BSC #51: Stacey's Ex-Best Friend

Tag line: "Is Stacey super mature or just a super snob?" Can't she be both, like the late Earl Warren?

In this latest adventure, we get re introduced to Laine. As you guys may recall, Laine's Stacey's New York best friend--with an edge. When Stacey first found out she had the diabetus, Laine was the cutthroat Diana Ross to Stacey's long suffering Flo Ballard. They've made up since, but based on the title of this book, I'm assuming there's trouble in paradise.

Since Laine has time off from school, she tells Stacey she's having trouble deciding between getting felt up by the Limelight bouncer or huffing glue with her boyfriend King on the A train. So Stacey invites Laine to spend the week in Stoneybrook, even though the BSC is still in school. At first, Laine's all, "Darling, I love you but give me the Dakota," but Stacey convinces her to rough it for a while. Laine spends most of the week mocking the Babysitters Club and Stoneybrook. At the Valentine's Day dance at the middle school, she's rude to her date, Pete "Man Whore" Black, and finally she and Stacey have it out. Stacey eventually breaks it off with Laine.

B-plot: the BSC throws a V-Day party for the little kids.

'Round Springfield

Stacey shows Laine around town on their way in -- they've got a train station, a library, a movie theatre, a pizza place. And life is eventful in Stoneybrook. They plan parties for the younger contingency all the time. The gals watch the home shopping network to buy nail polish and ceramic clowns. And one time, Stacey even sore a blimp!

Candace Bushnell in training ain't having it. So Stacey tries to interest Laine in such small town pleasures as leaving a white towel out on the porch to signify to your next door friend that you want to walk to school with them, watching floating plastic bags dance on the horizon, and gambling on which of the Lisbon sisters will off herself next, Cecilia or Lux?

Sleepover party--break out the Mall Madness!

The BSC along with Laine have a slumber party. Laine thinks all their sleepover ideas (makeovers, gossip, stuffing themselves) are hella lame. But soon, the gang settles in to watch "To Kill a Mockingbird"--something they can all agree on. Despite being relatively erudite, my own favorite slumber party material is stuff like The Lost Boys or Grease, so I was kind of curious as to why a bunch of teenage girls would be so fascinated by this Turner Classic.

Stacey: "Gregory Peck is SO cute."

Claudia: "Personally I love the themes of maturation and integrity."

Dawn: "Yeah, but did Scout have to dress up as a ham at the end? Glorifying the use of meat is never cool. Couldn't they have used a tofurky?"

Jessi: "You know, you don't win friends with salad. Sorry, Dawn, this movie always gets me into my kill whitey mode."



The BSC plans the under eleven V-day party. (And no, they didn't take my advice of inviting Eve Ensler as special guest speaker.)

Jessi: "Nicky Pike has a crush on a girl in second grade. And Carolyn Arnold says she has a crush on an older boy."

Mallory: "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..."

Laine: "Um, they're eight. Is Stoneybrook technically part of Yemen?"

Workin' for the maaan.

Later, Laine scoffs at babysitting and informs the crew that she's going to be working in a real store, earning a real paycheck.

Laine: "I'm working in a boutique."

Kristy: "Your boss has my sympathies." (Zing!)

Sadako: "At thirteen? Seriously? If I hadn't sworn off making American Apparel jokes for Lent, I'd be saying, what is this place, Dov's House of Polyester--oh. Wait."

Girl talk!

Laine: "I'm on a diet. I need to drop five."

Stacey: "Why?"

Laine: "I'm so fat! And my nail beds suck. You should go on a diet, too."

Stacey: "Uh..."

Sadako: "Girls, didn't you get the memo? It's only OK to be thin if you're doing it for ballet or because you love the environment or have the diabetus. The only girls who diet in Ann M. world are girls who go to the mall for fun, chew gum, and babysit for the money instead of the sheer love of kids. Or anorexic side characters who get wished into the cornfield after the first time they pass out."

Party at SMS!

Laine: "Ugh. These refreshments are SO gross. And the portions are so small."

Stacey: "Be nice! Why don't you dance with Pete Black?"

Pete Black: "Yer purty."

Laine: "Yes."

Pete Black: "So, um, the doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger out of my nose."

Laine: "You're standing on my neck. Um, it's time for a binge. I mean purge."

Hot Guy: "You're decent looking. Is that your real nose? OK, I'll dance with you."

Laine: "The neg! My mating call! Hold my Coach bag, bitches! I'm in."

Pete Black: "But I cho-cho-chose you!"

Stacey: [to her date] "Austin?"

Austin: "Leave him be. It'll take time to get over this hurt."

Breaking up is pretty easy to do. (Well, back then you didn't have to wonder about Facebook unfriending etiquette and Twitter unfollowing.)

Stacey screams at Laine for being rude to a boy she's known for less than a week. Then Laine goes back to New York that night. Later, Stacey writes Laine a bitchy letter and sends it to her, along with half of the Claire's bought yin/yang necklace that symbolized both their friendship and the essence of relationships in the 90s.

I quote from Stace's letter: "First of all, I'm sorry about our fight. I'm not apologizing. I don't think the fight was my fault. But I'm sorry we had the fight."

This bodes well for Stacey's future relationships.

Stacey: "I'm sorry for hurling my ceramic clown at your head but I'm not apologizing."

Guy: "Wait, what?"

Stacey: "I'm sorry that it happened, but I'm not sorry. Can't you understand the difference?"

Guy: "No. Is it enough to state that I won't bring home any more toilet paper with pictures of bears on the packaging?"

In conclusion, I decided to present both sides. Laine and Stacey both come off pretty badly. Each sees the other as a caricature of suburban or urban life.

Laine's vision of Stacey.

Stacey: "I bought us matching mumus on the Home Shopping Network. Claud's going to bedazzle them tonight. Told you I was still a city gal at heart! Want to see my collection of stuffed animal cardigans?"

Stacey's vision of Laine

Laine: "I will spend the weekend in this suburban hellhole, but I must have an outlet. If you don't let me mock your small town and the pitiful excuse for a date that is Pete Black, I will go insane and I will take you with me!"

I definitely missed bringing the BSC snark. I think meeting the Lerangis and hearing about all the prequel hooplah has inspired me to return to it. You'll be seeing a lot more of it!

Movies in a Minute: Grease

As promised, it's another Movie in a Minute!

Sadako: "I don't remember there being this much Brylcreem in the ocean in From Here to Eternity. Whoops. Dammit, AMC, you told me it was Classics Week!"

Danny: "Aw, Sandy, this isn't the end. It's the beginning!"

Marty: "We're seniors."

Rizzo: "And we're gonna rule the school! Go Pink Ladies!"

Sadako: "Oh, is that name of your bingo league?"

Danny: "Aw, you guys don't wanna hear the horny details."

Sonny: "Yes we do!"

Putzie: "They're talking about invoking something called Megan's Law if we spend any more time at Rydell, and I STILL haven't gotten laid. Dish!"

Danny: "Summer lovin', had me a blast..."

Kenickie: "Did she put up a fight?"

Danny: "No, I totally roofied her."

Director: "Ahem! This is the fifties! Make it wholesome!"

Danny: "I mean, uh, I stuck a Mickey Flynn in her malt while we listened to Bobby Darin..."

Principal McGee: "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."

Sadako: "Hot."

Rizzo: "Surprise!"

Danny: "Sandy?!"

Sandy: "Danny!"

Danny: "Oh, yeah, well, it's cool baby, you know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and making up nonsensical dialogue because the scriptwriter went on sabbatical for this scene."

Sandy: "What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?"

Danny: "Yeah, well, what happened to your Australian accent?"

Rizzo: "Haha. I may have binged nonstop while listening to the Shirelles after our break up, but you dated the T-Bird equivalent of a fat chick."

Frenchy: "Aw, Sandy. I know you're bummed. How about we have a slumber party and invite the ex girlfriend of the guy who just blew you off? I'm sure that'll end well."

Sandy: "Uh, I don't smoke."

Rizzo: "Loser! I bet you haven't even been to the VD clinic!"

Sandy: "Well..."

Rizzo: "Bet you haven't even had a back alley abortion in between second and third period! Or been roofied at the sock hop!"

Sandy: "Okay! I'm not as cool as you!"

Rizzo: "Elvis, Elvis! Keep that pelvis far from me!"

Sadako: "Good god, I should hope so, considering that on the day this was filmed, it was filled with forty pounds of impacted feces."

Rizzo: "Lookin' good, Zuko."

Danny: "Sloppy seconds ain't my style, Riz."

Kenickie: "I don't care that you dated my best friend. I'm all over that!"

Rizzo: "Let's go, big guy."

Kenickie: "Oh crap. The condom broke."

Rizzo: "Oh what the hell."

Sadako: "Don't act like you're such a risk taker, Ms. Hot Flashes!"

Kenickie: "Go Greased Lightnin', we're--"

Danny: "Quiet, Taxi boy. Don't stand there and pretend you didn't screw my ex last night. This is my song now."

Kenickie: "But this is my car. It makes no sense for you to sing a song about MY car."

Danny: "And it makes no sense for you to mack on a dame who I've already marked my territory on. Now go stand in the back."

Rizzo: "Kenickie, you pig!"

Kenickie: "What was that all about?"

Rizzo: "I have no idea. It's in the script, though."

Frankie Avalon: "Beauty School Drop-Out..."

Sadako: "Quiet, Frankie Avalon. You aren't half the Frankie that Frankie Valli is. Wake me up when it's time for the National Bandstand Dance."

Marty: "Too bad we don't have dates to the dance."

Craterface: "I conveniently broke up with my skanky girlfriend. Want to go to the dance and then help me pop my bacne?"

Rizzo: "Throw in an early bird special and I'm there."

Sha Na Na: "Those hippies booed us off the stage at Woodstock. But there's a reason we're here singing the hits and Janis, Jim, and Jimi aren't!"

Marty: "Ooh, isn't Vince Fontaine DREAMY? He totally makes up for the fact that they didn't send Dick Clark."

Sonny: "Yeah, if you like older guys. What is this guy? Like eight months older than me? How creepy is that?"

Marty: "I'm Marty."

Vince: "Marty what?"

Marty: "It's spelled M-a-r-a-s-c-h-i-n-o but pronounced Jailbait."

Danny: "Time to dance with Cha Cha!"

Kenickie: "But that was my date--

Danny: "This is my movie, Conaway. Now go back to pretending to be shorter than me, and if you're good, we can discuss which girl was hotter, Cha Cha or Rizzo at the diner tomorrow, Candance Bushnell style."

Kenickie: "Yes, Mr. Travolta."

Danny: "Hey, Sandy, sorry I blew you off in front of my friends at the pep rally and that I danced with another girl without even checking to see if you were OK. Here's a ring I found on the ground. Be mine."

Sandy: "Aww, I can't stay mad at you."

Danny: "Since I apologized, I think you should do something nice for me. Rizzo always used to...um...yeah, during the movies, so...come on, baby, let's get physical, physical."

Sandy: "You're supposed to respect me and tell me what a bonza sheila I am! Not paw me during the previews, you oversexed wallaby!"

Danny: "What? What'd I do?"

Rizzo: "I feel like a broken typewriter. I skipped a period!"

Sadako: "We're not watching Grease anymore, are we?"

Kenickie: "I, uh, heard you got a bun in the oven. One thing I always do is take responsibility for my mistakes. I'm gonna go borrow my brother's boxing gloves. Meet you in the stairwell in twenty minutes?"

Rizzo: "Hey, it's some other guy's mistake."

Kenickie: "What?! Fucking Travolta."

Sadako: "Shut up, guys, time for the big race."

Kenickie: "Ouch! Car door slammed on my face!"

Danny: "What's wrong? Do you need me to drive for you?"

Kenickie: "No, I'm cool, I just--

Danny: "I SAID, I'm fine with driving. Now go sit down so I can take off these lifts. Oh, and we're cutting your backing vocals in Greased Lightnin'."

Sandy: "Danny won. If only I could have been there for him. Frenchy, you've dyed your hair pink and yellow and gave me tetanus trying to pierce my ears. You seem like the perfect person to give me a makeover."

Frenchy: "Sure! Break out the Stupid Spoiled Whore playset!"

Kenickie: "Rizzo, I'm gonna do right by you!"

Rizzo: "No, it's OK, I already fell down the flight of stairs!"

Kenickie: "Hot damn!"

Danny: "If Sandy wants a jock, that's what I'll be. Woah. Sandy."

Sadako: "Congratulations. There aren't many Sandys in movie musicals, and right now, you have less sex appeal than the one in Annie."

Sandy: "Tell me about it...stuuuu-

Sadako: "Sorry, babe. Jan's the hottest thing in this scene. And not just because you're going to need an intravenous supply of Monistat after this many hours sewed into those size negative ten leather pants."

Sandy: "...uuuud."

Danny: "Well, babe. We graduated high school with no real prospects or college acceptance letters."

Sandy: "Should we see if I can get a job stripping while you manage a Burger Joint?"

Danny: "Nah, let's just ascend into the sky."

In Which Sadako Dorks Out (or My Ten Minutes with Peter Lerangis)

Ann M. Martin is the creator of the BSC franchise. But the heart and soul of the BSC is definitely Peter Lerangis, who did a book signing here in Manhattan Sunday afternoon along with a bunch of other YA writers.

As you guys may know, Peter Lerangis not only ghostwrote for the BSC, he got the juiciest books. The books where Stacey McGill pulls a Diana Ross and distances herself from the club. The book where Kristy and Bart toyed with taking their relationship to the next level (featuring a realistic teen makeout session that made MJ and Lisa Marie's look torrid). And my all time favorite, Mary Anne's Makeover, the book that (along with Natalie Imbruglia circa Torn and Mia Farrow circa Rosemary's Baby) convinced me, several times, that I could pull off a pixie 'do.

The best part? Peter Lerangis is into the BSC blogosphere, and even knows and likes my blog. Later that afternoon at home I totally geeked out like Ryce in Beethoven, screaming, "He knows my name, he knows my name" while my stuffed bears stared glassy-eyed at me.

Fun facts? Peter's favorite characters were Stacey and Claudia.

The book I got signed was a copy of his newest book, WTF, as well as a copy of an old book, Spy X: Hide and Seek (sent to me by the lovely and talented Nikki of Are You There, Youth, It's Me, Nikki).

I am not worthy! I am not worthy!

Stay tuned for another full post tomorrow! Possibly another Movie in a Minute.

Movies in a Minute: the Lost Boys

In honor of Corey Haim's passing, I decided to do a Movies in a Minute version of The Lost Boys. This movie was essentially my Twilight, except that David could so take Edward. Actually, an aging wheelchair bound Mexican prostitute could take Edward. The Lost Boys is the timeless story of love in the time of vampires, directed by Joel "Let's put nipples on the batsuit" Schumacher.

David and his vampire cohorts stalk Santa Carla with a debonair bad boy take no prisoners air that left young Sadako breathless.

Security guard: "Dammit, you kids, I told you, you're not supposed to walk around on the merry go round while the ride is in motion. Stay off. Or I'll call for back-up!"

David: "Being a teen vampire is so awesome."

Sam (Corey Haim) and Michael (Jason Patric) have moved with their divorcee mother, Lucy (Dianne Wiest) to Santa Carla, the Murder Capital of the World, to live with their kooky old taxidermying Grandpa.

Sam: "Grandpa, you have a TV?"

Grandpa: "Don't need one. I read TV Guide! You know, in between making taxidermied animals."

All: "Oh, Grandpa!"

Sam: "Hi."

Edgar: "We hate vampires."

Alan: "Here's our card."

Sam: "So...what, you guys are Ghostbusters for vampires?"

Tim Capello: "I still belieeeeeeve."

Michael: "Whoa. Hot."

Director Joel Schumacher: "Well, are you sure he doesn't need more body grease?"

Michael: "Hi...I'm Jason--er, Michael. Sorry, I pretty much got cast because I was a Jim Morrison doppelganger."

Star: "I'm Star."

Michael: "She thinks I'm cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute."

David: "Come on, Michael. If you want to be one of us, you'll have to keep up. You know, ride with us. Wear our goofy threads. Feed Bunnicula when we go out of town."

Lou Gramm: "Say a little prayer tonight..."

Joel Schumacher: "Can we work in a song that also incorporates the song title? The audience might forget."

David: "Haha! Loser."

Michael: "Let's go, just you and me!"

David: "How far are you willing to go, buddy?"

Michael: "You tried to kill me, you mulletted James Dean!"

David: "Wuss!"

Michael: "Offensive driver!"

David: "Are you as turned on as I am? Well, to the vampire lair."

Michael: "Nice digs. Hot Jim Morrison poster."

David: "Thanks. We almost went with Starry Night."

David: "Have some noodles. Oops, no, you're eating worms. Kidding. Have some rice. You're eating maggots. Heh, psych, no, it's just rice. OK, now pull my finger. Pull my--where are you going? You have to drink a bottle of unidentified liquid that may or may not be my blood before we retire to the train tracks for a rousing game of chicken."

Max: "Hi. I own the local video store."

Lucy: "Hi..."

Sadako: "Aww, old people can be so sweet."

Joel Schumacher: "OK, cute Corey, your scene's up. Go sit in the bath and lather up. Interesting looking Corey, go buy me a diet Coke, and put on a bandanna to cover up your protruding brow."

Sam: "Is this scene really integral to my character?"

Joel: "Yes. It's...an homage. To...Janet Leigh in the shower in Psycho. Now make sure you show off that toned midriff of yours, slugger."

Michael: "Urge to feed. Rising."

Sam: "No reflection! You're either a ghost in a Tim Burton movie or a blood sucking creature of the night!"

Michael: "Star? What's happening to me?"

Star: "Michael, I can't help you, Michael. Michael, I don't know what to say. Michael."

Cue love scene.

Joel Schumacher: "Can we get a little nipple past the censors?"

Star: "I'm not that kind of girl, Joel!"

Joel Schumacher: "I was referring to the shirtless poster of Jim Morrison."

Lucy: "Michael, honey. Is everything OK? Are you all right?"

Michael: "Don't ask me again about my business, Mom!"

Lucy: "I'm going to go bring some wine over to Max to apologize."

Sam: "For what?"

Lucy: "For being a pre menopausal woman with kids who didn't so much as offer a hand job on the first date? Now--ahh!"

Thorn: "Don't come in the house!"

Lucy: "Ahh!"

Sadako: "That wasn't suspicious at all."

Lucy: "Max is coming over for dinner, so be good!"

Sam: "I wonder if HE'S the head vampire."

Sadako: "Hmm, let's see. He's appeared in several scenes, none of which are in daylight hours, and he's played by a fairly well known actor, and he's dating your mother, so using Law and Order and Fright Night logic, yeah, it's Max."

Max: "Well, I'm not coming in till I'm invited."

Michael: "I did just find out that I'm turning into a vampire, but I don't see anything suspicious or weird about that. So, OK. You're invited in."

Sam: "Mom, these are my friends, the Frog brothers. Aren't they so ugly they're cute? We're here to prove once and for all that Max is a vampire!"

Max: "This is...awkward. Sam, I don't want to replace your dad. I just want to be your pal, OK?"

Sam: "I don't want a dad who's a vampire! Mom, why couldn't you have dated Bill Cosby? Even Ghost Dad would be better than this."

Lucy: "Sam. I'm a middle aged women with kids who managed to attract a reasonably attractive employed guy. I have a greater chance of getting hit by lightning than of remarrying. I don't care that his dog pulled a Cujo on me. I don't care if he's a vampire. I don't even care if he's a gay Humbert Humbert!"

David: "Initiation's over, Michael. Time to make your first kill. Vampires get to stay out all night and sleep all day. They get to wear bleached blond mullets and still look hot. Isn't it fun? Now, what color mullet do you want -- the Lita Ford or the Diana Ross?"

Michael: "I can't do it. I just can't vamp out."

David: "The Cyndi Lauper, then?"

Sam: "Come on! Let's vampire hunt. To the hideout."

Edgar: "Ah! They looked at us!"

Alan: "With their EYES!"

Sam: "Should we burn down their hiding place while it's still day?"

Edgar: "No, we practice defensive vampire hunting. Let's go back to your house and wait till they attack us at night."

Alan: "We got the one who looked like Twisted Sister."

Sadako: "So that would be everyone except Max."

Sam: "I got Bill S. Preston, Dead and Loving It."

David: "Join us, Michael. Become one of us. Be the Louis to my Lestat. The Mina Harker to my Dracula. The Blacula to my Dracula. Come on, you know you want me."

Joel Schumacher: "Okay, Kiefer, tear your shirt a little, Captain Kirk style. We need thirty more seconds of nipplage if this movie's gonna get a mention in The Celluloid Closet."

David: "My blood is in your veins."

Michael: "So's mine."

Sadako: "I don't mean to get all Ryan White on you guys, but it's the mid 80s, and are you sure that's a good idea?"

Edgar: "Wait, we defeated David, but nothing's changed."

Max: "Turns out I was the head vampire. Never invite a vampire into your house, kids. Lucy, it was you I wanted all along. I have a Peter Pan complex, and I need a mom to mother my orphan vampires."

Lucy: "Well...I could do a lot worse. At least he doesn't wear socks with sandals."

Sam: "No, Mom, don't do it! We'll be one of them and we won't be able to buy Count Chockula cereal without Max giving us a lecture about harmful stereotypes and honoring our vampire heritage!"

Grandpa: "Wacky old grandpa's here to save the day! Deus ex Grandpa! One thing I never could stand about Santa Carla, all the damn vampires."

All: "That's our Grandpa!"

Tim Burton: "Tell me again why Joel took over the Batman franchise?"