Monday, November 15, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Can't Hardly Wait

Preston: "Mike broke up with Amanda! This is Fate with big F and little ate! Remember on Amanda's first day of school? She sat next to me, and Smashmouth songs spontaneously played wherever she went!"

Denise: "I don't know--"

Preston: "And now the radio is playing Mandy! Come on, Denise! To the party of cliches! I can give Amanda my heartfelt letter."

William Lichter: "OK, guys. Here's our chance to get revenge on that asshole Mike Dexter. We're going to chloroform him and his jock friends, take off their clothes, and take pictures of them in compromising positions."

Director/Writer Harry Elfont: "Homophobia and Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs. Is there anything else you need for a successful 90s teen flick?"

Girl 1: "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Amanda! You guys were like Brad Pitt and Gwyneth but he's no Brad! And you're so much hotter than Gwyneth!"

Girl 2: "With bigger boobs."

Girl 3: "Totally bigger boobs."

Katy Perry: "Hm. Watching and rewatching my favorite 90s movies, I'm starting to think that I don't need to dye my hair blonde and become talented to actually achieve fame. Maybe I've got something else to ensure my celebrity."

Denise: *eye roll* "God, look at Kenny Fisher."

Preston: "Denise, do you have to rag on everyone? I mean, I'm not the one who used to spend the night at his house."

Denise: "Please, that was the fourth grade!"

Sadako: "Yeah, but it establishes that you're Kenny's First Girl and by TVTrope's logic, it means you two are destined."

Preston: "So were you this bitchy when we went out?"

Denise: "Yes, for that whole week we went out, I was a bitchy eighth grader. You know, that one week that makes it clear to the audience that even though we've got a When Harry Met Sally vibe going on, there's no Joey/Dawson dynamic here, and certainly no Some Kind of Wonderful secret best friend crush thing."

Cute Girl: "I can't believe my boyfriend cheated on me. I'm going to have sex with the first guy who talks to me!"

Mystery: "Go with that one. She came pre-negged."

Kenny: "Yes! I'll be right back. Um, need a bathroom."

Denise: "Hello?"

Kenny: "NO! Don't close the--

Denise: "AHHH."

Kenny: "Door."

Radio Station: "In honor of Barry Manilow's birthday, we'll have him taking calls all night."

Preston: "Barry Manilow? Please, help--"

Woman: "Hi, stripper here--yup, a random stripper, just to make the fourteen year olds in the audience feel they saw something risque. Yup, wearing an angel costume instead of pasties so that the parents of said fourteen year olds won't write angry letters to Columbia Pictures."

Preston: "Dammit. Okay, back to the party."

William Lichter: "Hey, I know that song! Take me down to the Paradise City."

All: "Go, William, go!"

Bill Gates: "Yup. The secret to Microsoft taking over the world: my knowledge that nothing makes socializing easier for my nerdy employees like alcohol and karaoke. Take that, Steve Jobs."

Mike: "I'll take you back, Amanda."

Amanda: "Ew, no."

Guy: "Hey Amanda, looking good!"

Preston: "Hi, Amanda--

Amanda: "SHUT UP! I'm not single more than five minutes and you guys think that I'm going to strip off my clothes and do you? Hello, I used to be prom queen. Do you guys really think I'm going to compromise my gorgeous but untouchable reputation by screwing nobodies?"

Preston: "I'm going to end the night eating brownies, watching Gwar, and hoping Gina gets drunk enough to make out with me instead of Lucas, aren't I?" *sigh*

Amanda: "Ooh. A really nice letter from a guy named Preston. Let's find out if Preston's worth dating. Excuse me, do you guys know who Preston is?"

Girl: "You mean you don't know everyone in that yearbook? Mindless sheep."

Mike: *sob*

William: "Mike! Come on, there's girls taking off their clothes in the pool house. Come on! Let's go to the pool house."

Will Smith: "Check it, for real? I gotta convince Uncle Phil to let me move in there instead of Hilary!"

Mike: "I'm a loser. Amanda doesn't want me, my friends sold me out, and someone in there called me a fag. I'm starting to realize that because so many Hollywood scriptwriters were onetime nerds and bully victims that jocks don't have such a great place in the narrative that is the high school movie."

Denise: "Kenny, I can't believe you turned into such a homeboy asshole when we got to junior high."

Kenny: "Since the whole trapped in a small space situation isn't going to end in me humorously having to help you deliver a baby, I guess we should probably advance the plot by having sex."

Denise: "Sounds good. So next time, do you think it'll last long enough for us to do it to a Tool song instead of just a Blink182 song?"

Kenny: "Masculinity threatened! What to do?! What would a Spike Lee character say? Yo baby, not my fault you lack the flava!"

Denise: "What? It was just a question."

Kenny: "I'm sorry I acted like a jerk, Denise."

Denise: "I'm sorry UCLA's student health insurance probably won't cover your Viagra scrip."

Amanda: "Whoa. That guy who said those things to me was the same Preston who wrote me the letter? Hm."

William: "Mike! Thanks for lying to the police and keeping me out of trouble--

Mike: "LOSER!"

Title card: "The high point to Mike's life was high school."

William: "Grr."

Title card: "William Lichter ended up owning his own software company. He is currently dating a supermodel and like most former high school nerds has absolutely no issues with or latent hostility towards women."

Amanda: Preston! I got your letter of love and devotion to me, and I was thinking that rather than being some football guy's eye candy, I could be the hot girl some romantic budding English major worships. Want to be in a relationship?"

Preston: "Thanks. But I've actually got to catch a train. Workshop with Kurt Vonnegut, you know."

Amanda: "Okay, no biggie. See you."

Preston: "Oh, hey wait. I can take a later train. You still want to do that relationship?"

Title card: "Seven hours later, Preston got on that train. He and Amanda are still together."

Kurt Vonnegut: *tearing up* "I bet this never happened to J.D. Salinger."