Thursday, May 6, 2010

If These Websites Could Talk

What if the websites we know, love, and obsess over like a junkie extra on The Wire could speak their minds? What would Jezebel, Wiki, Twitter, Amazon (and the rest!) say?

Jezebel: "The airbrushing, Duke, the celebrity airbrushing!"

"Uh, years of exposure to Maxim, Esquire, and Parade magazine have left me blind to it, kid."

Craigslist: "You won't get herpes from looking at our site. You'll just feel like you have it."

Amazon: "Customers who bought what you looked at also went on to buy a propeller beanie, pajamas featuring dogs playing poker, and the bobble headed demon thing that was running Shatner's life in that Twilight Zone episode. No, really. We swear. 78% of them. Totally not messing with you."

MySpace: "Want to come to my cousin's boyfriend's band practice? They're called Alien Autopsy. Frozen Embryos are going to be there, too. It's supposed to be really cool--nah, man, it's fine if you can't make it. We're going to be in the garage at Tino's place if you want to come."

Feministing: "Trigger warning. The following posts may include depictions of rape, incest, anorexia/bulimia, sizeism, sexism, racism, people who are more attractive than you are, sanitary napkins without adhesive wings, polysyllable words, high fructose corn syrup, and other things and people whose backs will be up against the wall when the Revolution happens."

Wikipedia: "I heard you're a pyromaniac who was incontinent till you were six--woah, don't get pissy at me. I was about to say, cite needed. You know I'm allowed to say whatever I want if I put that little note there, right?"

xkcd: "No, boy who does crossword puzzle for fun and girl who made it through college on a boggle scholarship, your endearing quirkiness won't make understanding this site any easier. We've prepared study guides for those of you willing to learn. For the rest, back to Big Bang Theory for cuddly, free range nerds." Broadsheet: "Do you have a women's studies degree from a liberal arts east coast school? Does it bother you that no one can see institutional racism, sexism, and otherism in something as simple as a rubber houseplant sold in a bodega? Do you still wake up in a cold sweat from the Dolce & Gabbana gang rape ad? Would you rather analyze Perez Hilton's sexist commentary on Lindsay Lohan than the rates of female genital mutilation? Come write for us!"

Questionable Content:
Dora: "It's always Faye, Faye, Faye! Faye with her square framed glasses, short boyish hairdo, and zaftig figure! I just can't compete."

Twitter: "Want to hear Perez Hilton trying to win a Darwin award, or Billy Corgan and Courtney Love working out their sexual tension? Neither do I. Kill me now."

Google: "Hey, how's it going? Got your mail okay? That's awesome. See you around." [Time lapse.] "Heyyyyy, I noticed you checking out some cool videos. I can recommend you some really good ones if you're interested. No? Okay." [Time lapse.] "Oh, it's you again! According to the buzz, two of your friends are having a really cool party--hey, I see you're looking a bit scared. Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is great for people who are worried about being stalked--want me to find it for you?"

NYTimes: "We still feel you should get newsprint all over your hands and pay for the privilege, but we'll condescend to venture into the morass that is the Interwebs. And fine. We'll even add a 'web-log'--no we won't call it a 'blog'--dammit! Arianna, why do we have to do this again?"

Pandora: "Free music! Free music! All you have to do is sit through this advertising session, and then free music whenever and however you want it--any time, any place. We promise."

Sadako: "Don't do it! It's like musical time share!"

Netflix: "We brought the movies right to your house. Now we bring the movies right to your computer. Soon we'll bring the movies right to your brain."

Twitter: "...I'm not kidding. R.L. Stine just tweeted about his back hair. Please, put me out of my misery. One wet hairdryer should do it."

eHarmony: "A diverse singles community for the keen on Jesus crowd! Just last week we matched up two singles living all the way across the street from each other in Birmingham, the only two members of the Westboro Baptist Church's San Francisco chapter, and two distantly related Duggars."