Thursday, November 4, 2010

Movies in a Minute: 10 Things I Hate About You

Kat: "Ugh. The prom."

Feministing: "We love you, Kat, oh yes we do!"

Shakespeare's Sister: "We want to be you!"

Jezebel: "You're Tavi Gevinson, Crystal Renn, and Gloria Steinem wrapped up in one awesome package!"

Ms. Perky: "Welcome to Padua High School, Cameron. I trust you'll find it's like your other schools. Except more self consciously Shakespearean. Now get out of here while I consult Roget's Thesaurus: the Harlequin Romance Edition."

Michael: "Hey, Cameron. I'm here to show you around. Over there you've got your basic beautiful people and over there are your future MBAs...feel free to tune the rest of this out if you've seen Clueless already."

Cameron: "Whoa. Who's that girl? She's perfect!"

Michael: "That's Bianca Stratford."

Bianca: "What's the difference between like and love, anyway? Because I like my Skechers but love my Prada backpack."

Cameron: "I burn! I pine! I perish! I quote Taming of the Shrew at random intervals to convince the English teachers screening this film for their classes that this constitutes a Shakespearean adaptation!"

Daria: "Her shallowness is so thorough that sometimes it seems like depth, I'll give you that."

Michael: "Not gonna happen. Bianca's dad won't let her date. He's like a non ironic version of Sam and Lindsey Weir's dad."

Joey: "Bianca, eh? I bet I can have sex with her."

Bianca: "Daddy, why can't I date?"

Mr. Stratford: "Okay. New rule. Bianca can date...when hell freezes over. Oh, and when someone manages to find my Kat, eldest feminist daughter, attractive."

Mr. Weir: "Nice, but I'd have gone with You know who had premarital sex? Jim Morrison. Know what happened to him? He's dead!"

Michael: "Don't worry. We'll just pay someone to ask Kat out."

Cameron: "But we don't have any money."

Michael: "We'll just get a backer--someone to pay him who thinks he'll be the one who gets Bianca. Like...that guy. He's insane enough to deal with her."

Cameron: "Great! Let's go get something to eat--treating women like chattel really works up my appetite."

Michael: "So, Joey. You like Bianca. Pay Patrick Verona to take her out."

Joey: "So--"

Patrick: "Yes, all right, I'll get this tired plot underway. So, Kat, I've noticed you around. I find you kind of abrasive. Would you--"

Kat: "Bite my pasty, skinny, patriarchy hating ass."

Patrick: "Little help, guys?"

Cameron: "Turns out Kat likes feminist prose, white guilt, and angry, girl music of the rock persuasion. She's going to see her favorite angry girl music group tomorrow night!"

Director Gil Junger: "Cue the angry feminist girl group! Get the lead singer out of her ripped t-shirt and into a halter top! And make sure her highlights look okay and slap some more lipstick on her before she comes out."

Patrick: "So. Bogie Lowenstein's party tomorrow night. Was that a yes?"

Kat: "No."

Patrick: "Was it a no?"

Kat: "No!"

Sadako: "And no means no just had its coffin lowered into the ground."


Cameron: "So, Bianca--"

Joey: "Hey Bianca. Want to see the looks I'm working on for my tube sock campaign?"

Bianca: "Wait, I don't give compliments. I just receive them."

Kat: *concussion* "Ouch. I'm fine."

Patrick: "Are you sure?"

Sadako: "Yeah, can you recite Coolio lyrics?"

Cameron: "Patrick, this whole thing was a bad idea. Bianca likes Joey, not me."

Patrick: "Come on. Cameron, you're smart enough, you're good enough, and doggone it, it doesn't matter because Joey Donner's a tool. And Kat..."

Kat: *puke*

Sadako: "Told you. Never trust a girl when she says she's okay unless she can go Rollin' with the homies..."

Kat: "You know, you're not as vile as I thought. Vomit flavored kiss?"

Patrick: "Um. Another time."

Joey: "You guys want to head over to Jaret's house with me?"

Bianca: "I've gotta be home in twenty minutes..."

Chastity: "I'll go!"

Bianca: "Chastity!"

Chastity: "I'm tired of being the mocha flavored token best friend. Time to get a little action of my own!"

Bianca: "Cameron, none of my friends are paying attention to me. Come on, let's make out."

Cameron: "What'd you do to Kat, Patrick? The plan was working!"

Michael: "Well, to put it in pseudo 16th century terms, Kat hates you with the fire of a thousand suns."

Cameron: "Come on, Patrick, you just need a grand sweeping gesture. We've only got about half an hour left in the movie--she's bound to fold if you do something sweet enough."

Patrick: I love you, baby, and if it's quite all right, I need you, baby...

Nelson: "Good song, but don't be surprised if she chooses herself."

Mr. Chapin: "Detention time, Mr. Verona!"

Kat: "Mr. Chapin! I have a plan for how we can improve the girls soccer team. Let's distract them!" *flash*

Ms. Perky: "Anyone have another word for erect nipples? I don't think this school constitutes hostile educational environment quite yet!"

Patrick: "Thanks for getting me out of detention. So. Why so serious about hating the rest of the world?"

Kat: "I'm a real nonconformist. I don't like to do what people expect."

Patrick: "Same here. So, want to run around giggling while a popular teen group of the era plays a catchy song and we collapse in a messy, romantic heap?"

Kat: "Bianca, I just want you to be careful. Joey Donner and I went out my freshman year and he dumped me after I had sex with him."

Bianca: "What?! Oh god, why does everything bad happen to me?"

Mr. Stratford: "What's going on here?"

Bianca: "Bye, Daddy! I've got Andie Walsh's old prom dress and Cameron and I are off to the prom!"

Chastity: "Oh, Bianca. Joey and I are at prom together. You know he only asked you out because he had a bet going about nailing you."

Joey: "Yo, Verona. What the hell is Cameron doing with Bianca? I never would have paid you to take out Kat if I'd known--

Kat: "What?!"

Bianca: *Joey smack* "That was for making my date bleed! That was for my sister! And that was for me!"

Joey: "Ow..."

Sadako: "So all four main male characters used and bet on women. What makes Joey the slimy one? His self-centeredness or the fact that he once stood up Stephanie Tanner?"

Kat: I hate the way you talk to me / And the way you cut your hair...I hate it when you're not around / And the fact that you didn't call / But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you / Not even close / Not even a little bit / Not even at all. *sob*

Sadako: "The angst of Sylvia Plath/Ted Hughes fanfic meets the rhyming scheme of Hop on Pop!"

Kat: "Is this a Fender Stratocaster which I see before me? Or art thou but a guitar of the mind, a false creation? Or just a Gibson electric?"

Patrick: "Well, I had some extra cash. An asshole paid me to take out this girl but I fell for her."

Kat: "I'm melting inside but I'm going to pay some token feminist lip service by reminding you that you can't just buy me a guitar every time you use me."

Patrick: "Whatever you say, honey!"