Thursday, March 18, 2010

Movies in a Minute: the Lost Boys

In honor of Corey Haim's passing, I decided to do a Movies in a Minute version of The Lost Boys. This movie was essentially my Twilight, except that David could so take Edward. Actually, an aging wheelchair bound Mexican prostitute could take Edward. The Lost Boys is the timeless story of love in the time of vampires, directed by Joel "Let's put nipples on the batsuit" Schumacher.

David and his vampire cohorts stalk Santa Carla with a debonair bad boy take no prisoners air that left young Sadako breathless.

Security guard: "Dammit, you kids, I told you, you're not supposed to walk around on the merry go round while the ride is in motion. Stay off. Or I'll call for back-up!"

David: "Being a teen vampire is so awesome."

Sam (Corey Haim) and Michael (Jason Patric) have moved with their divorcee mother, Lucy (Dianne Wiest) to Santa Carla, the Murder Capital of the World, to live with their kooky old taxidermying Grandpa.

Sam: "Grandpa, you have a TV?"

Grandpa: "Don't need one. I read TV Guide! You know, in between making taxidermied animals."

All: "Oh, Grandpa!"

Sam: "Hi."

Edgar: "We hate vampires."

Alan: "Here's our card."

Sam: "So...what, you guys are Ghostbusters for vampires?"

Tim Capello: "I still belieeeeeeve."

Michael: "Whoa. Hot."

Director Joel Schumacher: "Well, are you sure he doesn't need more body grease?"

Michael: "Hi...I'm Jason--er, Michael. Sorry, I pretty much got cast because I was a Jim Morrison doppelganger."

Star: "I'm Star."

Michael: "She thinks I'm cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute."

David: "Come on, Michael. If you want to be one of us, you'll have to keep up. You know, ride with us. Wear our goofy threads. Feed Bunnicula when we go out of town."

Lou Gramm: "Say a little prayer tonight..."

Joel Schumacher: "Can we work in a song that also incorporates the song title? The audience might forget."

David: "Haha! Loser."

Michael: "Let's go, just you and me!"

David: "How far are you willing to go, buddy?"

Michael: "You tried to kill me, you mulletted James Dean!"

David: "Wuss!"

Michael: "Offensive driver!"

David: "Are you as turned on as I am? Well, to the vampire lair."

Michael: "Nice digs. Hot Jim Morrison poster."

David: "Thanks. We almost went with Starry Night."

David: "Have some noodles. Oops, no, you're eating worms. Kidding. Have some rice. You're eating maggots. Heh, psych, no, it's just rice. OK, now pull my finger. Pull my--where are you going? You have to drink a bottle of unidentified liquid that may or may not be my blood before we retire to the train tracks for a rousing game of chicken."

Max: "Hi. I own the local video store."

Lucy: "Hi..."

Sadako: "Aww, old people can be so sweet."

Joel Schumacher: "OK, cute Corey, your scene's up. Go sit in the bath and lather up. Interesting looking Corey, go buy me a diet Coke, and put on a bandanna to cover up your protruding brow."

Sam: "Is this scene really integral to my character?"

Joel: "Yes. It' homage. To...Janet Leigh in the shower in Psycho. Now make sure you show off that toned midriff of yours, slugger."

Michael: "Urge to feed. Rising."

Sam: "No reflection! You're either a ghost in a Tim Burton movie or a blood sucking creature of the night!"

Michael: "Star? What's happening to me?"

Star: "Michael, I can't help you, Michael. Michael, I don't know what to say. Michael."

Cue love scene.

Joel Schumacher: "Can we get a little nipple past the censors?"

Star: "I'm not that kind of girl, Joel!"

Joel Schumacher: "I was referring to the shirtless poster of Jim Morrison."

Lucy: "Michael, honey. Is everything OK? Are you all right?"

Michael: "Don't ask me again about my business, Mom!"

Lucy: "I'm going to go bring some wine over to Max to apologize."

Sam: "For what?"

Lucy: "For being a pre menopausal woman with kids who didn't so much as offer a hand job on the first date? Now--ahh!"

Thorn: "Don't come in the house!"

Lucy: "Ahh!"

Sadako: "That wasn't suspicious at all."

Lucy: "Max is coming over for dinner, so be good!"

Sam: "I wonder if HE'S the head vampire."

Sadako: "Hmm, let's see. He's appeared in several scenes, none of which are in daylight hours, and he's played by a fairly well known actor, and he's dating your mother, so using Law and Order and Fright Night logic, yeah, it's Max."

Max: "Well, I'm not coming in till I'm invited."

Michael: "I did just find out that I'm turning into a vampire, but I don't see anything suspicious or weird about that. So, OK. You're invited in."

Sam: "Mom, these are my friends, the Frog brothers. Aren't they so ugly they're cute? We're here to prove once and for all that Max is a vampire!"

Max: "This is...awkward. Sam, I don't want to replace your dad. I just want to be your pal, OK?"

Sam: "I don't want a dad who's a vampire! Mom, why couldn't you have dated Bill Cosby? Even Ghost Dad would be better than this."

Lucy: "Sam. I'm a middle aged women with kids who managed to attract a reasonably attractive employed guy. I have a greater chance of getting hit by lightning than of remarrying. I don't care that his dog pulled a Cujo on me. I don't care if he's a vampire. I don't even care if he's a gay Humbert Humbert!"

David: "Initiation's over, Michael. Time to make your first kill. Vampires get to stay out all night and sleep all day. They get to wear bleached blond mullets and still look hot. Isn't it fun? Now, what color mullet do you want -- the Lita Ford or the Diana Ross?"

Michael: "I can't do it. I just can't vamp out."

David: "The Cyndi Lauper, then?"

Sam: "Come on! Let's vampire hunt. To the hideout."

Edgar: "Ah! They looked at us!"

Alan: "With their EYES!"

Sam: "Should we burn down their hiding place while it's still day?"

Edgar: "No, we practice defensive vampire hunting. Let's go back to your house and wait till they attack us at night."

Alan: "We got the one who looked like Twisted Sister."

Sadako: "So that would be everyone except Max."

Sam: "I got Bill S. Preston, Dead and Loving It."

David: "Join us, Michael. Become one of us. Be the Louis to my Lestat. The Mina Harker to my Dracula. The Blacula to my Dracula. Come on, you know you want me."

Joel Schumacher: "Okay, Kiefer, tear your shirt a little, Captain Kirk style. We need thirty more seconds of nipplage if this movie's gonna get a mention in The Celluloid Closet."

David: "My blood is in your veins."

Michael: "So's mine."

Sadako: "I don't mean to get all Ryan White on you guys, but it's the mid 80s, and are you sure that's a good idea?"

Edgar: "Wait, we defeated David, but nothing's changed."

Max: "Turns out I was the head vampire. Never invite a vampire into your house, kids. Lucy, it was you I wanted all along. I have a Peter Pan complex, and I need a mom to mother my orphan vampires."

Lucy: "Well...I could do a lot worse. At least he doesn't wear socks with sandals."

Sam: "No, Mom, don't do it! We'll be one of them and we won't be able to buy Count Chockula cereal without Max giving us a lecture about harmful stereotypes and honoring our vampire heritage!"

Grandpa: "Wacky old grandpa's here to save the day! Deus ex Grandpa! One thing I never could stand about Santa Carla, all the damn vampires."

All: "That's our Grandpa!"

Tim Burton: "Tell me again why Joel took over the Batman franchise?"