Monday, October 4, 2010

Boy Meets World in a Minute

Fred Savage: "I'm handing down the Savage brother tradition of the bildingsroman sitcom where a young kid matures into an adult. Think you can handle it?"

Cory: "Of course. I am...COMING OF AGE BOY!"

Shawn: "Cory, I threw a cherry bomb into a mailbox. What's going to happen to me?"

Sadako: "You'll be the sexiest thing to the preteen girl demographic since S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders made the middle school reading list."

Minkus: "Mr. Feeny, I know the answer to this one!"

Mr. Feeny: "All well and good, Mr. Minkus. But we're in high school now and everyone who isn't Cory, Shawn, Topanga and myself can join Miss Bliss and her class for cookies and apple juice before being wished away to the cornfield."

Eric: "Mr. Feeny, I just don't think I'm smart enough to go to college."

Mr. Feeny: "Nonsense, Mr. Matthews. If you truly apply yourself, you will get into a fine institution. And rampant grade inflation will take care of the rest."

Sadako: "Listen to him. He's mentored the young doctors at St. Elsewhere, most members of the Second Continental Congress, and even David Hasselhoff."

Mr. Turner: "Hi, everyone. I'm Jonathan Turner. Please, don't call me Mr. Turner--that's my dad's name!"

Mr. Feeny: "It's going to take a lot more than sitting backwards in a chair and a quirky set of neckties to reach these kids, Mr. Turner. It takes years to hone the craft. And to grow a convincing, slightly graying, mustache."

Cory: "Uh, Shawn, who is that?"

Shawn: "Oh, that's my older half brother. He's kind of a jerk."

Cory: "You have a half brother?"

Shawn: "Yeah, the writers thought it explained my angst."

Cory: "So, Topanga, for our anniversary gift I got you some patchouli oil and membership in Philadelphia's only vegan collective."

Topanga: "Silly Cory. Hippies are so season one. My new hobbies are layering my hair and whittling down my list of female friends."

Cory: "Shawn, want to dress up as a girl?"

Shawn: "Actually, yeah..."

Cory: "At last! The perfect woman! I mean, the perfect school newspaper assignment."

Producers of Quiz Show: "You guys are adorable! Edutainment won't be this much fun till a Hispanic three year old with a talking back pack arrives on the scene."

Mr. Feeny: "Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new book every six month. Yours gets a new web page every six seconds. How do you use it? To beat King Koopa and rescue the princess!"

Donkey Kong: "To be fair, some of them were using that knowledge for the worthy goal of helping me save my banana hoard from the Kremlings."

Topanga: "Cory, I'm moving away to Pittsburgh."

Cory: "No! You should stay here with me! We've been together all our lives!"

Sadako: "Let's just retcon away seasons one and two and the fact that you have more convincing chemistry with Shawn."

Mr. Mack: "Shawn, join our cult, Shawn."

Cult: "Shawn! We accept you, one of us, one of us!"

Mr. Turner: "Cults're bad, mmmkay, Shawn? If you join a club, mmkay, you're bad."

Cory: "Shawn, come on. Mr. Turner's been in a motorcycle accident."

Shawn: "No! I need Mr. Mack! Or barring that, for someone to read aloud from one of the Hare Krishna scenes in Face on the Milk Carton."

Cory: "Turner was there for you, Shawn, when you needed him. You owe him a nice monologue and a couple of tears before we rip down his apartment set and replace it with your new digs."

Mr. Turner: "But I followed all the rules! I took in a hard luck case. I made learning cool. I always wore a helmet."

Scarred Boy Meets World fans: "Where have you gone, Mr. Turner, a generation turns its lonely eyes to you."

Jack: "Hi, everyone. I'm new in town and was looking for a Philly cheesesteak, roommate, and a group of friends looking to fill the blandly cute role."

Shawn: "That guy's my half brother! His mom left my dad and he totally walked out on me for a better life! I still remember him, even though presumably he left before I was even a glint in my fertile daddy's eye."

Chet Hunter: "You should live with Jack and Eric, son. I've done a total of three weeks of parenting during your lifetime, and that's enough for anyone."

Joey Potter: "You want to fight it out for who has the worst father?"

Sadako: "I think Topanga wins. Three different dads and not one of them noticed that her older sister went MIA several seasons ago."

Jack: "Welcome home, Shawn. I hope you like it here."

Class Conflict: "ROAAAAAR!"

Lauren: "Hey, Cory. You look like the kind of guy who won't pen an embarrassing song called Lady L and who doesn't have a Neil Peart fetish. Wanna spend some time in my jacket?"

Topanga: "I knew it. All this time, you were fantasizing about someone with a normal name, weren't you? If I were an Alison, a Jennifer, or a Kelly, this would never have happened."

Cory: "Topanga, wait!"

Shawn: "Besides the meth lab next door in the trailer park, you guys were the only thing resembling stability in my life. Everything else I've ever loved disappeared after the closing credits: my mom, my creepy half brother, my off-screen sister, my mentor/favorite teacher, and even my pet pig."

Topanga: "I love you again, Cory. Out of love for you, I'm going to lead a Truman Show esque life by pretending my family, the Ivy League, and the world outside Philadelphia don't exist. Let's get married."

Rachel: "Hi boys. I'm a tall pale redhead, and all the guys want me."

Matthew Weiner, Mad Men Producer: "That's it! That's what's missing from my show!"

Feeny: "Good bye, students. As you head off into the world, some to raise awareness for the importance of naked mole rats, others to a lifetime of B list slasher movies, please look back on me fondly."

Cory: "Oh, Feeny, my Feeny."

Shawn: "Feeny, my Feeny!"

Eric: "Fa-ha-ha-eeny, my Feeny!"

David Hasselhoff: "Oh, Kitt, my Kitt!"