Friday, May 14, 2010

Movies in a Minute: The Nanny Diaries

Annie Braddock: "Because I'm so delightfully quirky, I'm going to pretend that my year as a nanny was my version of being Margaret Mead. It's my field work for my grad school applications, since I didn't have the drive to enter the Peace Corp."

Sadako: "Are you going to lecture us on the ins and outs of the Nacriema tribe, too?"

Annie: "Let's get on with the subject of this field diary--me! It started when I graduated college and my mom wanted me to go into finance."

Goldman Sachs: "So, Annie Braddock. Who are you?"

Annie: " the answer plastics?"

Mrs. X: "Excuse me...would you like to be my nanny? This is my cute son, Grayer."

Annie: "Mmm. Okay. I need to find myself, so okay. This is Mrs. ___. We're calling her Mrs. X because it's fieldwork."

Mrs. X: "Welcome to my life. You can tell I represent pure unadulterated class conflict because of my Hispanic maid, my high ceilinged apartment, and my designer wardrobe. Also I keep tofu cutlets in the fridge instead of Lunchables."

Grayer: "I want my old nanny!"

Annie: "Grayer--please unlock the apartment door now please."

Grayer: "No!"

Generic Cute Guy: "Heh. I can see your underwear."

Sadako: "Ah, the requisite cute boy sees me in embarrassing underwear situation. See also, Bridget Jones."

Annie: "In a tip of the hat to Sex and the City's Mr. Big, I'll call him Harvard Hottie. Plus, this is a field diary--must protect anonymity."

Sadako: "I hear Jane Goodall did the same thing in her field diary by calling the lead chimp in her troop Simian Sexpot."

Other nannies: "So why are you here, college graduate?"

Annie: "I guess this job just chose know, I'm just finding myself, trying to decide which path to take, like am I thin enough to be the next Natalie Portman or am I more of a younger Christina Hendricks?"

Nanny: "Kid, I left my sick mother and son in a nondescript foreign country to come here and raise other people's children for minimum wage."

Annie: "That's so tough. My college did a seminar on that--Intersections of Exploitation: Women of Color Within the Dominant Paradigm. Do you mind if I quote you for my grad school admission essay?"

Mrs. X: (voiceover): "Please prepare Grayer French cuisine."

Annie: "Crap. Scratch that. We're having peanut butter out of the jar."

Grayer: "But Mommy says it has high fructose corn syrup."

Annie: "I grew up on it and I'm fine."

Sadako: "Yeah, look at those trotters--er, gams."

Grayer: "Daddy? Daddy?"

Mr. X: "Not now, sport. Daddy's got a big merger and/or acquisition."

Julie Andrews: "Dear, I think this is the part where you sing a song and the father consents to let the child accompany him to work."

Grayer: "Nanny, why do we have to dress up as Betsy Ross and George Washington for Daddy's company party?"

Annie: "So I can embarrass myself in front of my crush and so that the audience can see how evil your parents really are."

Harvard Hottie: "Heh. Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh--

Annie: "It's okay, glad I gave you a good laugh. No, I can push the elevator button myself. Didn't grow up with the staff doing everything for me."

Sadako: "Enter Betsy Ross, exit Becky Sharp."

Mrs. X: "Nanny, where have you been? You need to organize my shoe collection!"

Annie: "Mrs. X, er, I kind of had plans--

Mrs. X: "Well, cancel them. We're going to a Nanny conflict resolution seminar. But before we go, I need you to organize my stilettos and help me pick out a pair for tonight that makes me look both evil as well as elitist."

Annie: "Ugh, my job sucks."

Lynette: "Okay, can we not talk about that? You dragged me above 14th Street to hang with your pasty white ass in this tired old bar."

Annie: "It's not so bad."

Lynette: "Please, no piercings, no tats. Funky black girls from NYU are supposed to exist in a quirky but cute little two bedroom apartment downtown coming up with new ways to quietly differentiate ourselves from the mainstream whites. Like foshizz--that was my thing."

Annie: "Oh no."

Lynette: "Isn't that the guy you're into?"

HH: "Hey! Annie, come over here and meet my backwards-baseball-cap-wearing-future -investment-bankers-America-friends."

Friends: "You're a nanny? That's HOT. Are the moms hot? Are the dads hot for YOU?"

Annie: "You-know-who-the-dads-are-they're-you-in-five-years-so-enjoy-tonight-your-future-looks-fucking-bleak. There, guys, I emoted, now can I go back to my surly grunting already?"

Director Shari Springer Berman: "That'll do, pig."

Answering Machine: "You have two new messages."

HH: "Annie? I'm sorry my friends were assholes, so I want to take you out to apologize. I won't take no for an answer. I'll keep calling and I know where you live so I'll just camp outside your door till you agree, so you might as well get it over with."

Annie: "Stalking? And we haven't even been on our first date--I'm in love!"

Mrs. Braddock: "Annie? I'm coming to visit. I'm your mother and I don't care what excuse you have."

Annie: "Crap. My mom doesn't know I'm a live-in nanny. I know, I'll pretend that my apartment is Lynette's and that my roommate's out of town."

Sadako: "Worked for Eddie Murphy and Arsenio."

Mrs. X: "It's Grayer's birthday, so we've hired French mimes."

Sadako: "So this is who David Friedman got replaced with."

Mrs. X.: "And please work extra hard with Grayer. He didn't get into Collegiate so we're blaming you."

HH: "If you don't go out with me, I'll call in a bomb threat to the building. C'mon, it's just easier this way."

Annie: "Okay."

HH: "So if working for these people is so bad, why don't you quit. Just go find yourself backpacking in Europe or somewhere."

Annie: "That's easy for you to say--you've lived a charmed life. Upper East Side? Harvard?"

HH: "It wasn't all that nice. I was only given the half price Rolexes. Plus, my mom died and my dad didn't love me and I was mostly raised by nannies."

Oedipus Rex: "Anyone mind if I have a seat?"

HH: "Seriously, why don't you quit?"

Annie: "Well, I've gotten so attached to Grayer. And I feel sorry for her. Plus, I have to keep the plot from disintegrating, right?"

HH: "I think I'm going to deign to kiss you now."

Annie: "Even though I'm from Jersey? Okay."

Grayer: "Nanny, I'm sick!"

Annie: "Oh no."

Sadako: "Can we play a Triaminic ad?"

Mrs. Braddock: "His fever's come down. He'll be okay. I'm glad you called me. But Annie--you''re..."

Sadako: "Hey, it could be more degrading. She was this close to working at Goldman's."

Mrs. Braddock: "Why are you doing this? You're young, you're smart, you don't have a nails on the chalkboard Fran Drescher voice, you've got an incredibly bright future ahead of you--

Annie: "Mom, it was too bright, okay? I had to wear shades. I just needed to get away from it all!"

Mrs. X: "What's all this, what's all this?"

Annie: "Your son was really ill, we couldn't reach you at the spa, and my mother, the nurse, came to help. He's sleeping now."

Mrs. X: "Unless it'll hurt his chances of getting into the most exclusive kindergarten, I don't care."

HH: "Come on, quit. Let's take some time off, do some white kid soul searching at my house in the Hamptons. Drink wine, walks on the beach, grilling fresh fish, hitting up Whole Foods. Yuppie heaven."

Annie: "I can't. The X's are taking me and Grayer to Nantucket, and I can't deprive the audience of a climax now."*ZJv9fPUrPAErjToyPRowGjBGe6RO-MYS3i4zwS0gutStQJWf-8swU2LbPjnd2x9pjaSI2jOEt8uu4git0xrIjTfpL/ChrisEvansstripedpoloinTheNannyDiaries.jpg

HH: "Fine. Be committed to your work. See if I care. Nobody loves Harvard Hottie."

Sadako: "Sweet, Nantucket!"

Generic rich bitch: "How's your nanny?"

Mrs. X "I had to install a nannycam. Things have gotten so bad."

Annie: "Shit. I hope she didn't see the time I went all Risky Business in the apartment after everyone went to the Met Gala."

Mr. X: "Any OJ?"

Annie: "Only from concentrate."

Mr. X: "I can't afford fresh squeezed with what I make? Just tell me there's no Merlot. Well, why don't you and I go down to the market and get us some more juice? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

Sadako: "He's hitting on her. How perverse. Poor Paul Giametti, how the mighty have fallen."

Annie: "Um. I-have-to-go-over-there-now-bye."

Mrs. X: "Where have you been? I expect you were off talking to that boy who lives in our building. He's called several times."

Annie: "Why didn't you tell me?"

Mrs. X: "He's a little out of your league don't you think? Ah, Shari, can I also insult her weight, her taste in clothes, and maybe get in a little yo momma action going on? I'm not sure the audience hates me enough. Oh, in case you haven't noticed--you're fired."

Annie: "Okay."

Grayer: "NOOO! NANNY!"

Annie: "Grayer-I'll-miss-you-bye."

Mrs. X: "Please have all your things out of the apartment before we come home."

Annie: "Okay, nanny cam time. Mr. and Mrs. X, you suck as parents, bye. Ugh. My face hurts from changing expressions. Does anyone on set have a muscle relaxant?"

Mrs. Braddock: "You're not going into finance, are you?"

Annie: "I just don't think money's the answer, Mom. It doesn't make things any easier. Oh--crap, missed call from my trust-fund Upper East Side boyfriend."

Annie (voiceover): "So you see, I decided to go into anthropology. No, not at Columbia. I just thought I'd sit outside the fountain here because the sun hitting the water really highlights my cheekbones."

HH: "Here's a letter from Mrs. X."

Mrs. X: "Annie. You were right. I've left my husband and decided to go Stepford Mom with Grayer, and I'm loving it."

Annie: "So you see. I was right. And I have a boyfriend straight out of an Abercrombie ad. Isn't life great?"

HH: "My dad's got Yankees tickets. Later you want to come over? Wear the Mary Poppins hat I bought you."