Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Free Willy


Somewhere in a network executive's office.

Executive #1: "The writers are on strike today, so it's up to us. So far we have a rehashing of E.T., except instead of an alcoholic alien with salad fingers, we have a sober orca. Now we're coming up with names for the whale. Something inoffensive that they can't pick apart on SNL or MADtv, nothing with any sexual or drug reference at all."

Executive #2: "How about...Whaley?"

Executive #1: "Did you put ANY thought into this at all? We have to give it a real name. Okay, um...Whale...Whaley...um....Willy! See? Now that's an original name."

Executive #2: "Free Willy. I don't see any problems with that. Why do the writers give me such agita about coming up with names?"

We open on the beauty and majestic of the mighty orcas.

Orcas: "We're so freaking cute."

Whale catchers: "OK, the Whale Wars guys used up all of their stinky butter. Let's move in. Hey there, lil whale, you wanna be a star?"


Perry: "Jesse, you escaped from foster care and stole a wedding cake from some absent minded caterers. What're you gonna do now?"

Jesse: "I'm going to SeaWorld! Break out the graffiti and on with the PG rated scrapes."

Social Services: "OK, Jesse. You're a loose cannon. But I'm going to give you one more chance. You gotta clean up your graffiti and live with a real family. This here is Glen and Annie."

Director: "Michael? We put your character's name in a label on your shirt so you won't forget."

Glen: "Great, great. So...you like baseball?"

Jesse: "You're not my real parents! My mom's coming back for me!"

Glen: "Yeah, I know how you feel. Quentin Tarantino dropped me off here saying he'd be back with another charismatic hit man role, and it's been a whole year."

Jesse: "Ooh. Whale."

Willy: "Kid, I got issues. I get so many flashbacks, I make Ron Kovic look well adjusted."

Jesse: "I finished up the graffiti. Now it's time to move on. Take good care of yourself, Willy. I'll never see you again. Ah, I tripped over a plot contrivance!"

Willy: "He fell in! Okay, now it's Willy's time to shine."

Jesse: "You saved my life!"

Willy: "Dammit! Every time I try to savor my long pork, it wakes up and walks away. Bite off the heads FIRST."

Randolph: "What the hell were you doing in the whale tank?! Even I can't go near him and whales were my people's spirit animal!"

Jesse: "Willy and I just see eye to eye."

Randolph: "See nothing. That whale could have turned you into a low IQ Stephen Hawking, and he didn't. Trust me. You've got a bond. I know these things. I'm a Native American. See the whale lladro and dream catchers?"

Jesse: "Why is Willy's dorsal fin drooped over like that?"

Rae: "Being in captivity and knowing that whales all over the world are being hunted for sport kills Willy's soul and reason to live. Come on, let's sort salmon for Willy. It's like chocolate to him!"

Willy: "Oh, wow, more fish, I'm really impressed. Can't you get me Namu's number?"

Bad guy #1: "I hate that whale."

Bad guy #2: "Why?"

Bad guy #1: "Because he's not bringing in profits, and because I hate anything that brings joy to a small child. Laughter gives me ulcers."

Rae: "Willy's got a real bond with Jesse. Maybe we could put on a show and Willy could earn his keep, and Dial won't sell him!"

Perry: "Hey, Jesse. It's your wrong side o' the tracks friend here to provide some dramatic tension..."

Willy: "Old friends, new friends. Awkward. I'll leave you two alone."

Perry: "Wanna go with me to California? I'm in a new line of work, I could hook you up."

Jesse: "A line of work that's perfect for a supple young bruised teenager. Sounds tempting, but I'll stay here with the future Shamu."

Evil guy #1: "Ooh, I hate that whale, dagnabit! That whale is better off dead than alive. You know, on account of the insurance money."

Rae: "Willy's ready to earn his keep! We can help him do a show and he'll earn money."

Evil dude #1: "Okay, but he screws up once and he's gonna end up at a glue factory in Tokyo."

Willy: "Can I tour the Hello Kitty factory while I'm there?"

Annie: "Jesse, honey, we're so proud of you!"

Glen: "Harvey? Steve? You guys heard from Quent--oh, yeah. Knock 'em dead at the big...game?...chess tournament...tap dance..."

Annie: "Whale show."

Glen: "Whale show, right."

Kids down below: "WILLY! WILLY! We love you Willy! Oh yes we do. We love you, Willy, and we'll be true..." *BANG* *BANG*

Willy: "Nooooo, flashbacks! My PTSD, alcoholism, and anger at The Man is kicking in! I can't take it! Urge to play Russian Roulette...rising..."

Jesse: "Come on, Willy. Dance, monkey! What's the matter?"

Willy: "Something suddenly came up?"

Jesse: "You've betrayed me for the last time. I'm going to California. No whales allowed...What the--what's going on?"

Bad guy #2: "There's a hole in the whale tank."

Bad guy #1: "Then fix it, dear Henry, dear--wait, no. Let's kill Whaley Loman here and collect the insurance money!"

Bad guy #2: "Won't the flooding cause irreparable damage to our park and its reputation? Couldn't we just sell him to Troy McClure's North American Man Whale Love Association?"

Bad guy #1: "But killing an adorable orca will result in like, thousands of evil points. Step one, evil. Step two. Step three...profit!"

Jesse: "That's it! We gotta free Willy before they kill him! He's homesick for his family, and that's why he's been so angry and tormented!"

Sadako: "You've JUST now figured this out? Willy would have been better off waiting till Whale Rider girl was immaculately conceived."

Randolph: "Well. I need this job. But what would my ancestor Iron Eyes Cody say? He teared up over one empty can -- imagine how he'd feel about a bloated whale carcass? I'm in."

Rae: "Wait, you can't free Willy without Tank Girl!"

Glen: "Renegade, potentially illegal action? Parenting just got fun. Count me in, too. On the way home can we saw off a cop's ear?"

Evil dudes: "Stop! Stolen property."

Randolph: "Pfft. You can't, like, OWN property, man."

Evil dude #1: "What about that casino you own stock in upstate?"

Randolph: "I blame my spirit animal."

Jesse: "Come on, Willy. Swim! Swim!"

Generic evil dude: "Get over here, kid!"

Glen: *Punch* "That's my boy! God, I love that feeling."

Jesse: "You really do love me!"

Glen: "Ah, yes...I love you."

Evil dude #1: "Well, you did our best, and you failed. Willy's whalemeat. If you're good, we'll send you some blow hole."

Jesse: "No! It's not over yet. Willy! Come on, boy!"

Evil dude #1: "Hmmm. Let's make no attempt whatsoever to stop the kid."

Annie: "Let's make no attempt whatsoever to stop Willy from accidentally going all Catherine the Great on our boy."

Jesse: "You did it! Go Willy!"


R. Kelly: "Wouldn't this be the perfect place for I Believe I Can Fly?"


Michael Jackson: "Save it for Space Jam, Puddles. This one's mine."

Willy: "All right! We're crashing a yacht? Turn off the family friendly music, and I'm there."