Monday, April 19, 2010

Project Runway Season 1 in a Minute

Since I've recapped so much other stuff in bite sized format for today's ADHD suffering reader, I decided I'd go the same route with Project Runway. Focusing less on the fashion and more on the drama we know and love. (Most of the images thanks to Tom and Lorenzo's Proj Runway blog.)

Episode 1: Gristedes

Heidi: "Your challenge? To make an outfit that expresses who you are...out of only items purchased at Gristedes."

Wendy Pepper: "She's from Rio, and I think clothes might be a jarring concept for her, and..."

Sadako: "Congratulations. Edward Said called. You are the new face of Orientalism!"

Emilio "Washers are a Girl's Best Fiend" Sosa: "She's tho very evil. But there's tho much I can learn from her."

Robert Plotkin: "You know, a woman is a lot like a fast car. Dangerous. With curves. And you definitely don't want to go jamming things in the tailpipe unless you know what you're--"

Heidi: "Thank you, Robert. The winner is Austin Scarlett, our own little Corn Husk Boy."

Ep 2: Envy

Heidi: "Your challenge. To create a garment that best says 'ENVY.'"

Wendy Pepper: "This challenge is what I'm about. Being surrounded by younger, more attractive people with better last names? Yeah, I'm jealous. Austin Scarlett? What the fuck kind of name is that?"

Robert: "A woman is a lot like a penis. You know. If you squint and don't take your glaucoma medicine."

Ep 3: Commercial Appeal

Heidi: "Today's challenge? To design a look for Banana Republic."

Robert: "Actually, you know, a woman is kind of like Sheena Queen of the Jungle at her grandma's Vassar reunion."

Austin: "So I made a pretty floral dress, and--"

Nina: "Yes, but perhaps it was...too pretty. We're going to throw hillbilly Mom a bone so we can crush her dreams when she fails."

Ep 4: Collaboration

Heidi: "Today's challenge. To create drama, tension, and a peak in the ratings by forcing you to work in teams and to then sell out one of your fellow team members. Oh, and along the way, to also create a look for rock star Sarah Hudson, please."

Sarah Hudson: "I'm a girl...I'm a girl...on the verge of a nervous breakdown!"

Sadako: "If by rock star, you mean Lite FM Diva. Come on, Vanessa's I Can't Sew song had more edge than this."

Heidi: "Who was the weakest link on your team?"

Austin: "Oh, god. I hate to sell out any member of my team--

Wendy Pepper: "Austin. I'm going to get him. Him and his pretty little last name."

Vanessa: "Probably me! I'm so batty and terrible at sewing garments. Not even quite sure why I got cast, really."

Heidi: "Tim said he liked the cheery accent. Austin?"

Austin: "I just can't choose. I think I'd almost rather send myself home--

Heidi: "That can be arranged, yes..."

Austin: "But Vanessa, if I had to choose. But I mean, really...oh my god, I'd rather cut off my own leg."

Heidi: "Vanessa, you're out."

Sadako: "Austin? You're sending her back to Merry Old England. Not Crematorium Two."

Heidi: "And Sarah Hudson, I'm sure we'll be hearing a lot from you."

And in fact, I actually did. Back when I used to peruse the half off section of Virgin Megastore, I found her debut album, along with the I Need More Allowance: The Best of the Beets and High as a Plane or Ballooney: the Memoir of Crazy Bus.

Ep 5: Wedding

Heidi: "For a little twist, the models are going to be the clients! And the challenge--a wedding dress. I hope you chose wisely because, much like characters on TV's The Critic, we adhere strictly to the code of conduct about who gets to wear white. Will your model be wearing virgin white or the slightly off color white we call whore white?"

Morganza: "White-white. Except the elbow length taffeta gloves."

Jay: "God, Morgan."

Morgan: "Jay, sorry, it's the day of the show and you have to redesign the dress. It has to be whore white."

Ep 6: Splash

Heidi: "Today's challenge. To create a bathing suit in five hours for a pool party. Your models will wear the bathing suits. You and your model will both have to impress The New York Post's Page Six editor Richard Johnson. The winner of the challenge will get a Page Six mention."

Jay: "God, Austin's such a phony. Sending over his tight assed jailbait to gyrate for Richard Johnson."

Jay: "Coming through! Jay-sus! Richard, look at my outfit, Richard. Richard? My model's walking, Richard. It's the straitjacket scene in Lady Sings the Blues meets Al Pacino circa Crusin'. I call it, Diana Has Two Leather Daddies."

Julia: "Actually, Jay, it's kind of crushing my breasts--

Jay: "You're a model. You don't have those. Tighter!"

Robert: "Did I mention a woman is like a car..."

Sadako: "If a woman is a car, this one is saying less Lambroghini and more KITT from Knight Rider."

Robert: "...she's dangerous, she's got curves..."

Guest Judge Constance White: "Excuse me? What?"

Robert: "Well. People name their cars for women, and..."

Constance White: "And that is a travesty up there with female genital mutilation and sex trafficking. I suppose next you're going to ask Heidi and me to take off our stilettos and traipse into the kitchen?"

Robert: "Maybe a woman's more like a box of chocolates."

Ep 7: Future

Tim Gunn: "All right, designers. For this futuristic challenge, we're going to a vintage fabric store."

Harvey Weinstein: "Oh, Mood does vintage?"

Tim Gunn: "No, this isn't Mood."

Bob Weinstein: "'s just a subsidiary of Mood?"

Tim: "It's not Mood."

Based on how Project Runway is today, asking them about non-Mood fabric stores is a bit like the conversation between Dorothy and Glinda (or Galinda) about what kind of witch Dottie is. I'd love to see the looks on the Weinsteins' faces if Tim proposed telling the designers they can use the Bluefly wall sparingly.

Aw. Poor Austin. His future was less Mad Max and more Howard's End. Back to Brideshead Part II, anyone?

But it was Kevin who got the axe. Sweet, quiet Kevin. My quiet Langdon Alger-esque guy who was very quiet, unmemorable, and enjoyed puzzles.

Ep 8: Post Office

Heidi: "Even ugly people can wear nice clothing! Your task today is to redesign the Post Office's outfit taking into consideration both function and style."

Wendy: "Someone defaced my daughter's photograph, and it's not all right, okay? This is the only one I have of her like this."

Rob: "Hey, maybe we could put her on that website for the cats that look like Hitler."

Tim: "Please don't defend the shoe to me."

Wendy: "Tim. I know I'm old, boring, and barely hip enough for the Lane Bryant show. I'll step with you into fashion land. But if you don't let me unleash a new trend of orthopedic chic, I will go insane, and I will take you with me."

Too late for that.

Jay: "My model Julia isn't here. Austin, wanna model?"

Sadako: "Oh, yes, that'll convince the people in Middle America that fashionistas aren't all gay men whose ideal body is that of a pubescent boys."

Jay: "Austin, that's the most butch I've ever seen you."

Austin: "What about the kimono I wore the other night?"

Jay: "What was butch about that?"

Austin: "Well...the leaves on the floral pattern were such a harsh shade of olive."

Heidi: "Wendy, we hated the shoe. And Rob, we wanted to take you for the affirmative action quota. Our straight guy quota is low. But you humped the Post Office Worker judge's leg, and we cannot afford to have the Post Office as our enemies."

Ep 9: Red Carpet

Heidi:"This challenge. To create a red carpet look for E!'s Nancy O'Dell."

Wendy: "So this challenge called for a sexy, hot red carpet dress, and you know, that's not me. If the challenge was Nursing Home Chic, I'd be all over that. Or if it were Polyester Soaked in Cat Urine, I pioneered that look last year for my daughter's Sandy costume in Annie."

Heidi: "You have all failed. Now get off my runway. Schnell. Nancy, what did you think? Which dress would you want to wear?"

Nancy: "They all had issues but I'd go with Wendy's."

Heidi: "Um."

Michael: "Are you sure you don't want someone on the right side of the Mason Dixon?"

Nancy: "No, I'm sure with a little tweaking, Wendy's will be fine."

Heidi: "What about the speech I prepared for Wendy last night? The one that goes, Wendy, you may not be able to design for the likes of the red carpet but there is a market for you--among the women of Middle America. The ones with hips and breasts and asses and children in the military who unironically shop at the Wal-Mart?"

Nina: "We can salvage this. We need a good villain for the final three, after all. And maybe we'll get a crazy cat lady following."

Final Results

Heidi: "Wendy, you are out. But we expect you to go far. I love your work, and I'd really love you design a dress for my upcoming renewal of wedding vows. Kara Saun, we loved your work, but Middle America's idea of fashion is disturbingly close to Zoolander. We'd like a foppish and cartoonish homosexual man to win. So, Jay, you are the winner."

Jay: "Praise JAY-sus!"

Incidentally, Seal and Heidi did go with the white trash look for their renewal of vows. I like to think Wendy was creative consultant.

So. Where are they now?

Jay's dropped the weight thanks to Celebrity Fit Club. He designs in his spare time.

Kara Saun's apparently still working but I'm not going into detail about her because somehow she's just eminently unsnarkable.

Wendy's rocking Cleveland Fashion Week. (No, I'm not actually making that up.) In her spare time, she and her (happily clean shaven) daughter bedazzle walkers for the local elderly people. (Am I making that up? You tell me.) I also have a sneaking suspicion that based on her affinity for sensible shoe ware that she's behind the monstrosities that are Vibram shoes and Crocs.