Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Movies in a Minute: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

As promised, the gripping sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer: in a minute!

Julie: "It's me, Julie James. Back again after finding out that I sort of kind of killed Ben Willis then tried to kill him again but it turns out we just took off his hand. Remember my black college roomie from the first movie? Well, since the popularity of the last film, we've upgraded."

Brandy: "He-ey! This is my honey, Ty."

Tyrell: "Wait, I'm the black male supporting cast member in a slasher franchise? I'm feeling worse about this than when I starred in O."

Will Benson: "I'm Julie's college friend who's been a supportive ear. Pay no attention to the similarities between my name and the name of the guy stalking Julie."

Ray: "Still dating Julie. Still waiting for that last credit so I can graduate the Joey Tribbiani school of acting"

Radio announcer: "Brandy? If you can answer this question, you're on your way to a trip for four to the Bahamas. What's the capitol of Brazil?"

Julie: "Rio! Rio!"

Brandy: "Is it...Rio de Janeiro?"

Radio announcer: "No. The Google-fu is lacking in you two. It's Brasilia. But that's OK. Hot people don't have to be smart."

Julie: "Ray, want to go to the Bahamas?"

Ray: "I can't, honey. I'm still a fisherman. I'll take you to Kokomo, Indiana next year. You have fun with your rich friends, though."

Will: "I'll take his place and listen to all your hopes and dreams. You'll never have to remind me to look up when I'm speaking to you. Plus, in my spare time, I like to build furniture and have a conversation about where it should best be placed."

Ray: "Maybe I should go to the Bahamas."

Sadako: "You wouldn't have to bring the inflatable inner tube, if you know what I mean."

Ray: "Let's drive up and surprise Julie!"

Expendable Best Buddy: "Hey, is that guy lying in the middle of the road okay?"

Ray: "Hmm. Let's split up. I'll go see if he's okay."

Ben Willis: "Surprise. I'm back. With a hook for a hand this time. Yup, the serial killers disability union has some awesome perks."

Ray: "Summon up all your courage, Ray. You're going to the Bahamas to protect Julie. But first--to pawn my ring for Julie and buy a gun. Is it loaded?"

Pawn Star: "No."

Ray: "Well, load it for me. Do I look like the competent one?"

Sadako: "Julie and co are going to the Bahamas!"

Will BENson: "Oh my god. Oh my god. Gotta fly Qantas..."

"Heh. White folks can't fly."

Jack Black: "Meesa name Jack Black! Anybody wanna get high?"

Sadako: "You're the worst character ever, Jack Black."

Hotel manager: "Oh yeah, this is the off-season. It's our version of winter."

Sadako: "Cough. SET UP. Cough."

Tyrell: "Gee, it's slow in here."

Barkeep: "What'll it be, boys?"

Will "Son of Ben" Benson: "Why're you here, if it's the off-season? Did a man break your heart?"

Barkeep: "They thought the movie wouldn't be edgy enough if no pretty white girls died."

Julie: "I will survive...hey...hey--OH MY GOD."

All: "What? What?"

Barkeep: "I still know the way to make your make up run...chill, hon, as the token alterna chick, Fall Out Boy's The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes was my contribution."

Julie: "Uh. I'm fine. It's probably nothing. The fact that I'm this decade's Jamie Lee Curtis except with less genital speculation is probably not worth noting at all."

Tyrell: "Girl, you so fine..."

Jack Black: "Wanna get high?"

Sadako: "Objects in hot tub may be more irritating than they seem."

Julie: "Oh my god, oh my god!"

All: "What? WHAT?"

Julie: "I swear to god, there was a dead body but it's gone."

Sadako: "That happens to me, too, except with bugs. The trick is Raid and a glass jar."

Tyrell and Will: "Sick! Most of the non white cast! Dead."

Tyrell: "Crap. Voodoo. Julie's toothbrush. My honey's hair tie."

Julie: "I knew I was looking less pneumatic than usual!"

All: "Estes! He must be the killer."

Estes: "No, I'm doing it to protect you. I found the bodies this morning, and rather than radio to the coast guard or try to tell anyone, I thought I'd practice some voodoo to keep you kids safe."

Julie: "Are you sure?"

Estes: "This is where old Ben Willis killed his wife years ago. Yup, old Ben Willis was something of a snowbird. Here are some gravestones."

Sadako: "Ben, how could you. Graffiti?"

Julie: "I won't let you kill me, Ben!"

Brandy: "Hey, where'd Estes go?"

Will "Stop or My Dad Will Hook You" Benson: "Uh, guys, I'm just gonna go after the voodoo practitioner. No, I don't have to worry about getting killed because--um, I have to go now."

Tyrell: "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Julie."

Julie: "It's okay. I definitely didn't contribute to the problem by failing to disclose my Final Girl status."

Brandy: "But I told you about the time I lost my ass virginity. I thought we were friends!"

Barkeep: "Hey, this is my hiding space."

Tyrell: "It's cool--"

Brandy: "TY!"

Julie: "Run away!"

Barkeep: "Leave her. She's as good as dead. Let's focus on me. I'm a pretty white girl."

Julie: "Shut up!"

Nancy Grace: "I object."

Sadako: "Uh, Julie? There's three of you versus one of him. Plus you just used a sharp axe to get Brandy out of a locked room whereas he's armed with a rusty hook. Come on. Make Gloria Steinem a little proud."

Julie: "But can brunettes go undercover as Playboy bunnies? Oh, hey! It's Will! And he's bleeding!"

Will: "Can you guys go get the first-aid kit?"

Barkeep: "Doesn't this technically constitute...splitting up?"

Will: "Can you please give us a minute? I've been trying to get my moment alone with her for days now and every time I get cockblocked, so..."

Brandy: "Oh...oh...OHHH. Text us later, girl!"

Will: "Yeah, that's actually not my blood. Yup, I'm the killer. Well, technically I'm an unpaid intern to the killer. I'm Will Benson. Will, Ben's son? This vacation was all a sham. Come on, don't act so surprised. Scooby Doo logic said it was me."

Julie: "Why are you doing this to me?!"

Will: "Me, me, me. It's always about you. I'm having bad dreams. I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in school. I'm having trouble with my boyfriend. Now come on. It's time for the big showdown."

Sadako: "I like him."

Julie: *attempted knifing*

Will: *Punch* "What'd you have to do that for?"

Will: "Hi Dad!"

Ben Willis: "Well, we've killed off all the people whose crime was being nonwhite. Let's get to the only two people who we actually bear a grudge against. Go on. Just like daddy showed you."

Jason Voorhees: "Aw. That reminds me--I should really give Mom a call."

Ray: "Wait, I'm here, too, with a gun! Can someone get the safety off for me?"

Will: "Hook him, dad!"

Ray: *duck*

Ben: "I...have no son. Literally."

Freddie Prinze, Sr.: "Can we trade?"

Julie: "Die, Ben, die!"

Sadako: "Brandy! You're alive! And your distressed jeans are looking even nicer than before!"

Brandy: "Hey, guys. If anyone asks, let's not tell 'em it rained the whole time, kay."

All: *chuckle*

Sadako: "I'll take delayed PTSD for two thousand, Alex."