Monday, November 8, 2010

Movies in a Minute: The Social Network

Mark: "I've just got to get into a final club!"

Erica: "Lighten up, Mark, I'm sure the Sorting Hat knows what it's doing."

Mark: "If I get in, you'll get to meet people you'd never have met as a lowly BU student."

Erica: "Mark, your whole life you're going to think girls don't like you because you're a nerd but it's really because you're an asshole. Now I'm off to date someone who's got the same geeky persona as you but has a heart of gold. Is Michael Cera available?"

Mark Zuckerberg: "To my online burn book! Erica is a fugly slut in a push up bra. Ugh. Women suck. Why don't any of them like me? All right. I'm going to get drunk and rip off Hot or Not."

Harvard Administration: "Mark, your site Face Mash crashed the Harvard network, objectified women, and was just plain mean."

Mark: "Really, you should be *thanking* me for pointing out gaps in the security of the Harvard sever."

Michaele Salahi: "They never appreciated the work we did in that area either!"

Tyler Winklevoss: "Mark, I'm Tyler Winklevoss and this is my twin brother, Cameron Winklevoss. This is Divya Narendra, our South Asian programmer, whose last name is only slightly less fun to say. We're familiar with your work, and we have a great idea for a website. Come on. We're in Porcellian club. We can let you into the bike room and tell you about it. So, it'll be a website where you get your own page--"

Mark: "Okay. I'll do it."

Eduardo Saverin: "Mark! I made it past the first round into one of Harvard's elusive final clubs!"

Mark: "Probably just because they're trying to fill their minority quotient."

Sadako: "Keep reaching for that green light, Mark."

Mark: "We're going to be programming a new Facebook. I'll need your help and $1,000 worth of start up."

Eduardo: "Well, sure, Mark--

Mark: "Oh, and I'm also going to need $200 more for servers. Also, your unquestioning support and loyalty and for our relationship to stop being one of equals and to start becoming more House/Wilson-esque."

Guy: "Mark! Have you seen Jessie? Do you know if she's dating anyone? Like, have you noticed her with anyone? And is she actively seeking a relationship or just a one night stand?"

Mark: "That's it! That's what the Facebook page is missing! A clear way of expressing social expectations so that even those of us on the autism spectrum can date, too! And I'll do away with flirting and wondering if a girl playing with her hair means she likes you--it'll all be replaced with a generic poke button!"

Christy: "You guys created the Facebook?"

Mark: "Yeah..."

Eduardo: "Yup."

Christy: "Ooh. Programmers are the new frat boys!"

Eduardo: "Dude. We have groupies."

Sadako: "Does this mean in a few more years, I should expect to see the tabloids turning their attention from the sex lives of Tiger Woods and Tom Brady to Bill Gates and Steve Jobs?"

Divya Narendra: "Guys! GUYS! Stop rowing. It's Mark Zuckerberg. He's been giving us the run around for two months and now it turns out he's stolen our idea!"

Tyler: "I'm going to annihilate him--I'm six five, 220 pounds, and there are two of me."

Cameron: "No. We can't do that--that'll cement our images as the Stan Gables of this movie and Zuckerberg as the dorky but lovable Skolnick. Also, Harvard men don't descend into the courts. Let's see the president of Harvard."

President Larry Summers: "What do you kids want?"

Tyler: "Mark Zuckerberg stole our idea for a website! And he won't give it back!"

Larry Summers: "And?"

Cameron: "Well, we were hoping for some some Dean Wormer-esque catch phrases at the very least. Something like ZUCKERBERG!!!"

Tyler: "Or Pasty, nerdy, and overly ambitious is no way to go through life, son."

Larry Summers: "I'm busy. I've got a reputation to establish as one of the Ivy League's most misogynistic presidents of all time. Out of my office, kids."

Tyler: "To the federal courts!"

Eduardo: "So, Mark, what about ad revenue?"

Mark: "Are you kidding? Facebook isn't about money. We want to preserve our cool image. No crazy pop ups--I want it to look clean and simple. If MySpace is a wild, sexy guy in a band, we're the disciplined, geek chic younger brother."

Eduardo: "But Mark--"

Mark: "Come on. Break out the Jack Daniels. I'm interviewing some new interns and doing more to rehabilitate the image of the hacker since that little girl who figured out how to close doors with Unix in Jurassic Park."

Sean Parker: "You've just slept with Napster co-founder Sean Parker, lucky lady."

Girl: *giggle* "Ooh, wow."

Sadako: "This is what happens in an age where no one steps up to fill the rock star void left empty by Conrad Birdie."

Sean Parker: "Hello, boys. I'm here to rock your world. Come on, I think I Can Haz Cheeseburger's hosting a party later tonight, and IMDb's definitely going to be there. Oh, and take the "the" out of your name. Just Facebook."

Sadako: "Was changing Four Chan to 4Chan also your idea?"

Eduardo: "I don't trust that Sean Parker. He's up to no good."

Sadako: "And I don't trust that Aaron Sorkin. Worst attempt to make me think extreme geekiness was cool since Bringing Down the House."

Eduardo: "Excuse me. I'd like to freeze this bank account."

Mark: "Asshole."

Eduardo: "Jerk."

Mark: "Chicken cannibalizer. Come on, let's call a truce. We've got a big investor, Peter Thiel."

Peter Thiel: "Eduardo! We'd like to give you a huge share in the company. Isn't it exciting?"

Eduardo: "Yeah!"

Peter Thiel: "Oops, your shares have been dissolved down to .03%."

Eduardo: "MARK! You betrayed me! I was your only friend and you betrayed me!"

Mark: "Sorry, Eduardo. You don't get rich by writing a lot of checks."

Eduardo: "But we were friends!"

Aaron Sorkin: "I wonder if the audience has gotten the message of the film yet."

David Fincher: "Better put it in the tagline, too."

Sean: "We're better off without him. Well, I'm off to a wild party with our underage intern, some blow, and the creators of Pandora. I'm sure this will end well."

*several hours later*

Sean: "Help! Mark! The cops came and we're in trouble and I don't know what to do!"

Mark: *sinister smile*

Single Female Lawyer: "You'll have to settle out of court, Mark. If this goes to trial, there's no way you'll win over a jury. Not with your weird Aspberger idiosyncrasies without the cuddly Rain Man or Adrian Monk persona. You'll pay off the Winklevoss twins, Divya, and Eduardo, and in the long run, it'll be like a speeding ticket."

Mark: *sigh* "Hm. Think I'll friend Erica. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh."

Sadako: "I always wondered how standing outside a girl's window after you've emotionally destroyed her and screaming Stella! would translate in the 21st century."