Tuesday, January 11, 2011

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: Long Distance Call

Hey, guys. I did a guest post on Monday at the Secret Society of List Addicts about Manic Pixie Dream Girls. Check it out!

Now, on with the Twilight Zone. Here's Long Distance Call.

Grandma: "Happy birthday, Billy! Make a wish. Now whisper it into Grandma's ears! She's the only one who understands you!"

Sylvia: "Shouldn't we all hear the wish?"

Grandma: "No, it's a Grandma thing. Ah, my little Billy. He has given me new life."

Billy: "Why are you crying, Grandma?"

Grandma: "I won't be here with you for very long. Soon, I will be away."

Sadako: "Can I have your cameo brooch when you're gone? Next to owls, they're the next biggest thing in jewelry."

Billy: "Where will you be, Grandma?"

Chris: "So...who wants presents?"

Sadako: "Can't we play a rousing game of Where would Grandma most like to be buried first?"

Sylvia: "Come on, Billy. Your father and I have gotten all kinds of wonderful toys. perfect for a child of the early 60s. Your very own lil Martini maker. Some tin soldiers made from good old American lead paint. And a toy rifle, fit for shootin' Injuns or battlin' Commies."

Grandma: "Billy, come. I found an old telephone. Wouldn't you rather look at Grandma's present? You can talk to me whenever you want on this phone."

Billy: "Oh boy!"

Grandma: "..."

Chris: "What is it, Mother?"

Grandma: "Heavy handed music that signals that I'm on my deathbed."

Billy: "Don't be sick, Grandma!"

Rod Serling: "As must be obvious, this is a house hovered over by Mr. Death."

Sadako: "Which would probably happen a lot less often if you switched to Nicorette for your narrations, Rod."

Rod Serling: "In a moment, a child will try to cross that bridge that separates light and shadow. And of course, he must take that only known route: the Twilight Zone."

Doctor: "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for your mother. You can see her if you like, but she won't recognize you."

Grandma: "Who are you?"

Chris: "I'm your son, Ma."

Grandma: "No. My son was taken away from me by a woman."

Mrs. Bates: "You've got to watch your kids like a hawk to make sure things like this don't happen."

Grandma: "This is my son now. Billy. Come with me, Billy. Just the two of us. Just you and..."

Billy: "Grandma!"

Chris: "Goodnight, sweet guilt tripper. May Livia Soprano and Livia Augusta sing you to your rest."

Sadako: "This makes that dreaded birthday where I got Malibu Barbie instead of Ballerina Barbie look like a walk in the park by comparison."

Sylvia: "Chris? It's Billy. I'm worried about him the last few days. He's wandering around in a daze since your mother died instead of joining me in a victory jig."

Chris: "I'm sure he'll be fine, dear."

Billy: "Yeah? Oh..."

Sylvia: "Who are you talking to on your toy phone, Billy?"

Billy: "Grandma. Can I come visit her?"

Sylvia: "..."

Sadako: "Sure, Billy. Right after your play date with Captain Howdy."

Babysitter: "Mr. and Mrs. Bayles?! Oh, thank goodness you're here."

Mr. Peterson: "While you were out at the funeral, your son ran right out into the road, right in front of my truck. When I asked him why he did it, he said someone told him to."

Sylvia: "Billy! Who are you talking to on that phone?! What's this about?!"

Billy: "Nobody!"

Sylvia: "Dammit!"

Chris: "Hmm. Better fix this. Seems I've misplaced my Dr. Spock. Uh, Billy, don't talk to Grandma in front of your mother. It freaks her out. Now that that pesky parenting's out of the way, time to join Rod for a martooni."

Billy: "What's that? Okay, Grandma. It'll be our little secret!"

Sylvia: "What the? Give me that. Oh...it's HER. Uh, where'd Billy go?"

Chris: "He's in the pond! No! Billy!"

Sylvia: *sob*

Chris: "Is he..."

Paramedic: "I'm afraid it doesn't look good. But the doctor will be here soon to give your wife a sedative. You should really keep Mother's Little Helper stocked in your medicine cabinet."

Chris: "Ma. Billy's only five. He hasn't lived. He hasn't been to school, had girlfriends, worn long pants. There's a whole world out there."

Sadako: "Just think. Billy will miss the advent of denim."

Chris: "If you really love Billy, give him back. Give him back, Ma! I know adjusting to the afterlife is hard, but try! Play Mah Jong! Join a living challenged bowling league! Become an afterlife caseworker! Just let Billy live!"

Paramedic: "I have no idea how we did it but Billy's going to be all right! It's a miracle!"