Monday, May 24, 2010

Movies in a Minute: The Craft

Sarah: "First day in a new school, drag."

Bonnie: "Nancy, Rochelle, I saw a girl twirling a #2 pencil on her desk without touching it! Can we let her into our coven? We need a fourth--the post chanting bridge games are a bust."

Nancy: "She looks too pure to be Wiccan."

Chris: "Hey Sarah, I'm a football QB. I'm a Sagittarius, I love long walks on the ten yard line, and in my spare time, I enjoy rearranging my Rohypnol collection."

Sarah: "Oh, hey. So what's with the Goth Talk rejects?"

Chris: "The one on the far right is Nancy--we think that that's really Robert Smith with a sex change and new identity as a Catholic schoolgirl. And in the middle is Bonnie--she never washes her hair and lets it fall in her face. And that's Rochelle. I can't insult her because she's the token."

Nancy: "You shouldn't hang out with Chris. He spreads disease. I speak from experience. I'm still on my last round of Cipro."

Rochelle: "You should hang with us. We can show you the best combination of silver face jewelry and black knee socks to wear to the Marilyn Manson box socials."

Bonnie: "Come on, we're going to shoplift at the New Age store."

New Agey Woman: "Sarah, you're not like the others. You didn't steal any of my Cherokee Hair Tampons. I sense the power in you. Maybe you are a natural witch."

Sarah: "So who's this Manon guy?"

Nancy: "Manon's awesome. He's Nature, he's everything, he's all around us. He's like Marilyn Manson, Siouxie Sioux, and Anton LeVey all wrapped up in one hot package."

Sarah: "Well, I gotta jet, guys. It's been cool, but now that I've got hair extensions and gave Joe my notice at Empire Records, I want to start having a cool life. Maybe we can, ah, secret friends."

Chris: "Wanna sleep with me? No? OK, cool. Just told everyone you were a lousy lay."

Sarah: "Great. Back to befriending the witches."

Rochelle: "I've got to go--swimming practice."

Laura: "Ugh. Get your nappy hairs away from me. I don't hang out with negroids."

Don Imus: "Want to come work for me? We were looking for a hot but freakishly bald racist chick--someone to be the Robin Givens to my Howard Stern."

Bonnie: "Doctor, will this experimental treatment work to cure me of the horrible burns on my body and my general shy girl demeanor?"

Doctor: "Who knows? I saw it on The Exorcist, so I'm sure it'll work."

Nancy: "STOP IT!"

Stepdad: "You sure are wearing a clingy robe, Nancy. Heh. Heh. Where'd I put my Do Not Resuscitate sticker the director gave me?"

Nancy: "Let's use Magic to get what we want. A dead stepdad and a blinged out trailer home for me, a pussywhipped Chris for Sarah, a years supply of Pantene for Bonnie, and an end to racism or a call from Jesse Jackson for Rochelle."

Doctor: "Bonnie, the treatment worked! You can wear tight tops and your hair's longer and more voluminous than ever!"

Bonnie: "Look! I'm PH balanced, bitches!"

Lawyer: "Mrs. Downs, your now dead husband had a $175,000 insurance policy."

Nancy: "Goodbye Pervy Loman, hello campy jukebox infested high rise!"

Rochelle: "Uh oh..."

Laura: "I'm bald and heinous looking and now no one but Mr. Furious will ever love me!"

Chris: "I love you, Sarah. I can't get you out of my head. Now hold still."

Nancy: "Chris tried to rape you? Fuck that shit. He was supposed to try to rape me. How come I only get a mild come on from my overweight stepdad and you get a full on rape attempt from the class Johnny Depp?"

Nancy: "Come on, Chris. You know you want me."

Chris: "Get off me. Lipstain in ebony is really hard to scrub off my junk."

Nancy: "I'm tired of being jolie laide. Time for girl next door redux! Hey Chris...Look. I can morph! I can be Michael Jackson or Tyra Banks or a Chinese woman or even Sarah!"

Chris: "Whoa. Sarah? Why don't we do it on the coats at a house party?"

Sarah: "O-kay. This is all very Single White Wiccan."

Chris: "What the fuck. You're a witch? A jealous witch!"

Nancy: "JEALOUS? You don't even EXIST to me! You're NOTHING! All you do is treat women like WHORES!"

Sadako: "So...that's why you've been throwing yourself at him for the last ten minutes."

Sarah: "I can't believe Chris is really dead. And that no one in costume could get me a better wig."

Nancy: "You're thinking of leaving the group."

Sarah: "How did you--

Bonnie: "We can read minds. And now you're thinking, I hope that's strawberry flavored lipgloss in my cotton jockeys."

Sarah: "I don't know what else to do!"

New Agey Woman: "Let's stand on the healing circle and do trust falls and chant."

Sarah: "I'm sorry, no one in the audience wants to see this. Time to go find the characters with tight clothes and oversized ankhs."

New Agey Woman: "Wait! We can do menstrual blood paintings!"

Nancy: "If I were as pathetic as you, I'd have killed myself long ago! Look at me, I'm Sarah B., lousy with integrity..."

Sarah: "Stop it!"

Bonnie: "Let's go find her."

Sarah: "OK, Mom, let's do this."

Rochelle: "Oh crap, we're hideous!"

Bonnie: "Let's go find a Twilight Zone universe where we fit in."

Nancy: "Ah! Bugs!"

Daryl Van Horne: "Snakes? Ugliness? It's been done."

Sarah: "Well, looks like I won."

Nancy: "I can fly! I CAN FLY! HE GAVE ME THE POWER!"

Sadako: "Manon, not to be confused with Red Bull."