Thursday, October 21, 2010

Movies in a Minute: She's All That

DJ Usher: "Yo, yo, yo, what up? Sepia toned David Silver here to work in a little exposition. We're here at Harrison High, back from spring break, and it's 8 weeks till graduation day!"

Laney: "Lalala, art, art, art! Dark artsy brooding persona, lalala!"

Sadako: "Oh, high school, when being weird and vaguely artsy among generic types was enough to constitute a personality."

Zack: "Anyone seen my girlfriend, Taylor?"

Taylor: "Zack! Over spring break in Daytona, I met Brock Hudson from the second season of Real World. You're just a student body president. He's a reality TV star! Sorry, we're over."

Real Housewives of OC's Slade Smiley: "Add five pounds of make up, a little peroxide, and ten or fifteen Botox sessions, and you could be the next Mrs. Slade Smiley."

Dean: "Sorry, man."

Zack: "Look, it's all an illusion. Any girl could be Taylor Vaughan, with a little make up and a wonderbra. See that girl? Short, decent rack, a little bit Chelsea Clinton--with the right look and boyfriend, BAM! Any girl can be the next big thing."

Sadako: "Subtract the Tucker Max esque vibe and you just articulated's mission statement."

Dean: "Okay, I'll take you up on your bet. How about...her!"

Zack: "What?! No, not Laney Boggs. Anything else. Weird boobs, bad personality, maybe some kind of fungus!"

Dean: "I think Tori Spelling's seeing someone now."

Zack: "Come on. Anyone but Laney. It's 1999 and the hot librarian trope hasn't yet made it into popular culture!"

Dean: "Bet's a bet, man."

Zack: "So,, art?"

Jesse: "Go for it!"

Laney: "Are you serious?"

Jesse: "I'm the fat friend. Cheering you on and Twinkie binges are all I have."

Laney: "Sorry, Zack. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta out-pretentious Damien Hirst."

Zack: "Hack. E. Sack. Hack...E...Sack. Hack..."

Sadako: "Interesting. A self portrait?"

Laney: "Um, nice. I gotta go."

Zack: "Let's go to the beach now! Come on, it's either go to the beach or sit here playing outdated video games with your brother and listening to your dad drone on about the dead animals he drains out of my rich friends' swimming pool drains, while class conflict rears its ugly head."

Laney: "Well...okay."

Dean: "Hey, your girl has a pretty hot bod. Shame about the glasses. Too bad guys like us live our lives according to the teachings of Dorothy Parker."

Preston: "Wanna play volleyball, Laney?"

Chandler: "No, she doesn't. No offense, but I've seen you in gym class and you run like a girl!"

Laney: "Uh...I am a girl."

Sadako: "Nice try, but next time try You could be a farmer in that bathing suit."

All: "Volleyball, whoohoo!"

Laney: "I think you're standing on my neck."

Mackenzie: "I'm Zack's little sister, and I'm here to make you over for the party tonight. So, do you always wear your eyebrows in an homage to Frida Kahlo? And why don't you use make up?"

Laney: "My mom died before she could teach me the art of female insecurity."

Joey Potter: "You're a brunette who doesn't know she's hot, you love art, you're poor, and you work in the food services industry, and now your mom died before you hit puberty, too? So are you trying to usurp every part of my personality?"

Mackenzie: "Presenting the new, not improved, but different Laney Boggs! Laney! Get your cute butt down here--Sixpence None the Richer isn't sticking around past five."

All: "Whoa. Contacts. Short hair. Visible dirty pillows."

Taylor: "You're a waste of yearbook space. You're spam."

Sadako: "Oh yeah? Well, you're MySpace after Mark Zuckerberg arrived on the scene."

Laney: *sob* "I should never have come here!"

Zack: "Laney. We were having fun today. You were having fun. People saw you with me at the beach. People saw you walk in with me at the party. And my sister got to use you as her advanced practicum for her hair and make up class at the mall."

Usher: "Yo, yo. Back to infuse a little soul into this movie and catch you slower members of the audience up on the ins and outs of the plot. So, Taylor and Laney are both up for prom queen now! What's up with that?"

Zack: "Hey Laney. Nice painting. Is that your mom? Wow. She's beautiful."

Laney: "Too bad it wasn't hereditary."

Zack: "Yeah, that's true. So anyway--why do you shut everyone out?"

Laney: "What?!"

Zack: "Oh, hold that thought, gotta check the stats on the odds of you becoming prom queen."

Usher: Yo, if I could get with Laney, it'd be real cool, with the queen by my side, we'd run the whole school...

Sadako: "In case you were still wondering if you should choose Taylor or Laney, the hip black vote is going with Laney."

Usher: Yeah, yeah, she's all that!

Audience: "Ohhh. We get it now."

Dean: "I'm going to the prom with her now! You know, since you used Laney as a bet."

Laney: "Is that true? Am I a bet? AM I A FUCKING BET?"

Sadako: "Answer her, man. I've seen what she can do with just an egg and a frying pan when the withdrawal symptoms kick in."

Zack: How to convey shock, disappointment, and shame all at once?! Quick, man, think back to what you learned at the Joey Tribbiani school of acting. Divide 232 by 13. "...yes."

Dean: "Let's go to the prom, Laney."

Laney: "Okay."

Fatboy Slim: Funk's your brother, check it out now!

Usher: "Come on, white kids! Let's see that dance I taught you!"

Laney: "Is it time to hand jive yet?"

Sadako: "Urge to hurl slushies...rising..."

Jesse: "Hey. I'm Jesse Jackson."

Mackenzie: "I'm Mack."

Jesse: "So, hanging out with the male protagonist's little sister for the rest of the film. Okay."

Duckie: "Hey, man, be grateful. In the 80s, it was a lot worse for the dorky male best friend. We've come a long way, baby!"

Zack: "Laney! Jesse and Mack told me all about Dean and how he wanted to--

Laney: "Yeah, I told him it was sexual harassment and I didn't have to take it."

Zack: "I'm sorry about the bet. It was before I knew you and realized that underneath, you were a person with feelings and nice legs and a great chest."

Laney: "I feel just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, except with shorter hair and a non geriatric love interest."

Zack: "Whoohoo! Naked graduation!"