Tuesday, January 18, 2011

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: The Bewitchin' Pool

Enjoy the latest Twilight Zone post, guys. And expect a Babysitters Club post coming up in the next couple of weeks.

Sport: "What do you thinks down in that there pool, Jeb?"

Jeb: "Water?"

Sport: "Silly. We're supposed to show the audience that our rich fantasy life is the only thing keeping us from feelin' bad about our divorcing parents."

Whitt: "Howdy! Come with me!"

Sport: "What is this place?"

Rod Serling: "I described it to the writers as the town of Willoughby but even more idyllic."

Jeb: "Gollee!"

Sport: "I wonder if all there was a hole in the bottom of our swimmin' pool."

Whitt: "Hahaha!"

Sport: "Why you--

Aunt T: "Now, now. There's no fightin' to be had here. Fightin' takes away from the energy you'll be needing for chores--I mean, for enjoying a parent free paradise. I'm Aunt T, the only grown up in this place."

Michael Jackson: "Would you be interested in networking? Your place could be a direct subsidiary of Neverland Ranch..."

Aunt T: "Whitt, you and Sport go off and settle your argument. Jeb, while those two are settling their little tiff, you can help me ice the the cake. My, my. You are very accomplished! Have you had much experience?"

Jeb: "No, ma'am, this is my first."

Aunt T: "Well, we'll just have to put you on cake duty. Though from the look of it, I'd also like to see you behind a shoeshine kit if I get the chance..."

Sport: "We're back."

Aunt T: "My, you children do seem serious. Why don't you laugh much?"

Patti Hearst: "Yeah, guys. Getting kidnapped from your family's no excuse for long faces. I regularly did Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce bits for the SLA gang before our raids."

Sport: "What's there to laugh at?"

Whit: "I got a riddle! What do you call someone who crosses the ocean twice and never takes a bath? A dirty double crosser!"

Sport: "...it's going to be a long eternity."

Aunt T: "I'll show you children your rooms and assign you to your chores! And if we have time, I'll measure your ankles and waists for the chains I'll be affixin' to the radiator."

Sport: "No. We have to go."

Jeb: "I wanna stay with Aunt T! Our inexplicable Southern accents and our predilection for going barefoot suddenly make sense when we're here."

Sport: "She's a kidnapper."

Aunt T: "Am not. I've been tempted to, hundreds of time, when I've seen children whose parents don't treat 'em right."

Sadako: "Yeah, I hate it when I see kids wearing shoes, living in upper middle class homes, and getting an education that goes beyond an old woman's homespun wisdom. Really burns me up."

Aunt T: "But I always resisted the temptation!"

Parents' voices: "Sport, Jeb? Come back here!"

Sport: "They're calling us."

Aunt T: "Those voices you hear calling...at first they seem quite strong. But if you ignore them, they go away after a while. And I've got Stockholm Syndrome for dummies if that don't work!"

Sport: "They're our parents and they love us!"

Aunt T: "If you say so..."

Sport: "Come on, Jeb. We cain't go back there ag'in."

Mother: "Sport, where is your brother? Get him. It's time for a chilling denouement to this episode, and I'm only doing it once."

Sport: "Jeb. Jeb?! He musta gone back to Aunt T!"

Jeb: "Aunt T? Why does their have to be chores?"

Aunt T: "Every child must have chores. It teaches him dignity of work and the joy of labor."

Bill Lumbergh: "Hmm. I like the sound of that. Hey, Peter, I'm gonna need you to learn a little bit more about the dignity of work this Saturday. Oh, and I'd like you to go ahead and experience the joy of labor."

Jeb: "Do all the children got holes in their swimming pools?"

Aunt T: "Oh, no. Some of them come down chimneys. Or you open a door and there they are. Sometimes you find them on streetcorners or on doorstops."

Sadako: "And sometimes you find them in Lindbergh cribs or in the basements of Boulder, Colorado homes owned by kiddie beauty pageant aficionados. And sometimes even in the bedrooms of Mormon girls."

Sport: "Jeb, we got to come back! Mama and Daddy have news."

Jeb: "Is it that we was switched at birth and that somewhere in Appalachia, there's a pair of WASPy kids in blazers and floral skirts wondering where their Connecticut parents are?"

Sport: "They aren't gonna yell and scream at each other anymore. And we're gonna take trips together. Everything's gonna be different. They're gonna love us."

Jeb: "But I want to stay with Aunt T!"

Aunt T: "Well, you best go back then. Whitt, get my headhunter on the line and see if he's got any more kids I could use. Tell him I'll settle for Red Chief if it's all he's got."

Sport: "Are you going to love us?"

Mrs. Sherwood: "No, we're getting a divorce. You want to live with me or that bum?"

Sport: "But what about the vacations?"

Mr. Sherwood: "You can watch me take a trip to the bank every month to sign over the alimony checks to that she-devil."

Mrs. Sherwood: "Now, choose. Who do you want to live with? Him or me?"

Jeb: *sniff*

Sport: "We choose....we choose...neither! Come on, Jeb, we got to get back to Aunt T! A demented old woman who depends on children to get her housework done is the best we can do family wise!"

Aunt T: "I'm glad you children decided to stay with Aunt T!"