Monday, May 31, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Scream

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Disembodied Voice: "What's your favorite scaaaaary movie?"

Casey: "Teehee. Oh...I don't know...Halloween? How you doin'?"

DV: "Okay, answer this question right and I might not gut you like a fish. Who was the killer in Friday the 13th?"

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Casey: "Jason!"

DV: "Trick question! It was Mother Voorhes! Die, bitch."

Sadako: "No, trick question, it was director Sean Cunningham and the victim was the horror genre."

Billy: *climbing in through window*

Sadako: "Those of you playing ID the plot points that got used in Dawson's Creek, mark down window climbing. Ten to one says the girl in this scene has an ambiguously sexed name a la Joey Potter."

Billy: "Sidney, want to have sex?"

Kevin Williamson: "Make it more film-reference-y!"

Billy: "Er, our relationship is so edited for TV."

Sidney: "I'm just not ready for sex."

Kevin Williamson: "No! The audience doesn't get it yet!"

Sidney: "Let's keep things PG-13."

Kevin Williamson: "More!"

Billy: "Did I mention my last name is Loomis as in Halloween AND Psycho?"

Sidney: "Shit. I can't believe Casey died. That reminds me of my murdered mother."

Sadako: "Brunette, dead mom, non-cavalier attitude about sex? Joey Potter, is that you?"

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Sidney: "Hello?"

Disembodied Voice: "What's your favorite scary movie?"

Sidney: "Billy?! You're the killer?"

Tatum: "It's okay, Sidney. They're gonna catch the killer, right, Deputy Dewey?"

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Dewey: "Tatum, Mama said that when I wear this uniform, you treat me like a man of the law!"

Sadako: "Younger sibling busting the balls of older sib in law enforcement. Is that the outline of Pacey Witter and Deputy Dougie I see before me?"

Billy: "No, it actually wasn't me. Come on, Sidney. Don't you think you're making such a big thing out of putting off sex? I know you're upset about your mom, but it's been a whole month since they put her butchered body into her Y-shaped coffin. Why aren't you warm for my form?"

Gale: "Serious journalist here."

Dewey: "Hi."

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Gale: "Ooh, my shot at getting a longer name in the credits of my sitcom. That'll show Jen."

Friends producer: "Thanks, David. Really."

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Randy: "Everyone's a suspect you know. I bet Billy faked not being the killer so we'd stop suspecting but it's really him! Or maybe it's her unseen father. Or--um, I'm starting to fade. Someone hand me my meta-amphetamines."

Kevin Williamson: "Hey Tatum? Put on this bra with built in nipples so the audience won't feel too bad when you die. Now off to the garage with you."

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Tatum: "Why do I have to die now? It's my revealing clothes and large breasts, right?"

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Randy: "Yes. I mean, look at Jamie Lee Curtis. She never showed her tits in Halloween, morons. She was the virgin. Only virgins survive in horror movies."

Sidney: "Hmm. You know what, Billy? Let's go all the way."

Kevin Williamson: "Neve. Read the line as it was written."

Sidney: "I mean, I don't want my life to be a PG-13 movie anymore. Let's make it a Traci Lords double penetration gang bang. God, Kevin, where do you come up with this stuff?"

Kevin Williamson: "Creativity takes you down some pretty dark alleys."

Sidney: "So, Billy, were you really the killer? I was kind of wondering before but I figured it wouldn't make for great foreplay."

Billy: "What do I have to do to prove I'm not the killer--Ouch."

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Sidney: "Shit! Ghostface just killed Billy! I don't know who the killer is anymore! Everyone just get out!"

Billy: *bang*

Sidney: "Billy?! You're alive! And you shot Randy!"

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Billy: "We all go a little mad sometimes. Anthony Perkins, Psycho. And this blood is actually corn syrup, as in Carrie. And my vulnerable but sexy expression? Johnny Depp in Cry-Baby."

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Stu: "I was in on it, Sid. We killed your mom, too. Prepare to die, Sidney."

Sidney: "In your dreams."

Kevin Williamson: "Could you add, or should I say, Wes Craven's New Nightmare?"

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Randy: "Look, it's the final scene of the movie where it just goes on and on again and you wish it would end."

Sadako: "Look, it's the typical movie loving Kevin Williamson protagonist. Where's his virginal brown haired tomboyish love interest?"

Kevin Williamson: "On the cutting room floor with the blonde New York transplant subplot."

John Fogerty: "Kev, you take self plagiarizing to a whole new level, and coming from me, that means something."

Randy: "Hey Sidney? Want to hit up a PTSD Survivors Meeting and then watch me MSTK a Meg Ryan movie?"

Sidney: "Wipe the Jamie Lee Curtis induced spooje off your pants and we're on."

Randy: "Don't try to change me, baby."