statutory rape in my sister Penny's movie Big? The jumping on the bed, staring at the stars, and sleeping in bunk beds thing makes it seem sweet instead of creepy. That was all me!"

Edward: "Well, let's get to the reason you're here. What do you do?"

Vivian: "Everything. Snuggling, cuddling, nuzzling, spooning--that's big and little spooning. For a really wild time, I'll play Scattegories while we watch old movies. No kissing, though, gross!"

Edward's Lawyer, Stuckey: "Edward, about this meeting we have with the guy whose company you're trying to take over--"

Edward: "Well, I know everything about this guy's financials, I've got a sheet of his assets, and I think I'm really prepared."

Stuckey: "Screw that. Do you have a date to the meeting?"

Edward: "Uh. I do now. Vivian, I'm an emotionally crippled manchild who can't cope with women on my own level. We live in an age where shoulder padded power bitches are the only females around. So, for three thousand dollars, Vivian, will you be my date for the next week? And if not, do you have any partially lobotomized friends you could recommend for the position?"

Vivian: "Holy shit! You're joking?"

Edward: "I never make jokes about money. Or gerbils. I'm also going to give you carte blanche to buy whatever dresses you want for all the occasions we're going to this week. Wake up, Viv, time to shop!"

Vivian: "Outfits!"

Garry Marshall: "Gotta give the gals in the audience something to aspire to."

Sadako: "Pretty Woman: the female version of Wall Street."

Vivian: "Hey lady? You know when you were snooty to me when I walked in here wearing an outfit that even a self esteem challenged teenaged Hot Topic customer would pass up?"

Snooty woman: "Yes?"

Vivian: "You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Huge. Now I'm going to go spend even more cash on a Barbie dream house at one of your competitor's stores."

Hotel manager: "I see someone's been shopping."

Vivian: "But I don't know how to act at a fancy restaurant! Help!"

Hotel manager: "Okay. This is the salad fork, sip your wine instead of chugging it, oh, and the precipitation in Spain falls primarily on the flat regions."

Vivian: "Okay. When the waiter brings us the crayons, should I draw smiley faces on the place mat or hearts?"

Edward: "How do you like your first polo match, Vivian?"

Sadako: "I'm starting to think that Pretty Woman is to prostitution as Aladdin is to forced marriage in Arab culture."

Stuckey: "Hey, babe. You, me, a few poppers, and a copy of Fanny Hill. Is it a date?"

Vivian: "Edward, why did your lawyer hit on me?"

Sadako: "He doesn't date outside the profession?"

Vivian: "You told all your friends what I do for a living? How dare you make me feel like a prostitute!"

Edward: "I never once treated you like a prostitute. You were definitely courtesan level. Geisha at worst."

Vivian: "I love you."

Edward: "I had a great time this week. So I was thinking, I'll put you up in an apartment, buy you a car, the works."

Vivian: "No! In the pop up fairy tale books my coke addled roommate and I read at night, there's a prince and a dragon, but the prince never says, 'Hey babe, I'll put you up in a condo!'"

Edward: "Co-op, then?"

Kit: "Ooh, you should go for it."

Vivian: "Name one girl that this has ever worked out for. I want names."

Kit: "Okay. Cinder-fuckin-rella!"

Sadako: "I see your Cinderella and raise you Fantine, Zola's Nana, and La Traviata's Vio-goddammed-letta."

Edward: "Hm. Maybe I should take a break from falling in love with love to do a little business. I'm not taking over your company, Mr. Morse. The love of a good woman has redeemed me. Let's invest in Lisa Frank stickers and manufacture love and optimism."

Stuckey: "Fuck it. I'm going to express my frustration at not being able to violate a failing company by violating a plucky young prostitute."

Edward: "Get out of here, Stuckey! See, Viv? I did the 90s equivalent of slaying a dragon: I got rid of an overweight, balding, cheap cashmere sweater buying lawyer."

Vivian: "It's not enough. A few weeks ago, it would have been, but I've been introduced to so much more. Rodeo Drive. Designer sweaters for lap dogs. Running water. Oh, and love. Sorry."

Edward: "You can have it all, Vivian, really! Off I climb to the top of the fire escape to be your Prince Charming!"

Sadako: "And to eradicate all the work Taxi Driver did unromanticizing streetwalking and also set Sasha Grey's career in motion."