Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Hook

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Steven Spielberg: "What if Peter Pan grew up? And instead of flying about all day--got a corporate job? And married Wendy's granddaughter and had two point five kids and a picket fence? And forgot about the wonderment of the child deep inside him?"

Michael Jackson: "Mr. Spielberg, I think I'm perfect for the role. There's still a child inside me!"

Spielberg: "No, Michael, I didn't mean literally."

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Jack: "Dad, you're coming to my baseball game, right?"

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Peter: "Of course not, son. I'm a corporate lawyer. In the Spielberg hierarchy of evil, I rank somewhere between a Libyan terrorist and a conflicted Nazi."

All: "Granny Wendy!"

Wendy: "Welcome home. You remember crazy old Tootles of course. He was my very first orphan, and I've kept him around for posterity, like a CEO with their first dollar. So, Peter, what have you done with your life? Discovered a new use for pixie dust, have you?"

Jack: "Dad has a law degree and works for a big corporation."

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Wendy: "Peter...you've become gainfully employed?"

Peter: "The kids are gone?!"

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Tinker Bell: "Come on! Let's save your kids. Captain Hook's introduced a plot twist and we gotta go!"

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Hook: "Peter Pan? Is it really you? No, Smee, who is this codfish?"

Sadako: "Virginal, insecure Benjamin Braddock, is that really you?"

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Tinker Bell: "Come on, give him a chance! Give me a week to turn him back into the old Peter Pan."

Hook: "Three days."

Sadako: "Oh, come on, you know a full day of that will be spent on the back wax alone."

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Rufio: "I'm Rufio. I'm in charge here. I fill Spielberg's minority Asian quotient and remind him of Shorty from Temple of Doom."

Spielberg: "Okay, time for a Peter Banning to Peter Pan montage!"

Sadako: "In order to turn him into Peter Pan, he has to do calisthenics, get verbally abused by Rufio, then subsist off imaginary food?"

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Jillian Michaels, of The Biggest Loser: "There's so much I can learn from this."

Hook: "I've got an idea. I'll make Pan's brats love me! There he'll be, ready to fight me, and his kids will be cheering me on. Hurrah for irony!"

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Sadako: "Oh, like that's hard. Jack's got more daddy issues than Asia Argento and Erik Menendez combined."

Peter: "My happy thought! Jack! Oh, and the girl child, too."

Rufio: "You can fly. You can fight. You can do a decent impression of Rooster from Annie. You are the Pan!"

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Tinker Bell: "Oh my. I'm big for no apparent reason. Peter. I want to give you a kiss. No. A real kiss."

Spielberg: "Hey, Lucas. Check out my new addition to the script. You know the Disney Peter Pan movie? Did you ever think Tinkerbell was hot? Like when she'd flit around in that tiny leaf dress?"

George Lucas: "What? No. No!"

Spielberg: "Me neither. I was just asking."

Lucas: "Dude, you totally thought she was hot!"

Spielberg: "Shut up. SHUT UP! It was the new script writer I hired! OK, Julia, get off him, he's leaving to go find his kids."

Rufio: *stabbed, dying* "That coffee mug didn't lie. You really are a #1 Dad." *dies*

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Jillian Michaels: "Goodnight, sweet prince. May flocks of dexedrine addled flabbies screech you to your rest."

Peter: "Okay, Hook. You or me this time."

Hook: "I have you, Peter. This is all just a dream. When you wake up, you'll be Peter Banning who drinks too much and sits around his law office trying to patent the destruction of childhood innocence and joy."

Children: "I believe in you, Peter Pan!"

Peter: "Take that, Hook! Nothing trumps the wide-eyed wonderment of a child! Except for maybe the wide-eyed wonderment of an alien child."

Hook: "Ah! Please, let me up."

Peter: "Okay."

Hook: *swipe*

Peter: "No! Okay, Hook. I'm going to finish you off once and for all."

Hook: "Please, Peter. Let me leave with my dignity intact."

Jack: "Come on, Dad, let's go home."

Maggie: "Yeah, Daddy, he's just a mean old man without a mommy."

Peter: "Well, okay. Never come back to Neverland again."

Hook: "NOT!"

Sadako: "Spielberg? Please, let's end this. This is just a strange movie in need of a Razzie. Come on, let's go home and you can finish your rewrite of Billy and the Cloneasaurus."

Peter: "Well, before I go, time to choose someone to take over. You. Token fat black kid."

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Pockets: "Me?!"

Spielberg: "My work with transforming Alice Walker's The Color Purple to the big screen has sensitized me to the plight of the minority. Plus, seeing the fat black kid roll down the gang plank to knock pirates over was my most hilarious gag since the time I coined the phrase penis breath."

Peter: "I'm back! And I'm going to quit my job and burn my law school diploma and then firebomb the bar association!"

Sadako: "Plus you can always go back to your more honorable job, driving hopeful boarding students to suicide."

Tootles: "Pixie dust!" *flies away* "Carpe diem!"

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All: "Oh, that's our Tootles."

Sadako: "Er, anyone wanna call him back? Or at least pixie dust up some Oops I Crapped My Pants for him?"