Movies in a Minute: The Lost World: Jurassic Park II

Before the film started, I decided to do things a little differently. I wanted to see if I could predict who would die. But of course, I've seen this movie about a thousand times. So I turned to my stuffed toys (or plush companions as they prefer to be called) to see if anything of me had rubbed off on them.

My three main animals are Feetington Bear, Rosie the Riveting Alligator, and Sir Tuskie the Elephant.

Sadako: "Who's the first victim of the death panel? How about Ian Malcolm, chaotician?"

Tuskie: "No, he's the main character."

Sadako: "I've schooled you well. Sarah Harding, lady paleontologist?"

Feetington Bear: "A spunky cute redhead? In her little safari jacket, looking like the Christiane Amanpour of paleontologists? Not even if she were part lady Hitler."

Sadako: "Nick Van Owen, Greenpeace activist and onetime PETA member?"

Rosie: "No way. He's the sexy frat pack equivalent of the Lorax."

Sadako: "Eddie Carr, your company's computer guy?"

Rosie: "Three to one against him making it out in one piece. If he had enough hair for a combover, I'd say two to one."

Tuskie: "No way Spielberg lets the George Costanza of the group survive."

Sadako: "Kelly Malcolm, Ian's daughter?"

Beat. Pause.

All: "BWAHAHAHAHA...You're joking, right?"

Sadako: "Okay, okay. So how about the people working for INGEN?"

Tuskie: "How about we make this quicker and compile a list of the ones who DON'T die?"

Sadako: "Roland Tembo, big game hunter, hired by INGEN to organize the dinosaur recapture?"

Tuskie: "The Andrew Jackson of dinosaurs? I think the question is how horribly does he die."

Feetington Bear: "No, Roland's a noble hunter. He may be a bad guy technically but he's a potential Boba Fett. And the producers are not making the same mistake killing him off they did with Robert Muldoon. He'll live to fight another day, possibly voiced by Tim Curry in an animated spin off on Fox."

Sadako: "Ajay, Roland's Indian companion?"

Tuskie: "Never gonna make it. He's the dark skinned equivalent of a Redshirt."

Sadako: "Peter Ludlow, head of InGen?"

Feetington Bear: "He's a corporate head and a Bob Balaban doppleganger! Deader than Donald 'Anal Stage' Gennaro, Esquire in the first one."

So, with our bets taken, we settled in.

John Hammond: "I'm a conservationist now. I've sent your beloved paleontologist girlfriend off to Isla Sorna to scout all the lovely dinosaurs. And I knew you'd go after her. Isn't that delightful?"

Ian: "You're lucky you're so damned cute."

John: "You'd better hurry. My nephew Peter Ludlow, the new head of InGen, is planning on making a tacky dinosaur amusement park. And he won't even give me half an acre for my performing fleas. Go and stop him. And at least get me a cut of the profits if you can't."

Kelly: "Dad, can I go with you, Dad? Dad?"

Ian Malcolm: "No! Now go away until I feel like parenting. Sarah? SARAH?"

Nick Van Owen: "Sarah Harding?"

Ian: "How many Sarahs do you think are on this island?"

Cera: "Does anyone know how to get to the Great Valley?"

Sarah: "Don't leave anything on this island! Cigarette butts, candy bar wrappers, resentment of Mother Earth--

Sarah: " ...Aww, cute! I think my uterus just skipped a beat. Oops, the camera's out of control--I can't fix it because my ovaries are in the way..."

Baby: "Halp! Mom! She's trying to steal my soul!"

Sadako: "Stegosaurus fight!"

Ian: "Shoot them!"

Eddie Carr: "They're only protecting their baby!"

Ian: "So am I!"

Sarah: "Uh, my first name ain't baby. It's Sarah. Dr. Harding, if you're nasty, and--

Sarah: "Help, I need guns and tampons and chauvinism and some Cherry Garcia!"

Feminism: "Could someone loan me a pair of crutches?"

Sarah: "Anyway, as I was saying, we're here to observe, not interact. Anything we do could have lasting reprecussions. Not even a single candy wrapper can sully the island."

Sadako: "Where does pulling a dino baby Lindberg stunt fall into that?"

Kelly: "Uh, hi, Daddy. I sort of stowed aboard."

Ian: "I'm not mad at you, Kelly. I'm FURIOUS."

Sarah: "She's a woman, Ian, not a child. I'm so tired of you treating us women like we're brainless, hysterical little damsels in distress. Anyway, Ian, this is really your own fault. You filled our heads with stories of this place. Did you really think we had the self control to stay away? Sorry, I love you but I don't need you right now. I'm off to finish my dissertation on baby dinosaurs."

Peter Ludlow: "We're here to take the dinosaurs."

Dieter Stark: "Look at it. It's like he's not even afraid."

Hippie Beardo: "They've got no reason to fear man."

Dieter: *taser* "They do now."

Sadako: "Dieter? This is a Spielberg film and you just 86ed an animal. You do know your chances of making it out alive are less than your chances were of actually getting Steve Buscemi through that woodchipper back in North Dakota, yes?"

Roland: "I've set up base camp. You can keep my fee, you corporate wanker. All I want is the right to hunt the Rex. The male one. The buck."

Sadako: "Oh, Roland, ever heard of sexual dimorphism? I'll spell it out: species where the male is little and the female is big. Or the animal world equivalent of the parents of Phil and Lil on Rugrats. Sadly, you're still the least sexist character in this damned movie."

Roland: "Look, Ajay. The Rex young. With offspring that young, the parents won't leave him alone that long. We can use the baby to get him where we want him to go."

Sarah: "Or her. Female Rexes are just as worthy of capture!"

Rex Baby: "HALP!"

Kelly: "Dad, why are they hurting the dinosaurs like that?"

Ian: "The world is a cruel place."

Sadako: "Yes, yes, it's all very Trail of Tears. Now quiet, I want to hear more about the dino amusement park."

Nick: "John Hammond did send a back up plan. Me."

Sarah: "So...you have a plan."

Nick: "Star in as many crappy features as possible until Will Ferrell realizes I'm the greatest thing since Spam in a Can. Oh, and free the dinosaurs that they penned up!"

Nick: "Well, we've destroyed all of INGEN's evil corporate radios and phones by unleashing a dinosaur stampede. But we've still got the expensive trailers we came with to dispense with. Time for operation save cute baby! Come on, baby Rex."

Sarah: "Oh, come here, you. Let's fix that leg."

Sadako: "Nick. The bad news? This isn't going to end well. The good news is that if you make it out of here alive, the good people at Whale Wars have a mid level stinky butter hurling position to offer you."

Ian: "Why does no one listen to me?"

Rex: "Give us the baby. No one gets hurt."

Ian: "That should make an interesting chapter in your book."

Sarah: "I think the debate over the parental instincts of the T-Rex is now academic. Now, the only question is what to put on the cover. Baby Long Neck or Baby Three Horn?"

Rex: "...Psych. We're back. A dinosaur's story of revenge. Come on, honey, help me push the RVs over the side."

All: "HALP!"

Eddie Carr: "Eddie to the rescue!"

Spielberg: "Great. Rexes, start yanking him apart."

Eddie: "Wait, wait. I operated according to the rules of the Spielberg-a-verse. I saved the heroes. I allied with the Greenpeace guys. I don't have a law degree. I didn't steal embryos, and I didn't shoot the cute herbivorous stegs when they were attacking Sarah Harding because they were just defending their baby. I didn't even fantasize about Sarah in nothing but a smile and a flak jacket."

Spielberg: "You saw the first film, you balding, overweight tech geek. You know the rules. I really don't think this is quite the film for a man of your...carriage. If you go quietly, I'll leave twenty pounds of free gummy dinosaurs in your trailer."

Sadako: "Aw. If you set it to accordion music it's kind of like Lady and the Tramp."

Ian: "Hold on!"

*Trailers fall off the cliff and explode*

George Lucas: "Steve, was that as good for you as it was for me?"

Roland: "I know you. You're that Earth First bastard. Thanks to your eco terrorism, we're stranded here."

Nick:"Well, thanks to me we're also one step closer to Dinotopia."

Hippie Beardo: "Let's keep going. We'll lose the Rex when we leave its territory."

Sarah: "You're wrong. T-Rex has the largest nasal cavity of any animal with the exception of one. Now hand me my blood covered vest and let's get on with it."

Roland: "Are you injured? Your jacket...it's covered in blood."

Sarah: "And it's torn, from caring for the baby Rex--I think the blood gives it that little something extra, doncha think? See, girls can be tough, too!"

Dieter: "Aaah!"

Sadako: "Told you. Be nice to little animals when you're co-starring in a film that is PETA's wet dream."

Roland: "Okay, I'm going to go look for Dieter. While I'm gone, Ludlow, you're in charge."

Ludlow: "All right, everyone, let's go."

*Silence*

Nick Van Owen: "C'mon, let's go."

All: "Okay!"

Ludlow: "Why do you like him better than me?!"

Nick Van Owen: "My rugged charm and lean good looks. Also, you look like a troll under a bridge and I look like this:

Sadako: "You guys do all know which of these two men signs your paycheck and which is the Luddite who destroyed your fancy equipment, right?"

Everyone: "Dino attack!"

Roland: "Now to take down the male Rex. Damn, where are my bullets?"

Nick: "Replaced by yours truly."

Spielberg: "My man! With what? Walkie talkies?"

Nick: "Solar panels."

Roland: "Fine, fine. Tranquilizers it is."

Spielberg: "Hm, for no other reason at all...send in the raptors."

Kelly: "And that's kicking your raptor ass."

Ian: "You got cut from the team? And they say there's such a thing as affirmative action!"

Spielberg: "Okay, raptors, the rest of you are disheartened and confused now that Shaniqua Lou Retton killed your friend. Start fighting amongst each other randomly and ignore the fleshbags."

Sadako: "WHAT? They're stupid AND weak? These are not the raptors I'm looking for!"

Peter Ludlow: "Good news, everyone! The Rex is tranquilized and help is here. We'll bring Rex and baby Rex to San Diego via ship."

Sadako: "Am I the only one who saw Reptar on Ice? This isn't gonna end well."

T Rex: "San Diego, eh? Time to hunt down a My daddy went to San Diego and all he got me was this stupid t-shirt for Rexie. I need a large in the torso and an extra extra small in the arms."

Sadako: "Back up a teensy bit. You know, the part where the crew was all dead and eaten and yet the T-Rex was still in the closed cargo hold?"

Spielberg: "That's the last time I leave you in charge of anything related to plot, Lucas."

T-Rex: "Progress and technology angers me! Time to kill a corporate head. Come on, Rexie, just like Daddy showed you."

Rexie: "Yum! Can we stop off for some Enron on the way home, Daddy?"

Sadako: "Time to return Rex and baby Rex home to Isla Sorna. Cue the thoughtful music and the shots of cute dinosaurs romping on the island."

John Hammond: "No more talk of amusement parks. I'm going conservationist."

John: "You see, it's much more profitable to simply film nature videos of the dinosaurs in their natural habitat, just being dinosaurs, and then have my brother narrate over them in a calm soothing tone of voice. We'll make a mint!"

So did we all learn the lesson that Mr. Spielberg taught us today? Corporations bad, technology worse, dinosaurs are worthy of study because they have babies, and the Costa Rican jungle is no place for women.