Thursday, October 7, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Mamma Mia!

I finally got around to snarking it! Mamma Mia, or the musical I like to refer to as a disco infused Maury Povich paternity test episode.

Friend #1: "Sophie, you're getting married! Isn't it wonderful?"

Friend #2: "And you're getting married in Greece, the most romantic place ever according to Travel magazine and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!"

Sophie: "There's just one thing. I read my mom's diary. Twenty years ago when my mom was ovulating, she decided to maximize her evolutionary potential with three mates."

Friends: "Whoa. Sophie!"

Sophie: "So I invited all three of my possible dads to come to my wedding so one of them can give me away. I'm not sure which one of them is my dad but I'm sure we can resolve that little issue in two acts. Come on, let's sing about my dad. Honey, honey, touch me baby..."

All: "Honey honey, how you thrill me...the way that you kiss good night, the way that you hold me tight, I feel like I wanna sing, when you do your...thing!"

Dr. Freud: "So tell me about your formative years."

Donna: "Rosie, my dowdy feminist friend! Tanya, my wild plastic surgery addicted friend! Welcome to my daughter's wedding!"

Sam, Bill, Harry: "Hello."

Sophie: "My mom doesn't know you guys are here. Why don't you hang out here without letting her know you've arrived? If you get bored there's a chapter of the organization Men With Dull Monosyllabic Names you could visit."

Donna: "Uh oh. Three one night stands from my past! I've been cheated by you and I think you know when..."

Sadako: "Funny how this talk of betrayal didn't make it into your journal."

Sam, Bill, Harry: "Hello, Donna."

Sam: "Don't worry. We know you're planning a wedding and we won't be any trouble. Harry's just on holiday and Bill's always up for a good adventure."

Donna: "And what about you?"

Sam: "I'm the Pierce Brosnan character and therefore the only legitimate love interest."

Donna: *sob*

Rosie: "Donna? What is it? Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong..."

Donna: "Um, well, my daughter's three possible dads are here..."

Tanya: "Three possible dads? You minx! Remember the old days? Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!"

Benny Andersson: "Do you enjoy the timeless classical disco stylings of ABBA? Order now and these can all be yours.

Sophie: "My three dads, don't go! Let's sing a song about you courting my mom."

Benny Andersson: "But wait! Order in the next five minutes and we'll throw in the filler songs that no one really likes."

All: "I can still recall our last summer..."

Harry: "I remember when I traded my Johnny Rotten t-shirt for a guitar for your mom."

Bill: "Ah, and flower power. That was big back in that nebulous vague period of time we all grew up in."

Sky: "Hey, Sophie. We're forty five minutes into this movie, and I figured I'd show up to remind everyone I'm your fiance."

Sophie: "Sky! Growing up fatherless has prompted me to obsessively imprint on the first man who shows me attention. You love me, Sky, right? I need validation and an excuse for a song about co-dependency."

Sky: "Don't goooo wasting your emooootion..."

Sophie: "I feel a kind of fear, when I don't have you near, unsatisfied, I skip my pride, I beg you, dear..."

Donna: "Who wants to hear another timeless classic from the golden days of disco? I mean, have a bachelorette party."

Sophie: "I just wish I knew who my dad was."

All: "Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight!"

Sadako: "I'm not sure this movie could get any more incestuous unless John Philips was invited to write a few extra songs."

Bill: "So how'd your mom get the money for this place?"

Sophie: "My mom lived with an old lady named Sofia when I was little. She left her the money to start this place up."

Bill: "My great aunt Sofia? But I heard that her money went to family. Wait a minute. How old are you?"

Sophie: "Twenty."

Bill: "Um. Will you excuse me a second?"

Sadako: "I know we're meant to think Bill is pondering whether or not he'd make a good dad, but I'd also like to think he's wondering about the society of homeless cats that would rightfully have gotten that money if Donna hadn't convinced Aunt Sofia she was the mother of Bill's love child."

Sophie: "Do you have kids, Harry?"

Harry: "No. Can we stop pretending it's meant to be a big revelation when you find out I'm gay?"

Bill: "I'm your dad! Don't worry, I'll give you away at your wedding."

Sam: "Me too!"

Harry: "Me too!"

Sadako: "Peer pressure rears its ugly head."

Sophie: "Sky? I have to tell you something. I have three possible dads and I invited--"

Sadako: "Yes, yes, we've all heard Honey Honey and been paying somewhat close attention to the plot."

Sky: "You did what?! Was this big white wedding just an excuse to find your father?"

Sophie: "No! I also thought it might launch a reality show that would be good publicity for my mom's hotel."

Sam: "Donna, this wedding's a mistake. Sophie's just doing it because she wants to stay here with you when she should be out on her own. Maybe if she thought she wasn't leaving you here on your own..."

Donna: "Shut up! I love being on my own! I'm free and I'm single and it's great!"

Sadako: "Uh oh. An unmarried woman proclaims that singlehood is a good thing? Cue the lonely woman on the verge of crying into her strawberry mocha ice cream about wishing she had a man sequence."

Sam: "Donna, I wish I could say this in words, but I need the haunting crescendo of a synthesizer to express my feelings. Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood. It used to feel so nice, it used to be so good..."

Donna: "So when you're near me darling can't you hear me S.O.S..."

Sadako: "Nothing more poignant than angst over a romance that happened twenty years and was wedged in between hook ups with Colin Firth and a hot Swede."

Pepper: "Come on, Tanya, let's hook up. It's always been my dream to hook up with a wealthy white lady."

Tanya: "Does your mother know..."

Pepper: "She's cool with it as long as you don't know what pre-nup means."

Sophie: "Mom, would you give me away at my wedding?"

Sadako: "That's sweet, but is the aisle of your tiny, quaint Greek chapel wide enough to accommodate four?"

Harry: "Wasn't I supposed to do something?"

Bill: "Me too. Was it seduce the dowdy feminist friend or walk my daughter down the aisle?"

Sky: "Sophie? Aren't we supposed to be pissed at each other based on the last time we saw each other?"

Sophie: "No, the drama's shifted to everyone publicly wondering who my daddy is."

Donna: "I just don't know!"

Sadako: "That's not what you told Aunt Sofia all those years ago when you were angling for the cash for a Greek Motel 6!"

Sophie: "Mom, you're my mother, and I love you, even if you've slept with hundreds of men."

Donna: "Aw. I'm not a slut, though, middle aged members of the audience--feel free to continue to identify with me."

Sam: "I don't mind being a 33% shareholder in the corporation that is fatherhood."

Bill: "So...this wasn't a scheme to hit us up for back child support? I'm cool with it. I'll be one third of your dad, too."

Harry: "King Solomon had the right idea. Cut me a third of my kid, please."

Sophie: "Sky, let's not get married. I got what I wanted--a huge wedding that my broke mom can barely pay for, which I'm not going to use. A parenting scheme modeled after Full House. The knowledge that a hot guy wants me. Let's just go travel around the world and then ask mom to give us our own taverna franchise."

Sadako: "Dammit, the movie poster promised me a walk down the aisle I'd never forget."

Sam: "Let's not let this cute, overseas wedding go to waste. Donna, based on the brief romance we had two decades ago, let's get married."

Donna: "Are you kidding? I am not a bigamist."

Sophie: "At least one of my parents isn't."

Sam: "Neither am I. I'm a divorced man who's been in love with you for 21 years but never thought to pick up the phone. I tried to find you after I left, but you'd shacked up with someone else. So I married someone else. But now I see you gave birth to what might be my child, and we're both single, and it's all very As Time Goes By for the trailer park set. Want to pick up where we left off?"

Donna: "I do, I do, I do, I do..."

Bill: "None of that's for me. I'm a writer. I'm a lone wolf. And I've had so little character development, I've got to stuff all my traits in at once when they give me a chance for dialog."

Rose: "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line..."

Bill: "Ew, desperate middle aged cooties."

Harry: "Did I drop enough hints that I'm gay?"

All: "Dancing queen..."